SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: My husband and our babysitter
kellys2014
New Member
Member # 42306
Frustrated  Posted: 1:01 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Sorry this is so long. I'm just trying to process.

I found out on Saturday. Two days later, I think I am over the shock. Maybe. Now deciding what to do.

I am a walking cliche. Or rather, he is. My husband of 11 years (together for 15), the last man on this planet that I would have ever expected to have an affair, had a sexual and emotional affair with our then-22 year old babysitter (he was 42, now 44) and they are still in communication. Two years. This has been going on for two years. I don't know if I am more shocked by the fact that he did this, or with whom. I honestly can't believe she would want him. She is is very pretty, petite, and big-boobed. He is a pudgy, average-looking, working stiff who is constantly grumpy.

I discovered their graphic texts (with pictures, yay!) Saturday morning by accident. They popped up on my new laptop because it is registered with the same e-mail address as his iPhone. Isn't technology the greatest? BARF. I considered this girl to be a close family friend, someone who adores my children, brings them gifts, calls them on the phone, etc. She is my five year old daughter's favorite person in the world. She talks about her often, even though she moved cross country last year. We call her "Cousin Sarah."

As soon as I found the texts I called my husband and told him. He rushed home from work, apologizing, trying to "explain." "It ended in 2012." "You texted her this morning!!" "It's just a fantasy now, an escape. We are just playing around." I told him he was a hypocrite and a joke. That he'd taken advantage of a young messed up girl. That she had to be messed up to sleep with him. Look at her, then look at him. At first, I thought of her as a victim, although after re-reading the texts I don't. At that point, I had just read a few.

The affair started during a point in our marriage when we were on the verge of divorce and it has taken us a couple of years to get to a good - not great - place. The one area that is not firing on all cylinders is our sex life. Well go figure. A hot young woman sending raunchy, close-up pictures (and video!) of her anatomy can do that.

After reading two week of texts I learned the following: They "face timed" once a week. He sent her money. He sent her "care packages" which included prescription drugs she requested. "Pwetty pweeeze?" Most of the mushy stuff was very one-sided. He professed his love, tons of compliments, pet names, etc. Her comments were more like, "I never get tired of hearing it." "Thanks!" It was weird. She did say that she wanted to rob a bank so they could be together. It was like two fifteen year olds. Lots of discussion about her waxing habits. Is this too graphic? If so, sorry. I am leaving most of the really graphic stuff out, as I wouldn't even feel comfortable typing it, much less forcing anyone who happens to be reading this to see it. It seemed like she was just sort of humoring him and sending the graphic pictures for the attention, drugs, cash, and prizes, but who knows. It sounded like she was into some things that I would consider...I'm looking for the right word. Porn-movie-ish. Maybe this is what kids these days are into. My tastes are admittedly vanilla.

So now he is totally remorseful. Told me he called her to tell her what went down and not to text him, and has cut off all communication with her. So he says. He'll do whatever it takes, if I just give him a second chance. Says he won't have a phone anymore. He has a dark side he put behind him when he met me and it popped back up in his life two years ago when he lost his job, was depressed, and our marriage was on the rocks. He lost his mind and would never do anything like this ever again.

I don't believe that he could just cut off communication with her. A week ago he was professing his love, now she's dead to him? Is that how it works? I doubt it. I really get why he is attracted to her, had the affair, etc. I get why he would be sexually infatuated with her and think he was in love with her. I get it, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with it, obviously.

I could get over an affair from two years ago, if it had ended. But it hasn't. I don't know if I can ever get over who the other woman is. if you had told me that my husband was sleeping with this girl I would have thought you were ridiculous. Actually, my stepdad told my mother that he thought it was a bad idea for her to live with us, given that our marriage was rocky. That he might be tempted. I thought it was so funny, because she would never go for some middle-aged Dad.

I don't actually care why she did this, but it does still seem really, really weird. I remember a couple of years ago I was holding his phone and a text came through from her that said, "F$%&, now I'm horny." I was SO embarrassed for her, because I thought she had meant to send it to someone else. I deleted it and didn't even tell him because I thought she would be so embarrassed. A month later, similar scenario (you think he would have kept his phone away from me, duh!) a picture of her in the bathtub popped up. Nothing graphic, lots of bubbles. I said, "Why is Sarah sending you a picture of her in the bathtub?" He looked so genuinely shocked and lied so casually. I texted her, "Did you mean to send this to husband's-first-name's phone?" She called, all freaked out about how her ex-boyfriend had hacked into her phone and sent that embarrassing photo to a bunch of people on her contact list, including her parents and boss. I was so upset for her... I am really the most gullible, stupid, unsuspecting person who has ever lived, aren't I? It's almost laughable. It makes me want to slap someone. It just never occurred to me that two people who I thought were kind people would do something like this.

The content of the recent texts keeps flashing in my mind. The worst parts are the little things like references to a mixed CD she made him. The pet names. The compliments. The bonding.

Upon discovery, I e-mailed her right away to tell her that I'd read and seen every disgusting and horrible thing and that she was dead to me, and to have a nice life. She e-mailed back apologizing, she never meant to hurt anyone, she wishes she could explain but knows there is no point. Ya think?

So anyway. Husband wants to stay and says he's willing to do whatever it takes. I just really don't want him. I can't imagine ever letting him touch me again. I would just always know he is comparing my 37 year old post-breast-feeding-child-birthing-overweight body to hers.

When I think about just breaking up, I feel strong and confident and know I can still provide a great home life and childhood for my kids. I know their world would be turned upside down, but maybe if the transition was gradual... ? Thinking about breaking up, I feel reasonable and calm and unemotional. I can just let this fool go and focus on a new future. I can let go of the gory details of the affair. Horrible, but over. I don't have to care. It isn't my problem.

It's when I think of trying to reconcile that I start getting emotional and angry over what he has done, said, etc. Then I have to deal with all of these horrible details that I would rather put behind me. Then they are my business. Then I want to know things. When did it start exactly. How did it go down. Etc.

All I know right now is that I need to put my children first. I know what is better for me, but what is better for them? Probably giving their Dad a chance to earn his spot back in our family. But I don't think he can do it. He isn't proactive enough to figure it out. I would have to tell him, here are the exact things you have to do to prove the affair is over, that you want to be here, that I can trust you, etc. And I don't think I am willing to do that.

I have told him I want a separation and that he needs to find a new place to live immediately. That until the school year ends he can spend the weekends here and we'll still do our usual weekends-as-a-family thing. For the kids.

I guess this gives him a window. If he can figure out what to do I might possibly be able to forgive him. I don't know. I feel like I should be more angry. Or even more hurt. I am mostly just surprised and grossed out and dismayed by the lying and emotional bonding with this girl that I know so well.

I guess we just never know what is going on in other people's heads. I don't think I will ever trust anyone, ever again.


Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
Lola88
Member
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

(((Kells2014)))

So sorry you find yourself in this situation and here at SI, but welcome to the club no one wanted to join.

I just want to tell you you have been heard, I'm very new to this too and find the help, support and care on here amazing.

You don't have to make any quick decisions, just concentrate on taking care of yourself and your kids for now. Sending you hugs and strength x


Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

(((kellys)))

I wanted to reach out and let you know that you have found a wonderful community of people who will help you walk this journey.

Take it one day at a time and be sure to take care of yourself physically. Eat well, stay hydrated and get rest.

Spend some time reading the healing library and other posts. Don't judge yourself. I think one of the biggest shocks we all experience is learning that we were betrayed by the person we trusted the most, but it's not your fault. This is a roller coaster, so keep that in mind.

Don't ever hesitate post as much as you need. This is a very supportive forum of people who will always encourage you to express yourself fully. I've found that sharing here has been very cathartic.

Sending you hugs and light.

[This message edited by Rainbows at 2:10 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 395 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
mesoSTUPID
Member
Member # 35679
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Hi Kells. I'm sorry you're here. This place is amazing for venting, for finding advice and for a little peace of mind to know at times that you're not alone and you are definitely not going crazy.

I too was hit by a double betrayal and it just sucks!

I am 2 years out.

The best advise I can give you right now is that you don't have to make any long term decisions at this moment...

(((Hugs)))


ME (BS): 41 and so stupid!
Him (WH): 43. He's my dragon slayer but my heart wasn't supposed to be slayed!

Posts: 193 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Miami
BeautifulEmpty
Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I'm a double betrayal victim? Idk I don't really like that word but you get the point.
I'm sorry you find yourself here but if you have to ride the infidelity train, this is the best place to be.
Definitely read the healing library with special attention given to the 180.
The one piece of advice I'd give you is understand that you do not need to make ANY decision right now. Give yourself 6 months. Give yourself a solid year. Detach and look closely at the new person in front of you wearing your husband's skin.
You sound like a strong woman but don't rush anything. You don't need to right now. I do think you requiring a separation is excellent because while I'm saying not to rush anything, I DO believe in seriously detaching. It clears your head and lets you focus on yourself and kids with less emotional blinding and influence from him. He may feel like he's been out of the adultery zone or whatever but he needs to feel what it's like to be without you.

I wish you peace and please, feel free to vent to us or ask questions. There are many wise folks here ready to help. I know they have helped me and held me up when things were just crashing down.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

((((kellys2014))))
Have to get to work soon, but just want to say how sorry I am for your situation.

I don't think I will ever trust anyone, ever again

I remember saying exactly this same thing so many times.All I can say is that I don't feel that way any more. A sense of perspective has come back into my life 21 months out, and I definitely trust some people,although will never be blindly trusting again of some others. It just takes time.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 220 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
BeautifulEmpty
Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

One more thing...


I was so upset for her... I am really the most gullible, stupid, unsuspecting person who has ever lived, aren't I?

No, you aren't.

First off, there are many people here who have fallen for this crap and while it might be tempting to stick us all in the same lot, the truth is, you were acting like any decent spouse who trusted and respected her husband would do.
You behaved normally and your behavior was reasonable, like a caring adult.

They screwed up. They behaved improperly.
They behaved like spoiled, entitled children.
Not you.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

((kellys))

You weren't gullible. You were blinded by the trust you gave to these people.
The stupidity was their belief that they could continue to pull the wool over your eyes and not get caught. The stupidity was their decision to betray your trust, for something so shamefully pathetic.

Your trust was a beautiful gift, and you are not responsible for the way it was abused. That is on them.

Double betrayal has difficult timeline for healing. It's the kind of betrayal you only expect to see on a TV screen or read about in a book, certainly not something that would happen in your real life.

I understand the degree to which your trust has been shattered. Feeling like we can't trust anyone, especially those closest to us, can leave feeling isolated, and wanting to stay that way.

Whether you stay with your WH or choose to move on, the trust issue will still need to be dealt with.

Take care of yourself. Get yourself a professional that can help you navigate through this. This is a long road. You will find support, care and useful advice from people have walked a mile in your shoes.

I'm sorry you are here.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Kelly, I am so sorry that you find yourself here. This is a great group of people if you need this support.

You don't need to do anything or make any decisions right now. He has to end the A and do NC(no contact) immediately. He needs to give you complete transparency- you need access to all of his devices, online networks, etc. you should also know his complete schedule and activities daily.

Before you make any big decision, give yourself some time to come out of shock; maybe you are right and you are there already. Also, start healing yourself. I suggest relying on some in real life friends and supports (choose carefully; you can't untell). And getting yourself in Individual counseling (IC).

You are fabulous. you are the mother of his children, and this isn't about you or what your body looks like after breastfeeding and giving birth. this is about how broken he is.

It sounds like he has some demons to deal with. He needs to get himself into IC to figure out how he allowed himself to betray YOU and HIS Children and HIMSELF.

What you owe your children- is to be the healthiest Mom and Kelly that you can be. You don't owe him another chance, but you may want to see if he can rise to the occasion. That is totally up to you. But you may not be in the best position to make that decision right now.

Also, eat, drink water, exercise and sleep. Get help from docs and friends/family as needed. You did nothing wrong here.

and one more thing: turn the volume down on what he is saying. Watch his actions. Do they show remorse? Are they consistent? Is a man you want to spend the rest of your years with? He has a lot to work, and unfairly so do you (to heal yourself from the devastation that his A has done to you and your marriage).

Be gentle with yourself.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Kelly, you will get loads of support here.

Your post conveys how you feel so well, and it sounds like you are numb from the revelations. You also sound very strong, so keep knowing that - you will get through this.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 422 | Registered: Nov 2013
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

(((Kelly)))

You are not foolish or stupid.... You are a kind hearted person who wouldn't do it to someone else, so wouldn't expect it to be done to you.

Putting some distance between you is a good idea (in my opinion). Work out what you want......


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I agree with the others that you need to take some time just for you. If your marriage was not great for you 2 years ago and the sex is just so-so (and for obvious reasons now that you know) I would say that its now up to you as to what you want. Do you want to be in a marriage with someone who lies and cheats and also you feel no attraction to? These are hard questions, not easy ones.

Thats why sometimes some time away from each other is a good thing. Lets you be in your own space and not have his drama swirling around you while you really try to figure out what you want.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Mapleleaf4ever
New Member
Member # 37090
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Good luck Kelly,
Maybe time does not heal all wounds but it certainly helps you figure out what you really want/need. Take care of yourself.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Oct 2012
kellys2014
New Member
Member # 42306
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Wow. I am overwhelmed by all of your kind and supportive responses. Thank you so, so much.

I realize I have been spending too much energy trying to figure this out and it's making me feel like I'm going crazy. It's not figure-out-able. And if it is, I don't have to do it right now. Reading your posts has reminded me to put the focus on myself and my kids - what I want and what I want for them. Not what he wants (to stay). As soon as I take the focus off him I instantly feel so relieved and positive and optimistic and strong.

I know that I want him to leave. Most likely permanently. I hadn't thought about the concept of detaching, but it makes such sense and I know it would be exhausting to have him here. It would keep this whole situation front and center when I need to focus on other things. My kids, myself, recovering, etc.

After some time, I think I may give him an opportunity to come back, but he will have to do everything you advised (NO, counseling, etc.) and advised on this website. Or maybe I won't. No need to decide right now. I'm hearing you all say not to make permanent decision, and its such a relief to just take this off the table for a while. Maybe he'll come back, maybe he won't. Not really critical to me.

I know that I can't take him at his word, or put too much stock in anything he says. I will need to judge him by his actions. I suspect he will not be able to "rise to the occasion" (I love that phrase), but I'm fine with that. If I give him a chance, I've done enough. If I don't give him a chance, I've done enough. I've been 1000x more civil, calm, and understanding than he deserves. I don't owe him anything anymore, do I... That realization is slowly hitting me. It's a weird, but freeing, realization that I can stop worrying about him, that he is his own problem now, that I don't have to figure out how to fix this for him.

I know that I will emerge from this happier, healthier, and stronger.

I still am deeply worried about my children, but trust myself to make the best decisions for them, always. They will be fine. Better than fine. But it's going to be tough for a while. If I am positive and strong I can help them get through this without ruining their lives. I hope.

Thank you again. It's amazing to have a place to share this information and to have people who have been with it give support and advice.

This is such new territory, I'm sure for everyone this happens to. I didn't know there were such thing as "triggers." But they are everywhere. References to adultery in movies and on TV. Girls on TV with tattoos. (She has tattoos, which he has always disliked. I don't have any tattoos.) SNL last weekend - a cast full of young women with dimples, like the OW. Songs on the radio. Superbowl commercials. I'm sure those fade with time, right?


Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
million tears
Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Yes, the triggers fade with time. Some things still trigger me a little and I'm 5 years out. Some holidays do but for the most part that part has gone away for me. I don't even remember on D-day anymore.

The shock might wear off and you may get angry. Very angry. I think that is normal. Your emotions will be up and down. That is normal too.

I also had a double betrayal. It's losing 2 people in your life. Somehow the closeness and "love" they supposedly shared was harder to take than the actual sex.

You are NOT stupid. I still kick myself for ignoring all of the signs and when I did catch him in something, I was like you. I believed the lame excuses. That makes us trusting, not stupid.

I agree with the others who said you don't need to make any big decisions right away. Just be strong and don't let him weasel himself back in right away. Make his prove himself. A big regret of mine is never kicking my WH out so I could make a rational decision.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1663 | Registered: Jun 2009
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. That said, your head is clearly straight on your shoulders! Keep listening to yourself. You want him out? he's gone. You want to focus on yourself and your kids? Perfect! The shock and numbness can often just be a temporary reaction, followed by more intense pain and anger, and definitely triggers, but stay firm with what you need, take care of yourself, and forgive yourself for missing the signs. You are not to be faulted for trusting. It is too bad you were taken advantage of but it does not mean you are stupid.

Sending you strength.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I think this is the nub of it: he is his own problem and he has to figure out how to fix it. You are very wise to come to that conclusion so early in the process. It can take some of us a very long time to come to terms with the fact that our WS did what they did because there is something wrong with THEM, not US.

Please do not feel stupid. You were trusting of your WH, that's all. Many of us have stories about things that happened that should have been red flags. In my case, I got an anonymous phone call saying that my FWH was having an A. Did I believe the caller or my FWH (who denied)? Of course I believed my FWH. I got copies of e-mails (nothing explicit though). Still believed my FWH. I trusted my FWH and you know what? I don't want to be M to someone I don't trust, so I am not sorry I trusted him. I am sorry he betrayed that trust, but that is on him. After much work on his part, I trust him again. Only you can decide if trust can be re-built and as you so accurately point out, you don't have to decide today or any time soon.

You at the beginning of a long haul, not matter what you decide about R or D. Pace yourself.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Aug 2010
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

You asked if it is possible for your WH to abruptly turn off his feelings for this person. Yes, they can.

First, statistically, I have read that the fog in an A relationship dies a natural death around year 2.

Second, the "real" DDay for some WS is a wake up call. All of a sudden the light of day shows them the hideous ugliness of the A and their AP.

My H falls into the 2nd category. The light of day caused him great shame and horror that he had been living such a life of lying and deceit. On PA DDay he called OW and ended it at 6:15 am. Her crying and emotional pleas finally fell on deaf ears.

It sounds as if your WH and his AP were using each other. There may have been an emotional connection, but it was born out of a selfish motivation that put them together. A good therapist for your H can help sort out the causes as well as the fallout. Right now you are plowing through your pain and chaos, and that is enough. Your H and your marriage can be salvaged later if you desire because right now you and your babies need each other. Your H is an adult who needs to move on his own to get this thing right for the first time in a while.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1455 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
kellys2014
New Member
Member # 42306
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Home from work with my daughter today (just a bad cold, I think).

Reading your responses again and again. They are so helpful. I have cut and pasted some of the things I most want to remember into a new document. I cannot thank you enough.

I have read the 180 (need to re-read a few more times), and am doing some of those things already, I think. But I wonder about how much information to give him. I think I've been too open and honest about my feelings, maybe. Via e-mail. I need to start locking that down and beginning to detach, as suggested, right? What goes on in my head is my business. I think the 180 suggestions are terrific because they are really all about me and my sanity and happiness, and not about trying to get someone to come back that I probably don't even want. Love them.

I did e-mail him this morning in response to an e-mail he sent yesterday afternoon. I just started to type out what his e-mail said, then decided not to waste the mental energy thinking about it. Baby steps. My point is that I e-mailed him reminding him to make arrangements to move out by this Sunday night. I told him I needed a lot of space and time to decided if I wanted to consider a reconciliation. In the meantime I asked him to do three things by this Sunday night:

1) NC letter - told him to Google it and blind CC me. Cut off communication, block her, etc. Destroy and evidence of her in his life (text, photos, gifts, etc.). He has already told me he has cut off communication and doesn't have photos/texts. I am asking again to point out that I don't necessarily BELIEVE HIM. I told him to let me know if he couldn't do this and I would consider the separation permanent.

2) I don't want to ever see his iPhone again. He has not had it out for two days (without me suggesting) and it has been very, very helpful. That thing is like the trigger of all triggers. I told him that if I did want to reconcile he would have to replace it with a granny phone. If he is smart he will do that now.

3) He has to seek IC. Needs an appointment booked by this Sunday.

I don't know if he'll do these things or not. I know he wants our family back, but not sure if he wants me back, necessarily. But not important.

Now I intend to go about my life. I have made plans with my cousins (we live in the same town) to go out for a girls night this Saturday night. Intend to have a few drinks. Already asked him to watch the kids. I am going to join a gym until I get into ski condition and will start hitting the slopes asap. I take my kids every weekend and stand around in the cold watching them have the time of their lives. :) Me too! As soon as Spring hits I'm signing myself up for tennis lessons, fat behind or no. I'm going to go to the movies alone. Whatever kind of music I want to play, I'm blasting it. I think I'll get a floral duvet cover. A pink one.

Did I mention that I can't stand my in-laws? I can't stand my in-laws. I really can't stand my in-laws. I have grown to love his mother (she was an acquired taste), but the whole family is still course, crude, common, and classless. I've already unfriended all of them on FB. He can explain why, if they ask.

Thanks again for letting me vent and for your thoughtful responses. I have one question:

Everyone has emphasized not making major, permanent decisions right now. Does that apply to my career? I have been wanting to leave my job for a while, but feel stuck because of the workload, it's tax season, etc. (I'm in financial planning at an accounting firm) I've been going to school (online at night), pursuing a new degree. I have enough money in the bank to pay the bills for six months and could stop paying for daycare. My children are going to need more of me during this transition. It would make me really happy to be able to be a SAHM again for a while (which is what I was for six years, until he lost his job, at which point I ran out and got two job offers in three weeks, while he was unemployed for seven months AND apparently thought this would be the ideal time to START AN AFFAIR WITH OUR FORMER BABYSITTER - while I was working, commuting two hours a day, and spending every free moment with our children). Oops, got derailed there for a minute. Sorry about that, back on track. Wow, you can't make this stuff up. It's like he went out of his way to be a cliche. ANYWAY. I would love to be able to focus on the kids and school and not have them in after school care/day care, especially this summer.

The thought makes me really happy, and makes sense to me. My kids would be THRILLED. But do I need to wait to make a decision like this? I don't think it's just my emotions talking. It was one of the first things I thought of when this happened and has consistently seemed like a good idea. I don't know if I can manage work, kids, school, and emotional turmoil by myself. I'd like to remove work from the equation. I'll have to figure out medical insurance... Hmm. Bad idea?


Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

When I read your posts I see a very strong woman. The way you reacted, the way you are thinking things out. The fact that you just kicked him out of the house. You have been doing really well.

My concern is that you might dig yourself into a hole if you quit your job. You write that it seems easier to D then to R. So many SAHM find the opposite true. With legal fees, medical, paying for two homes(two everything) during Separation.

Even as I write about the logical choice I can understand why you would want to be a SAHM again. I LOVED it and this might be your last chance to really enjoy those kids. Not too much help sorry.


Posts: 215 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

First off, welcome to SI, sorry you had a need for us. Second, just (((kellys))). Third, yes I feel it is bad timing to quit your job right now. Sorry.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
blinders_off
Member
Member # 34109
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Hi, Kelly,

I find your situation heart-rending and want you to know a lot of people care, even though only a small percentage will post.

You are doing GREAT. You sound really level-headed with good self-esteem.

Just in terms of your last post, you sound slightly manic. That is to be expected, but it also will cycle into less energy and sad and nostalgic and etc etc, so just be very gentle with yourself. That is the number one thing, gentle and slow.

So right now you are all about skiing and tennis lessons etc., and plans for yourself and the kids are the right direction, but also you don't have to overwhelm or book yourself in too far in the future. The coming week sounds great, so be present to that and be organic one week at a time.

In terms of FB and the like, just a caution that unfriending etc. can create drama and distraction. I found it best to simply not go on social media and unsubscribe from its emails (so and so liked such and such! who cares). That prevents a secondary and imo childish drama, when we are all adults and this shit is real. What I'm saying is don't check back to see who noticed, ask your husband to explain why you unfriended -- it's all really dumb and is not part of your strength, maturity, and being good to yourself.

Finally, about your job. I would advise against quitting now. I really would. You need that six months' cushion, six months passes fast, and you need the structure of being around adults and experiencing your professional competence. If you quit you will burn through savings, lose critical adult-in-the-world structure, have to soon think about applying/interviewing, and try to be SAHM-of-the-year while in crisis. It's a bad idea, although I understand the appeal. I say this as someone 6 months unemployed after leaving a job I was sure I hated. Six months goes FAST. And i felt unmoored and far less productive than I imagined when I fantasized about not being in a job. Plus, I did get validation and human adult connection from even my job. PLUS health insurance and other benefits are priceless.

Finally finally, you are doing great with the 180 and it reads as strong from here and also I am sure to your suddenly panicking spouse. Please keep it up. I often read on here about late-night texting sessions, wistful emails, or even the dreaded 10-page I love you but you hurt me how could you I hate you I love you come back go away email. Do not indulge!!!! There is nothing that will help BOTH you and POTENTIALLY your marriage right now more than being calm, brusque, stating your needs and letting go of outcome. It is a powerful position, whether you feel it or not. The point is not whether he "gets it" or whether he sends an angry or plaintive or whatever message; the point is that for you to have a life that works for you, and the CHANCE of a marriage that really feels safe and loving, you have to move from a place of deep integrity, congruent with your true needs. You won't need to shout those or contrast your integrity with his immature escapism. It will be obvious. IF and only IF you refuse to be reactive, baited into listening to his excuses or tale of confusion and woe, refuse to obsess about the various bizarre-world aspects of his affair, refuse to play into the soap-opera role they have made for you, and refuse to over-communicate your pain (in any begging/ why-why-why way I mean) OR your requirements list.

He knows what you need from him. Now let go and let him stew in in it and get some balls and step the f*ck up. No negotiating. He also should get to IC im-friggin-mediately because he does not know which way is up, and that's on him, you are not the rescue party.

much love.


Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2011
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

You mentioned that your WH's normal characteristic personality was that of a grump..

Same as what I lived with day in and day out with my WH..

That alone makes any misdeed my WH did a deal breaker..

I was so incredibly sick of walking on eggshells by the time D day came..I did it for with my WH for decades..D- day and an un remorseful angry WH made me decide to check out on the M (mentally) a long time ago..I am still getting my ducks in a row physically/financially to D..

Definitely not worth it to try to save our marriage and face the rest of my life being taken advantage of by somebody who will make the quality of my life a sucky one...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Make an appointment with a lawyer and don't make any decisions about job changes until you understand how it will effect your situation if you decide to D.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Aug 2010
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

NO! Do not allow him to destroy the evidence!!!!

Have him give you his iPhone, computer, iPad, anything and everything he was using to communicate with. SAVE all evidence!

You do not know yet what will happen in the future, and if there is even the possibility of divorce, the evidence is something you will need.

Please get tested for STD's immediately, and see a lawyer to find out what your rights are in the event of divorce.

Stay strong,

PPGA


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
kellys2014
New Member
Member # 42306
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Thanks for the advice, BlindersOff and everyone.

Maybe what I should be doing is looking to replace my job with something less stressful, maybe P/T or at least more family-friendly hours. Eventually. Still a change for the better, but you're right, don't want to deal with job hunting when the money runs out.

I hadn't thought about the FB drama angle. Oops. I meant it like, "I get to remove all the things in my life that I don't have to keep if we aren't together!" But yes, kind of manic and impulsive. The pink duvet is okay, though, right? Just kidding. I don't know how anyone would notice I unfriended them. You don't really get a notice or anything, do you? Dang. Oh well. I will be careful to avoid anything drama-related going forward.

I would give up FB altogether, except that it's the one way I keep in great touch with aunts, uncles and cousins scattered around the country, see photos of their kids, etc. Maybe I should go on a hiatus for a few months instead... I'll think about it and definitely take your advice to avoid any future drama or anything that smacks of pettiness.

I had to re-read your paragraph about the 180 a few times to absorb it. I need to be careful not to over communicate, over emote, over understand, etc. What do you mean when you say not to over communicate your requirement list?


Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I get another poster's point about not quitting your job...Maybe you can scale back to part time or work from home some of the time and go into the office some of the time..

I retired from my job because I was essentially forced to..I was of early retirement age andI had enough years of service to be paid very near the full retirement pension..My job description and our policies had changed so drastically..I no longer wanted to do ALL of the extra stuff it was gonna take to keep my job... I was gonna be evaluated this coming year based on the new structure of my job description..I also had long commute..I miss the people but I don't miss the job...Almost a year has gone and the year zoomed by..

I also feel that my staying in retirement for the time being( due to health reasons) may work to my advantage in that I won't be as exposed to the possibility of having to pay my WH high alimony payments in a divorce settlement..

So if you can scale back without quitting, you may have security of paychecks and still have more time for yourself ...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:05 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1169 | Registered: Nov 2011
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Kelly, I'm one who chose not to stay and I don't regret it for one single minute. Not everyone has it in them to reconcile; it's a personal choice for all of us and if you don't feel it would be a good thing for you, then that's perfectly fine if you choose another path.

Honestly? It sounds like this young bimbo is playing your husband like a fiddle. He's a middle-aged fool who thinks a hot 22 year old REALLY wants him but it kind of sounds more like she's been playing him for everything she could get from him - as well as the entertainment it provided her watching him jump through hoops like a desperate fool. You said he gave her gifts and money and prescription drugs and whatever else she could squeeze out of him. He acted like a sappy hormonal teenage boy over her while she gave him lip service mostly and used sex to keep his tail wagging. Just everything points to her faking the whole thing. Hey, if it were REALLY the love-fest of the century, she wouldn't have moved CLEAR across the country, now would she?

Your husband is acting like the affair is over because it ran it's course and he smartened up. But obviously, it ended because she chose to move away, not through any actions of his. So why he thinks you're supposed to be grateful that it ended back in 2012 is beyond me. I think these two would still be playing Mr. Midlife Crisis and Little Lolita if she hadn't moved.

And I think THAT speaks volumes.

I think his sudden 'remorse' is a big circus act in order to stay with you and the kids and not have to move out into his own place and face the consequences for his actions, if I'm being honest. I also think he'll continue to stay in touch with her for daily ego feed and cheap sex thrill because he can use APPS on his phone to do it and they don't show up on your cell phone bill like calls and texts do. He can do it without leaving a trace like he's done for the last couple of years, and I believe he'll continue to do it.

You sound strong and I think you're making very smart, independent decisions. I'm so glad you're not stuck financially with no options. Good for you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1711 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
kellys2014
New Member
Member # 42306
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I did try to cut and paste the contents of the text to save them, so I have something. Also a couple of initial e-mails back and forth with shocking details and him confirming or at least not denying anything.

I need to see an attorney already? Just to be separated? I do want to set myself up to make sure I get custody... From what I've read in Washington State they usually don't go for 50/50 (whew!) and do the alternating weekends + one weeknight thing. I AM my children's home and need to do whatever I can now to make that apparent if we go to court. One of my motivations for having him leave, actually. Setting that schedule up right now so the courts will see that it's been working and not make a significant change.

Washington is a no-fault divorce and community state, so I don't know if the text transcripts will help. I just saved them because they are beyond damning and I thought they might possibly give me some leverage with custody, if I need it. (Sending her his prescription drugs, for example.)

I'll think about asking for his phone, depending on his response to my demands. He might just decide this is too unpleasant and too much work and agree to move out and stay out, which is fine, too.

Does anyone just get legally separated? What's the benefit of being divorced, really?


Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
ShedSomeLight
Member
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

(((Kelly)))

I am so sorry ! I had to reach out and tell you that you have found a great website for help. The webiste no one really wants to find...but you are here with all of us who have experienced the same pain. I know the shock for sure. It hurts...I know !!! I had that same shock, but different circumstances. My "H" also had a long term affair for 2 1/2 years. I found out her identity from law enforcement. She was stalking me! He not only cheated on me, but was involved with a mentally unstable woman. She now has 4 felony convictions and I am in court with an Attorney. he had no idea she was the one stalking me either. We have been in therapy for 6 months and things are going VERY well. In some ways, my relationship has been the best it has ever been. it is hard work...but I am glad I am trying. Please know that one thing.. You are goign to be ok and will get through this.


Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2013
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

You should speak with an attorney to find out what your rights are with regards to separation. It is always best to have the right legal advice for your particular situation (which no one here can do).

This way you will go into this with your eyes wide open.

Did your husband have sex with her? Actually, even if he says he didn't, you need to get an STD check - make it one of your requirements for him too. Be sure he shows you his test results. Getting the STD check is a really hard step to take for a lot of us, for whatever reason, but like the visit with an attorney, it is for your peace of mind.

Hang in there.


Posts: 762 | Registered: Sep 2010
blinders_off
Member
Member # 34109
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I'll let more experienced members speak to the legal and saving-evidence aspects.

In terms of the 180, what i meant is that in an earlier post you set forth what you want from him right now. Not sure if/how you've communicated that to him yet. What i was saying is, insofar as you can, you communicate clearly and almost neutrally, and then sit back. If you negotiate or clarify or engage in listening to him complain that they are onerous etc., the waters get muddied and old dynamics and communication patterns undermine the original clarity.

I know it's hard, but this is a major life crisis, due entirely to his actions. Actions speak louder than words. So step back and see what he does, which is much easier to see when there ISN'T a lot of emotional communication and you get drawn into what he *says* or end up explaining what you *say* or *meant* -- that is the quicksand.

[This message edited by blinders_off at 2:36 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2011
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Copying and pasting is better than nothing, but does not PROVE anything, because, lets face it, anybody could 'create' any sort of document.

You need screen shots, or even take a pic with your phone, of his phone with the texts showing.

Even that is not solid proof....BUT, any of this may be helpful with a financial split, custody, or, like you say, negotiations.

My state is a 'fault' state so, any and all proof, can impact a financial split. If I can prove adultery in my state, the judge can award me a 60/40 split, instead of 50/50. It can also facilitate a quicker divorce.

So, don't throw out any evidence until things are settled one way or the other, and even then, I have kept all my evidence, even though we are in R.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
KatyaCA
Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Washington State is pro child so they do often do 50/50 custody splits per the parenting plan put in place. The state prefers children to spend the maximum time allowed with BOTH parents. Please don't make the mistake of thinking the WA state court system is pro mother. Please seek a lawyer and do a consult to find out exactly what your rights are. That does not mean you need to file now but it will help you to be informed about where you stand.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

The purpose of meeting with an attorney is to have a consultation about what your options are re: D. All of the questions you asked are here fair game and you will probably think of more. Right now it is just a fact-finding mission, no action is necessary. Remember that knowledge is power.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Aug 2010
kellys2014
New Member
Member # 42306
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Hmm. That's interesting. I had heard that Washington was not a 50/50 state, specifically because it is not generally thought best for the children. Although convenient for parents. To split their time between two homes seems unnecessarily disruptive and confusing to me. I was told that the most common arrangement is the every other weekend + one weeknight with whichever parent is the primary caregiver (not necessarily the mother).

I guess I will find out soon enough, but I have already told him what I want our parenting agreement to look like, and that I'll, of course, happily encourage any additional time beyond that. I just want it set up so that they have one primary home (mine). As a child of divorced parents, my mother was my constant, so I guess I'm predisposed toward this arrangement. He is a GOOD DAD and I hope he will continue to remain a constant in their lives.


Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
iamsoblind42
Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Hey Kellys,

I can see you are an incredibly strong person. I too suffered a shocking blow just a little over three weeks ago. At first I did not know what to do but I kicked him out 2 days later and every day since I get a little more of myself back that I realize I had been losing over the years. It is an amazing feeling. I am sad over the loss and the feeling of wasted years but I know in the future I will be happier than I have ever been.

The lack of passion you referred to I have felt as well and at least now I know it wasn't me.

If you want click on the smiley face by my post to read my story and to see how far I have come in a very short time. Might give you some hope. I too have kids and worried about them but honestly they are doing really well now.

Best of luck my dear!


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
undertherug
Member
Member # 41580
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Kellys -- I have been following your posts and I noticed something. Maybe I am wrong (that happens frequently) but it's something you haven't said. A lot of the newly BS post how much they still love the WS. I don't think you have said that. Do you want R? I know it's very soon and the pain is so fresh and you probably don't know yet how you feel about the WS. So sorry you are going through this. No one deserves this kind of pain.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
kellys2014
New Member
Member # 42306
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I love the part of him that is a good person. He is the kind of guy who would help anyone, stick up for anyone, a big teddy bear. He is a devoted and doting father - very family oriented. He used to be (for nine or ten years) extremely supportive, attentive, sweet, and thoughtful. My whole extended family loves him and has always joked about cloning him. I can't tell you the number of times I have been asked, "Does he have a brother?" (He does, they are both drips.)

I do not feel romantically in love with him. For the past three or four years he has also shown a gruff, coarse, selfish side that is unappealing to me. I think he has been depressed for the past few years. I'm not physically attracted to him, but I also would not be physically attracted to me if I were in his shoes. We are both just... so... tired. All the time. He's asleep in his recliner snoring by 8pm. I could take a nap anywhere, anytime. I fall asleep in the dentist chair and at the hair salon. I could sleep at a long stop light. It's not a sexy state of being, always being tired.

So to answer your question, yes I do love him. But I don't love or like or accept all of him. (I'm sure he would say the same about me.)

I'll bet he felt totally loved and accepted by the AP during their affair and since. The things he texted her and pics he sent her... if someone said or sent those things to me I would slap them. It must have felt intoxicating to be so accepted, pervy side and all. No wonder people have affairs.


Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
kellys2014
New Member
Member # 42306
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

For the first time, I'm realizing that this is my fault, after all. I should have just let him go two years ago when I wanted to the first time, instead of staying together for the kids.

We've been a lot happier this past year - things seemed good. But now I realize things were still pretty messed up. I was just so focused on our FAMILY that I ignored how I felt and how he obviously felt about our lack of connection.


Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Kelly,
Welcome....it is NOT your fault. Period. He chose to cheat. He is the one at fault. Period. It sounds like you were both unhappy to a point, you did not cheat. He did. It is 100% his fault for cheating. You both may have contributed to martial issues...but that did not give him the right to cheat.

You mentioned a couple of things in your first post, 1) you are over the shock...in reality, the shock is just starting, the emotional roller coaster is terrible; 2) he is remorseful...he is regretful for being caught...remorse takes time and commitment on his part...it is too soon to see remorse.

I also recommend you see your gyn doc and get tested for STDs. It is better to be safe and get checked.

You have gotten wonderful advice, I just wanted to share a little bit more information.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Sounds like he was more of a sugar daddy to her. She sounds like a hooker of sorts and especially conniving.

Can you find out how much money he spent on her? Some states allow you to be paid half that in divorce.

If the prescription drug stuff was iffy or illegal even that could be leverage in case custody becomes an issue.

Make sure your attorney knows everything.

None of this is your fault whatsoever. In time this will become very clear to you.

[This message edited by whattheh at 10:33 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
BeautifulEmpty
Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Washington State is pro child so they do often do 50/50 custody splits per the parenting plan put in place. The state prefers children to spend the maximum time allowed with BOTH parents. Please don't make the mistake of thinking the WA state court system is pro mother. Please seek a lawyer and do a consult to find out exactly what your rights are. That does not mean you need to file now but it will help you to be informed about where you stand.

I live inWashington State and I have 50/50 with my ex husband. He hired an attorney specializing in joint custody. The court threw him out twice and finally gave it to hi the third time. The unfortunate part I will never live down is that I believed him when he gave me his reasons for wanting joint custody, when he was begging for it because he knew without me, he'd lose. So, I went along with it and back in 2001, if I hadn't, he would not have gotten it. Biggest mistake of my life and worst thing for my children.
I'm not sure if things have changed since then but the commissioners who threw us out repeatedly chewed him out and told me that it wasn't in the best interests of the child and detailed why they felt it was a horrible idea. We had a different commissioner each time.
So...that is what WA state was like.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
iamsoblind42
Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I agree...so not your fault but I think we all experienced that emotion at one time.

I filed for legal separation 6 days after DDay. I found the forms on line for my state and had my WH meet me at the courthouse where we jointly signed in front of a notary. No attorney necessary if you can get him to cooperate.

I pulled my WHs credit report on day 5 and found that he had been racking up serious debt for last two years. If he has been sending her money you might want to check this too.

The legal separation does everything a divorce does, you just can't get remarried without a divorce and you can stay on a joint insurance policy. May give you the time you need to decide if this is what you really want. I sent you a personal message if you'd like to discuss further.

Also, I think a pink duvet it a great idea. Got mine yesterday but it's purple


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 202 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
Topic Posts: 44