User Topic: Is drug taking normal?
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Is drug taking normal? I am at a crossroads in my life. My OH takes drugs, I do not. We have been together 8 years and have 2 children together. I constantly feel like I am second best to cannabis. It rules our lives.
What makes matters worse is that my OH has surrounded himself with people who take drugs on a daily basis, who all think this is normal. They think nothing of taking ampethamines, cocaine or ecstacy at the weekend. I'm not saying I'm a saint, when I was a teenager I dabbled and made mistakes. But when I had children I stopped. They are my priority. To make sure they have a stable happy upbringing. My OH friends think I'm a "bunny boiler" because I do not like him taking drugs.
I feel like he has two lives that are not compatible at all.
I do not want my children being affected by this. He insists that they wont be, they will be educated appropriately.
I feel like I'm being pressured into believing this is normal. OH agrees he has an addiction and it is not the perfect situation, but he compares it to myself taking anti-depressants, or wine at the weekend. I don't know what to do.
I guess I just want to see everybodies reactions. Am I going against the tide? How common is this? Help.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Not very common at all.

If it's reinforced within a group of friends, it may look like the norm, and 'recruiting' is heavy duty so that the abnormal-ness seems normal.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I don't understand how his friends think of you as a "bunny boiler" because you are not into drugs. Have any of them actually seen that movie to know what that is?

Or, is this some new title that I am unaware of? In which case, I'm a bunny boiler too. heheh

Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

How old are these people?

Nobody in my circle of friends smokes, let alone does any illegal drugs. I would not have that in my life.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 40505
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I am 25 and my OH is 31. I have no idea what the bunny boiler movie is, it is a term that his friends use to describe a girlfriend that is crazy.
None of my friends take drugs, but I don't have a lot of close friends. He seems to have a lot of close friends who all take drugs! I feel like I'm being dragged into a lifestyle I don't want to be in, and don't know how to get out of it.
Thanks for you replies.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

There is no coke or pills but I can only tell you that many - I would say most of my girlfriends growing up - their H's smoke pot. My H smokes pot. And his friends smoke pot. I think its out of control.

I have let my H know that he now needs to tell me every time he smokes. I want to know what I am dealing with. I also let him know that I wish he wanted more for himself. The last time he did was Jan.2nd. He declined a superbowl party where there would be pot.

Our son just made a poster about not doing drugs. I told my H - one day he is going to ask you if you do it and you will need to be honest with him.

Hugs to you Amber13. Set some boundaries and make them clear. No wiggle room! Your kids are watching.

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:48 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Amber - There are certain groups in our society that are so entrenched in this lifestyle that they do believe it is totally normal to smoke weed, take a snort of powder, and even pop a pill with not know what the effect will be.

However this is not the norm, and although Weed has become incredibly popular again, it should not be consumed on a regular basis, just like alcohol in large quantities shouldn't be.

If you want to be successful and productive, and healthy you cannot be a part of that group, at least not for very long.

ETA: In my profession even being associated with illegal drug activity puts my career and license at risk. I would not only have to eliminate it from my life, but put distance between it.

OH agrees he has an addiction and it is not the perfect situation, but he compares it to myself taking anti-depressants, or wine at the weekend.

Yah sorry no. A glass or two of wine on the weekend does not = an addiction. Pot does not = antidepressants. In fact it is the opposite, it is a depressive agent. So is alcohol. Often when we choose to "self medicate" we choose things that lessen our symptoms promptly. However it usually is not what we need.

You need to put your foot down on this one. Addictive behavior will continue until he is forced to realize the damage it is causing. I would suggest you attend an Al-Anon meeting or two get a good understand of enabling behaviors on your part. It will help you to be strong in your stance.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 2:51 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

In my little world, smoking weed and taking other illegal drugs is most definitely not "normal." I have often said (and I mean it) I would D my H faster for excessive alcohol or drug abuse even faster than for cheating. I have no tolerance for it.

I also believe prescription drugs are over prescribed, thanks in part to tv ads pushing them so hard.

Posts: 5764 | Registered: Apr 2006
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I'm with Bobbi_sue.
No drugs in me or in my life by choice, ever.
I do not want my children being affected by this. He insists that they wont be, they will be educated appropriately

I grew up watching my stupid stepfather getting high. Two times he tried to rape me after getting high. His pervert friends tried to grope me and ogle me. Nasty fuckers.
When drugs come into play, the only way you can protect your children is to keep the drugs and the people away from them.
You cannot control him or his friends or how they will act around your kids. If you really want to keep them safe, keep them away from your H until he is clean and into counseling and a addict program. And if he tries to tell you he isn't an addict, then tell him to quit and never touch that shit again.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 3:58 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2354 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Living like your WH and his druggie friends want to is abnormal and, when, not if, they are busted, its very likely that your house will be searched and probable that your children may be taken away by child protective services. What they are doing is ILLEGAL and I can assure you, that law enforcement takes having children around drug activity very, very seriously.

If he''s doing drugs, he needs to be out of the house. You do not want to have to go petition the court to try to get your children back and answer questions about how you knew that they were all doing it and took no steps to safeguard your children. This is harsh and it''s meant to be. If you have to ask if taking drugs is a normal part of life, then you probably need to know what it means being involved in that lifestyle, no matter if you partake or not now, child custody-wise.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4966 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I have no idea what the bunny boiler movie is, it is a term that his friends use to describe a girlfriend that is crazy.

That is not exactly what a bunny boiler is. I think you should know what the term is so that you can tell them all to piss off if they call you that again.

It was based on a movie where the husband was having an affair and he decided to end it. The OW (not the wife) went nuts when he did that and his life became a living hell because she was insane. At one point, she left a bunny boiling on the stove in his home.

This has nothing to do with you just because you will not do drugs. In my world there is only one word for you - smart.

[This message edited by cissi at 5:05 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Nobody in my circle of friends smokes, let alone does any illegal drugs. I would not have that in my life.

It's NOT normal. If your home got raided and they found drugs you would lose your kids. If he had the kids and was ever pulled over and they found drugs on him, you run a serious risk of losing your kids. If you got pulled over and they found drugs in your car, you would lose your kids.

See where this is going? It's his choice to be involved in drugs. It's your choice to distance yourself from that, leave him and leave the drugs.

For custody, you need to get an attorney. Make sure drug testing is MANDATORY and try to get supervised visitation.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)


The truth is that people like you describe always end up in jail, dead, or screwed up and broke for life. Addiction draws you away from life.

Sure, the stuff is out there. It can make you feel good for a few minutes or hours, then leave you with years and years of anguish, despair, and misery.

Being clean may not be easy in the circles you've found yourself in, but its necessary to establish any long-term positive outcome.

Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I think different people will tell you different things. And like it or not, our country seems to be moving toward a place of acceptance re: recreational use of marijuana. It's already legal in two states.

That said--even if it's legal in your state, it's a problem in your relationship if you think it is. Just like with alcohol. A spouse needn't be "addicted"" or an alcoholic for alcohol to be causing relationship problems. Ditto to video games, etc.

If it's a problem for you, then your spouse should be open to listening. If he's not, then that is telling you something about his priorities. You need to define your priorities and act accordingly.

Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
Member # 17185
Revenge  Posted: 7:08 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

No, it is not normal.

Please. How old are these people? They seem too high to be able to use the term "bunny boiler" correctly and are aware of its origin.

I do indulge in MJ maybe four times a year, nothing else.

Cocaine? X? Really? Comparing these to anti-d's? Absolutely ridiculous. Ack.

Do not let these imbeciles question what you know is right. Get rid of them. Sooner or later, they will end up in jail for possession or driving while impaired.

"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
New Member
Member # 42306
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I guess I'm old fashioned, but I think once you become a parent, recreational drug use should stop or become rare. And only when the kids aren't around, obviously. Kinda seems like parenting 101 to me. People who want to keep partying probably should wait a while to have kids.

Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting

Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I'm 30. No, this is NOT normal in most social circles.

BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014


Posts: 2316 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Put me in the fuddy duddy group. I have no friends who do any recreational drugs. They do very little alcohol and all have quit smoking. We grew up in the 60's and 70's. Our friends put all that away after college and started jobs and families. The only person I know that kept up the drug lifestyle died several years ago.

Most work places can and will do random drug screens. They can fire you if you fail, even in pot legal states. Your H and friends sound very immature and reckless. Make sure your children are not around when he is under the influence, especially while driving. In our state drug use in the home can result in removal of children by social services.

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

It was normal in our group.of friends when we were early 20s. When.I became pregnant I wanted it to stop. My ws was not one that could recreationally dabble, he was balls to the walls. I moved out when he started bringing the party home and I had an infant. He went to rehab then we R and chose different friends.I didn't want a bunch.of drunk coke snortin fools in my house with kids, my husband being the #1 fool. It's not the norm for us now. Our friend's these days drink ice tea
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5172 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

So Not Normal. In fact, this is a huge issue.

Like alcohol, drugs lead to very poor decision making. That he is surrounding himself with like-minded people is an indication of an increasing rapid descent into a very dark world. I will be amazed if we don't here from you in the near future about his overdose or his struggles with addiction.

I never thought my fWW's affair was a dealbreaker. If she started acting like your husband, she'd come home from work on day to find me and the kids gone, the house empty but for a restaining order taped to the front door and no forwarding address.

This will be a crash your children do not need to see.

BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot

Posts: 647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

I'm always shocked and sad when I read stuff like this when there are children around and having to grow up in such conditions of these types of careless parents. Kudos to you Amber for growing up and becoming a mature and responsible young woman. He obviously isn't mature yet. To me it's a lack of parental responsibility to continue this activity. Personally if it were me, I would be making secret plans to get away from these people and him if he can't grow up. Add in his infidelity (because I assume that's originally what you're here for) to the mix.

Your kids are much more perceptive than you give them credit for. They will know soon what's going on with Dad. And is this where you want to see them in their teenage years...experimenting in your own house with Dad's found stash? I guaranty this will eventually catch up to both of you one day. Him probably more than you. But one day you will regret not stopping this now for your kids sake if you don't.

BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Topic Posts: 21