Just Found Out
User Topic: Living a lie
New Member
Member # 42388
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, February 7th (Friday)

Okay to make a very long story short, I've been married for fourteen years, together for eighteen. We have four beautiful children. This past summer WH tells me he never should of married me, our vows don't matter, he is empty inside. I was blown away. I thought we had a great marriage. Then he started telling me how he hates me and feels so much anger at me. I kept asking him if he was having an affair he kept saying no. Anyway he was tired all the time when he was home. Anyway bomb dropped three days ago. He has been going In chat rooms for hook ups since before we were married until last weekend. He has been blaming me for his feeling about me all summer and is now blaming me for his sleeping with whores. So basically our entire marriage has been a lie. I kicked him out. I have no idea what to tell our children. He is still in denial about all of it. He has not shown any remorse, has not said sorry nothing. He say he wants a divorce as soon as possible. Never-mind we have four children who adore him. He helps get them to bed every night etc. So I go in for std testing and end up with two medications for my lips (the ones on my face) they are extremely chapped and cracking and have a rash around them. The doctor doesn't know what it is. The doctor also gave me antidepressant and a sleep aid. The rest of my test results come back tomorrow. And next week. Omg I can't believe I have lived a lie with a man cheating on me for at least 16 years.
Any advice appreciated. And of course there are many many details Ieft out.

Me 35
WH 40
Kids 4
Married 14 years

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, February 7th (Friday)


I am so very sorry for your pain. How absolutely awful. You sound very rational for being so close to having discovered all this...

If you haven't seen it yet, please check out the "Healing Library" at the upper left. So much good information there.

I am glad you found SI right away. Wish I had. You will find amazing support and insights here. You are on the first downswing of what will be the craziest emotional rollercoaster. I am so sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

Please be good to yourself. You need to care for yourself first, so that you can then take care of your kids. Try to stay hydrated, eat if you can, get some exercise (it is the BEST stress reliever), and try to sleep -- use OTC aids or something stronger from your doc, if needed.

This is all so fresh and painful. We all know how badly it hurts. Please keep posting. You will find lots of wise folks here and lots of people ready to help you in any way they can.

So very sorry for your pain.....

Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I'm so sorry for you. I don't have any advice just words of encouragement that I heard everything you said and hurt for you. Just breathe... I know it's hard.

While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, February 7th (Friday)

This is obviously very shocking and painful for you. More than anything else, right now it's important for you to take care of yourself and your children. I don't have much advice for you but you'll find lots of support here.

Peace and strength, atkkcc. So sorry to see you here and in this position.

Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I am so sorry for your pain. Remember that although you feel alone, there are many people out there walking the same road. Focus on you and the kids and do what you need to make it day to day.

Me -BW
Him - WH
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I am so sorry. How awful. My heart breaks for you! It is horrible to have your memories of a life together suddenly tainted and ripped away. He is broken to be doing this.

Since he is talking about D, and has no remorse or integrity obviously!, consult with a lawyer or several so you know your rights and can take the best steps to protect the interests of you and your children.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I am sorry. I am one month in to this. Some things do get easier, some things get harder. I am a paralegal so the one thing that I had on my side is that I knew what my rights were. I would suggest talking to an attorney. Just check that off your list. Know what your rights are. It doesn't mean you are filing anything. Just find out your options. Knowledge is power and it will help you in that area.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, February 7th (Friday)

Trying to reconcile after an LTA or a series of betrayals is difficult enough if your partner expresses a wish to work through it with you.

If your H is not trying with you, is not remorseful or says he wants out of your marriage, it is not possible.

Gather your wagons, and get in self protection mode (you and your kids). See a lawyer and know your rights and your options. It is good that you have seen your doctor for testing. I truly hope your next results come back negative. Prepare yourself for the worst.

Also, prepare for more information that will continue to shake up what you believed to be your marriage. Yes, much of it was an illusion. It is heartbreaking, but it is and we can't change that. Your kids are real. They always were. and you were and are real too.

It has taken me over two years to accept that much of my marriage was a sham. I just couldn't believe that and didn't want to. It was. And accepting that actually feels better than not believing that this could be happening.

Yes, it is a new kind of hell, but you will get through this. You have to for your family.

They need you to be strong for them. Put your mother bear persona on. And don't take anymore shit.

We are here for you. We will listen, advise, try to comfort and never minimize your pain. We feel it and we know it.

But we also know that it will pass and out of this will emerge a stronger you.


I am also so very sorry that you are here.

Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I like what another poster said, that you are real and your children are real..From now going forward you will have to protect yourself legally, financially so that a decent future will be possible for you and your children....

Time will tell whether your WH is is some kind of fog or if he really feels that way about you and your M together..

Life without your WH can and will be good if you decide to take that path..

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Nov 2011
New Member
Member # 42388
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

I should mention that I am a Sahm we are completely dependent on his income. Last night was his first night away from home. I have no idea what to tell the children. Any suggestions? I don't feel like I should have to take any of the blame for what he did. I want to tell the kids that daddy broke the rules and our vows that he promised mommy when we got married so he has to live somewhere else for now. He thinks we should keep it neutral. I didn't want this he did.

I'm still in shock. How do you marry someone and tell them you love the and have four kids with them all the while lying and cheating. He said that I've and emasculated and put him down our entire marriage. He slept with the first one while we were engaged. Why did he marry me. Ugh!

He is still set on getting a divorce ASAP. I'm sure he is still lying and keeping something from me. I go from wanting to never be with him again to thinking we owe it to our kids to try and work it out and we owe it to ourselves to try and have a real marriage, not one based on lies. He says he has no interest in working on things. He said he lefts emotionally years ago.
I'm not sure that I will be able to stay married to him but I want him to want to try.

Me 35
WH 40
Kids 4
Married 14 years

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Welcome. I''m sorry. So very sorry.

Listen. Your WH has essentially fired you as his wife. Your instinct that there is far more to come is almost certainly very correct. I have a feeling that your WH is sitting on a lot more secrets, lies, and betrayals. And right now, he doesn''t have any remorse about any of it. He just wants what he wants when he wants it.

You are going to have to be Very Strong right now, at a point when you feel your weakest. But if you don''t get mad and start channeling your protective Mother Bear persona, you and your children are going to be screwed over again and again by your WH.

Use this weekend to research at least 3 good kick-ass divorce lawyers. Make copies of every financial document you have, and lock them all away in a safety deposit box or give them to one of YOUR friends who will not release them to anyone but you. You need to do this ASAP before those documents disappear. At least the last three years of your income tax returns as well. Monday morning, make appointments and go see those lawyers, with your documents, and settle on one of them. File for divorce or a legal separation immediately, asking for child support, spousal support, and physical/legal custody of your children as their primary caregiver. Also for sole use of the house. Do this quickly. This will accomplish the following:

1. Get him out of the house legally (change the locks) and make it your safe place.
2. Keep him from taking the children god-knows-where. He has that right at this point. Even out of the country.
3. Keeps him from spending all of YOUR marital funds on his whoring around. 1/2 of that money is YOURS. Don''t let him finance his infidelity on the backs of you and your children.
4. Sends a very clear message about what the rest of his life is going to look like. You cannot nice an unrepentant WH back. You have to go blow their socks off and blow their head right out of their back passages and get their attention.

But, you may say. I don''t want to make him angry. I don''t want to drive him away. I don''t WANT a divorce. Believe me, I so hear you. I really do. It is absolutely unfair to you, that at your lowest point, you have to be so strong and focused. There is nothing fair about this.

Please consider. He''s already angry. He is telling you that he hates you, that you are a mistake, by extension that his children are a mistake, and that he thinks so little of you that he has been whoring around for your entire marriage. That''s not love. He''s already gone, if not physically, then mentally and emotionally. He''s left you in the dust. He''s planning on a divorce to get rid of you so he can go live his life as a single man. He is not only out the door, but over the hill. You need to strike first and by doing so, make him respond to your demands, rather than dance to his tune.

I truly cannot tell you how very sorry I am. Let me reiterate, this is completely and totally unfair to you. Unfortunately, though, this is the way it is and you cannot hide from it. Please come back here often for help, support, and to vent. We are all here for you.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4949 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
New Member
Member # 42388
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Thanks for your advice pp.
Well he texted me tonight and wants to know if he can have the kids on Sunday. Never mind we haven't even told the kids yet. He is staying with his parents but still I'm usually always with them when we go over there. So should I let them go and just go shopping and enjoy some girl time or should I go and stay with them?


Me 35
WH 40
Kids 4
Married 14 years

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Personally I absolutely would not let the kids go with him. The way he is acting, I don't know if you would get them back. My husband is not acting rationally, is unpredictable, and not healthy emotionally to be around. I would be an irresponsible mother to let my husband have my kids right now.

I am a paralegal, and you got great great advice on the legal aspect. Knowledge is POWER. You need that and it will empower you. So see someone immediately on Monday. Actually, the attorneys I work for see people on the weekends. See what you can do on Saturday.

This is my own personal opinion and will let others weigh in.

[This message edited by huskers at 2:02 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
New Member
Member # 42388
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

He wants to come home today because he misses the kids. He wants to know if we can work through the separation process if he is living back at home.

Me 35
WH 40
Kids 4
Married 14 years

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014
New Member
Member # 42388
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

Really he wants to come home to work on separating. We are already separated. I'm so confused. Yes you miss the kids but this is reality of what

Me 35
WH 40
Kids 4
Married 14 years

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

atkkcc -
Don't let him come home unless he is truly remorseful, repentant, ready to work on the marriage, and YOU want him to. Show him what he wants (life without you and the kids). Make his life as hard as possible and move on with yours. Do not let him see you beg, see you sad, or see that you want him to come home if you do. If you let him walk on you, he will. Promise.

I know that sounds mean and heartless. But, that is the only shot you have at saving your M if you even want to. You probably think it's backwards, I did too, and I was wrong.

Hang in there.

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
New Member
Member # 42388
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Really he wants to come home to work on separating. We are already separated. I'm so confused. Yes you miss the kids but this is reality of what being separated is.

Me 35
WH 40
Kids 4
Married 14 years

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014
Getting to Happy
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Really he wants to come home to work on separating. We are already separated. I'm so confused. Yes you miss the kids but this is reality of what being separated is.

Atkkcc, I think that you have answered your own question.^^^

So let me get this straight, this mess has been boiling over since the past summer...

WH tells me he never should of married me, our vows don't matter, he is empty inside. I was blown away. I thought we had a great marriage. Then he started telling me how he hates me and feels so much anger at me.

That's shitty.^^^At least now you know what he really thinks of you. And him being 'empty' is a result of him being a shallow douchebag, nothing to do with you. He must have pretty low self esteem to pay for sex and hook up with strangers...blech! That is all on him.

Why should you try to help him out in any manner?!? Don't let him wipe his feet on your head, your not a doormat.

A loyal,loving wife has great value. Don't forget that.

And just 3 days ago he has said what he was really up to...

He has been going In chat rooms for hook ups since before we were married until last weekend. He has been blaming me for his feeling about me all summer and is now blaming me for his sleeping with whores. So basically our entire marriage has been a lie.
And now he is blaming you for him sleeping with whores...

The only person that you can control is yourself, those were his poor choices. How backwards to blame you for him dicking around with whores! Yeah, and the dog ate my homework...Pathetic.

This man is soooo broken. I just wanted you to see this clearly. I see that you said that he was good with the kids. But what kind of 'good daddy' hooks up with local sluts?


Now he wants to take the kids out by himself...That would be a big fat NO. This guy is unstable, no telling what he would do. And he wants a divorce, pronto...He is desperation mode. He has got to do a whole lotta swimming upstream to get to be with your beautiful innocent kids. Please protect them from him and his sickness.

It's. Too. Soon.

Here is another question you answered for yourself...

I want to tell the kids that daddy broke the rules and our vows that he promised mommy when we got married so he has to live somewhere else for now.
Don't take the fall for this. Staying neutral only helps him with the 'I'm a good daddy'. You know that is bullshit. Tell the truth in an age appropriate manner. There are enough lies going on in your lives. Let the light into your home, start living an authentic life starting now. Tell the truth.

I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. Being blindsighted is never fun. But you sound strong. Protect your kids, and please protect your heart. You deserve so much more out of life.

(((((Atkkcc and kiddos)))))

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
New Member
Member # 42388
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

You are right. Thank you!

Me 35
WH 40
Kids 4
Married 14 years

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Getting to Happy spoke to me and also you. Isn't it amazing how we can look from the outside at other's situations and see our own and what we should be doing? After 27 years and two kids, I'm in just a month, but he has playing me like a piano. I kicked him out...he says no contact with the mistress. I was able to see cell phone bill yesterday. It's been 24/7 contact. A minute before we met to talk about R, and a minute after our talk about R. Sick and disgusting. Everything I told him he told her.

The reason I am telling you is that this is way too soon. Just think of it in hours, not days, that he told you the things he did. The hamburger in his stomach hasn't even had time to digest and now he wants to come home and misses the kids? No way. He made this nightmare of a situation, you did not. As long as he's still putting his check in your account and you are able to pay bills, bide your time. If he stops that, which mine is threatening to do, then you will have to file for divorce/separation to get an order of support.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Hugs to you. I know this is a terrible time. You have gotten a lot of wisdom already from members. I absolutely whole-heartedly agree with them. He is the broken not make life even 1 percent easier for him. He has made his choices and has disregarded your health for them.

I am worried about your "chapped" lips. If the problem does not go away quickly with the medicines your doctor has prescribed, please see a dermatologist. It could be an STD of some sort. I am glad you have already been tested.

In the next few days, expect him to try to hit your "weak" places. The soft spots that he knows you have and try to worm his way back into the house, or your relationship. Keep strong, be watchful. Do not engage. Do not text other than about children or finances.

Take care of yourself right now. It is hard, but your children need you to be strong. You can do it.

Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1654 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
New Member
Member # 42358
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

You sound like such a tender, sweet person. What a treasure your children must be. I don't have specific information about the finances and splitting custody, but I just want to remind you what a worthwhile and amazing person you are. Look at the sweet faces of your children for your proof.

And screw him for "missing" them when he didn't bother to think of them for... their whole lives while he was cheating? I would give anything for a house full of little ones. They and you are a treasure and he is the tarnish. Be strong and post often. Hugs to you.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: forwardfromhere
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, February 10th (Monday)

Atkkcc, I'm so sorry you found us, but this site is a great source of support.

The one thing I wanted to mention is to please NOT burden your kids with the explanation that 'daddy broke his vows.' It's not fair to lay that kind of intensely personal and adult information on the shoulders of your kids.

I'd simply tell them that you and daddy can no longer live together. The key to successful coparenting is NOT using the kids against each other, and if you tell them what a deadbeat their father really is, you're going to do damage to their relationship with him that you'll never be able to repair. So think long and hard before you burden them with such private marital information. My ex-husband (25 years ago) was the biggest cheater on the planet. I didn't tell my son the real reason I'd left his father. That's not something a 9 year old boy should be privy to. When we moved out and into our own place, I simply told him that mommy and daddy could no longer live together and that we made much better friends than we did husband and wife. And I left it at THAT.

Seems your husband wants to call all the shots. He wants a divorce BUT he wants to come back home while it happens so he can have all the comforts of home in the process. So you'll still be doing his laundry, cooking his food, cleaning his home, making his lunch, and all the other things he probably hasn't done since the day he married you.

Unfortunately, your options are limited as you're financially dependent on him and that gives him an advantage over you at the moment. I'd seriously consider sharpening up my skills and getting a job because you're going to need one in the very near future.

Lastly, if he wants to come home, I'd set up a makeshift cot in the basement or garage. He's chosen to separate? Fine. That doesn't mean you launder his clothes and wipe his ass for him. It means he gets the privilege of living in the marital home while HE decides to break up a marriage you had no hand in breaking up. It doesn't mean you wait on him hand and foot while he goes about his ugly business.

Get to a lawyer YESTERDAY, atkkcc.

Good luck to you.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 23