User Topic: What is true love?
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Do you feel like it exist? Do you believe in "soulmates"? Do you feel your BS/WS is "special"? Or do you feel like you could have fallen in love with anyone with the right circumstances? Just pondering on this and thought I would see what others Opinions are. Seeing how I'm sure we have all had this going through our heads at some point.

Both WS and I believed in "soulmates" we were happy to find each other so young. Now that I am reevaluating things, I'm not so sure if I do believe in the "soulmates" but one things for sure, I don't believe in what I thought it meant. I THOUGHT IT MEANT HAPPILY EVER AFTER. so ya not so sure anymore. Thinking back I feel like all those princess and cinderella movies are kinda crule.

Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

'Happily ever after' is from fairy tales rather than real life.

For me, 'soulmates' is in the same column.

I do believe in sustainable love. That is way different from soul mates. And if there is such a thing as 'happily ever after' it will never be effortless.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I used to believe we were soulmates. I used to believe that God made one man and one woman exclusively for each other.
Now I don't know what I believe yet?
I know my love was genuine and his wasn't. I know I wasn't broken, and he is shattered.
I know that I want to be left alone right now. Really, I think I just want to be left alone. Alone doesn't mean I have to be lonely. It means I never have to count on someone that isn't going to be there for me. I know that since he can't have my back, I can.

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2325 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I'd have to say true love is between a parent and their child. Anything else is limerance, IMO.

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5397 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

..oh, that is so easy to answer..

It's what I feel for my cat, Max! I shower him with hugs and kisses... and I play with him and we have lots of fun together!! is TRUE LOVE!!! ..and he won't cheat on me.. ( he's been fixed!!! )


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I don't believe in soul mates. Statistically people are more apt to marry people who live near them. Unlikely we're all living near our "soul mate".

I think we could love various people we run across in our lives; there is a certain combination of compatibility and chemistry. I don't think it's "magical".

Romeo and Juliet started off the fantasy years ago--they see each other, fall instantly in love and can't live without each other. And that's supposed to be the height of romance! True romance, IMHO, is supporting each other through thick and thin through years of ups and downs, and still want to see that person's face every morning.

True love to me is wanting the person you love to be their best, most authentic self and helping them reach that. It's making their needs equal to your own (not greater, as some may say--we need to be equal and strong in our own right). It's wanting to make that person happy, but not at the expense of whole.

My H was actually surprised when I told him that he wasn't my soul mate. Really? No soul mate would behave the way he had, even before his A. Too selfish, too disconnected his needs always paramount. And he thought I was his?? Really?

No, reality is not that pretty. But it can still be very sweet.

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 5th (Wednesday) is TRUE LOVE!!! ..and he won't cheat on me.. ( he's been fixed!!! )

Thanks for the laugh, smy!

Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron

Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I think the whole "soul mates" thing and everything that goes along with it lulls people into a false sense of security. The princess movies aren't cruel, they are just not realistic. It makes you think that love just is and you don't have to work at it. If I have learned anything from this whole crappy experience, it is that true love takes hard work. You can't just commit once when you say your M vows, you have to actively re-commit every day. Some days I don't feel like loving my FWH very much and I am sure he feels the same way at times. But instead of stewing in that feeling, we have learned how to do something about it. You have to make happily ever after happen. Love is a verb.

I do feel my FWH is special, because he is compatible with me in so many ways. I would not have that with just anybody. But I do believe I could have started out with somebody else equally as compatible. He is just the one I chose to build a life with. We are working on making it better every day (despite a building collapse along the way).

Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1330 | Registered: Aug 2010
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Soulmates? no.

I am still trying to define love with words but one of the things I have come up with is consideration.

With everything you do there is consideration for your love. Every action is not just meant for one but for two. When I exercise it seems like a selfish act, but it makes me a more mellow person to be around and more fit looking too. When I need alone time it is to recharge then be able to connect better. When my WH was f-ing whorezilla that was purely selfish. No consideration. That is not love.

ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 296 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I have never believed in soul mates or true love or fantasy love or any of that stuff. I have always believed that relationships are hard work and take dedication and commitment. Nothing magical about that.

After everything I have been through with my spouse, I believe soul mates are made. Not found. We have worked so hard to be true partners to one another. I have a level of faith and comfort with him that is better than any fantasy any day.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

We used to tell each other we were the love of each other's lives. I think he believed that, even as he was acting as if I didn't even exist. For me, I know I meant it. But I know also that I am going to meet and love other people; maybe just one, maybe a few. I hope I love them as intensely as I loved him. And if they are faithful and true and committed and do the work, and so do I, then the proof will be in the pudding.

I secretly hope that he does find no one else ignites the same feeling in him. That it turns out...I WAS the love of his life, if he could have only had his sh*t together. But realistically he'll probably have that feeling again too.

It doesn't mean the love was wrong or false exactly. But it's how you follow through on that euphoric rush that counts, what you build up together and protect from harm that makes it last.

Anyway, that's how I think of it. I may be giving him too much credit to believe his love was authentic. But I am happier when I let myself believe it; that the love was there, and he just couldn't live up to what it meant.

"Happily ever after" was never exactly something I expected but I sure didn't expect betrayal either. I thought we would be a team and work together, communicate and be honest and overcome threats to our love together. Unfortunately not everyone is mature enough to do that.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I thought my WW and I had a special bond. You may use the term soulmates.

Now, however, I know that is hogwash. In my world, there are no soulmates, at least not after an A. It is impossible to be somebody's soulmate and screw other people, too.

Generally, however, I don't believe in soulmates even without an A in the relationship.

Posts: 343 | Registered: May 2010
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Maybe I shouldn't have used the words "happily ever after". More like a " no matter what nobody can come between us, have each others back 110%, always complete honesty, faithful and committed to the end"

I don't know, maybe it's my age. I'm going to be 25 soon and it will be almost 10 years since I have been with WS. I never thought about me being happy without him, by myself or with someone else. Now that this has hit me... the world seems so cruel. I guess I was just naive to believe in " the one " and I feel kinda dumb in a way to think I was soo lucky to have found "it". Maybe I just felt what I desired. Because I don't consider true love to be a soulmate Fudging around.
I guess I just always thought if he did cheat then it's not true love and I would leave. BUT the love doesn't go away

Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I'm not sure with the forum guidelines are for posting links. If you want a real laugh on this topic, Google Tim Minchin's "If I didn't have you".

True love is work. There are no soul mates...only degrees of chemistry and compatibility. Bonds are strengthened over time and through shared experience.

Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.

Posts: 260 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I thought that what my wife and I shared was special and unique. We met in the 5th grade and I moved away after that year. I thought about her often but was living over seas with my parents as they were missionaries. I kept in contact with her through my cousin who went to school with her. Of course we had different lives but I always felt a connection to her.

After I returned to the states I looked her up and we've been together since 1999. Had I known my Juliet was capable of doing the things she has done to me I no longer believe in soul mates or happily ever after. I have a whole new outlook on life now. It's a damn shame but I guess I had to wake up sometime.

Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

True love is what I had and my WW did not.

True love is also used by Disney to push DVDs.

Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"

Posts: 153 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I Google and THANK YOU

Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

"Happily ever after" was never exactly something I expected but I sure didn't expect betrayal either. I thought we would be a team and work together, communicate and be honest and overcome threats to our love together. Unfortunately not everyone is mature enough to do that.

Norabird said it well^^

I hope that eventually I will find the kind of love mentioned above. That is the hope I hold on to and when I'm ready I hope it is there.

Me: 35
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 283 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Well, I knew a lot of girls without falling in love with any of them. Lust, yes; love, no. So I don't think I could love just anyone. At the same time, I think there are a lot of women out there I could fall in love with, get to know, and love.

I believe in soulmates - which I define as 'people who bring out our better/best qualities'. I just think we have a lot of 'em.

I also believe we have 'anti-soulmates' - people who bring out our worse/worst qualities. I think some As happen because people meet their anti-soulmates. JMO, of course.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 19