Just Found Out
User Topic: I Promise
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

It gets better-

Almost a year ago, I was dealing with all the crazy emotions post DDay. I lost tons of weight, continually crying, the affair on my mind 24/7, obsessed and crazed, not sleeping. I was fortunate to find SI and read.... I READ- hours upon hours, reading how many of us this has happened to. I listened to the elders of SI, implementing 180 and filing for CS, hoping it would snap my then WH out his fog. It didn't work and I spend another 5 months in limbo until I finally decided to file for divorce.

A year ago, I thought my life was over, family destroyed, dreams crushed. I didn't believe I would ever heal from the intense pain and horrible agony. I didn't believe anyone when they told me I would be fine.
The state I am in grants divorces if they are uncontested after 90 days of filing. XWH didn't have money to pay an attorney to fight me and luckily for him, I was a fair person- I walked away from the marriage as simply as I could. I closed joint accounts, took him off my car insurance and moved on. 5 years, a son and during our "honeymoon" phase, meant nothing. He left it all for a fantasy.

I promise you- it gets better. The only way to save your marriage is to risk losing it. Detach, save yourself, then throw out a life line to your cheater if they show they deserve it. Don't be afraid to leave them- they ALREADY LEFT YOU by cheating.

In just a short year, I am doing 10x better than my XWH. I detached, developed goals for myself, HEALED and now I am able to move forward in my life. I finally came to terms that if he wanted to give up his wife, a woman who loved and did anything for him, his son, and his money (because he is now paying child support) for a fantasy, then I deserved better and I am going to find better.

The waywards are the ones who lose in the end--- it may not seem like it because they are in love with their affair partner and etc., ready to give up everything for the AP. But think about it like this- all relationships have problems. When things are great, everyone is happy. Having sex like rabbits, no cares in the world, in luuurvvveee (as we say around here). But that isn't sustainable. All good things come to an end. The shine wears off and reality hits HARD.
You will come out better if you detach, 180, and leave someone who doesn't take responsibility for their actions.

The best punishment is to give someone exactly what they want... and not be there when it all falls apart.

*Hugs to all who needs them*

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 10:23 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Gosh, what a GREAT post. I know that most newbies are terrified that anything they do will push their WS further away, and maybe it will. But as you so elegantly stated, if it does, then they are not worth your time.

So happy you are finding peace and joy in your life again. You are so right about those affairs and their unreasonable expectations. The "shine does indeed wear off." Hugs to you in your new life.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Thank you.

BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Amazing post! Thank you, I needed this today!

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
New Member
Member # 42115
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Great post movingforward13! I 2nd that...It definitely gets better. I was once in the mind set it never would. 5 years later? I ask myself how could I ever have cried over him the jerk didn't give a crap about me or our little family. AP can have the POS. Im not angry anymore just honest. If he were the last man on this earth? no sympathy from me.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2014
New Member
Member # 42358
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Thank you for this inspiration. So valuable to those of us just finding out. I have noticed that the 'elder BSs' around here seem like deep people, who have become wise from their trouble and have deep understanding of love from what they have been through. Like a broken bone that is stronger after the break than before. You rock.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: forwardfromhere
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Heh, glad it all turned out so shitty for the cheater.

Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
New Member
Member # 42340
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Thank you for posting this, it gives me some light for my future.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Tucson
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I also want to thank you for this post, I am a newbee to this site and am currently struggling with the fact that my mind is even considering NC. I have read many responses to my posts letting me know that I need to start the "180" and after reading it I couldn't agree more. BUT it is the most terrifying thing to me because as others have said, I dont want to push my H away. But the more responses I read from people the more I realize that there probably isn't any hope for us anymore. As much as it hurts to say.

"A tree falls the way it careful which way you lean"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Poignant. Thank you

25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2200 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Thanks. I need this today

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)


Thanks for this post

I'm nearly 8 months from dday and In R, but your post sent shivers down my spine.

We all feel so lost in the beginning, your post shows that you can make it through. You should be really proud of yourself!

Thank you.

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

thank you!!

me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Thank you for this. I desperately needed this today

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

These un remorseful cheaters are already gone...
It is so hard for us to come to terms with the fact that they may not have been with us( mind and soul) to begin with..

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 9952
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

This is SO TRUE! Thanks for the inspiration. I'm long divorced from my ExWH and just as you said, from the moment we divorced, my life got better and better over time, and he sank into financial destitution, bankruptcy, worsening health issues, his married OW refused to leave her husband (who was her meal ticket), so she was a "cake-eater" for the next 13 years, continuing her affair with ExWH and living with her BS. She turned out to be a controlling witch who wouldn't allow him to be in contact with his adult children, so he was reduced to speaking to them in the middle of the night when she was home with her husband. She monitored his emails, his snail-mail, made every decision for his life, dictated to him. I heard he was terrified of her. He gave up everything for her and died alone, 900 miles away from any of his family. She wouldn't even give his doctor the phone numbers of his sons, on his death bed, so they could be notified. (His doc told my son this after the fact, apologized to him for not being able to reach his family members.)

I move on to a new life, built a beautiful new home, new job, remarried, put my finances back on track. When you get rid of the dysfunctional person who's dragging you down, your life does get better.

Me (BS)Divorced from WS. He was diagnosed NPD by two Psychologists. He continued his affair with married OW for 13 years until he died in Oct 2011.

Two sons; 29 & 27 years old; I'm remarried

Posts: 366 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Michigan
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Moving - that was an excellent post.
Thank you for stepping forward and reminding the newbies that no matter how this evolves it is an opportunity to become better, stronger, and happier.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8713 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

If there was one thing i wish I could pour into a newbie's head, it would be this.

Thanks for posting.

And for the record, it can happen regardless of your path (as I am on a different one).

Hugs to all.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Another one to say thanks

I truly feel if he wants the AP, he can have her. Truth is, she doesn't want him. And he says he doesn't want her. It was supposed to be just sex, etc.
Bottom line.. I can look at myself in mirror each day. I can hold up my head and feel proud of what I am. I am faithful. I have morals. I'm a great role model AND I don't need anyone.
He wants to R. I'm taking it one day at a time. He can stay today. Idk about tomorrow.

Again, thank u

Posts: 354 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

I am glad this is helping folks out.

I remember reading the same type of thread a year ago and rolling my eyes in disbelief. I thought my pain would never end, I was ready to die in it.

This all takes time (whether you are reconciling or not) but a year from now, the pain won't be as intense. You will regain weight, sleep more, be able to think of your WS less and you will get on with life. And you will be better if you make the right choices.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Just wanted to bump this post...its beautifully written in my opinion and I think its a great read for all who are new here....

thanks again movingforward13!

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 21