User Topic: The AP
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

It is now 16 months in R.

Husband is doing really well. We are going to start MC soon. Not really to deal with A issues (16 months of working it out has pretty much dealt with that), but to make our M as strong as it can be to safeguard it from happening again.

My biggest issue is the AP...

Does anyone else swing from:

extreme venom and hate to the point of wanting to rip their eyes and hair out.

to...pity for them, because they have to live their life with such low self-esteem and confidence. I must suck to wake up every morning feeling so low about yourself you need to be easy to build yourself up.

to...thankful for their actions, because it woke your fWH up. They are now a better H than before and appreciate you so much more. They realize how stupid they were and regret ever knowing or thinking any other women can compare to you. They bust their ass to show you everyday how much they love you.

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Member # 27871
Exclaimation  Posted: 6:55 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

((((Hopeful mother)))) I have felt these feelings also. You are not alone. You have been heard. Almost 4 years out. We are recovering.

Me:53 BS
Him:53 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:35
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 762 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Door number one. I have absolutely no zip zero compassion for the OW. I don't spend time thinking about OW anymore but if I do I wish OW the worst consequences.

[This message edited by whattheh at 7:04 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Absolutely! In fact I worry about my sanity sometimes because I feel compassion for some of the APs. And yes, secretly I sometimes feel.. Not thankful, but something positive about how our M is now compared to before.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 924 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Sorry - edited cause I vented

[This message edited by alleyk at 11:46 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
Deeply Scared
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:00 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)


This is not a vent thread...there isn't any namecalling in this forum, please read the forum description.

Everyone else...if this thread continues in this direction we will be forced to move it and that would be very unfortunate for the Author of this thread, because moving past the AP in a constructive way is very much a part of reconciling.

Please post accordingly.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 197789 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

yes to all 3.

in the beginning it was ALLLLL venom. but as time went on, and i worked thru things in MC/IC, there is the rare occasion I feel pity for her. My WH was her 3rd how horrible it must be to live such a sad and lonely existence when she has a wonderful husband and beautiful children. We were friends at one time, so knowing her the way i did, i know that she will never really know peace and happiness...and that is quite sad.

i can say that i will never be thankful for their actions....however, i have never seen my WH work so hard on himself, our marriage and our family. The aftermath/consequences of the A have awoken something in my WH, and i do believe he is a changed man. It is so very sad that it takes something as devastating as an A to spark the changes.

I wish you all the best in MC. I do so love mine, and she has been wonderful. We have learned new ways to communicate and to work thru issues. She has helped us identify old, destructive patterns and change behaviors. I truly hope you have the same experience.

hugs to you.

Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
New Member
Member # 42162
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Hopeful mother,

I feel the same way a lot if the time about the AP.

I feel lots of anger that someone (who went through infidelity herself) would do this, when she said she never would and I also feel sorry for her because she allowed herself to be used by my fWH. He wasn't interested in having an actual relationship with her.

However, I struggle with being thankful to her. Yes, my husband realized his behavior and is doing all that he can to change but I can't quite be thankful. At least not yet. I'm also not ready to forgive her, but that's for another day.

Me:BW 38
Him: fWH 39

1 DD 7 yrs old, one on the way then miscarried Jan 2014

DDay 12/29/2013
In R and taking one step at a time.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 35679
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I am 2 years out this week. Anti-versary is 2/8.

I'm mainly at door number three and do agree with Nothing is Certain:

I feel lots of anger that someone (who went through infidelity herself) would do this, when she said she never would and I also feel sorry for her because she allowed herself to be used by my fWH. He wasn't interested in having an actual relationship with her.

WH is MOW's 3rd AP plus there is another family friend of theirs that went NC and won't take her H's calls or even text and he can't understand why. So, after reading for the last two years, it seems that a firm NC is in place for that family. He would make number 4.

I wish there was more information on how/why someone can go through an A, know and deal with the pain first hand and years later fall into the same pattern not twice but four times.

I tell WH I am here and we are working towards a better future because he tells me almost everyday that he has so much more to give me and show me (LOVE) but he knows we are doing this ONE TIME ONLY.

This is tough business we're dealing with here.

ME (BS): 41 and so stupid!
Him (WH): 43. He's my dragon slayer but my heart wasn't supposed to be slayed!

Posts: 193 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Miami
Member # 37330
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

yup - part of me wants to walk up to her and thank her for giving me back a better husband than I have ever had before BUT I think I want to do that out of spite more than anything; her husband has left her and the divorce sounds nasty from what I have heard...

this is such a messy situation we find ourselves in.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Married 10 yrs
Together 11 1/2 years
I've loved him forever
4 beautiful children ages 4-12 (one not bio his) but his through love

Posts: 597 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Never thankful for AP but, yes, I have hated her and pitied her.

Now, I try to not let her take up too much headspace.

My real venom was reserved for wh.
AP made no promises to me. Wh did.

ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Nope, I just stay on option one.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1311 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

I can relate to all the feelings you describe, hopefulmother.

The fact that you waffle between them is, IMO, a sign that you are actually working through your feelings and not allowing yourself to get stuck. That is awesome and gives you good reason to be "hopeful". :)

Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1732 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

almost done with extreme venom and hate

not really pity

not at all thankful

pretty close to indifferent

doesn't deserve my time or attention

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
New Member
Member # 41824
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

[This message edited by demonshide at 10:05 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

Married 17 yrs, 4 children, WH has had multiply, varied affairs, I am trying to put one foot in front of the other and believe God is with me.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Thank you guys for all your input. I haven't felt any anger for over a week and half. No name calling and etc. I feel really good. Like my marriage is back to normal and she never existed. As a matter of fact I will be posting soon what I recently did.

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Mainly 2 & 3, and a little bit of 1. More disgust and pity than hair ripping.

More and more lately, I see her as just an opportunist, who inserted herself in our marriage at a particularly weak spot. But, in the end, I hope that those 2 months are but a blip on the radar of our marriage. The betrayal changed my life, it changed our lives, and I hope it will be for the better once all the pain dissipates. Not that I would recommend the route - but if you are going to have a disaster, you might as well learn from it!

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 1966 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 17