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User Topic: I seriously need some help.....
CantLoseHope
Member
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Let me start by saying I am new to this site. I am reaching out to strangers because in the past I have had the problem (a problem I have been working on for some months now) of sharing too much with close family members. My husband and I's struggles came to a head a little less then a year ago. When I say "came to a head" I am referring to infidelity on his part. Shockingly he came right out and told me hours after it happened, originally the plan was to not tell me at all according to him. I struggled with this revelation originally and had to think about what I wanted to do, and "escaped" for about a week to think it over. During which time he was wanting me to come home and saying we can fix this etc. I chose to agree with him and started counseling.... to get to the point a little faster.... During counseling (which I thought was going well) I found out that he was still seeing the woman. We both decided to separate. I left, have been gone now for almost a year. We still communicate and even though I know that I truly want to fix things, he seems to not know what he wants. There are many layers to this whole situation but I don't want to ramble.

Also, According to him he has started working on himself and has been going to counseling and stopped drinking so much. He has shown remorse to me multiple times one of the times being when he stopped seeing the original OW and voiced how sorrowful he is and that he was going to start working on himself etc. Then along came the other OW who it seems has weaseled her way in..... It is very clear that my WH is vulnerable and I think the other OW saw that and etc. Sometimes I feel like theres hope other times I dont. I have been working on myself for sometime now, because as we all know theres always more to a story then when a spouse just cheats (usually anyway). I continue to take care of myself, work out more often to not only reduce stress but help my well being. I just feel so, I dont even know how to put it into words. WH and I have known eachother for almost ten years, we were best friends for many years before we started dating. I dont want to lose my best friend


"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"


Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
scarednbroken
Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Its good that you are taking care of yourself. But it sounds like you are taking part of the blame. You shouldn't be. It's not your fault.

COntinue here and you will get lots of advice. Eat, drink water, read the healing library. It has been an awesome resource for me.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
CantLoseHope
Member
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I'm honestly not necessarily taking part of the blame, I just know that there are things that I need to work on as a person if not only to benefit myself in the long run. I just feel so lost and I dont really know what to do anymore except continue to take care of myself. Is there anyone out there who has gone through something similar?


"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"


Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I am sorry, is he still with the OW?

If after a year he is and is still "on the fence" I would file, but that's me.

You need to put your healing first.

Continue to gain strength and walk down a healthy, emotionally secure place.

If he decides one day to catch up, you have a decison to make. Right now, he is gone and waffling. He has made the decision for you.

Walk towards your new life, don't let his limbo put you into one of your own.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
CantLoseHope
Member
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

As far as I know he still sees the OW. Im really debating on going NC..... because he still turns to me. Either making small talk or voicing that he is having a really bad day or like the other night when he said he doesnt want to feel anything. Usually all of these things go without explanation on his part. I dont know if NC will help or make things worse. Sometimes i feel like we are having a break through other times I feel lost. It's so hard trying to figure out whats right for me, and whats going to help our marraige, etc. Frustrated


"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"


Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

CantLoseHope,
Gently, it sounds like you are closer to a mother to him than a wife. He calls you when his feelings are hurt and goes to the OW when he wants an intimate, adult relationship.

I would go NC. He can't hurt you that way. It sucks at first, but with time, you will feel better. Promise. You're getting off of that emotional roller coaster. He's just stringing you along. He is being selfish and using you for his emotional well being. You've been separated for almost a year, but he still gets his ego kibbles from you when he needs them without giving you the same in return. You are enabling this behavior by allowing it.

You are wasting your life "with" him right now.

FWIW, my best friend wouldn't treat me like you WH is treating you.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
CantLoseHope
Member
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Reality stinks,
i do appreciate the blunt statements you made. now its a matter of actually going through with NC. I will say this though, in his contacting me he has stated several times that he misses, to put it mildly, being "intimate" with me. So much so that at one point he wanted to drive up here to be "intimate" with me, but I told him no. We are around 5 hours apart (different states right now). I am not sure if you have any insight on that as well?
Thank you again
Slowy but surely right?


"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"


Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry. You have been heard. Honestly, I would file and do NC. If he sees this and you are following through, he may wake up or you'll know it's truly done if he doesn't. It sucks that we have to go through this! Truly sucks!!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want...I have no idea

Posts: 1125 | Registered: Dec 2013
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I would suggest reading BS FAQs #11 in the healing library. The 180 will help you detach from him. Why detach? Because his words are saying he doesn't know what he wants.

His actions are showing you he knows. He wants to date. He wants to cake eat. He wants to use you to fill an emotional hole within him just like he's using the OW.

It's time for you to distance from the crazy. He's not remorseful or his actions would be showing you. I know we want to blame the OP, but if your WH really was getting help and working on himself, he would be able to man up and tell any potential OW "go away". It's been a year, that's the least he should be able to do at this point. If only to see that having an OW complicates his life, a person working on themselves doesn't want complications.

Sweetie, he's not your best friend. A best friend doesn't lie, cheat and continue to break your heart. He's his best friend. Please start the 180 so you can get perspective on this.

(((((CLH)))))


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11233 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Welcome, CantLoseHope.

You mentioned that he has shown you remorse - how has he shown it? Your post mentioned that he talks with sorrow (words) but that he still sees the OW (actions). Words are cheap and easy. Remorse is demonstrated over time and through actions. Pay attention to the actions.

I will say this though, in his contacting me he has stated several times that he misses, to put it mildly, being "intimate" with me.
I am not sure if you have any insight on that as well?
Gently, there could be several things in play - cake eating, wanting to keep you on the hook, marking his territory... My thoughts? He wants the privileges of being your husband without any of the responsibilities. It's incredibly disrespectful.

Slowy but surely right?
You've got it. Focus on your self-care. Focus on strengthening yourself. It will serve you well no matter what path you decide upon.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25835 | Registered: Aug 2011
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

We still communicate and even though I know that I truly want to fix things, he seems to not know what he wants. There are many layers to this whole situation

Not knowing what he wants... Right out of the cheaters handbook; fence sitting, cake eating, stringing you along, afraid you will clean him out in D... A disordered person finds the thrill in having two/three women pining for him, especially the taboo aspect of it, and enjoying hurting you. You are HIS WIFE for Gods sake, this means you are to be protected, valued, loved with genuine care... Don't allow this, and absolutely lower the boom, and make the choice for him... Me or her/them, and MEAN it! I'd file D so fast it would drop his jaw; you can't even hope to R if another is around, NO CHANCE AT ALL, even if your heart wants it.

It is very clear that my WH is vulnerable and I think the other OW saw that and etc

No, I see it as a manipulative, lying scumbag who is selfish and hurtful to you BY HIS OWN CHOICE, who could stop it anytime he likes by the same choice. He is not your friend, and all you would loose in my opinion, is a person who is totally disrespecting you, devaluing you, playing with your emotions and heart. Gently here; I'm curious, why do you allow this disrespectful situation to exist? Is it fear, fear of loneliness, fear of failure, security, etc... I hate bullies, and right now you are dealing with an emotional bully, who needs to have the wind taken out of the sails.

Please know what I say may seem harsh, but it is said with kindness, and for seeing the value in you, and wanting to see you not victimized. Best of luck, and hope in what ever way you find peace and out of this soul killing limbo.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I am not sure if you have any insight on that as well?

Gently, there could be several things in play - cake eating, wanting to keep you on the hook, marking his territory... My thoughts? He wants the privileges of being your husband without any of the responsibilities. It's incredibly disrespectful.

I second what NIK said.

If you slept with him, he gets what he wants, and you get hurt again when he leaves.

It seems like every time another woman bats an eye at him, he jumps at it. You don't deserve that.

My opinion, FWIW, is that with that much physical distance between you and a year separation under your belt already, I would move on. You've already started detaching in a sense, NC is really all that's left.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
CantLoseHope
Member
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I truly appreciate everyones responses and in a sense support. SHOCKLEADER, to answer your question "why i allow this disrespect to exist" .... I probably don't know the real answer otherwise I think I would have stopped it by now. But I don't feel like I'm afraid of being alone, after all I have lived without him for almost a year now. I guess my reluctance comes from the heart.... I do truly love him with all my heart and I married for better or worse, etc. To be honest I am just as dumbfounded as you are as to why I keep holding on. Everytime I think I know the answer I question it. In having continued to work on myself, again if not for my benefit alone, it has opened my eyes to ability to forgive what has happened IF he is presenting himself for forgiveness. I feel like we could work through anything, but as you have said if the OW is still in his life there is NO WAY. I wish I knew what is stopping me from D. One thing I know is that the permanence of it means its really over....


"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"


Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 13