Just Found Out
User Topic: Where do you sleep?
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 3rd (Monday)

Just curious. I have not been able to sleep in the bed that we called ours since D-day. Being in our bedroom at all is limited to getting dressed basically. That said, sleeping in my chair or couch in the living room isn't exactly working for many reasons. I also can't exactly afford to upkeep this house and live somewhere else at the same time.

So, who among you are able to sleep in the same bed as before you got the news? Are there any suggestions for getting past this kind of thing just so I can actually sleep comfortably, physically speaking at least?

BTW, looks like I'll be stuck in this house for some time still. Long list of reasons, but just trust me. If I had my way, i'd sell and move out tomorrow.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 3rd (Monday)

She started sleeping in a spare bedroom three months before she moved out, so I guess I was used to it. I do keep clean laundry folded on "her side" so that it feels like someone is there.

Just do it man. It's just a bed.

Hang in there.

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 3rd (Monday)

If my fWH had been anywhere near our bed with OW it would have been on the bonfire immediately, couldn't have kept it in the house. Luckily for me it didn't happen. They had 2 get-togethers in the house using his study and office chair. He threw that chair out long ago, office is no longer there - the wall came down to make an open-plan landing. At H's instigation as he knew I hated that room.

Get rid of that bed! It'll be worth every penny. Some things in life you just have to spend out on, and this is one of them.

Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, February 3rd (Monday)

And slap some paint on the walls while you're at it. Make the bedroom as unrecognisable as you can.

Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Member # 39334
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 3rd (Monday)

My wife left to stay with her parents the day before dday. Prior to that, she had been mostly sleeping in our guest room.

Being home alone after dday was terrible for me, so I ended up staying with my parents for a couple months. After we both moved back in, we repainted our bedroom and rearranged all the furniture. If you can't go somewhere else, maybe you could change something like the sheets or the location of the bed so it seems different enough.

DDays - 1/26/2013 | 3/23/14
Divorced 7/10/2014

Posts: 84 | Registered: May 2013 | From: TX
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, February 3rd (Monday)

Lucky enough to have hardcore HB ( hysterical bonding - ), so, in the same bed.

Consider faking it until you make it, presuming R is on the table? And if it is, having the WS do whatever it takes to help. There were a *lot* of restless nights for me, and thus us, in the first couple of weeks. I mean like 3 hours of sleep per night on average. Looking back, I don't know how I managed to stay upright. Typical pattern: talk late before bed, sleep for a few hours, wake up restless, start talking again. Repeat. It's much better now.

ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, February 3rd (Monday)

I sleep on the edge of the bed, literally the edge and part on my night stand. I refuse to leave my room and I don't want to sleep close to him, so that's my spot.

Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

I sleep in the master bedroom and have the master bathroom to myself..

There are a couple of things that have to happen that make it possible for us to live in the same house until my ducks are in a row for D..

The first is the bedroom arrangement as mentioned..

The second thing is that WH is not allowed to watch TV in the same room with me unless he has the wireless headphones in his ears..

He loves to watch the TV cranked high and watches it all of his waking hours when at home..I wouldn't be able to live with this habit of his if it weren't for the head/earphones..

Had WH been at all stubborn about moving to another room of the house to sleep I would have been out of the house ducks in a row or not..Same with the TV issue..

WH knows that me being out of the house would have meant an official D happening at the point of my leaving, with him having the loss of health insurance and a way to pay some of the bills...

WH knows that he cannot walk all over me in regards to my boundaries regarding living habits in the house..

Simply devastated, it sounds like you need to develop a loud and nasty snoring and drooling problem or start peeing in the bed, lol.. This may get your WH the heck out of the bedroom fast

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:23 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

Once solidly in R we did get new furniture, and bed for our room. It was fabulous. We were overdue, and finally got our King Sized Mattress. He painted during his time out of work as well. It was nice to redo it.

He NEVER brought woman to our home, since I don't travel, and she lived 4 hours away. Otherwise I am not sure I would have been able to stay, I certainly would have burned the bed, and redone the room.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8714 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

I'm in the guest room. Not welcome in our bed.

Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

Yeah, guess I should have said we shared this bed up until D-day, and I have no reason to believe the A ever happened in that bed. I haven't left town for work or anything in quite some time, and I'm almost always home before her (just how our schedules worked out) so I just don't know when it could've happened in our home. Nonetheless, we just bought that damn bed, and all it is is a reminder now.

I have a hole to finish patching in the bedroom wall anyway, so I may take that opportunity to just repaint. Maybe that'll help some.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
New Member
Member # 42250
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

I've tried sleeping on the couch, but it's cold and it's really not fair to have to sleep somewhere when HE is the one that is doing this to ME. I sleep in the bed but far away from him as possible. I've asked him to sleep on the couch, but he always ends up back in bed once I'm asleep.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

I'm in the guest room. Not welcome in our bed.

I'm sorry, but how are you not welcome in your bed? You're the BS. I could understand a BS saying that to a WS, especially if they're not showing remorse.

I'm sorry it's like that for you.

Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

After D-Day#2 I asked her to move out of the bedroom, and when she finally moved out, she took the bedroom set with her.

I bought some yardsale stuff (bed, dresser, chest) and moved it into a spare room, with the intent of redecorating the empty master bedroom.

Never did it, and I'm fairly comfortable where I am.

I'll probably slap some paint and new flooring down there just to make the room more useful.

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5181 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

What's sleep?

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

LOL! You got that right Merlin!

MOW was never at our house (dear God I hope that's the truth). So we are in our bed - together - crying - talking - and yea some HB.

BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; MOW, PA 2009-?. Broke it off about a week before I found out. Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me. STATUS UPDATE - SEPARATED :-(

Posts: 167 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

I saw the thread title and immediately my response was "Anywhere I damn well want to." And that is the truth.

It took awhile, but I claimed both sides of the bed. I use as many or as few pillows as I want.

I fall asleep on the couch if I want. No one nags me about sleeping in the living room, or interrupts my sleep with snoring or tossing or turning.

I don't lie in bed awake raging because the guilty seem to have no trouble sleeping.

Four years out? The answer is "I sleep just fine, when and where (and with?) as I please."

It gets better. I promise. Whether your future is R or D, time is a great healer.

Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

I could no longer be in our bed. Although our master bedroom is nice and large with three big windows, I just could not be in their. Eventually the whole house became a stressor.

I now sleep on a tiny crappy futon at my moms in a tiny room. Me, a professional with a nice house and a career living with mom because of that whore.

I lost everything i built over 14 years, bed included.


I now sleep like a baby.

BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

Can you sell the bed? My 29 year old sleeps on an air bed from Target.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Feb 2009
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

The marital bed was never used by OW that I'm confidant about...

So I sleep I. It still.

I am however going to buy new bedding/linen and repainted the room. Just to make it "mine"

Oh, and I took the ugly print off he wall that he loved :) it's in a box with some of his other things in the garage,

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

These WS's have to listen to us and follow our boundaries if there is any hope of getting along with us , R or no R....

If my WH did anything to mess with my sleep or comfort while sleeping, I would do what it took to get a restraining order keeping him away from the house, most especially during the hours I must sleep..

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Nov 2011
New Member
Member # 42240
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I sleep in the master. He has been sleeping on the basement couch. I know the A didn't happen at our house but I'm not ready to share the bed again yet. We are 3 weeks out and I'm still only able to hug him sometimes. Sometimes I miss the touching but then my brain starts the movie again :(. We are going for R so hopefully time will fade the movies and memories.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 22