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User Topic: It happened to me as well!!!!
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Sad  Posted: 10:22 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Well, something I would have never predicted but nonetheless, it happened this past Sunday...D-
day. After 20 years of being together, my wife has finally admitted to an affair. Words can not express my feeling after hearing this - I'm torn to pieces and am just seeking an escape at this moment - looking for anything to ease the pain because it really hurts! I've felt pain before but not like this and it's not going away fast enough! I just can't bear the mix bag of emotions at this point.

Just to fill in the gaps here...she was working for a home renovation company and was always
close with one of her co-workers whom she insisted was a friend. I never paid close attention to this and accepted her word. However, everytime I was away on business he would call her and they would talk for a very long time. I confronted her about this and she mentions that he has a lot of problems and relies on her for answers and as a sounding board and nothing more. It seemed that this was the biggest arguments we would have at the time and with each instance, I felt I was only pushing her away. Not wanting her to resent me, I did bring it up but more casually and
eventually the calls seized. In 2011, on a weekend getaway together, her phone would not stop alerting on instant message (BBM) from this friend telling her he loves her. She was in the
shower at this time but I happened to see this and subsequently confronted her. She denied
anything was happening between them. I took the phone and responded to him pretending I was her
just to see what he would say in return - he went on about loving and caring for her but didn't get too specific and offered nothing else. I was so irate - I asked her to come clean and she said he was just drunk and they were only friends. I brought up all the other times he has called and even asked her what she really wanted here and she insisted her marriage. We agreed to have her email a letter to him telling him to stop communicating with her and she did; in this letter, she also made him aware that I saw the BBM and was copied on the email. When asked, she swears to have never heard back from him since, but in my gut I still suspected something was going on. In 2012, I found an unknown baseball cap in her closet - after asking her about it, she mentioned this indeed this friend but it was given to her long ago when she and him worked together and he gave it to her to wear because it was raining and she did not have an umbrella. I probed, and probed and she stood by this reason. Not trusting her fully, I since started to screen her personal emails and personal mobile. Everytime I checked, everything came up clean and while this provided some reassurance, I was still not 100% convinced.

Last Thursday, when she was working from home, curiosity got the better of me and I had a chance to take a peek at her work email only to discover a bunch of emails to/from him with the most recent dated back in April 2013 stating she wanted to end their "friends with benefits" relationship. My heart dropped! I took a deep breath and then confronted her about this and she admitted to seeing him but mentioned they only kissed and nothing else. I asked her for a full confession and she said that was it and she was being 100% honest. She also agreed that she wanted to end their friendship and that's why she sent the email to him and she agreed that she was going to block his contact information from her work phone and work email. I stewed with this back and forth for 3 days, and on Sunday night (Super Bowl night), I asked for her work laptop to help block his emails. After a bit of searching, I found other suspicious email dating back in 2011 after the BBM incident. I immediatedly asked her to explain - she then dropped the bomb - she was sleeping with him from 2009 - 2012. My heart sank and as you can imagine, I became enraged, devastated, heartbroken, humiliated and the list of all negative emotions went on. I started
probing for answers and the truth. I probed into every detail of the affair, from their sexual encounters - what she did and what he did, to the emotional betrayal. I asked why she didn't come out and say it when I asked her on Thursday and even umteen times before - she mentioned she didn't know how to say this to me and she was scared. I contacted her mother and brother and asked them to come over to our place, and asked her to tell them - they were in as much shock as I was. In front of them, she broke down and admitted to everything. They were in total disbelief! They grilled her and asked what she really wants at this point - she mentioned she wants her marriage to work and is done with the OM - and stated that is the reason why she sent that email to him in the first place. Devastated and not knowing how to deal with the pain, I looked online for any help I could get and thankfully discovered this forum. After reading a few postings, I read about the NC letter for the first time. After learing about the NC, in one of my teary eyed interrogation sessions with her, I asked her to research this so she understands what it's about - she did. After learning about it, she agreed to write one and she did. I asked her to include all details and she did. I asked her to not leave anything out and she did. I asked her to ensure she understands what she is saying and that she means every word of it and she admits she does. I asked her what's the difference between this one and the one back in 2011, and she mentions the difference is she didn't know how to address the situation with me back then, so it just went on but this time, she is over the OM and this time she means it. She went as far as to say she'll do anything to regain my trust and to show me she means it. We will be sending the NC, certified mail to the OM in the next day or two. To reassure me, since she has exclusively used her work phone and email for communication with the OM, she has contacted her local IT support to ensure that all phone calls and emails from the OM is blocked and she also agreed to not reach out to him.

She has never seen me break down and cry in 20 years of being together until the last 6 days. We have no kids and D is certainly an option, but I'm not at a stage where I can not easily give up on 20 years of being together, let alone regain all that we built together. During my
interrogating session on Sunday night after she came clean, she swears that he used protection
each time and after I drilled her for all the details, she is 100% sure that he used protection. We have also both had annual blood work since their last encounter as part of our physical check up and it has come back clean. All her tests from her gyn in the last year has also come back the same.

I'm not sure what to think at this moment, and tbh, the pain is truly unbearable. I just don't
know how to cope at this point - during the last 20 years, I gave everything I have to her and
now I am completely drained and without strenth. I have barely slept and eaten in the last 6 days and am soooo consumed with feelings of betrayal and devastation; again the pain is
unbearable. I can't even focus at work - I left my office early the last 3 days just to come
home to a dark room and cry myself silly. She hears me crying each time and comes and hugs me
and tells me she is sorry, but somehow, it just doesn't make me feel any better. I don't push
her away but I don't embrace her either. I miss my life partner and want to feel the way I did
before finding out. I don't regret finding out as after all these years of suspicion, the cat's
finally out the bag and I am a bit relieved tbh. I can never forgive her but at the same time, I can't see my life without her either.

Any advise on how to cope? To move forward? To deal with this situation? Advise on the NC? Thoughts on possibilities for R?


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

How to survive? One minute, one day at a time. Make no big decisions. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Take care of the basic needs, water, some nourishment. Get to a doctor for antidepressants if you find you can't function.

You won't get over this but you can get through it. There is amazing information in the Healing Library on the upper left side of the home page of this site, amazing listeners and wise people who have BTDT here.

Be as selfish as you need to for now. You emotions will be all over the place. You'll find a home here on SI.

I'm so sorry.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3463 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry. Your pain is so palpable. I wish I could make this easier but who are we kidding--your M has just shattered. It is cruel but there is no going back.

Time is the only thing that will show if R is possible. You and your wife should start individual counseling (IC) if you can. You must take care of yourself as much as possible right now in other ways too. Confide in friends if it will help and you trust them, see a doctor if the agony persists and interferes too much. Bit I am a believer too in letting the feelings come within reason. Suppressing them won't do any good, as much as escaping this overload would be nice. You will probably feel numb sometimes or angry, which can be a relief. It is too early to tell how your WW's family will react as the days go by--will they stay stalwart for you or start justifying? Family can go either way.

Be good to yourself and follow your gut. It was right in the past and more trustworthy than your WW right now unfortunately.

Sorry to find you here among us but ask for any support on these boards that you need.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I am so very sorry you find yourself here , but this is a great place to be when your life gets blown to bits. There are great people here who can help you navigate the harsh and stormy waters ahead. Let yourself feel the pain. This is trauma. Be kind to yourself. I know how absolutely life altering this news is. Life will never be the same, but it will get better again. You will be okay. You will survive.

Please keep posting. You've just found a whole new set of friends that are willing to walk this journey with you!!!!!

So very sorry for your pain.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 657 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
TOMTEFAR
Member
Member # 39257
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, February 7th (Friday)

Ouch! I realy feel for you.

Your wife is extremly selfish and crule.

Ask her how she can possibly make this up to you? You need just compensation for this and I have now idea of how that could be done in this case. If you can't get just compensation you will not be able to forgive and your M is doomed. (Just compensation doesn't mean that you should get to have a 4 year A or any A at all. So don't blast me on that.)

I Think you already are on a certain path though. You stated yourself that:

I can never forgive her but at the same time, I can't see my life without her either.

I wouldn't either be able to forgive something like this. I'm afraid for your Health. IF you can't forgive her then you need to leave her for your own Health. I know it is scary to leave but there are others out there that can fill her Place. You are looking at loosing several years of your Life because of her A. It is very hurtfull for your body because of the stress and other things that happens. So put a lot of thought into if you can ever forgive her and if you find that you cant file for D.


Posts: 106 | Registered: May 2013
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, February 7th (Friday)

scaredyKat, Thank you for taking the time to read my heartbreak and responding - it's comforting to know there are genuine people out there that are part of the solution and not the problem. It's been 5 days now and while I am still hurting and without relief, I find myself now eating one more spoonful as the days go by. Based on all the advise given out on this forum, including yours, I am now trying...

Again, thank you for reaching out!

-------------

norabird, you've hit the nail on the head and I do appreciate your sentiments and advise here. My feelings/emotions are definitely all over the place - I can't eat, sleep or focus at work. Have no confidence to want to go out and face the world any more including just simply going to work and doing my job. I really am seeking that escape but at the same time, I do understand I need to do things for my self and do good by myself in all of this.

My WW's family is being supportive to say the least as they would have never expected this and they are seemingly on my side. TBH, my purpose in involving them was not to embarrass or humiliate her but to have her confess to them directly to their faces. Even if I am gone and this ends in D, she needs to be able to face them and look at them in their eyes again; I also needed her to do this so I could have some level of confidence in what she was confessing to. Additionally, she needed to see how her actions have affected more than just me...something, I think she easily overlooked.

Thank you again for your supportive words - it means a lot more than you would imagine!

----------------

StillStanding1, your words are very comforting and I thank you for them. This is by far the most life altering event in my life to date and as most others, I never expected to end up in this position. The reality is it happened and now I have to figure things out. My WW never imagined things of this nature as all during her A, she was convinced that this was their secret and was sold on the fact that I would never find out. I am definitely hurting, more than I would ever wish on anyone and I just want it to stop.....

There is comfort in knowing I have a new set of friends who are there for me in my time of need...

----------------

TOMTEFAR, thank you in advance for your kind advise and commenting here. You're absolutely correct, just compensation is one item on my list for sure. The thing is, perhaps I am too weak in life, but I would never wish this on someone, even before I found out...that's not what makes me tick at the end of the day. Even if we agree to R and she says I am free to do anything I want in life moving forward, I could never live with myself knowing I did this and created hurt for another...I see your point in this though and do agree that she needs to do a heck of a lot more than just say I'm sorry and show remorse...

It's been jsut about 5 days now and while the pain has not subsided, it's words like yours that keeps me going and I have started to look at myself and started to eat a bit more, drink more water and even sleep a couple of minutes more...not drastic progression in any means but at the same time, more than I did for myself 5 days ago....


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, February 7th (Friday)

So, I found out yesterday that I need to fly out to the Philippines for an emergency work-related obligation this Sunday...I'll be gone for a week...going through all this, how am I suppose to get through the next week? Any advise would be appreciated...

Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
catatonic
Member
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, February 7th (Friday)

As you will hear from others on this site, and the information obtained from the Healing Library. First take care of yourself. Keep hydrated. If you have talked with family use them as a support. And look into getting into some IC. Specifically someone who specializes in Marriage.
I am similar to your situation, in that we were married for almost 20 years, and WH A started in 2009. And he was trying to end it months before DDay. Never the less it was devastating.
The best advice i received was to not make any immediate decisions.
But to be prepared, and protect yourself.
You can not change what happened nor can you know where you be 1 week from now, 1 month from now, 1 year from now.
Time is on your side.
You may regret decisions you make now. For instance who you tell about the A or deciding on S/D.
I am very sorry for what you are going through. It is pure H... . The pain stays, though it changes. It is the worst roller coaster ride you can imagine.
You will see on SI that there are many who have succeeded in the path of R, and those who D has worked for them. You know your marriage better then anyone. And a good IC, and MC can help guide you.
Support to you. Be strong, and stay in control.

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, February 7th (Friday)

catatonic, your kind and supportive words are definitely appreciated...these are indeed trying times and I would never wish this on anyone. I'm so relieved to have found some sense of comfort in reading the many wonderful advise and information in this forum....they do go a long way and do hit home. And, for the first time in the last 5 days, I'm actually beginning to think about me. I've dwelled on the details for the last couple of days enough to make me sick to my stomach each time I think about the situation. I feel beaten down and am without a fight left in me. My WW was my rock, my everything and it's gut renching to know I've been betrayed by her, especially in this manner. I can not understand what happened here and I can not deal with the letdown and pain. The fact is you're right, the pain will remain but not in the same capacity but I just want to get to that point already....don't want to take your story for granted as I do appreciate you sharing your story as well and am hoping you are in a better place now. Thanks again!

Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Sorry that you find yourself here, friend.

Any advise on how to cope? To move forward? To deal with this situation? Advise on the NC? Thoughts on possibilities for R?

Right now, the answer is TIME. Time will be your best friend, but also your worst enemy.

In these passing days, you are going to realize and accept that infidelity is a process. It can't be bypassed--you have to plow straight through it. If you or your wife try to ignore this matter, or sweep it under the rug, it will resurface with a vengeance. Believe me, as brutal as things seem right now, there are ways to make it worse. So please listen to the advice that these members are going to give.

One of the first steps is understanding that NONE of this is your fault. You may already believe that, but if there are any nagging feelings in the back of your head that you should have "done this" or "done that", don't buy into it. This is 100% on your wife, and anything less that her taking full responsibility is counterproductive to both you and her.

These next steps may also be very hard to take, but they are very important to your recovery. See an attorney, even if it is just a free consultation. Knowledge is power, and you need to know where you will land legally and financially if things do not work out. You will be surprised how much this information may help your feeling of self-worth. I wouldn't be out of line to assume that your self-esteem is in the gutter, you feel totally emasculated, trust is at less than zero, and you almost feel paralyzed. We get that. We have been there. I can tell you that 4 years later, I am a whole world better--but can also remember things almost to the last detail.

It is how you learn to cope with your new discoveries that will pay dividends later. It may be impossible to see at the moment, but it is there.

It sounds like you would like to attempt reconciliation. There is no wrong answer to what you WANT...whether it be reconciliation or divorce...but it is important that your decision is not based on fear. Once you are able to let go of that burden, and it is your sound decision whether you want to R or D, then it will be a healthy choice.

But the harder work is on your wife. She is a broken person to do what she has done, and she needs to get to the bottom of these problems. Not only has she betrayed you and your family, but she has betrayed herself....and that will be difficult to overcome.

They say that (4) basic items are needed to start the reconciliation process:

(1) No Contact(NC) with the other man
(2) Transparency(passwords, etc.)
(3) Honesty
(4) Remorse

Remorse is the only one that can't be forced or demanded, but is by far the most important. You can't reconcile with an unremorseful spouse. And right now, all you have is regret. There is a world of difference with remorse. Remorse means that she *gets it*, and will do anything and everything to help you, her family, and herself.

If you go over to the Wayward Forum here, you can see the difference between members who are remorseful, and new members who are regretful and confused. There is also a thread in the I Can Relate Forum, where betrayed spouses can ask questions to the wayward spouses. The amount of wealth on this site is incredible.

That's enough to digest for now. Just know that you are going to be okay---it just takes time and work. You will get there.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2043 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

jb3199, your words and advise is surely reassuring. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to help me in my time of need. You're so correct on many fronts and have certainly opened my eyes. I will definitely heed your advise and make healthy choices. It's been 6 days since D-Day and I think it's safe to say, I am close to passing the shock at this moment - although, I am still hurting a lot. But, the more I read this forum and others alike, the more I can see that there is a very faint light somewhere on the horizon and I need to eventually pick myself up and get to that light. Just have to find the inner strength first...

Thanks again for your sound guidance and sentiments - appreciate that there are people out there that generally care to be a part of the solution....


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

Sitting at the airport waiting for my departure and I'm dying on the inside. I see couples walking hand in hand and they all seem happy - married men wearing their wedding rings with pride and the world just seems OK to everyone but me. I've been to the restroom 2 times in the last hour to clear the tears from my eyes. I'm an emotional wreck at this stage. I am struggling big time to find the strength to go on - I thought I was stronger than this but for the first time in my life, I realize how vulnerable and weak I really am.

I've worked so hard in my life and have given my WW every ounce of energy I had, only to have her disregard it all - I feel so let down by her and by life and no matter how hard I try, I just can't shake the hurt at all...


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

Sitting at the airport waiting for my departure and I'm dying on the inside. I see couples walking hand in hand and they all seem happy - married men wearing their wedding rings with pride and the world just seems OK to everyone but me. I've been to the restroom 2 times in the last hour to clear the tears from my eyes. I'm an emotional wreck at this stage. I am struggling big time to find the strength to go on - I thought I was stronger than this but for the first time in my life, I realize how vulnerable and weak I really am.

I've worked so hard in my life and have given my WW every ounce of energy I had, only to have her disregard it all - I feel so let down by her and by life and no matter how hard I try, I just can't shake the hurt at all...


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

after20yrs

we have been in your shoes and understand your pain.

Have a safe trip.

Eat well. Work hard and get some rest.

You have plenty of time to think.

So think about this.

If you love your wife even after her affair come up with a plan for the two of you to reclaim your marriage.

Set form boundaries going forward in your relationship.

And fin d a good therapist for your wife so she can understand why she felt it was ok to screw you and herself over for 4 years.

be strong and safe travels.

HM


Posts: 828 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, February 10th (Monday)

happyman64, tks for the encouraging words. And, you're absolutely right - I know and understand what you are saying, but somehow, I just can't seem to find the inner strength to pick myself up and focus, nor can I find ways to lessen the pain. I've been actively reading these forums for the last week and I do feel comfort in the advise from everyone and even knowing that I'm not the only one to have gone through this, but at the same time, I am having major difficulites coming to grips with it all. I read it take some people weeks, months or years before they regain some sense of normalcy - I can't imagine going another week without sleep, proper food or living with this hurt and pain. I understand time is on my side and will be a friend but my mind is all over the place and only focuses on this. I'm in transit now as I await my connecting flight and am still in a mess. Not sure how to just put this aside, even for a second, to give myself a break from it all...

Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

So, I am in the midst of my business trip and next to dealing with my wife's infidelity, this is by far the hardest week I have had to face in my life. No one there to help, guide or comfort me but I'm expected to pull myself together, focus and get my job/project done. I'm expected to put on my game face and act like nothing has happened and all is well in the world - when I am truly devastated on the inside and am just broken at this point. I'm more lonely than ever and as each second passes, I am consumed with more feelings of betrayal and hurt. I am barely sleeping, partially due to jet lag, but also because my mind is consumed with this. I'm hurting more than ever at this stage and just don't have any outlet but this forum. No one I can talk to to make me feel any better or even there to help nudge me along. I've never felt this way before and am isolating myself more than ever and for the first time in my life am consumed with self pity. I just want the pain to go away so bad and not sure how much more I can take...it's killing me on the inside...

BTW: in previous business trips as well as in general, I'd check in with wife after arriving, but with this trip, I have not made any contact with her since leaving our home nor did I even share my itinerary with her. She has texted me and even sent me an email to check that I arrived safely but I did not respond...while I want to ping her back - I feel it's better this way. Of course, this is due to the hurt and pain I am feeling but am I wrong here? Should I give her the time of day or offer her any reassurance on my safety or personal well being?

Any thoughts on this and even my whole situation in general is appreciated...


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

If you do not want to write back to your WW, then don't. It shows that you are strong and don't need her, and she needs to get that message right now.

I am sorry you're so alone right now on this trip while you have to double down at work and perform. You can get through this week. Some people like the distraction but it does feel unreal, almost like being disassociated. Eat, drink, rest, exercise if possible...anything to take care of yourself. Be proud of yourself for your strength. Collapse in private whenever you need to. I'm assuming there is no one near you right now you can open up to given the nature of your trip...but when you're back home, isolation will only hurt. Reach out to friends or family for support if you can. It really helps to lean on others.

At some point if you keep struggling you may want to inform the powers that be at work, who will probably be understanding. You can also see a doctor about sleep aids, anti-depressants etc. when you return if you feel you need help (no shame in that).

I wish there were a magic bullet or a time capsule to get you past this. But you will make it through, I promise. It will get better.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tooanalytical
Member
Member # 22306
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

after20yrs,

I just want to say that I was where you are and it gets better. I remember traveling as a consultant after d-day and it was like I was in my own world. No actually it was like I was outside my body in a quite place observing everything and everyone going on around me. I am not sure how I got by and completed my deliverables, but I did and just kept motoring on as best I could. I didn't feel it was wise to tell anyone at work.

It gets better in stages and is quicker if you have a truly remorseful WW. I updated my profile on where my healing was at during the first year. Overall, even though I was better it took 4 to 5 years to become indifferent to the A and just happy at where things are in my life.


Me BH 44
FWW 44
Married 21 years
D-Day Apr 29, 2008
Children: 19,17,14
EA/PA - 1 year
Status: R

Posts: 280 | Registered: Jan 2009
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

How does it feel to have 40,00 people nudging you along? You've got friends here sir. Don't despair. Feel your pain. You are strong enough - one foot forward then the next, remember? Nora hit the right note on the particular question
If you do not want to write back to your WW, then don't. It shows that you are strong and don't need her, and she needs to get that message right now.

BOOM goes the noradynamite!

We got your back. Know that.


Posts: 6541 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
outside4me
Member
Member # 42430
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

My DDay was 3 weeks ago...I share your pain, brother! Same feels. I get just 2-3 hours of sleep/night, have real difficulty sharing the same bed, end up in the recliner to get any sleep. Gotta force myself to eat, etc. I just want to get this figured out pronto so I can feel something else besides the worst pain I've ever had. I find great solace in this website, and hope you do too. Good luck, mon ami!

Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Colorado
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I remember what it was like trying to work, fresh after D-day.

There were those days when work was a welcome distraction..Other days work was a curse..

Up until retirement, I was in the business of saving lives..

In this line of work I could easily be distracted by the sympathy I felt for those whom I was caring for..


What I hated was quiet...


Those times I was off from work , by myself , no distractions...

Eventually I confided in my boss and a couple of my co workers, this made life at work easier..

This infidelity stuff takes a loooooong time to navigate through..

One good source of strength is to have a network of IRL friends who have your back..People to confide in, have fun with,etc..Doesn't have to be the same person who is the fun one and also a confidante..

Build your own world that you like which is apart from married or family life..Photography, writing, music, art restoration, all of the above..

Everybody needs a space in his or her mind for distraction and comfort..

It is how we pace ourselves for the long haul...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:47 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Nov 2011
UneasyFeelings
Member
Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Like outside4me, my DDay was about 3 weeks ago too.

I normally don't drink, but I'm responsible. I left my WW on the day I found out. Went out of town to get away from it all. I was drunk every minute, for the first 2 days. Stayed mostly in my motel room. Even though you're drunk, you know exactly what you're doing. Did help with the pain and sadness for me.

2 days later, I finally caved in to my WW's messages and told her where I was. She immediately came to me.

Spent 6 days together just talking and being around each other. Almost felt like a honeymoon.


Anger and depression are the 2 main emotions for me. Followed by confusion.

Even though I've had a few triggers, I feel each day, I am getting "better" emotionally.


Posts: 100 | Registered: Jan 2014
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)

norabird, you certainly got a way with words. Thank you for the words of encouragement especially at this junction. I can't begin to describe this has devastated me and how everything I do is affected by this but I know you and others here understand, so thanks again for the support and words of advise - good to know that I can count on people in here to help me along...

tooanalytical, when you said

I was outside my body in a quite place observing everything and everyone going on around me
that is exactly how I feel. No matter where I go, I look at my surroundings in a different light and tend to focus on couples who seem happy and think to myself, please be honest and truthful with each other always which of course most of us learned in hindsight. Anyhow, I imagine it will get better with time but not sure if I can wait months or even years cause I just want this pain to subside already...not ready to make any irrational decisions but just ready to give up the pain and hurt.

jjct, wow - thanks a million. There's something to be said about people in these forums - they are definitely helpful and kind - could not have made it 10 days in without these forums, so thank you again for your support.


outside4me, these feelings are just not subsiding. I know I have to go through the hurt stage and other stages to pick myself up but didn't realize it would take such a toll on me. But again, as you pointed out, this site has been mose helpful and am learning how to deal with my WW's decision to have an A.


doggiediva, you're so right. Time is everything up until to find yourself with a lot of it and dealing with an A. That's where I'm at right now. Stuck in Manila on a work project with nothing but free time after work which I use to read these forums and take note of the good advise received from people like you. Thanks again!

UneasyFeelings, if only I had the inner strenght, I could do something similar. The fact of the matter is despite what my WW did, I have a long history with her and while I don't forgive her, I miss the real her, the one that I saw last year when she ended it and checked back into our relationship. But you said it in that there are triggers everywhere and if it's affecting me at this point, not sure how I will deal with in the future...


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)

There is no rush to decide anything. Whether you decide to try to R or decide this is too much to handle and D, you will still feel love for the woman you thought she was, and pain will still be there; but your path will unfold itself to you. You are probably paralyzed right now, but that's ok. Be kind to yourself!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

Again, wow!
You will still feel love for the woman you thought she was
. Is this what is happening here? Has she really changed into someone else? If so, will she ever change back? Or was she just blinded and is still the same person deep within? I never thought about it from this perspective....argh...am so confused and my brain is mush....

Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, February 16th (Sunday)

Well, I'm finally back from my business trip - flew in last night. I can honestly say this has
NOT been an easy week for me. Just being away, isolated, no one to talk to, and all the feelings bottled up plus expecting to be on my "A" game and work made this week one to remember. Was not an easy one by any means...I used to think I was a strong person and since D-day (which was 2 weeks ago to this date), all I've learned is that I'm more weak than I thought. WS did write me an apology letter during the last week not only apologizing but mentioning that she want to R and will do whatever it takes to make it work. Due to the bottled up emotions, this did not make me feel 100% better, but it showed me she is sorry and after knowing her for 20 years now, I know she meant it and took the time to craft each and every phrase.

Came in last night, didn't say much initially, but cleaned up and went to bed - not our bed, but a spare in the guest room - the very one I've been sleeping in since D-Day. A few minutes later, WW came in, sat at the end of the bed and started talking. She knew I was still hurting and very much so still in pain - she apologized again. We talked a bit more, and the tears started flowing, she saw this, and also started tearing. We both cried non-stop and during this, she reached over and hugged me crying and exclaiming how sorry she was and wished this never happened. I did not hugged her back, but did lean in - can't say it didn't feel good, but deep within I was still hurting. The tears eventually subsided and we talked and when there was nothing left to be said, talked more.

During our discussions, I probed for details upon details - the same details I asked for previously and the same ones she already shared. It was repetitive, but I needed validation and need to see if her story changed. She did provide the answers, albeit, the same as before, no deviations. The better part of me says she is being honest while the betrayed part of me says, she's still holding back and trying to spare my feelings. Not sure who's winning the battle, but I am losing the war here.

We both fell asleep in the same bed - her at the footside and me by the head of the bed - no touching or getting close to one another - I kept my distance and she did the same.

TBH, it felt good talking it out with her, but I still have those movies playing in my head and am still consumed with the question we all want to know "why".

Not sure which direction I'm headed in. Think IC is definitely on the table at this point and we will both be looking into this in the upcoming days...my fear with any form of counceling is the councelor not listening and making this resultant of some other factor in our marriage which was never an issue to begin with or linking this back to some repressed feelings from younger days....any thoughts on this?

In the end, I know we both need help to deal with this as individuals and then if our paths converge, then will deal with that at that point, but professional help seems a must at this point.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, February 16th (Sunday)

during the last 20 years, I gave everything I have to her

Simply this has to stop. Put your needs first; worshipping her hasn't exactly guaranteed her loyalty and now its time for you to be a bit selfish and concentrate on yourself.

This was a 3 year LTA and is approaching unforgivable. She needs to earn your forgiveness with every ounce of remorse she can summon.. Genuine remorse that is, not fake pretense in order to preserve her convenient marriage.


your new mantra; you first, her second.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
staystrong2014
New Member
Member # 42470
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, February 16th (Sunday)

After20yrs,

I'm sorry to read about your ordeal. I just joined this website and your entry was the first I read. It sure didn't take long to find someone in the same situation as me. For myself, my wife confessed to me about her affair three weeks ago. It was going on most of last year and it ended two months ago. Like you, I was devastated. We've been together for 17 years and I was blown out of the water with this confession. She said that she confessed because she knows what she did was wrong and if she was going to start a fresh life with me, she needed to lay it all out. She went back and forth on whether to tell me or not. She read a lot of forums and came to the conclusion this would be the best thing. Me finding out on my own would have been worse, though I don't know how it could be any worse. Here is my biggest problem. I love her and want to make this work. I even am willing to use this horrible experience to make our marriage better. However, she is still sorting out her feelings. She doesn't necessarily have strong feelings for the other man, but she has feelings for the excitement of the secret life she had last year. I can't sit here and say I want to work on things when I know she isn't totally on board yet. We've discussed a separating with her moving out, but it's easier said than done. It's been three weeks since the confession and many of the times we're together are like I never knew what happened. However, there isn't a stretch of more than five minutes when I don't think about what she did. I'll never forgive her, but I really want to make it through this, but it won't work unless I have a full committment from her. I think her moving out is the best thing for now in hopes that it clears her mind one what she would be missing with me and our children. Three young ones. Very heartbreaking.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2014
Hosea
Member
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, February 17th (Monday)

After20yrs

Man, I am so sorry to hear your story.

I know you are currently in the maelstrom-- trying just to hang on to something, anything, while the gale force winds of trauma knock nearly everything down around you. It's such a violation, such a devastating shock, but take what comfort you can from the community of survivors here. (I wish I'd had even one affair survivor to talk to when I went through the nightmare over a decade ago!)

It's really important, as others have noted, that you really know, I mean truly know, that you are not to blame for this. The affair is not proof of some failure on your part. Your wife initiated it (or accepted its initiation by him) and then she lied about it (directly and indirectly) for years without, apparently, much of a moral dilemma about it. This speaks to profound character defects on your wife's part- brazen selfishness, a frightful capacity to compartmentalize, inhuman cruelty towards you. And that's just for starters... So do not let her moral weakness assign you a deeply discounted sense of male self-worth!

The duration of her affair and the fact that YOU had to unearth what she'd have happily buried is an especially worrisome reality. She has behaved monstrously.

Unless your wife experiences guilt, regret, and shame commensurate with your profound suffering, there is no hope for true restoration. Honestly, I think the odds are actually quite low for that to happen- barring divine intervention. Her actions have broken you and the marriage into a million pieces-- while she remains relatively in tact. She may cry at her new reality since exposure, but the truth is, she did not come to you overwhelmed with guilt and desperate to confess. Even her tears then must be viewed with suspicion- she could just be upset to have been caught, or be embarrassed to have been confronted by her family, or mourning the loss of her Cake Eating Wonderland.

You may feel the very strong urge to reconcile--- because it might seem as if this could provide some shelter from the storm she summoned. But the last thing you want to do is draw strength from the very person who has broken you so completely.

Consider very seriously whether you want to try to build a future with this woman in light of what you now know of her. You may be tempted to try to let the depth of your own love for her become the foundation for your reconciliation. But it won't work unless she truly and radically changes into a woman deserving of that love. You'll know she's become that woman when she, too, is shattered into as many pieces as you are, yet all she longs to do is put you back together.

We're rooting for YOU. YOU deserve far better. So please don't let yourself believe anything less!


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

OK now,
You're absolutely correct and I do have to be selfish. The problem is I've never been all these years so am having a difficult time being that way - which I know is not me. I do think you summed it up in the mantra though, so thank you.


staystrong2014 ,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation and it sounds in line with mine to an extent. Obviously this is not easy and I wish there was something I could do or offer to help you along. I've been using this forum for the last week and a half and it's proven to be a great sounding board and has helped me in so many ways. Wish I can offer sound advise to you at this point, one which would genuinely help you, but I am also seeking comfort in this forum. At this time, all I can offer is my support as we work through this. Keep reading and posting - you have more friends out there than you can imagine and we are all here to support one another....


Hosea,

We're rooting for YOU. YOU deserve far better. So please don't let yourself believe anything less!

THANK YOU! Your kind words mean so much in helping me through this difficult time. I hear what you are saying and do accept that this is not my fault. I know and acknowledge this and am working towards repair - myself first and then, if it comes to it, my marriage. I also hear you on my WW being worthy of my love and commitment - I know what she did and it truly hurts. I will definitely take you advise. At the same time, how do I know if and when the time is right to R? How do I know whether or not she is doing all the right things? How do I know if she is sincere, honest and worth the time and effort again? At some point, I have to re-assess the situation and evaluate what she is doing, saying and thinking and what I want out of life. If the stars align, I do have to trust my gut and make changes to a better and more deserving life - correct?

[This message edited by after20yrs at 3:55 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Here is my biggest problem. I love her and want to make this work. I even am willing to use this horrible experience to make our marriage better.

Like staystrong2014, my biggest dilemma is that I love and care for my WW and eventually, I do want to at least know I gave R. The fact of the matter is that we have a decent history together that neither of us can easily let go of (even my WW, despite her A, would admit to this).

Most people I speak with about my situation say one thing - leave her and move on. But, the bottomline is they have never walked a day in either of our shoes and don't know about our relationship and the potential it had and could still have. My WW and I have spoken quite a bit in the last two weeks, and have disclosed things neither of us knew about - things about our relationship (good and bad) and how she genuinely feels for me and how I felt about her (keep in mind, I'm still holding strong and trying my best to adhere to the 180 even though my actions or words may seem to contradict this).

As mentioned before, she is seemingly doing all the right things at this point - she has committed to a NC letter which was mailed out certified to the AP. She has answered all my questions and sworn that she is telling the truth. Granted, it's up to me to believe her, but after questioning her time and time again, the bigger part of me (my gut) says there is truth in what she is saying, although the betrayed part has his guard up - internal struggle I know, but at which point do I start believing her? At which point do I start trusting my gut again? From what I gathered, at the time, she compartmentalized this A - she was able to separate me and her from her and him....any thoughts on this? Anyone? Futher to this, she was the one that called it off, knowing that it was not right and realizing that she needed to make amends and snap back to reality. I'm not praising her by any means here but just acknowledging commenting on some of her actions which as much as I would like to deny - I can't. She is not blame shifting and knows exactly what she did and how it affects us and our surroundings and is taking ownership. She accepts and has mentioned that she is fully responsible for her actions and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it right and she expressed to me that she wants to be a better person and wife should I ever want her back.

Further to this, she has shown remorse - genuinely broken down and apologized time and time again and begged for forgiveness. She has contacted her job to block his phone number and email address and is looking into changing her mobile number at this very moment. She is also working on a list of all accounts that she has with passwords to be shared with me in the effort of being transparent. She is even working on a list of rule breakers - things she knows that will mean grounds for immediate divorce should we reconcile and is actively looking into counceling options for herself and us.

Like staystrong2014, we are both willing to use this damaging experience to make our marriage better - she acknowledges this is her lowest of the lows in life...biggest mistake and number 1 regret in life (something she even detailed in the NC letter). I have not made any commitment to her and have not acknowledged anything either. In fact, she knows I have not ruled out separation/divorce. She understands that I will never forgive her which I made very clear and that this has changed me but yet, she is trying.


From knowing her all these years, I know she realizes my pain and hurt - she even said it herself, and she is trying to help in what ever way she can to make it better. She is humiliated, embarrassed and disappointed in herself, but at the same time she shares every detail I ask for and volunteers information. We have a close knit family structure, and she has even read the NC letter to her Mother, Brother and Sister. The NC letter BTW contains the details of their relationship even on an intimate level which was quite embarrassing for her to read to her family, and after doing so, she declared that she wanted to make our marriage work, learn from this and never wanting to hurt me or her family again.

Not sure if I am caught up in my emotions here, but I do feel she is trying...again, she is the one that comes over and talks to me - asks me how I am doing - what I am thinking - offering suggestions to help me cope, and she breaks down when I do as well - leans in and hugs me. Again, I could be a fool in my judgement here - I do understand that this is her fault and what she did was free will and I should not succumb to any feelings for her, but is there a possibility that she is really being remorseful and genuine here? If our marriage is worth saving? How do I know and go from there? From reading these forums and other articles, she is doing all the right things. So I ask, when do I start to rebuild? What further signs should I be looking for? When do I know she is worthy of me again? Should I discount everything she is doing? If our marriage is truly worth saving and we both realize this and are willing to give it a shot, should we risk pushing each other further away? I'm not saying I want to just brush this under the rug and move on already as it was the most devastating event in my life to date. Instead, I just want answers to help guide me along. I know I have a lot of repairing to do - she wants to help with this process, but right now I have not entertained her offer. I know something like this takes time and needs to be handled delicately and to allow enough time and thought to heal, but again, when do you come to the realization that you need to focus on the road to R if that's even in the cards? Obviously there's no magic formula, but given all the above, if you were me, what would be your next course of actions?


Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

You won't know what it will take for you to decide to stay until you know the depth and breadth of your wife's remorse...OVER THE LONG TERM..

This infidelity crap is exhausting for both the betrayer and the betrayed...If the betrayer is genuinely remorseful he or she won't get tired of doing what it takes to help you heal and live life again..

There can't be an expiration date on her remorse, on showing patience and kindness towards you..There is no expiration date on how long it should take for you to decide whether or not you want to stay in the marriage vs leaving..This is an individual/personal decision based on your physical and mental health, your situation, your level of tolerance to what is happening in your life..

The realization of wanting to stay clicks in one's head and heart pretty much the same way it does when one realizes he or she is done with a relationship..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:19 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Nov 2011
betrayedme2
Member
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

After20yrs, I could have written your story. 22 yrs in marriage and found out of a multi-year afair. Same story, for the most part, except it took months for my WW to show true remorse. You're fortunate to have received it so early.

I'm slightly over a year into R. It's better now. I don't think about the A every second of every day now, but comes up frequently in thought each day. Time does heal. Like most "step" programs, take it day by day. My work suffered (I have to travel myself), I sincerely hope yours doesn't. Wish I had some advice on that front...I really do.

My marriage is better now. It's not where we want it to be, but on a positive trajectory and not in the destructive manner it was in during the A.

You're getting a lot of good advice here. You're discovering there's a lot of good, caring people here. Keep sharing as much as you feel the need to. Take what advice you need.

Best wishes, thoughts and prayers for you and your family!


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Just want to add a further point.
To initiate this affair and engage in this total betrayal, your wife lost virtually all respect for you. Why I cannot say; maybe you have some inkling why she accorded you so little status or worth.

If you are to successfully reconcile you both need to understand this disrespect and what has to change to prevent it happening again.
In response to my FWH's adultery I changed; became harder, put myself and the kids first, stopped the dewey-eyed adoration and total trust attitude. Went on the occasional weekend vacation and left him with the children; became much more independent and basically changed the near co-dependent relationship. FWH doesn't like my independence too much but the respect is definitely back. I'm not a push-over anymore and I can survive quite well without him if it comes to that.

The message is that you need to change in response to your wife's near-contempt. You can't go back to the same marriage and expect a different result.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
after20yrs
New Member
Member # 42385
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

doggiediva,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I think you summed it up by stating:

You won't know what it will take for you to decide to stay until you know the depth and breadth of your wife's remorse...OVER THE LONG TERM

The key words here is "OVER THE LONG TERM" which I understand. I know this is not an overnight process and even if I wanted to just rush this along, I will still hurt and am just ignoring the core issue, which will not help the situation or me. I know I need to take the time to heal and also have my WW show remorse during this time, however long that will take. Again, appreciate your thoughts and support.


betrayedme2,
I never realized how cruel this world can be and how many others are or were suffering as much as I am. While I do find comfort in those of you that have encouraged me and shared your story, I feel sad that I was so oblivious to the fact that this is affecting so many individuals than I could ever imagined, and more so, it saddens me that I can not reciprocate my support for you. So firstly, congrats on making strides in your struggles - I'm sure it was not easy but you did it and are here offering me advise.

I'm lost at the moment as you can tell - I feel that my wife is on the right path and we are sharing and trying to understand what happened and what needs to happen in the future, both on an individual level as well as on a relationship level, assuming our paths towards healing converges. Again, I have not told her of any intention to R, but did tell her that we both need to heal and through healing we will discover where we both want to go.

I do miss the good days, as you all are aware of, and do miss feeling happy and loved. I don't want to just put my hurt aside for comfort from the one who caused me so much pain to begin with. But at the same time, what if I wanted to R? What if she wanted to R? Should I just ignore the opportunity and potential to make this damaged relationship stronger than ever? When do I start to focus on rebuilding? Yes, I am hurting and the ga-zillion triggers out there in the world does not help, but I am trying to cope and find the strength to pick myself up - and my WW is helping me to do this (through her own remorse). The fact is that her A was from late 2009 - late 2012 and was not consistent, meaning they did not met every day or week. She ended this in early 2013. Yes, this was a LTA. We both acknowledge this and she understands the gravity of the situation. While she hid this from me, she has had more time to process this in her head and now that the truth is out, I feel she is unloading and accepting her true feelings of embarrassment, humiliation, devastation, hurt, despair, guilt and remorse. She understands how much this has hurt me and will forever change me. She understands the ripple affect on how her actions have affected those close to us. She never had the opportunity to release her emotions as what she was trying to do after ending it was to "protect" our relationship, and yes, protect herself. Again, yes, she voluntarily did this and caused the pain and suffering and I acknowledge this and am not making any excuses but knowing her for all these years, I do feel she has finally, for the first time, been allowed to show her remorse which she is doing, or trying to do. She knows there is nothing left to hide at this point and I can see her guilt and understanding of my pain. She is not rushing this and even mentions that she will help me for as long as it takes to heal. Like you, I want to get to that point where if we decided to R, we can learn to cope and make new memories. And, I understand it will take time but what I am most confused about is how to go about day-to-day? I don't want to push her away, but at the same time, I am keeping arms length. I know I don't want to hold onto what was, but instead, I want to take our history and build on that by creating a new chapter in our life. Any further thoughts would be appreciated but I do thank you for your support - it means a lot.

OK now,

The message is that you need to change in response to your wife's near-contempt. You can't go back to the same marriage and expect a different result.

You're absolutely correct. The issue I have is I know me and I know her, albeit, not during the time of her A, but I believe I have a good assessment of her. Yes her A has forced me to look at her differently, but in general, I do know her to a greater extent. The fact of the matter is I don't want to push her away, but at the same time, I want her to understand what she has done and what this means. I know what she wants out of life and she knows her A was damaging, life changing, stupid, selfish, thoughtless and the list goes on - she even acknowledged and mentioned this to me on multiple occassions. Again, I do feel that now everything is out in the open, she, for the first time, has seen firsthand the devastating effects and is showing remorse. I can do for me and makes sure she is aware of this, but I can not and will not make it a point to destroy any potential future I have with her or become a person I am not. As previously mentioned, she is working on a "rule breaker" type list which is intended for her to acknowledge once again what she has done and know what she can not do, should we get back together. Even if we don't survive this, she knows this list is something she will have to adhere to in any future relationship in her life. Again, I do hear what you are saying and appreciate your real comments - it definitely resonates - I just have to figure out how to mesh it in with my world. Everyone's situation is inherently different and mine is no exception. Thanks for taking the time and offering your support.



Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 35