New Beginnings
User Topic: Did I do this wrong..
Member # 29728
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

I met up with a guy that I have been talking to from OLD on Friday night. We had dinner and he was nice but I just wasn't feeling it. I felt like there was too many red flags. He has only been divorced 2 months, too many phone calls and text messages for having just met. Wanting to make a date for Valentines Day! He mentioned that his xw already has a boyfriend. He is having a hard time financially, I have had that, maybe that is shallow of me but I want someone more stable.

I tried to tell him when we met that he hasn't gone thru all healing that he needed and he said yes he had!

Anyway I went on to the OLD site and messaged him about it was nice to meet him, but that I was worried about how recent his divorce was and wished him well on his search.
He messaged back that he thought I had more class than that to not call him! He also texted a couple of time. I told him I was sorry.

So my question should I have called and talked to him?

I will come out stronger!

Posts: 254 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: iowa
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

I don't think a phone call with the same message would have changed the insulted response. He would have used a different reason to tell you why you were wrong, but basically the result would have been the same.

Considering you are sure you do not want to move forward, you handled it fine. You had one dinner and a few conversations - a short and honest ending is appropriate. If you'd been dating for a period of time, I would have a different opinion - but you weren't.

Chalk it up to experience and move on.

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4620 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

No, you don't owe him anything. "Breaking up" via text is mean or tacky if there is an actual relationship. You went to dinner one time and even expressed concerns over his situation during that one date. Him getting insulted by your text is a clear sign that you are right and that he is in no way healed.

I have not started dating yet, but from what I've read about OLD, you have to have a thick skin and get used to saying no and enforcing your own boundaries. You did just that, so good for you.

Not to TJ, but I have a good friend who just started OLD. She went to coffee with a guy and found he's just not for her. But, she agreed to a lunch date. They went and he asked for another lunch. Even though her thoughts about him as a potential SO didn't change, she accepted another lunch date. When I gave her the WTF question, she said she has a hard time saying no because she "feels bad". Well, IMO, it's meaner to keep going on dates with this guy so he thinks you are interested and then poof it out only when you gather the nerve.

You were fine. He obviously has some issues.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2848 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, February 3rd (Monday)

Nope, you handled it better than most! You could have simply poofed on him, but one date doesn't a relationship make. You aren't interested, there is nothing else to talk about.

He was pushing you, and that is always a sign that they aren't healed enough to be in a normal, healthy relationship.

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 3rd (Monday)

Nope, you handled things just fine.

me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."

Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 3rd (Monday)

I think messaging at this stage was totally acceptable. I think a phone call would of just set him up to debate it with you. If you are not feeling it....then there is no debate to be had.

I tried to tell him when we met that he hasn't gone thru all healing that he needed and he said yes he had!

Sometimes I feel like a licensed SI'er. I told someone (OLD) this same thing and he said "but I don't feel broken....". He had been jumping from one relationship to another since his D.

Sometimes I just want to hand out cards for here.

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Member # 29728
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

Thanks every one. I usually don't post much, but read on here a lot!

I do feel like if I would have called him it would have been uglier. He would have tried to talk me into seeing him again and I wouldn't have. He is just not what I am looking for!

He has added me back to his favorites and texted a couple times last night. I just said I'm sorry and haven't responded since.

I will come out stronger!

Posts: 254 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: iowa
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

After you told him that you weren't interested, he added you to his favorites? Sounds like a stalker. Block his number and block him online.

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Member # 29728
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

I did block him on the OLD site. He hasn't texted me today, but if he does start I will block him on my phone.

I will come out stronger!

Posts: 254 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: iowa
Topic Posts: 9