Wayward Side
User Topic: Private Investigator
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Because a hard day just isn't hard enough on its own...

My afternoon came to a complete and grinding halt. I was called by a PI hired by one of the OMBS' to discover if I had told her the truth. I wrote a confession letter, apologizing, and giving her information to investigate her WS if she chose to look into it. I have a new number, have changed all of my generally known contact information, took out a P.O. Box for professional purposes (giving BH a copy of the key).

It scared the crap out of me. Of course, I also felt humiliated, ashamed, and terribly sad. I offered to give the investigator transcripts of my conversations (refused), my husband's contact information (refused), anything I could. It surprised him, and he thanked me for my cooperation. I ended up describing what I can remember of the house, the layout inside, the furniture. What I remembered most is how starkly decorated the house is/was. Where was she while I was there? I did not know, but I could tell him it was short because OM had to pick up his kids (not their kids, his). Were there animals? The dog was in the backyard, but I knew it was the dog he had just picked up in Texas a week or two before. I described the vehicles at the house, how I got there etc.

The investigator kept telling me that OMBS was not angry with me. All I could think was that she should be. In fact, I burst into tears and told him that she should be angry with me, that what I did to her was terrible. I told him she didn't deserve it, and cried some more. I could hear the concern in his voice, and it made me feel even worse. She should be angry with me, right? I'm the dreaded OW.

At the end of the conversation the PI thanked me for being cooperative. He said normally people are not so forthcoming. I told him I was really sorry, and wished I could undo it. Then hung up, bawled, and let BH know that I had just spoken to a PI. I climbed back into bed and contemplated the merits of a meteor falling on me.

So, I now know that three of them are absolutely aware. God this sucks. I wish like hell I could go back in time and not do any of it to begin with.

Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 486 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

She should be angry with me, right? I''m the dreaded OW.
Except you did something I have rarely...and I mean very rarely...heard of an OW apologized and expressed remorse.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4071 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, February 7th (Friday)

My take on this is that OM is a manipulator and his BS is seeing the light, but needed to confirm. That is why she is not angry with you. Anger at the OP is totally appropriate in the early stages, IMO, so if she isn't angry, there is more at play here.

You did a really good thing in being forthcoming. I'm sorry that it was so emotionally draining for you, but I hope you will get some solace from the fact that you have probably helped this woman make sense of what happened.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, February 7th (Friday)

She should be angry with me, right? I'm the dreaded OW.
Except you did something I have rarely...and I mean very rarely...heard of an OW apologized and expressed remorse.

It would have meant so much to me if OW had apologized and expressed remorse. It would have made all the difference in the world.

Kudos to you for all of the hard work you are doing. I am so sorry for the pain you are in.
Sending you strength.


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1443 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, February 7th (Friday)

you mean people can do that?
OW in my cases would file harassment charges.
thank you for being open and honest about this.

OTOH - my AP's wife called me with a list of questions and I just answered as she wrote.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5470 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I never come on this forum anymore. I hit the wrong tab.
Wayflost, if Shrek showed even an ounce of remorse, I would probably feel sorry for her instead of disgusted.
You "got it", and realize what you did was damaging. I think most BSs could have a measure of peace if they at least got that validation that the OW or OM was sorry for what they did and was actively taking measures not to engage with their WH/WW.
I wish more OW/OM would do the right thing after the A.
The only thing you can do is continue to fix yourself. I wish you strength in your journey of healing whatever it was that lead you to have an A in the first place.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 11:57 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2481 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, February 7th (Friday)


I think most BSs could have a measure of peace if they at least got that validation that the OW or OM was sorry for what they did and was actively taking measures not to engage with their WH/WW.

^^^I think that this is so true. It took strength for you to speak openly with the PI and express remorse that will be passed on to the OM's BS.

You didn't avoid the PI and you didn't lie to the PI. That really is huge thing and I hope that you can give yourself credit for that.

Sending strength to you.

ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 200 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, February 7th (Friday)

I wasn't mad at OW either. I knew WH was messed up and how charming and manipulative he could be. I just needed to know the truth. But, I never got anything but lies and secrets from either of them so then I did get mad. I never had any desire to hurt her until then. Then I wanted to hurt her as much to hurt WH as to hurt her, because they conspired to protect her identity and all of the facts. I agree with cdnmommy, you did a really good thing. It would be so much easier to accept what happen if I knew the truth. Not that you shouldn't feel bad about the A but you should feel good at giving this woman what she asked for, what she needed to be able to make informed decisions. And you did it on her terms, when she was ready, in the way she felt safest. good job. Showing remorse and making amends is all you can do to help all involved to move forward.

Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Waylost, you handled yourself very well and have shown by your actions that you now get it. To be honest, my jaw dropped a bit when I read the OMBS hired a PI. Not because she doesn't deserve the truth, she does. That must have been really frightening and sobering.

I really think this shows the importance of coming forward as the OW/OM and making contact with the BS/BSO as you did. You have told the truth and are not hiding anything now, that must feel good.

Wish I had received the call and cooperation as you have demonstrated. Reality did hit you hard today, it's going to get better as long as you are honest and truthful with BS.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Thank you all. I'm still not sure what to make of it. My BH pointed out that there is a good chance that the conversation was recorded (one party consent in our state). I hope it was so that she can hear my voice crack, so she can hear me tell the PI I think she should be mad at me. I hope she hears the sadness, and the remorse I feel for being one of the people who put her in this terrible situation.

Today I felt much freer than I did yesterday. I had to process the shame and guilt. I cried, I posted, and tonight I can say I've moved past it. I think about her more than I do OM. I have no respect for him, and the PI gave me that gift. I see in him all of the qualities that contribute to any WS. The arrogance, the lies, the selfishness, and the coldness.

What I did to my BH is pure cruelty. I'm trying to put it right. This OM, this bastard, still has his head firmly up his ass. I hope that his BS is strong, and I hope that I gave her a hand in her road to recovery. It was terrifying, but it was the right thing to do.

Thank you all for reminding me that I can put good Karma out there into the world.

Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 486 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 10