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User Topic: Mind Blown ... thoughts?
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

So, when I discovered my STBX was a serial cheater I told some close friends. One disclosed that her H had cheated on his first wife. I thought she was #3 ... welllll, out to lunch this week and she tells me she's #4!! Not only that but he cheated on #3 with her!! My friend was the OW!!!! WTF!! Ahhhhh I am so blown away. She said the 'marriage was over, he just hadn't filed D papers' ... but I'm thinking HIS wife didn't know that. To this day she refers to my friend as "the Whore" ... and my MIND is BLOWN!

I am having some issues with this. On one hand this friend has been there for me for almost a decade ... and she is fun, and funny. Her youngest and my youngest are besties. On the other ... OMFG! She's an OW!!

Argh ... it really shouldn't impact my friendship .. but it has changed my perception of her. Also, she was very sympathetic toward my STBX, stating that when she last saw him he looked terrible. In my mind, not terrible enough. She's not defending what he did, but I think she is empathetic towards him because her H is/was a cheater.

Thoughts? Just anything ...


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Ugh. I don't know how I would handle this. Compartmentalize, I guess.

Part of me reads what you wrote and is thinking a little meanly about the karma bus when her H moves on to #5. Wonder how she will feel then?

She seems to still have wayward thinking, so I get why you are upset. It doesn't seem worth ruining the friendship over, but you can get a little distance from her in the future or explain if the opportunity rises that you are a little upset over learning this. However I'm not sure how she would take that.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
scarednbroken
Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Idk your friend situation very well, but if it were me (I have VERY FEW friends), I'd keep the ally and support, but at a distance.. Not confidante status, she sympathizes...or empathizes.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

She said the 'marriage was over, he just hadn't filed D papers' ... but I'm thinking HIS wife didn't know that. To this day she refers to my friend as "the Whore"

She doesn't own her choices and their consequences...for those around her. As such, I would count her more as an acquaintance or companion than a true friend. To me, she'd be a risk.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11225 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

She doesn't own her choices and their consequences..
I agree with Holly. This is someone that can not be trusted, that doesn't have any integrity. I would not be able to be friends with an unremorseful wayward. Watch your back if you continue a friendship with her, you just may find a knife in it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9798 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I'd ditch her. She's not ever going to vet that what she did was wrong. You need people around you that KNOW and HONOR boundaries. She ain't one of them.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jun 2007
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Yeah. I agree with the others. I'd be creating distance there post haste.

She is not to be trusted. No moral compass at all. If nothing else, the fact that she revealed that information to you should seal the deal on that.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

If she's your friend, she's your friend.

And now you know her better. Why not continue the friendship with the knowledge that when she speaks, she's doing it from the perspective of an OW?

Many people here forgive their spouses. Maybe your friend deserves that consideration, too?


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Many people here forgive their spouses. Maybe your friend deserves that consideration, too?
You are missing the point, FeelingSoMuch, we forgive remorseful waywards. We may forgive unremorseful waywards, too, but we go NC with them. This woman is not remorseful in the least. She doesn't own her shit, she has excuses.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9798 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Steve55
Member
Member # 41621
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I think that your friendship with this person is forever altered because she is in an A and doesn't seem remorseful about it.

There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting.. I don't think I could forget that she was ok with doing that to another person's spouse.

My situation is similar, My exGF cheated on me with another co-worker. We were friends before she was my GF and we had gone back to being friends after. That was before I found out that she was cheating. Now, aside from my feelings of betrayal and hurt, I don't think I could ever forget that she was ok to be the OW with this guy, and is continuing to do it. I just never thought she would do something like that and would be ok with it.

[This message edited by Steve55 at 3:08 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 113 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: West Coast
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Also, she was very sympathetic toward my STBX, stating that when she last saw him he looked terrible.

^^^Watch out for this.
I had a very good friend, like a sister for over 20 years. About the time we first became friends, she was an OW. I didn't find out her "boyfriend" was married til a few years later. We stayed friends, but it took me a long time to finally let it go as a fluke that she had been an OW. She was very young, he was older, she was insecure with FOO blah blah blah.
Fast forward to when I started having that gut feeling. She was entirely too empathetic for my WS. She kept insisting he was such a catch and if my unfounded and crazy suspicions didn't go away, I was gonna "lose a good man"!
Found out before DD she was secretly calling him and telling him to keep the conversations secret from me. She was telling him EVERYTHING I had confided in her.
I dropped her like a hot potato and never looked back. A few months later, DD, but that's another story with another stupid whore.
Lesson learned, I will never let another OW be that close to me again unless she has done the hard work to fix herself.
Watch your back with this girl. NOT saying to dump her, only you know all the ins and outs of your R with her, but keep a close eye on the situation.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2334 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Topic Posts: 11