User Topic: I have been upgraded from hurdle to springboard.
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

While I consider FWW and I reconciled from her multiple As, there is always work to be done.

Recently she explained an epiphany she had after a MC session, church sermon, and spiritual class last week all spoke to her on the topic of my role in her life. For nearly all of the M she says that she has viewed me as a barrier or hurdle to what she wanted. If something did not work out or we did not/could not get an impulse item she wanted, it was my fault. I was very low in importance, and her focus was on how to avoid me in order to get or do what she wanted. Even in the time after dday during our R she spent time with me and met my needs and wants more from a sense of it being the right thing to do rather than experiencing it as a way to bond and support our M.

Now, she says she can see how wrong she has been. That rather than a hurdle I have been a springboard in her life facilitating the things she wanted and needed. From helping to care for her DDs, to her masterís degree, to travel to visit family, I have found ways to accomplish all of her needs and most all of her wants. I have provided financial, emotional, and time resources that she has been able to use to help accomplish what she wanted. She also realizes now that I did many of these things in the face of not being treated well by her.

I hope that I am able to get her to believe that she too has been a springboard for me, and important part of my success in life. R, like M is more about the journey than the destination.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

That is very good ats. I hope that more than an epiphany it was an emotional awakening for her as well and she can return the love you demonstrated in doing all of that.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Great insight, but oh, so long in coming.... I don't know whether to be happy or sad. OTOH, it bodes well for your future, and that's great!

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:02 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Wow that sounds wonderful. I wish I knew what it was that created that insight for her! My WH sounds very similar. I'm hoping his counseling has the same effect.

Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 194 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

What an extremely cool insight!

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Super anecdote. Just chatted with my wife about it. Thanks!

ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, February 7th (Friday)

Great insight, but oh, so long in coming....

Speed to healing has never been her strong suit post dday. I have been very frustrated at times, and complained often that she was a day late and a dollar short in owning her A-crap, ending TT, fixing her stuff, and being open to loving me with emotional and physical intimacy. Still, she has made tortoise-like slow and steady progress, and the changes and new perceptions she implements she tends to sustain.

I wish I knew what it was that created that insight for her!

Primarily our IC/MC, he is very skilled and experienced. As much as FWW finds the sessions with him uncomfortable, she has made good progress with him. In a recent session he had suggested that she still had a boundary or wall up against me. While she disagreed with this statement, she began thinking about it as she has learned his assessments are usually correct and not to dismiss them out of hand. Later in the next week or two a church sermon and a spiritual training both talked about being open and valuing the help in your life. This all came together to create clarity for her. I am seeing the change now, and will watch to see that it is sustained.

FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 7