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Reconciliation
User Topic: He took my special away
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Helpless  Posted: 3:00 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

I use to feel special with my husband. There were sides to him that he only shared with me. He only trusted me. There were things that he'd only let me get away with. Rules he'd only break for me. I was his weak spot. Money was no object. He always made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the room. He had my best interest at heart. He would never give another woman a second glance when he was out with me. I was the one he wanted to tell everything to first. He couldn't stay mad at me. Then came the OW. He shared that side of himself with her. He broke rules for her. He trusted her....And for no reason. I had to earn his trust. He just gave it to her. She got away with things. He couldn't stay mad at her. My best interest did not matter any more. When he wanted to share something good, he shared it with her too. He liked to make her laugh. He also liked to give her money.

Whenever I tell him that he took my special away he gets so mad at me. Out of all the things I've said, this bothers him the most. He starts getting all upset and repeats "I don't make you feel special?" I'm like "yes, that's what I said". I feel silly for thinking like this but at the same time it hurts because he took my special and gave it to her. He tells me to take it back then. It's not the same. It's tainted. It lost it's value....it's just gone. It bothers me that it makes him so mad to hear that he can't even show any compassion towards my feelings. Why would this make him so angry to hear? Is it guilt or denial or does he think it's all bs. He brings it up every time we fight.


Posts: 716 | Registered: Jul 2013
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Its his job to rebuild that but it sounds to me like he is frustrated that you cannot move past it [like he has?]

I am getting a bit of this as well at the moment. And I feel the same, he should consider my feelings. But as there are two people maybe he is asking you to consider his. This is the tricky bit for me.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2013
daisychains
Member
Member # 37997
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

I don't think he's bringing it up because he thinks it's bs, you pricked a nerve and he gets angry because he recognises the truth of your words.

He tells you to take the special back - you can't - it's up to him to make you feel special again - same as he has to make you feel safe again.

I nodded while reading your post - they take so much more than they realise.


LTA 3.5 years

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: uk
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Yes, I feel the same way as you. I thought what we had was special, but I guess it was only special in my head.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 466 | Registered: Apr 2012
RipsInMyChest
Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Sounds like he is frustrated at this fact. He's wondering how he can ever repair that and in his mind, it must seem permanent. I have told my H similar things and he gets so hopeless. I sooth this by letting him know that I have no idea how I will feel a few years from now. He may change my mind and make me believe we are special again.

((((Scubachick))))


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Oct 2013
deadroses
New Member
Member # 40710
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

I feel exactly the same way.....after fifteen years of thinking what we had was special and awesome.....it is now not so much....makes me really sad and although I love him and going to stay in my marriage...I will never get that back.Hugs to you scuba


WH....him

BS....me

two month affair with a supposed friend....more like a filthy whore

R.....it's going well (so far)


Posts: 32 | Registered: Sep 2013
olive01052014
New Member
Member # 42376
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

I feel exactly the same way. Nothing feels like it is"ours" anymore. We also had what everyone thought was a fairytail relationship. We had been through hard times when he had an encounter when our son was born in 03, but we thought we were back on track. After all those years I finally felt "healed" over the past couple of years. Now it has happened again and I don't know if anything will ever be special again. I am so sorry for your loss.

[This message edited by olive01052014 at 10:35 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]


BS (me) 41
WS 38
Together since 10/1997
Married 6/2002
Dday #1 01/2003
Dday #2 01/05/2014

Posts: 4 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
SorrowBhindSmile
Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

ohhh yes, how i can understand and relate to your feelings. DO NOT feel silly for that. You feel that way because its true...thats what he did. I said the exact same words to my WH.

Your WH says that bothers him the most.....AS IT SHOULD....because he DID take that away....JMO, he knows that and is having difficulty accepting that his actions caused that. He knows what he did, he knows you speak the truth and, well, truth hurts. Man up.

He tells me to take it back then.

HE needs to SHOW YOU thru concrete, consistent ACTIONS that he can be trusted, that he WANTS to make you feel special again and he WANTS to give that back to you. You cant just simply "take it back" it doesn't work that way. And if he thinks its that easy....well, then he is dense, clueless and has a LOT of work to do on himself. When he gets angry and does not show compassion for you....that simply reinforces your feelings of not being special. He can SAY you are special all he wants...but unless there are actions to back it up, words are meaningless.

Getting that special back takes time...and its all part of the healing process. I am 13 months out, my WH is the model of remorse, and i still struggle with that special feelings. its a long, difficult road. hugs to you


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

I sooth this by letting him know that I have no idea how I will feel a few years from now. He may change my mind and make me believe we are special again.


That's a great point! I should tell him that too. Thank you!!

Posts: 716 | Registered: Jul 2013
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

When he gets angry and does not show compassion for you....that simply reinforces your feelings of not being special. He can SAY you are special all he wants...but unless there are actions to back it up, words are meaningless

He has so much work to do on himself but what you said is so true...it just reinforces those feelings. I don 't know why he doesn't get that. He says it's because he didn't see her the way I think he saw her or feel anything for her. That doesn't help...it makes it worse because that means he took all of that from me and gave it to someone that meant nothing to him.


Posts: 716 | Registered: Jul 2013
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

He gets angry because he knows you are right, but he doesn't know what to do about it. He is probably angry at himself for causing you to feel this way. Why do WH's have such a hard time remembering that this is about the BW and her feelings? He has done this to you and he needs to fix it. You do not need to "take it back" he needs to "re-establish it". His actions, not yours.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1334 | Registered: Aug 2010
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, February 6th (Thursday)


..(((((((Scubachick))))))))

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Your WH says that bothers him the most.....AS IT SHOULD....because he DID take that away....JMO, he knows that and is having difficulty accepting that his actions caused that. He knows what he did, he knows you speak the truth and, well, truth hurts. Man up.

Amen!

(((scubachick)))

The truth does hurt. He in turn is turning the hurt onto you. That is NOT fair. I'm so sorry.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: May 2007
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

I used to feel proud. Of my life. Of my marriage. Of my wife.

I used to brag to friends about her. To my doctor I would say that I never had to worry about STD or any of that. I was proud that our M had lasted while so many others fail. I was proud of myself for earning my good life when I came from a dysfunctional family and poverty.

Yeh. All that died after Dday.

Now. After many years I am slowly starting to be proud of myself again. My M and my WW. Not so much.

This s**t is not easy.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

I get it. It hurts and sucks.
I don't think he's bringing it up because he thinks it's bs, you pricked a nerve and he gets angry because he recognizes the truth of your words.
^^ That, is the truth!
My H is at the stage of feeling things that are new to him but that I felt (and thought he felt) all along. It's another struggle. He said, in a very intimate and loving way, that the exclusiveness we share is so special to him. Ummm... That was always special to me! It hurts that he sees it now but didn't for the first million years of our marriage!

[This message edited by Morhurt at 3:39 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 951 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 15