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Reconciliation
User Topic: It's over. It has to be.
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, February 7th (Friday)

I've just been screamed at by FWH after a minor argument. He screamed and accused me of lying and then escalated it.

I asked him to stop but he then started using that language:
"You've always, you've never!"

Then he said I'd always been a hateful bitch and I'd always been horrible. So I asked him to stop using that language as it reminded me of his A language.

He then called me a bitch and told me to get the fuck out!

I said I have nowhere to go; that I'd leave in the morning and he needed to stop escalating this.

He then starts saying he's asked me for the last 6 months to take notice of him and I'm asking what the hell he's going on about.

It escalated so I pretended I was recording it on my phone and he then starts gesturing at me " cut throat gesture" " all about the money gesture" " get out"

Then says in a very calculated and calm way (cos he thinks he's being recorded) how I've always been a bitch; how he's always been scared of me and how scared he's been since his A as I always have something to hang him with ( please not I have never brought up his A in an argument)

I've got nowhere to go but I do know that if I stay I'm an idiot aren't i?

Why?

Because I've just been gas lighted ......

Gutted.

So ashamed.
So deeply ashamed after all this time.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 7th (Friday)

(((MrsDoubtfire)))


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 36692 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, February 7th (Friday)

I am so sorry


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, February 7th (Friday)

(((MrsDoubtfire)))

Do you have any close friends or relatives who you could go to right now?
I am so sorry he is treating you this way---you don't deserve this. Remember that it is not you, there is something wrong with him. You have tried the best you can.

Sending you strength.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
boontje
Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, February 7th (Friday)

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Tell HIM to leave. I am so sorry ((mrsd))


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 934 | Registered: Aug 2011
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Oh, honey.

Just to validate you, what he did was totally unacceptable. I know you know that, but..ouch.

Take a deep breath and make a plan.

CAN you make him leave? Will he go?

Do you really have no place to go? Even a hotel for a few nights would be worthwhile to help you clear your head and give you some peace.

I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. But do stand up for yourself, and protect yourself.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Mrs.Doubtfire, this is so sad and he was so terribly cruel. YOU have nothing to be ashamed about.

Why doesn't he leave?

Just be safe.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2121 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
IamDyingInside
Member
Member # 41054
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Mrsdoubtfire, I am so sorry! Can't he leave instead? You didn't cause this he did! Hugs to you, hon!


Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (41)
2 Daughters - 20 and 16
Married 19 years, together 24 years
DDay - 09/08/2013
NC - 10/10/13 Broken 10/11/13
I feel like we are both trying R but I am just so skeptical of everything!! Hell, I don't know much right

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Lost in USA
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, February 7th (Friday)

((MrsDoubtfire))


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, February 7th (Friday)

(((MrsDoubtfire)))

I'm so sorry. Please take care of yourself and keep yourself safe.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz


Posts: 1102 | Registered: Jul 2012
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, February 7th (Friday)

..his aggressive outburst appears to be a red flag for something else.. could he possibly be hiding something still and is acting out of control.. wanting to blame you for his feelings??

He then starts saying he's asked me for the last 6 months to take notice of him

..do you know what he meant by this comment?

..what is his love language? ..is he looking for compliments, validation, more activity in the bedroom??

..his anger could be about not being able to ask you for specific things, but he just doesn't know how to tell you.. his frustration coming out in anger.

..it's not to be tolerated in any case. How are his 'communication' skills lately??

..sorry you are being treated like the enemy here.. you deserve way better.

..also... if anyone should leave, it should be him.. tell him to go to a hotel and "COOL OFF" for a few days.

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 6:53 PM, February 7th (Friday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, February 7th (Friday)

So sorry...tons of hugs to you! Please be safe. Please let us know you're safe. We care!!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
Filed, but may R after

Posts: 790 | Registered: Dec 2013
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Oh mrs. DF, you are in my thoughts. You do not deserve that behaviour. Please let us know how you are when you can.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 890 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, February 7th (Friday)

No shame belongs to you...it's all his.

Please take good care of you first......and then throw HIS ASS out.....he's the one who started this mess, not you....

(((Mrs.Doubtfire)))


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1644 | Registered: Mar 2010
PippaPeach6
Member
Member # 37523
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, February 7th (Friday)

WTF???? I know you have put so much into this. Dear heavens, sending mojo and hugs 😢


Us: 50ish, madhatters, married 20 odd yrs
TT: May 2009 'til June
DDay for both: June 17, 2009
Me: 2x, same person, 1991
Him: 1.5 year PA (EA?) 2007-2009
Reconciled

Honey Badger don't care. - Randall


Posts: 386 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Flyover chic
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Honey you have nothing to be ashamed about. You're not an idiot for staying - never an idiot.

Can we start lining up teeny little ducks somehow? 180 180 180, and just take care of you.

(((Mrs. D)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16460 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
joeboo
Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Wishing you peace.

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Feb 2011
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, February 7th (Friday)

(((Mrs. D)))

I just read this thread, and it cut me to the bone. Wanted to offer you my support and virtual hugs.

Thinking of you this evening, and sending you strength. We're here for you.


"I would rather take a punch than not give you a shot. I'd rather find out who you are than who you're not."

Posts: 6285 | Registered: Dec 2010
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, February 7th (Friday)

(((MrsDoubtfire)))

Posts: 929 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Mhiimg65
Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, February 7th (Friday)

MrsDoubtfire,
I too., had an incident tonight. We are Trying R, but if I ask him for anything, he suddenly reminds me that there was once when we went w/o sex for 7 months. When? where was I? Hello? Maybe I initiated and where was him?

I was called a (my last name) because that's what he does. Apparently us (last name)is more fucked up than his (last name).

Sleep in the spare room if you can. I can't wait until MC, because apparently WH only listenes to MC. So here we all go backing up a step.

Stand tall, kick his ass out if need be. You have been gaslighted. So was I, but I can at least reign him in by his stupid ways. At least he sees he was a (last name) and I wasn't drunk (which is what he gaslights me to be ) Stay in your house. Tomorrow, kick his ass out. You deserve to stay..he deserves to leave. Same with My WH. I'm gutted too. DON"T LEAVE.


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 137 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, February 7th (Friday)

(((hugs))) I''m so sorry. If he''s so unhappy, why doesn''t HE leave?


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4588 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, February 7th (Friday)

(((((MrsD)))) Oh, honey. I'm so sorry.

Are you safe?


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24447 | Registered: Aug 2011
Oftencheatedon
Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Please, please, please don't be ashamed.

Trusting and loving someone is nothing to be ashamed of.

Neither is trying to make your marriage work.

Anger would be better than shame. He should be ashamed of being such a terrible person.

I don't care what you have or have not done - his actions are reprehensible.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, February 7th (Friday)

If he wants it over, HE can leave. Don't you dare leave. If he continues to be aggressive and threatening, call the police, have him forcibly removed.

Shit just got real, get your bitch boots on.

You're not an idiot, you gave it your all. My guess? He's started another (or restarted) affair.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, February 7th (Friday)

I am so sorry. Your WH was totally out-of-line.
{{{hugs}}}


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7707 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, February 7th (Friday)

It sounds like he is imploding. I am so sorry he is failing you so epically.

(((Mrs. Doubtfire)))


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1792 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

((MrsDoubtfire))


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Aug 2007
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Sorry. I've not yet had chance to read any replies. I'm just so..... Numb I guess. I shall read them all an respond as soon as I can get my bearings.

He's already done they crying and the apologising but from here all I can see is the bullshit !

I need to work out what the hell just happened; why it happened and where I go next and the find lone is who will be coming forwards with me in my future!

I'm strong guys. Just a little beat is all.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

(((((Mrs Doubtfire)))))

You're strong, but like the rest of us only human. Wishing you well, whichever route you take.

And please, please don't ever be ashamed. I would imagine it's HIS shame that's got you into this situation.

Peace and light to you.


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think (A A Milne)


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Oh, MrsD.

This is all about him. IMO, there's something he needs to share with you, but he hasn't found the courage to do it yet. I hope he finds it quick.

And I hope you protect yourself.

You sure don't deserve this.

(((MrsDoubtfire)))


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Omg. Where the hell did this person come from??? Could he be having some sort of breakdown??

You have always stuck out in my mind as one of the most positive people on here. And you've often given your H accolades for his progress.

I just don't get it. How could this be happening???

(((MrsD)))


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

(((Mrs. Doubtfire)))


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 429 | Registered: Jul 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

OK - what an asshole. Sorry - but what an asshole.

Honey, grab a suitcase and fill it with his things. Put it next to the front door. Tell him if he does this again, the bag goes out, followed by him. Accept no less.

((((hugs))))


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1771 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

I'm sorry he's acting out.
((((hugs))))


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
shatteredapart
Member
Member # 41978
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My WH has had a few of these moments since dday 1. They're explosive and scary. Take care of yourself. Don't leave. It's his issue. If anyone leaves it's him. I'm worried about you. Be safe. (((mrsdoubtfire)))


Me-BS
Him-WS
EA(PA?) 10 months with COW
3 ddays-Sept '13, Oct '13, Dec '13
Attempting Reconciliation...time and actions will tell

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
alleyk
Member
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

(((MrsDoubtfire)))


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
Trying2Survive1
Member
Member # 40022
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

(((MD)))
Please, no shame on you. Take care of yourself now.


Madhatters, M 31 yrs
FWW/BS 57-BS/FWH 56
Separated 5 mos in 07.His DDay,11/07.False R since 07. My DDay,7/5/13."Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Posts: 128 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

You got this. You are a beautiful woman with an incredible strength of character. Look at what you have overcome with a good goal of keeping your family together. There is nothing to be ashamed of in giving someone a gift, regardless of how he chooses to value it.

Has the progress of your H as described un your profile reversed or just insufficient?


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 843 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

Hi guys.

I still have no idea why FWH reacted like he did and I am still scared and scarred by it!

We talked about it and he apologised and I said "Well guess what! Apology is words which equal Jack shit! You have put me right back in a M where I no longer feel safe! We, if we are to stay together, need help to get through!"

He said; "We have all the tools at our disposal to put this M right and we don't need any more ouside help to tell us what we already know!"

He says he has felt like an ''add on'' to the M for the last 6 months and feels like if he asks for my time all he hears is "Hang on a minute- I just need to text so and so" or "Give me a second- I just need to sort this out for DD" etc etc.

WTF?

So.... you not only threw your dollies out of the pram but also almost managed to throw the wife out too ....and all because you aren't getting the attention you deserve? Get the fuck out of here boy!!

(Sorry- swearing just seems so appropriate right now).

The reason wy he will never leave is because THIS is the dream house he built from scratch with his savings so, despite it being in joint names, an supposedly being built for ME... in his mind it will always be HIS more than mine and he will never leave here!

So, where we are at the moment?

He thinks we are working on resolving this issue.

I am 'pretending' as I really have nowhere to go (parents live abroad and I am too proud to go sleep on a friends couch).

I am pretending until I know what I want to do.

I am genuinely stuck between wanting to work through whatever shit just blew up in my face and walking!


I know he has put in so much work to change who he used to be but, boy, I saw the old him the other day and that has just brought back all the scary shit he was doing during his A that I had let go of!

Trust me- someone on here asked if he had reignited things with his AP? There's no way she would take him back now--- particularly as he got my nickname tattoo'd on his arm

I knew that was the one thing that meant they could not and would not ever get back together as seeing my nickname would make her want to

Anyway- I am still alive and still wearing my bitch boots.

I just need to work out what the hell I should do.

I hate this feeling of having one foot in the M and now one foot out!

One thing is for sure though... IF that old H returns this bitch isn't going to fall down a second time!

I am slowly lining up my little duckies until I know what to do next.

My subtle 180 is to stay vigilant and detached whilst watching his every move to see whether this was a temporary glitch or to see whether this girl needs to ruuuun Forrest ruuuuun!!

Thank you for all the support and I accept every virtual hug you sent as I need them all right now.

Staying strong thanks to you.

ETA Typos

[This message edited by MrsDoubtfire at 5:19 AM, February 9th (Sunday)]


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
Topic Posts: 39