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User Topic: Poofer resurfaces
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

The backstory is that I slept with this guy for a year. Looking back, it was apparently nothing more than a fuckbuddy situation.

He rolled out of my bed on December 14th, gave me a kiss, and went to work. I have heard nothing from him since, even though I texted him a few times.

Last night, at midnight, I received the following text:

I apologize for shutting you out. Holidays and birthday are too much. I should have mentioned but I did not. Also please find it to forgive me - I didn't want to but couldn't get it together.

Is this text a poor try for booty?


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Sounds like a 12-Step Program apology to me.

NEXT! (right after crickets)


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21071 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Imo yes


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1670 | Registered: Mar 2004
lostandhopless
Member
Member # 41568
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Yep, You might want to borrow some "Super cricket powers".


Be careful who you trust. Even your shadow will abandon you when it's dark.....

Divorced 6/13/14


Posts: 118 | Registered: Dec 2013
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Crickets or

Sorry, who is this?


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 615 | Registered: Mar 2003
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

Wow.

Yeah crickets. Ignoring someone is the most cutting thing you can do.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Sparkles
Member
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, February 6th (Thursday)

I guess its nice that he apologized, but... it doesn't sound/feel sincere to me. It's all about him, baby! Maybe AJsmom is correct? Or its a poor try for booty.


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: NW
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

I don't know how I would take that. I guess I would at least be glad he apologized. I would have been so unbelievable hurt by his diappearance that I don't know that, if he is even sincere, I could accept his apology. I think the damage would be done. I mean, a YEAR together. I know you said this in my poofer post, but really, WHO DOES THAT??


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

I don't think its a 12 step thing. He is a diabetic, so he doesn't drink.

However, he is a counselor IRL, so he knows the correct process for doing the right thing to people that you've wronged.

I still vote for late night booty.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

NEXT!!! I don't think so dude!!! This booty ain't for sale!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

At that time and out of the blue, it most likely was an attempt for some booty or sexy times talk.

I think if you enjoyed the booty and are able to take the situation as that, then why not.

If you are likely to get attached, then I'd avoid because he seems to have some issues and proceed with caution flags. He's already shown you some things by his behavior so be protective of your emotions.

You're driving the bus on this one. Once you decide what you want, let him know it's your rules.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 411 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

OK..I'm in the minority here…

But, I would probably tell him how you feel, "Your behavior hurt me" and see how he responds. I don't mind giving a second chance to someone who is trying to figure their shit out…but with the caveat that I'm on "full alert" to see if the behavior has actually changed.

I've not been perfect when trying to date either… just food for thought. Do what feels right for you.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

I would give him back exactly what he gave you for the last couple of months... Fair is fair.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17530 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

It's been almost 8 weeks. What I really want to do is sleep with him and THEN punch him in the nuts.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

What I really want to do is sleep with him and THEN punch him in the nuts.

LMAO!!!

You would be within your rights to do so! lol


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2601 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Do you like him?


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

I liked him a lot. His poofing hurt me.

I don't want to set myself up to get hurt again, but I can't shield my heart forever.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

A text at midnight?
Smacks of booty call to me.

NEXT!!! (And crickets...after you nut punch him).


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6533 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Two thoughts here:
1. The apology was not poetic but it is an apology. I have done some things in my life I needed to apologize for later - not to clear my conscience but because it's the right thing to do. There are some people that owe me some big fat apologies that I will never get. So I think it's ok that he did.
2. The timing made me laugh - my first thought was not booty call but...ambien. Did he ever take sleeping pills that you know of? Maybe he was just sleepless and wanted to set things right.
I think whatever suits your own head and heart here is right. If you want to ignore, or tell him straight up how hurtful it was, or throw one to yourself for the road and then poof yourself, these are all viable options.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Sounds like to me he was dealing with someone else and it didn't work out... 8 weeks is a good amount of time for infatuation to break apart. Please don't believe he was alone----

As the saying goes, "Please believe that when your side of the conversation is getting shorter, it is getting longer for someone else."

If I were you, I would crickets.... He doesn't deserve your time--- you don't deserve his shit.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

IMHO you should take a chance and ring his bell a few times. What have you got to lose?

Let's face it - life is a series of many risks.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Triple trouble- it's not ambien. It's getting home after a 3-11 shift. We used to talk a lot at that time, on his way home from work.

He texted me this afternoon with " I'm at work. Let's talk later."

Ugh.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

I'm with nutmegkitty (it's an apology so I'd take it) BUT like nutmegkitty I'm also from and NPD relationship so we are both probably used to being grateful for any crumbs.

"Please believe that when your side of the conversation is getting shorter, it is getting longer for someone else."

Love this! it's so true

I'd hear him out... but keep in mind that there was someone else he opted for instead of you during those 2 months that most likely didn't work out... so he's back to seeing if you are available. Do you want to be?

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 9:49 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2012
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

It's getting home after a 3-11 shift. We used to talk a lot at that time, on his way home from work.

This changes my answer only slightly.
It may NOT have been a booty call, but I would still give him crickets.
As a previous poster said, he was probably seeing someone else for the last couple of months.
Now he's looking for a soft spot to land.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6533 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

I'm kind of surprised by how many people in NB are willing to (or at least advocate that others) settle for so little.

There is no excuse for poofing in a circumstance like this. It's not like it happened after a first date. And if he poofed because he needs to get his shit together, it's not been enough time for him to do so.

Someone who would do this is not emotionally mature or available -- there is no excuse for this.

WM is awesome and can do so much better.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3406 | Registered: Dec 2011
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

I''m with phmh & agree with her exactly.

Just how good of a lay was this guy??? So good he can''t be replaced? So good that you don''t care that he probably will do it again?

Even if his excuse (shudder an excuse!!!) is the shit hit the fan, just how hard is it to text a woman you''re sleeping with regularly "the shit just hit the fan, I''m going to disappear for awhile, take care".

I want better for you. Even from a friend with benefits.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

hearing phmh * cayc made me rethink: True those of use who suffered through A are so willing to settle for so little.

My new philosophy: if he doesn't treat me they way I'd treat him" next!

Would you have poofed on him? Of not, he is not a match: NEXT!


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2012
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I don't poof on anybody. Ever. I believe that shows a lack of character.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I understand what everyone is saying. WM does deserve a really good relationship, no doubt. But, what I am saying is that not every single person handles everything perfect every time. There is always room for…"maybe"…

I know my first SO post D was not a healthy relationship. I made mistakes, and one of those was poofing for about 4 or 5 days just before I ended it with him the first time (granted, by this point the relationship was toxic). I just couldn't bring myself to talk to him. I was hurting and I withdrew.

I also did a small poof on the last guy that I agreed to go on a date with. I knew I wanted to end it, but he was nice. I began to dread the texts from him, so one night I just didn't respond. The next morning I apologized and told him that I just wasn't feeling it for him and it was time to move on.

Were either of this lack of character on my part? Or was it withdrawing so I could figure out how I felt? To ME, it felt like withdrawing and examining. To them, it may have looked like a poof.

Now, after doing a ton of introspection and more dating experience, I wouldn't poof on someone for 5 days without telling them, "Hey. I need some time to think…"

So, I'm just saying we may not have the entire story, people and emotions are complicated and if WM wants to give him a shot…then she sees something. Now, if he does it again, I'll be the first to say, "Kick his ass to the curb!!!"


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I'm kind of surprised by how many people in NB are willing to (or at least advocate that others) settle for so little.

I don't consider advising her to hear him out to be settling. Doing so would be getting an answer/closure at the very least. In her own words she liked him a lot.

And for the record, I am not one to settle, ever. I had my fiancé of 14 months "poof" on me last August. I do get it. No apology from her will suffice.

She likes the guy - she should do what feels right to her. Yeah, his text/apology was most likely a booty call.


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 11:42 AM, February 7th (Friday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, February 7th (Friday)

Ok, so last night.... I did respond to him. We had a brief conversation where he again apologized and thanked me for responding.

Booty was not offered or asked for, and we ended the conversation on a good note. He took total responsibility for poofing, and said that I did nothing to warrant his treatment/behavior.

I feel better. I'm not always a huge proponent of the need for closure, but it was nice to at least get an apology.

Thanks for the counseling. It's tough when we question our awesomeness.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7769 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Don't you dare!! You must never question your awesomeness. You're one of my favorite people, and I have exceptionally good taste.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
IWantDoOver
Member
Member # 39440
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

I'm glad you feel better after your brief conversation!!

Holidays and birthday are too much.

So he disappeared 11 days before Christmas, and reappears 8 days before Valentine's Day?

I would've ignored the booty call.


Peace

Posts: 212 | Registered: Jun 2013
healingtree
Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

(((Williesmom))) I am glad you are feeling better.

My immediate thoughts were that he had kids, X, whatever that he needed to go see during that period of time. Or he was dealing with the absence of them. Feeling drawn back to the past can make it hard to stay in the present.

Past pain sucks. So does poofing.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8345 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Were either of this lack of character on my part? Or was it withdrawing so I could figure out how I felt? To ME, it felt like withdrawing and examining. To them, it may have looked like a poof.

First time I've been able to be back to SI since I posted.

cmego - the situations you were in are entirely different, and, IMO, show character because you quickly figured out the right thing to do, despite the fact that you were hurting. (And, if I recall correctly, after the SO incident, you took some time off of dating?)

Differences: you hadn't been seeing each other all that long, and, within a week, you contacted the guy to explain your disappearance and end things.

In this case, the guy had been sleeping with WM for over a year, and then he leaves her bed and goes MIA for over a month. He ignores her texts -- how easy is it to respond "I need time" or something similar, instead of just disappearing? There is no excuse. And the contact for an apology seems to me like a cheap way to make himself feel better while possibly grooming WM to think "he apologized so he's not such a bad guy" and take him back, where a similar scene is likely to be played out again. Or even just leading her to doubt herself ("maybe I should ask him if he'd like to do something again because he apologized!")

I do think that his behavior demonstrates a lack of character -- and possibly an avoidant or passive-aggressive personality. I hope he takes some time off of relationships to work on himself and maybe someday he can be a good partner.

I know that no one is perfect, but I do believe there are actions people take (poofing, hanging up the phone during a conversation, for example) that indicate they are a bad bet. Emotionally immature, even if temporarily. Perhaps it's some sort of personality defect or perhaps it's just that they're not healed and will make a good partner someday if they work on themselves. Personally, I'm not looking for a project.

WM - I'm glad you're pleased with the way things turned out. I've never met you in real life, but you're also one of my favorites here, and I'm rooting for you to find someone who's as amazing as you deserve!!!

I understand that people are willing to tolerate different things w/r/t the behavior of their SOs, which is why it's great we have this forum to post our experiences and find others' opinions to reach a conclusion that works for us. I know I am likely on the extreme end of expecting good behavior from an emotionally available adult. I also realize that I may be alone the rest of my life because I will no longer tolerate bad behavior or excuse it away.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3406 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 35