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poison1916
New Member
Member # 42298
Concerned  Posted: 4:44 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

I am 25 (26 in a few months). She is 26 (just turned 26). OM is 28 and unhappily married with 2 children.

I officially realized on 1/25/14 that my girlfriend of 7 years was emotionally involved with another man. She's more than my girlfriend, shes the love of my life. I am/was committed to her and want her back. D-day was that Sunday when I got home.

Detail about our life;
We bought a house in March, we moved in in June. We have 2 cats that we love. We both have good jobs. I even just got a promotion on the 20th. I was happy. We have only ever broken up once in college and it was for 2 days.

Her: Kind to a fault. Wants everyone to like her. Goes out of her way for others.
She works full time. In a job that while she complains about she truly loves what she does (who doesn't complain about their job?). Her schedule is a rotating 2 days off. She's overweight, not fat but unhealthy. She's a slob (not being mean, she admits it. she doesn't think there's anything wrong with not seeing the bedroom floor). She hates chores (her mom yelled at her as a kid about chores often). She has anxiety issues but doesn't see a doctor about it. Her father passed away a few years ago, I was there 100% for her and her family.

Me: Know-it-all, tech savant.
I work full-time with a 140 mile commute each day, this is been going on since January. I don't mind the drive because I listen to books while in the car. I like the house to be clean. I like the laundry folded. I do not have the kindest vocabulary ever, I swear, a lot. I have a temper but have never hit her, never broken anything in anger, never mistreated her in anger. It's mainly because high blood pressure runs in my family so when I get angry I get really angry and it's very hard to calm down. 99% of the time I am the calmest person you have ever met. I used to work 4 days a week and was gone from 1030am to 12:45-1am most nights. The days I had off I would spend 1 cleaning the house, 1 playing video games, and 1 with her.


The detail of the A;
I have tried hard to communicate with her all week. We have talked successfully a few times but then the next morning comes around, and she has something else to bring up. So in the order of events in which I found things out.

She had been displaying some signs of cheating for several weeks. New hair products. Excessive time on the phone. Lots of text messages. Snapchat. Not taking lunch to work but somehow having food to eat each day. But the sex has been great, never been anything but.

Both our smartphones are integrated with Google Voice. Our lives are on google/facebook. We used a password program, each with our own login and password to keep stuff organized. We both left the logins open and let it auto-fill passwords to log into all the sites. There was no privacy if the other wanted to spy (this was something that apparently upset her, I say apparently because I am just now finding this out). GPS etc. Some nights when I would come home and she wasn't there. With no message about where she was. Those nights since before (according to her timeframe) I would gps her phone and check her text messages to see where she was.

She has a guy friend from work, turns out hes the OM. Not sexually, she's promised me that. But emotionally to the point where I was displaced as the person she could confide in. According to her they were friends, then best friends, then one day they were in love. I found the text message trial after being ignored completely several times and told to bud out when I asked who she was talking to and about what. Some nights when I would check the gps there would be strange places, now sometimes the phone would mess up so I would ask her about it and get my head bit off. one night (5 months ago) she was in the town over and the weather was bad, I was worried and the OM was driving her home, which I found out after she arrived. another night she said shes coming home and I watch the gps come to the house but then it stops at the off ramp by our house, for 20-30 minutes (2 months ago). each time I would ask I would get my head bit off.

Her birthday was 2 days before I found out. we had a party for her birthday, friends, beer, chips, dips. We just got a house so there isnt a ton of money to go spend gifts on and im not a gift kind of person. I didn't get her anything for her birthday, I told her this lovely house (its a REALLY nice house was her gift). Her best childhood friend came to visit the week of her birthday, she stayed till sunday (6am). Her friend hates me, she always has. She has never liked me because of our first interactions. I think its because the W and I were inseparable when we first started dating and I capitalized all her time and attention when the friend and I were first introduced. Anyways the W had been acting weird because of the OM for several days. I was reading her texts daily. She took her friend to lunch with the OM. The friend was colder than usual towards me after that. It turns out it was more of a meet my boyfriend. the friend of course offers the advice to the W that she needs to end it, she needs to be alone to figure out who she is. The W is skittish all week till her birthday party on the 25th. Several people back out early in the day of the party. Then the OM texts her and says hes not coming, her best friend here in town says shes not coming. (now important to note for later, the text messages from this day are WAY more inappropriate than usual, love is said many times, etc). The W is very upset and I try to comfort her but am rebuffed. So I let her friend comfort her and just let her know I am here, everything will be okay. We go shopping for the party buy drinks and food. As usual I try to keep her reasonable with her purchases. She ends up buying ingredients to make 3 dips anyways even though I say just 2. Her friend of course is just la la la oh well its just W, this is who she is. So I let it go. Party happens, I try to stand by the W. I try to be apart of her conversations and each time she walks away. I have to work the next morning so I sit in front of the TV while she stays up the the friend and OM. I fall asleep on the couch and at 2am decide to go to bed. OM stays till 3:30am. conversations from the other room (20 feet away) are hushed and quiet after everyone but the OM and the friend leave. She offers to walk the OM to his car, very odd for the W since its -15 out and she hates the cold. So I wake up and peek out the window to see if she's kissing him or something. I dont see anything the angle is weird. When she comes in I walk out and offer to drive her and the friend to the airport in the morning, which she says she is going to just stay up. She never comes to bed that night. I leave for work at 8am the next morning and she didn't make it home before hand. When I come home from work she's in bed, I get in, she falls asleep a bit and I check the text messages. I find out that the love messages from the other day are GONE. Deleted. Backups deleted. So I flip. I yell at her and fume and roll over and do my angry bit. Finally, after spelling it out to her 6 times, and then flat out asking if she's having an A she admits she's in love with him. Now me, my high blood pressure self really goes at her. But we talk it out. She agrees to stop inappropriate texts, not spend time alone with the OM, not call him on the phone. But the OM is her friend so I say, I don't want to deprive you of your friend I just want you back. We go to bed okay.

I wake up at 7am to her crying in bed. I ask her what's going on and she says its because of me. She's unhappy in our relationship and she has been for a year. WHAT IS GOING ON? Im not unhappy. Shes never said ANYTHING to me. She starts hyperventilating, I calm her down. Then I break down, I have a panic attack after her, and she starts crying worse. Finally she collects herself enough to calm me down. Then somehow we get the the point where I give her an ultimatum (8am). She says were done. I break down completely, roll into a ball and cry my eyes out. She does for the most part too but gets ready for work and leaves. I freak out more. Text the realtor who sold us the house and tell her I want to sell. She says she knows someone who is interested. I go on texting the W for an hour about what we are going to do. Sell the house, sell our stuff, pay off the credit cards, she can have the cats even though it will kill me to never see them. I feel hours pass by, I try and sleep, she tries to hold it together at work. I text her mom, and tell her that its over and im sorry I let her down. her mom doesn't think that there is any problem with what she did and offers to help her daughter by me out of the house. Finally I convince the W to come home. She does. More crying, we hug, we talk. We come to an agreement to try and work it out.

wed morning. Annnd 7am again. Not too bad this day, some crying, we talk and its okay again. I really have to go to work today, I just got a promotion. so I go back to sleep and She leaves for work. we text all day, its good, we have deep conversations. We talk while I drive home. I tell her im committed.

thurs morning. Annnd 7am again. More crying, more fighting, again decide its okay. I go to work, she goes to work. Again we text all day, tell each other what we are feeling. Seems good. I come home and things are NOT good. more panic attacks on each side. finally again we are okay. I tell her im committed. but she just wants me to hate her.

friday morning. And 7am again. She has to go to work at 10. I have the day off. Another fight, more crying, more panic attacks. worse than all the other days. We work it out again. She goes to work. I pick her up for lunch. We talk. the day is great. Today however we have another mutual friend coming to stay at our house that night, she has an event nearby. We go, we try and be good, were both sad and hurt. finally we get home after the event/dinner. a bit more apprehensive crying because were both scared but we go to bed again. This time I feel really good about us. I feel like we worked it to place where we will be okay to continue together. we know it will take time. I tell her im committed.

Sat morning. and 6:30am again. I wake up to her fidgeting. we talk. she says she ILYBINILWY. She doesn't think she loves me the way I need or deserve. She admits to trying to have another A before this OM. But that is our friend who is a gay man. So that didn't work obviously. She tells me she thinks its really over. We can't work it out. And I fall, completely to pieces. Im sobbing. Having panic attacks. I have to get up to go to work but I can barely move. And she gets up doesn't even try. She leaves me there barely able to move. Shes taking a shower so I walk into, and get in the shower with her, but as soon as I see her I fall into a ball on the shower floor. at this point she doesn't even seem to care anymore. she yells at me to get out, to go get ready. she turns the water off. yells more. I get out and go upstairs to our other shower and sob for over an hour. she checks on me once to yell at me, im not even sure what she was saying. I was having such a panic attack that I couldn't move off the floor of the shower. I laid there for another 30 minutes. finally I drag myself out of the shower and down into the bed. I see that she's packing her things, plastic bags for toiletry, clothes. and I break down again, get under the covers and just sob. 30 minutes later im freaking out really bad because the panic attack won't stop. now note that our friend stayed the night, so shes been outside feeling awkward and rightfully so (told her a few days before what was going on) the W been outside talking to her. then the friends calms down from my panic attack. she tells me shes taking the W away. I begged her not to. to let me say goodbye.

things i'm leaving out. she feels distanced from me. she hasn't confided in me for several months. she says she been unhappy for an entire year, when I have confirmed with our friends over the past year, no one noticed her being perpetually unhappy. we don't fight that much but have arguments often about doing chores and spending habits (shes a spender, im a budgeter). she blames me for not respecting her privacy. she blames me for not noticing she has been unhappy. she blames me for not holding it together. she blames me for wanting to lash out at the OM and get a restraining order.

several hours later im writing this. I spent a lot of time reading the forums. feeling empathy towards others in my position. I think shes gone. I've sent a few text messages to her. This is the only one I've gotten back. I'm alive but I can't talk to you right now. Please allow me the time I need. . Why does she need time? She cheated on me. I love her. I was willing to forgive her if she keep it professional at work with the OM, which she says she had, and I believed her. I feel lost. I really need her around even if were not together. I've spent so much time, and given up so much for her. The reason were not married is I am very religious and she was born a different religion. She has been well aware since week 1 of dating that I will not marry her till she converts. she accepts my faith and has embraced it since we started dating. I never pushed hard the whole getting married thing because we don't live in a convenient place to convert. she feels smothered from all angles and feels like she cannot be happy without separating herself from both me, the OM, and everyone.

so to sum it up. I love her. I was happy. she was unhappy (she says 100%, I say at times). our friend took her away and I don't know where she is.

sorry for the wall of text and bad grammar.


2/1/14 11pm.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: New York
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

Hey poison, first of all I want to say that I am sorry that you find yourself hearbroken like most of us who come to this SI website. :(

I am new to this whole thing, too, but the Healing Library in the left corner has a ton of good articles for you to read until some of the other more experienced people can advise you.

I just want to offer you my support and to let you know that you are not alone. From what it sounds like to me, your WW needs space and I would give her that and then some. She betrayed you. Try and stay strong.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

Sorry you are here and for this heartache. I know it feels absolutely unbearable and that you are desparate for relief.

Right now relief looks like the woman you lived to you. But, with where she is right now, let me tell you: she cannot help you with this pain. She can only cause more of it. And as long as you let her, she will.

I hope in the awful darkness you are feeling you can find a little light. It will have to come from inside yourself. You write that you need her. I promise, you don't. You only need to find your strength. What in your life do you value? Surely not just this woman. If you really think yes, only she matters...how did you get to that place? What else do you think should and could add value to your life? How can you start to get it?

Find a therapist if you can to start sorting out how you can detach from being so emotionally dependent and regain a sense of independent self. That will save you. You are your last best hope. Not her. Right now, she does not want to be in your relationship--she is showing you that clearly. So that leaves you to drag yourself forward into a different future than the one you have been invested in. That is hard and painful and a great loss--you will have to mourn it--but it is a great opportunity too, really. You are so young and you have a whole life ahead of you.

[This message edited by norabird at 10:51 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4017 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
poison1916
New Member
Member # 42298
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

i left this on the outside of the door with several of the healing library articles which really stroke home the best. Please someone tell me if I'm being unreasonable. (the money is the shared expenses, there is a table later on in the letter with the math)

"I will give you space.
I will not spy on you.
You will not lie to me, you will be honest.
I will not lie to you, I will be honest.
We will keep in contact with each other throughout the day.
You will sleep in the twin bed for now.
You will not have an emotional or sexual relationship with anyone else.
You will go see a therapist.
I will go see a therapist.
You will deposit $1000 each month into the joint checking account. Be aware there are many expenses which occur yearly, eg. car insurance and homeowners insurance, you will be notified of these in advance and expected to provide the funds in 30 days. We will each be responsible for the rest of our expenses, eg. gas, Rev, car.
A chore schedule will be drafted and split evenly.
It is each of our responsibilities to take care of our belongings and surroundings, eg. car, house, cats.
We will each complete chores on a weekly basis.

space for you to write:"


2/1/14 11pm.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: New York
Tren0R201
Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Dude, honestly she has basically told you she's not into you anymore, seeing another guy, she has detached. Let her go

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2013
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Poison,
I am sorry you need to be here, but there is great support and wisdom. I am glad you are reading the healing library. I have been 4 years into this journey and it is heart wrenching. Healing is possible regardless of your outcome (end the relationship or save the relationship), but it takes time and persistence.

First, she has given you some messages that are very loud and clear. I strongly recommend reading and implementing the 180. The 180 is for YOU, not a punishment to her. It is to help you clear your mind, to focus on you and your needs, and help you heal. Sometimes the 180 helps wake up the wayward spouse. First and foremost with the 180...go no contact with your wife. Stop sending her texts. Stop calling her, stop contacting her, stop engaging her. Go quite on her.

Second (but tied with first) take care of yourself. Eat when you are able...and eat healthy. Drink plenty of water and try to get some rest. Find an individual counselor to help you navigate through your emotions.

Third, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. While she blames you, and even in your list of what you will do, you are allowing her to blame you. This is NOT your fault. Having access to "spy" on your spouse is not inappropriate in a healthy relationship. We don't like to call it spying, but being transparent. There is nothing I do that I am afraid of my spouse knowing about. I do not care if my spouse knows where I am at a given moment. I have nothing to hide. The only time we have "hidden" info, is if we are planning for gifts, and we tell each other (very time limited) but if either of us were concerned, the surprise factor doesn't matter and full transparency comes first.

The next part....do not believe your wife has not been physically involved with the OM. I would bet she has. You need to be tested for STD's. It is not worth your health not to be. Her behavior does not indicate no physical contact despite her promising you she didn't. Cheaters lie. Period. She has lied to you and you can be she is still lying.

The final word of advice I will give you may seem counterproductive. To save your marriage you have to be willing to give it up. For months I struggle with my H and his OW. It wasn't until I was strong enough to start divorce process that he realized I was going to care for me and could paint him out of the picture. That is when he started to get it. I didn't find SI until a year after that date, but wished I had. I would have done so many things differently. Anyway, I recommend finding an attorney and determine what your rights are, especially with a new house. While she may be "nice" now, do not expect if you do go forward with a divorce.

Post here often. There is a lot of support. Your emotions will be all over the place. Expect that. Remind yourself frequently, this is not about YOU. This is about her brokenness. Many wayward spouses rewrite their marriage history to rationalize their behavior. However, there is no rationalization. It is WRONG.

Support is being sent your way.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1561 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
poison1916
New Member
Member # 42298
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

brkn_heartd, thank you. your words really strike a cord with me. i dont know if i have the guts to pull a 180. i read a bit about it in some topics but i havent found any specifics. where is a post?


2/1/14 11pm.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: New York
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Do you own this home with her jointly? Are both of your names on the Deed? Are both names on the Mortgage? If she signed the mortgage with you, than she needs to pay half of it every month until the house is sold. I know, you are still hoping for R. but please, please take that sign off the door!

The first line is, "I will give you space" but then you go on to a HUGE list of rules and regulations that she is supposed to follow. That is not giving her space. Just collect her half of the bills if she has a LEGAL obligation to pay them. Otherwise, you should do the 180. Read about that in the Healing Library.

I know you are hurting badly right now. We are here for you. Just remember that you cannot control anything that she does! Don't even try to do that. It will push her farther and farther away from you. Good luck.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
traicionada
Member
Member # 10310
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

(((poison)))
First, take care of yourself. The basics: hydrate, eat and get a bit of sleep. Then, you have experienced at least 2 panic attacks in less than 10 days so go see a doctor and get your high Bp and anxiety under control. Second, consider IC. Your note reminded me so much of mine so IMO you need someone to help you process the pain. You're trying to "fix it" because that's what you always do. You're trying to be logic because that's what comes natural. Deep inside, you don't want to give her space, you want to give her common sense back, appeal to her better self, give her 1,2,3 directions back to you


Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Dallas, Texas
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Hey p1916, Sorry to see you are going through this disaster. Gently, I strongly disagree with your list. Her A has nothing to do with you, the chores, the spending/budgeting, your temper, or anything else you are spending time worrying over. It is about HER and the fact that she is broken. She is selfish. She is a liar.

I hope you have not given her that list yet, but I would completely delete that, especially the one about you not "spying" on her. If you intend to stay with this woman, it is a fact that you WILL spy on her. You will NEED to spy on her. She will also need to stop working with OM.

One question: Is OM married? If so, his wife should be told ASAP. Do not tell your wife you are going to tell her, just do it. Very important and significant.

I would also read up on the 180 and put it into practice like yesterday. Focus on yourself and your own healing. She is off somewhere in fantasyland. Maybe she'll be back and maybe she won't. One thing is for sure, the person you need to be able to live with is yourself, so you must focus on your own healing right now.

Take care,

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 353 | Registered: Feb 2013
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Poison,
I bumped several threads for you to read, including the 180. tactical primer, before considering reconciliation and information for newbies. All great information.

Take care of yourself today. Do something that normally brings you pleasure. For me, it has been and continues to be a hot soak in a tub or long hot shower. I used to read, but not so much anymore. What ever it is, it does not have to cost $$ but something that even for a few minutes brings some normalcy back into your life and a small pleasure.

Concentrate on yourself and your needs. If you fee like you need to text, call or engage in her otherwise, call a family member, post here, do something to break that cycle. A phrase to remember....no contact = no new hurts. I can't claim it as mine but great advice!


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1561 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

(((poison1916))),

I am so sorry you find yourself here, but we have huge shoulders for leaning. Lots of experience in this forum.

I have to say that I have to agree that your list appears rather tough, and is in actuality an ultimatum. Ultimatums do not work, and if anything, they usually produce the result that you are not looking for. It is tough to decide what is a reasonable compromise for both sides, but honestly, it is sounding to me like she may have made her decision.

Do read and begin to follow the guidelines on living 180- this will give YOU the strength to move on, and you should be in NC mode now. WW needs her space, and you need yours. Certainly, you should be contacting an attorney to get information on your rights.

(((Hugs)))


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Between this...
She admits to trying to have another A before this OM.
...and the current A I have to agree with what Tren0R201 said.

You may not feel you can do the 180 but you need to do the 180.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3706 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
poison1916
New Member
Member # 42298
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

thank you all for the kind words.

the house is jointly owned along with her car. she had inheritance and terrible credit. i have amazing credit. despite having liquid funds the bank didnt want to give us the loan but i convinced them into doing it. if we end up completely separating i will sell the house, pay off all the debt and give her 100% of the money left. i am completely fair and unpassionate when it comes to money. i dont care about it. it's a tool to make sure you are comfy and thats why its important you budget.

we cannot afford to be seperated money wise. im going to 180. but i refuse to let the life i built fall apart while she takes her space. if it has to be over then it has to be over.

i have an appointment tomorrow to see someone.

i feel gutless. i cant throw her out on her ass for what she has done. the house is big enough that we dont have to see each other in it. i think we're going to try that for now.


2/1/14 11pm.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: New York
poison1916
New Member
Member # 42298
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

i just tried telling the only 'friend' who lives nearby. she is mainly my WWs friend, but we had a strained relationship at best. i told her that i have to tell her. its not fair to me that no one knows. after i told her she flipped out on me. shes defending my WW and the OM. saying its not against any policy.


2/1/14 11pm.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: New York
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

I know the feeling of wanting other people to know, but trying to enlist support in this way will only backfire. As you say if it has to be over then it's over. You should assume right now that it's over. Also do not go saying you will give x or y from the house sale if it is not what is actually equitable. I feel like (gently) maybe you have been trying to 'take care' of this woman in the relationship, and that approach needs to end now. Now you take care of you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4017 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

saying its not against any policy.
What does that even mean???


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3706 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Poison,
I hear what you are saying about selling and giving her 100%. Remember you do not have to make any decisions right now. Time will show you her character. She will become remorseful or not. Plan for her not to be. Then if she is you can be surprised. In the meantime, while you may not see money as a way to be more comfortable, it is jointly yours. Don't make any major decisions right now.

If you do not have anyone in real life (IRL) to discuss it with that are friends of the marriage or your friends/family, I would strongly advise you not to bring in her friends into this. They will bring more pain to you...especially if they side with her and not you as in this case.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1561 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
poison1916
New Member
Member # 42298
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Brandon808\\ She is their manager at work also.

brkn_heartd\\ I know. She's not being mean to me. She's mad at the situation. I can see that.


2/1/14 11pm.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: New York
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

She is their manager at work also.
Ok, that makes sense. It sounds like she assumed you expected her to take some sort of action, which she apparently cannot do. It was also her way of saying she isn''t going to take sides and certainly won''t be supportive of you.

Outing the A is one thing. For those situations I would stick only to the facts.

For your own support stick to those people who are primarily your friend first. Find an IC if you haven''t found one already.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3706 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
poison1916
New Member
Member # 42298
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

it turns out shes off gallivanting with her friends. i cant imagine what lies she is spreading. because they are all smiling and being so happy in the facebook pictures. no one them seem mad at her. i feel like the whole world is defending her.

---

I spoke with the OM's BS. We had didnt talk much just shared some details from our perspective. Turns out that he said he is leaving her the day after our d-day. The morning of the d-day they met up together in the parking lot (before she changed all her passwords, so i was able to see). I felt so betray she ran right into his arms. But I thought we had talked that out. Now i feel worse about it. Like confronting my WW pushed their relationship over the edge too. I know its not my fault but i feel bad.


2/1/14 11pm.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: New York
drainedandbroken
New Member
Member # 42311
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Being the OM's wife in the situations I obviously am having a hard time as well trying to understand what I should do. He says he wants to leave and has stopped the extra relationship. Yet he's been home more since he said he wants to end our relationship than he has in the past year. We had made the decision to seperate before I had my suspicions confirmed by poison. Now that its all out in the air he seems to want to make sure I don't hate him and is showing small interest in making things work. We have 2 young children and really this is the only thing we've ever argued about besides the typical marriage things (money etc..) He says he turned to her because I wasn't available to him emotionally and they could relate to each others grief. My problem is will I ever trust him again? Is it fair to me to try, I didn't force him to take this step?

sorry for the rant

Also I had done research when I first suspected this was happening back in June and I tried the 180. It obviously didn't work...

[This message edited by drainedandbroken at 5:04 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2014
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Neither of you caused this....calling it out into the light did not send them to each other. They were already there. They are both broken. Drained, the 180 is for you to heal....not to bring him back. I bumped it up on the threads earlier today.

To potentially save the marriage(s)you must be ready to end the marriage(s). However, they may be in such a fog that they continue the relationship. If they do...it shows their brokenness.

When real life starts to happen and break up their fantasy land, things may very well change. Read the 180...be familiar to help take care of yourselves.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1561 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
poison1916
New Member
Member # 42298
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

we just talked. it's over. i see that now. we are both okay. we didnt yell. we didnt lash out. we laughed a bit. we cried a bit. she says it's not because of the A, she was unhappy before that but didnt want to make it a deal. i think i believe her, i felt like i was talking to the old her that used to trust me and tell me the truth. i'm still mad about what she did. these feelings of betrayal will take a long time to heal but i feel like step one was saying goodbye. we didnt get to say goodbye the other day. i dont want to never talk to her again.

i am going to be okay. i dont feel nearly as sick or worried anymore. i'm going to go have some sprite and a good cry.


2/1/14 11pm.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: New York
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Yes, you will be okay glad that you feel there is some resolution now. However if you can get a therapy appointment to help sort through all of the aftermath it would probably be helpful. Healing is a process and if she comes back at all, you will want to know what reaction is best for you and stick to it. IC will help there. Good luck.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4017 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Drained...welcome to SI.

To both of you...sometimes you need to push the WS off the fence...drained, sounds like your husband may have left but is still keeping you in limbo...I'd give him a harsh dose of reality...

Both of you, I'd consult with an attorney asap. You don't have to make any drastic decisions, but even if you file, you can always change your mind. The WW and WH may never come out of the fog..but...the best way forward is to give them a hard dose of reality...meaning, get tough. Putting your bitch boots on tough.

No contact unless it concerns finances or the kids. No stopping at the house for chit-chat or coffee or breakfast...show him what life will REALLY be like should you divorce.

He says he turned to her because I wasn't available to him emotionally

^^I call BS on this. There were other options, communication, counseling, instead both of them decided to drop a nuclear bomb on your lives.

she says it's not because of the A, she was unhappy before

^^I call BS on this as well. All relationships have ups and downs. A third party entered into your relationship without your knowledge.

I'd 180 HARD. You can never "nice" a WS back into the relationship. They need a mega dose of reality.

Edited to add: Please seek counseling and meet with physician if necessary for temporary medications to help you cope.

Hugs to both of you. You WILL get through this.

[This message edited by annb at 10:45 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 7433 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
poison1916
New Member
Member # 42298
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

thank you all for your support with helping me get through the past few days. i am sorry to inform but my WW and I will be separating completely. i hope that we will be able to remain friends. she is my best friend in the whole world and i still love her to pieces.

as i said before we talked on the phone and i got to say goodbye. she came home for a bit (with a guy friend for "protection". as if i would fight with her anymore!) to get some fresh clothes and toiletries. we talked for a bit, she just got her 'silent angry' with everything i said. "i would tell her it's over, i understand and agree. i do still love you and want you to be safe and happy, but us is done." she would act like me expressing my feelings is wrong. well guess what b' it's not! i told her that i was deeply scared by her A. she did manage to say "I'm sorry". I'm not sure what she said she was sorry for because it was just "I'm sorry".

i dont think she thinks the A was wrong. it has officially sundered both my home and that of ((drainedandbroken)). i feel strongly that her WH is a [something not nice] for what he did to their home, regardless of what he did to mine. I asked herto read the healing library article titled "Details of An Affair - Start to End - KhristinaC & H". She said that is made her see a lot of similarities till she got to the end where it said "If you take the time, you may recall that before this affair started, you never had anyone telling you that you were unhappy with your current situation." She read it as "no one ever told you, that you were unhappy before" and because of that she doesnt think the article is about "her." The fact is people DID tell her before she seemed unhappy (none brought this up to me though, hence why i know i do not have friends here). she hasn't gone to counciling. she doesnt seem to be considering actually going. she is doing things friends every night. I feel like she is just rugsweeping. I know our partnership is over. I know that I will heal. I am afraid for her because I do love her. I am afraid of what will happen to this gentle person I once devoted myself to. i feel like we should be able to talk about it, to reconcile our feelings towards each other. i know we cannot reconcile our partnership.

we are sorting out the financials Friday. we already have a base agreement in place. it is only a slight alteration of the contingency plan we discussed before we bought the house.

old plan: sell everything. pay off all debts. left over money she gets (it was her money in the first place, but my credit).

new plan: i will leave. i do not work here. i do not have friends here (i have found this out the hard way over the past few days). in exchange for me leaving she will buy me out of all shared debts. she will pay me for all shared belongings i am leaving behind (since it would have otherwise been sold). she will keep the house. she will keep both cats for now, i will be taking my cat once i find somewhere i can have her. i will be getting this in writing.

i feel like this is a good plan. i really dont think i want to leave her, maybe it is just a way of coping with this trauma. she however wants to leave me.

i have gotten myself to a good place over the past few days. was a complete wreck. i finally told my family and close friends (none are in the area, like she has). I no longer feel alone.

she seems so mad. like this is all my fault. i like was the one who made her unhappy. i was the one who made her look elsewhere for the things i should have given her, to have an A. i feel like she resents me. i understand it is over. i am deeply saddened it is over. she still refuses to come home. i bought a bed for her upstairs, well away from where i would be in the house. there are two bathrooms. we would only see each other in the kitchen. i will fully admit i have some blame for her unhappiness. i have no blame for her A, and the way she ended our partnership.


2/1/14 11pm.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: New York
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I am genuinely sorry for what has happened to you. The affair was not your fault.

However...and please don't take the following too personal:

When the hell are you going to stand up for yourself?!?!

Finding out the woman you love has been cheating on you is tough - it sucks. But even now after her affair has come to light you are letting her walk all over you.

In the beginning, you failed and failed to stand up for yourself. With regards to her activities before breaking up - you should have put your foot down and imposed consequences. You confronted her but did nothing to actually change her behavior. You cannot control someone else, but you can make it crystal clear that you will not put up with any bullshit otherwise you will divorce. With no consequences, she felt safe and kept on going.

After finding out she essentially flaunted the affair in your face. What was your response? Essentially dropping down to your knees lowering your worth to her even more. At this time she was loving it. Here, she had two men fighting for her affections - a huge ego boost. She was laughing at you. Even now after breaking your heart you still cling onto her.

If this was me, there is no fucking way i agree to anything without seeing a lawyer. She wants to move on - fine. But since she cheated and wants to leave, then you get the best possible deal you can get. Why the hell should you leave the house? Why should you be the one move away? She cheated, she can move in with her lover in his house. Why should you run away after her actions? Stand your ground.

I would get a lawyer and file for divorce first. She does not care about you. Time to man up and start looking after yourself. Implement 180.




Posts: 166 | Registered: Oct 2013
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Hey Poison, just thinking about you and wanted to give my support after reading your last post. Keep doing the 180 and stay strong!


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
crisp
Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Poison - One very important part of this is your credit and the house you bought with her. So long as your name is on the mortgage, you will have trouble getting another home or any other large purchase. Make sure the house is either sold or she refinances.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 370 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
Topic Posts: 30