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User Topic: help with 180
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

At work, my wife just texted me "Having a good day?", I want to answer, because communication is important, but she isn't clear from the fog and hasn't stopped communications with OM yet. 2x4s welcome.


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014
D 4/2014
R 8/2014


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

Just don't answer it. She's trying to engage you.

(I know it's so hard not to answer. Post here instead!)


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

Good for you for coming here instead of writing back right away!

I am sending you super cricket powers. The only answer she should get will come from them.

No contact = no new hurts. If you write back, your hopes get up, you are pulled back in...and then she disappoints you and your pain is worse.

crickets!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

So when do I stop the 180? If she stops communicating with the OM, or wait until she commits to reconciliation? In a healthly relationship I would have answered as soon as I noticed the message.

[This message edited by Midas at 3:49 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014
D 4/2014
R 8/2014


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

Unless she is contacting you to say that she has gone NC with her affair partner, and wants to work on the marriage, then you have nothing to say to her.

Listen to the others here.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

I know intimacy (sex and it's derivatives) are off the table during the 180, what about affection?


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014
D 4/2014
R 8/2014


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

Home now, more stressed than at work. Set down with the ipad, saw luxury apartment rentals. She can't afford a luxury apartment on her pay alone. I didn't say anything, showed no reaction, she might not even have remembered that page was open.

It hurt.


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014
D 4/2014
R 8/2014


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
Tickingtock
Member
Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

Good job Midas. Why don't you tell us about your day.

ETA:

I know intimacy (sex and it's derivatives) are off the table during the 180, what about affection?

I think you know the answer to that.

[This message edited by Tickingtock at 6:22 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]


Me: 31, exBGF, now married

Posts: 186 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
million tears
Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

You are doing well by showing no reaction. Maybe she did it on purpose so you would see. Detaching yourself from her is the best thing to do.

I did the 180 on my WH and although I wasn't an expert, it did help me work on myself and it also brought him out of the fog.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

You know she's double-dipping, so have affection for yourself.
Do you not deserve true affection?
It begins with you.

Turn all that energy on what she's doing/not doing into what you are doing - moving on/getting healthy,
and what you're not doing,
allowing cake-eaters into your boundaries, or otherwise engaging her on any level.
Super cricket powers indeed!

Make your 180 entirely about you. The 180 is a "turn".
Sending strength Merlin)))


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, February 3rd (Monday)

^^^ This! There must be some hobby you miss or something you've always wanted to do/learn. Right now you probably just want to wallow but if you can force yourself to do something you've always wanted to do or have missed doing, you can start to see this in a whole new light. It is time to focus on you. And that is honestly a great thing. You deserve a full rewarding life and guess what--you can have it on your own. No one else can give it to you (certainly not her right now!) but you can take it. And maybe explore a little about codependency...it seems to be part of your thought pattern.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I did start a shooting sport hobby this past year, but never really made time for it. Maybe it's time to hit the range. The rifle being missing would be quite obvious and alarming to her, or should I tell her so she isn't sick with worry about why the gun isn't where its suppose to be?


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014
D 4/2014
R 8/2014


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Midas - Stay strong friend.

180 is for you. Remember that.
If she is still in contact with the OM, then NO you cannot be intimate or even share affection.
When you implemented 180 did you explain that you were doing it?

I think some folks choose not to explain that, or don't. That can be very problematic, as the WS doesn't know what they should be working toward. So my point being is if she doesn't know that you are not communicating with her because she is still engaging in communicating with the OM, you need to outline it.

"I am not going to engage you, speak with you, or hang out with you, be intimate, or share my life with you until you end this, and show me that you choose me and our relationship. I am doing that because you have hurt me beyond measure, and I can't take being hurt any more. I am protecting myself from new pain and hurt by focusing on myself, and getting strong again. "

Then when she tries to talk ignore her.
If she wants a "Luxury apartment", make sure she does not have access to your funds. Let OM pay for that.

Again 180 is for you, but if you want to wake her up, cutting her off in all aspects is a good way to do it.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8709 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

"When you implemented 180 did you explain that you were doing it?"

Yes, she is aware of this.


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014
D 4/2014
R 8/2014


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

should I tell her so she isn't sick with worry

Again, focus on you.
Remove your thoughts about her state of being/feelings.
They are not your concern.
It's all about you, not her.


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

@Midas,
Telling her you''re doing the 180 was likely interpreted by her to mean you hoped to change her mind, because by informing her you made it about her and how she would react.

You have to let go of expectations here, which I know is really hard. The stress of wondering what is going to happen is going to make life impossible and you need to focus on yourself.

My apologies for being harsh but you need to let her go. She had an A years ago. She saw what it did to you, to the M. Now all this time later and after having a child together she does it again. Not only that but she''s not remorseful or going NC. For your own sake both mentally and legally you need to proceed under the assumption the M is done.

You gave her the gift of R once before. This is how she treated it. I know you want to preserve the family for your daughter but it is also important to set an example of what should and should not be tolerated in an M. I grew up with parents who simply stayed together. It affects you even if you don''t know the details because it seeps into every interaction, everything about the family.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I had a dream that my wife was a whore, literally a whore for money, woke at 2am and didn't get back to sleep until 4am (and even then only with 25mg of Benadryl (diphenhydramine) onboard)

Last night my wife was talking about how she just can't "remove the OM from my life just yet, how do you remove someone from your life?"


I wanted to say "Here, let me show you!" instead i went and watched some Being Human. (lots of triggers in last nights episode)


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014
D 4/2014
R 8/2014


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

"Good job Midas. Why don't you tell us about your day."

I ate no breakfast, got up, got dressed, went to work. Logged onto this website. Talked with my lead discussing what my current task is. I had coffee for lunch. After "lunch" I went and picked my daughter up from school. She drew pictures, on paper and on my whiteboards, and she read her comic book and ate a snack. When the day was done we went home and made myself some leftover for dinner, which I didn't eat, got heartburn anyway. Watched some TV, got onto this site, read my daughter a book goodnight and then went to bed.


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014
D 4/2014
R 8/2014


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Please try to eat something. It's hard, I know. Maybe smoothies or soup. The appetite does disappear but you still need food. Just take it one day at a time. Maybe see a doctor if you haven't yet to get some sleep aids for now.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I had lunch today with a good friend of mine. He brought me soup and for the first time in days I had an appetite. He tells me that his wife is pregnant and they bought a house. Am I not allowed to share this information with my wife since I'm attempting a 180? I desperately want to share that news with her. :(

[This message edited by Midas at 3:12 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014
D 4/2014
R 8/2014


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Nope, don't tell her. Go out and shop for a baby shower gift if you must. Do anything but tell her. Tell your mom, or another friend, or a dog you meet on the street. But crickets to her.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Last night my wife was talking about how she just can''t "remove the OM from my life just yet, how do you remove someone from your life?"
She was never supposed to add him to her life to begin with. That would be my answer.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Telling her you're doing the 180 was likely interpreted by her to mean you hoped to change her mind, because by informing her you made it about her and how she would react.

When I informed her I said "You have hurt me, and your continued contact with the OM continues to hurt me. Until you have no contact with the other man I can not allow myself to become close to you because it hurts too much."

I repeat a simpler version of this when she reaches out to me, "Until there is no contact with the OM I don't feel comfortable with that/"talking about this".

[This message edited by Midas at 6:22 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014
D 4/2014
R 8/2014


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Nope, don't tell her. Go out and shop for a baby shower gift if you must.

I was thinking about this on the drive home, I think that is what I will be doing.


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014
D 4/2014
R 8/2014


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
Commanche1
Member
Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Midas, you do not have to stay in limbo, kick your wife off the fence, she is still in her affair, Tell her she needs to move out, that since she can't remove him from her life you will have to remove her from yours. In not choosing you she is choosing him, Tell her that's not what you want but you're not going to share your wife.

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Don't kick your wife, though.
Kick the damn fence.

Am I not allowed to share this information with my wife since I'm attempting a 180? I desperately want to share that news with her. :(

I believe you need to plumb your feelings here. Go deep. I am an internet stranger. Why do you use such words as "allow"? Like permission?

The real question is - what do you "allow" yourself?
How much abuse and toxic entanglement do you "allow" - before you are allowed to be true to yourself?
Set boundaries.
Expect respect.
Stuff like that.

You're asking technical, day-to-day questions.
The next one I suspect is; "Should I fold laundry?"
You can't go on like this.
Stop and grasp the obvious principle.

I believe your desperation is founded in your fear.
Your fear of facing yourself. Alone.

I believe also, that facing that fear straight on will lead you to heights and joys you never imagined.
Bottom line, STOP. Stop making this about someone else and their reactions.
Grab your balls and make it about you.


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Sat down with her last night and hashed out finances, child support and custody. Will be heading to mediation soon.

[This message edited by Midas at 12:20 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014
D 4/2014
R 8/2014


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I believe your desperation is founded in your fear.
Your fear of facing yourself. Alone.

Some of it is that, certainly. And I think some is that I don't trust myself at this point to not do what feels good in the moment regardless of the outcome.

We discussed NC (except for about our daughter) this morning, after several bouts of inappropriate affection and intimacy between us. WTF is wrong with me? I know it will hurt, but I poke the hive anyway.

[This message edited by Midas at 8:28 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014
D 4/2014
R 8/2014


Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
ConfusednAfraid
New Member
Member # 41940
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

You need to leave a note saying that you are going to the range. Otherwise she might get it into her head that you might do something stupid like shooting yourself or going after the OM and call the cops on you.

I did start a shooting sport hobby this past year, but never really made time for it. Maybe it's time to hit the range. The rifle being missing would be quite obvious and alarming to her, or should I tell her so she isn't sick with worry about why the gun isn't where its suppose to be?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 29