SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Stupid Religious Hangup
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Concerned  Posted: 9:12 PM, February 7th (Friday)

So I was raised very conservative Christian. I saved myself for marriage (only to squander it) and even though a lot of women in my profession don''t change their name I did after a little while if marriage cause I was embarrassed checking into a hotel with different names.

I took my wedding ring off like 2 months ago cause it felt Ike a lie but sometimes I feel self conscious when I''m somewhere with DS, like it appears he was conceived out of wedlock during some one night stand or something. I feel a related shame that I am not staying married no matter what like good Christians do. Divorce is supposed to be for wimps, right (and of course the Snake keeps using my values against me to make me feel worse)? I know hardly anybody cares about this kind of stuff anymore and I know it''s not my fault but I can''t help but feel ashamed. Can anyone relate or am I just the last prude in the world? How do I get past this?

Just another shitty thing he''s forced on me


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 935 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, February 7th (Friday)

((((careerlady)))) That shame is not yours, honey. It isn't your burden to carry. You upheld your vows. The shame belongs entirely to the Snake.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24435 | Registered: Aug 2011
movingbackwards
Member
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, February 7th (Friday)

As someone with a similar upbringing, I carry a lot of shame for even THINKING about divorce. I know it's hard. But a cheating spouse flies in the face of everything marriage is supposed to be. That's something I have to keep reminding myself. I'm not breaking my vows -- he took care of that. I don't have to live with someone who can lie to me like that, and neither do you. (((Careerlady)))


You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, February 7th (Friday)

I had to call the state child support enforcement agency last year when my X stopped paying his child support. They had to ask me the standard questions; how many kids, ages. Etc. Then they asked me how many fathers my kids had. I was mortified! I know these are standard but I felt like some kind of white trash baby ,momma being asked how many fathers. It was really a gross feeling. I was like, "ONE!" One father!!!!!


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1561 | Registered: Aug 2010
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, February 7th (Friday)

I mean no disrespect (or not much anyhow) to your religion - and absolutely none to you - but if your religion is making you feel bad about standing up for yourself, and leaving a toxic situation, then it may be time to reconsider your religion. A religion should empower you during tough times (especially tough times not of your creation), not make you feel worse.

However, I am a self-proclaimed "fire-breathing atheist", which tends to colour every discussion I have involving religion. So please feel free to ignore me on this, and I apologize if I have offended you.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1685 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Oftencheatedon
Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Hopefully you can talk to someone within your faith that can help you.

I am a very conservative Christian. I did not save myself for marriage - but I waited months until we were engaged. I felt like I "had" to marry him because I'd slept with him. He cheated and cheated on me.

We did not marry because he eloped with someone else a couple of weeks before our big wedding. And then came back two months later begging me to take him back. I never looked back.

It's been years ago and I've gotten over it (although I will never like him even as a friend).

Even within the Catholic Church there is often ground for ending the marriage. I am not Catholic but my big non denominational church has classes for those getting divorced to help them get through it without feeling like big old sinners.

Even the bible says infidelity is grounds for divorce.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, February 7th (Friday)

I'm not a religious person and I still feel the same way. My kids are 5 years apart and I know that people think I'm the single mom with two kids from different fathers. Thankfully, my kids look a lot alike so that helps.

Also my DS was only 4 months old when XWH left us. I felt so trashy. I realize how stupid it is to feel that way though. I've always respected single moms as I was raised by one. I know that others respect us too.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 816 | Registered: Mar 2013
Harriet
Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, February 7th (Friday)

I have 3 kids, 2 fathers. Been married twice. Does that make me trashy?


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 389 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Marriage was not meant to keep us in bondage. I have some links that have been and still are of help to me in overcoming my religious hangups. Some have an abuse focus because, well, that's what I've gone through. I don't agree with everything on every one of these websites, but I feel as a whole they help reframe divorce for those of us who were raised with the "divorce is not an option" mindset.

http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/

http://www.leslievernick.com/

http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/resources/video-interviews-and-video-series/

http://josephjpote.com/2012/10/divorced-is-not-a-status/

http://www.notunderbondage.com/index.html


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9299 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Thanks all,
the funny thing is I don''t even really practice my religion anymore as I have found several holes in it. I still believe in God but not in the way the religions I''ve looked at sell it (I won''t elaborate cause the point is not a religious debate but PM me if you want to chat ). And I''m not ashamed when I tell others what happened, I am almost proud to say how many chances I gave him. I know no sane person would question my decision, my devout parents sure haven''t.

Though I do feel guilty sometimes about not sticking it out (for no good reason ) my hangup is mainly I guess the people who see me on the street and don''t know what happened. And those that only know a tiny piece of what happened. I guess I shouldn''t care but I don''t want them to look down on me. I''m African American too and have been spending all my life in predominately white circles trying to fight off stereotypes. The feeling I am having is the same reason I always get a bag when I leave the store because I don''t want anyone to think I stole anything It''s hard to explain. Maybe once I get less codependent or grow a spine or whatever I won''t give a damn

NIK and movingbackwards- thanks, I know you''re right

ruinedandbroken & newlysingle - I know what you mean about being able to say you have one father for your kids, it''s likt you don''t want to look like you sleep around...but it''s something you can''t always control either

pass- it''s not even my religion, which clearly allows for divorce due to infidelity, I guess I just don''t want to look bad or something to outsiders. BTW how can you KNOW something DOESN''T exist?

Oftencheatedon - that''s awful! So sorry! At least you escaped early!

Harriet - OMG I don''t think any of us intended any putdown, we were just talking about how we didn''t want to look like we were sleeping around and reproducing casually if you know what I mean. If I get extremely lucky I might end up in that position and have another child...but likely that''s something else that was taken from me

Nature_Girl - thanks for those links, definitely helps with those down moments where I feel bad for not staying. It''s sooooo true what the author says about making "Divorced" a status. That was one of the things I thought about when I decided not to leave the Snake after the first D-Day


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 935 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Harriet
Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

I wasn't offended. I meant it as a way to check your own thoughts about yourself - we judge ourselves much more harshly than we judge others, usually.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 389 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Harriet - oh good! Yeah for sure I am guilty of that!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 935 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

I am not religious. At all. Not atheist, but not religious in any sense of the word. Even still, I hated telling people I was D. I still hate filling out forms where they ask your marital status -- I am single but I am also D, so what should I check. And then a few months ago Dear Abby tells some poor reader that she is being dishonest by checking "Single" rather than "Divorced" on forms. Not that I put much stock in Dear Abby, but still WTH??

I think it is a societal thing more than a religious thing. And sometimes it bleeds into the lives of the kids (I won't thread jack, but DD has had some pretty bad experiences because her father choose to abandon her and not be present in her life)

I am not sure you ever really get past it. But I have learned to accept it and know that the people who judge me and/or DD are so very shallow and do not deserve any space in my head or my life.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

FWIW, I'm white and I honestly do not think "multiple fathers" when I see a black woman with more than one child, nor do I assume she's divorced or a slut or a druggie/hooker or any other thing. A person's marital status is just not something I think about, except if a man is looking at me for longer than a microsecond. I bet you that most people, white or otherwise, don't really give a rat's ass about your marital status at all.

I stayed with my ex in large part because I did not want to get divorced. I saw divorce as quitting. Failure. And by God I was not going to quit or fail. My ex used this against me over & over. He knew I wouldn't get divorced because he knew how passionate I was against it. I was SO extremely prideful. Oh my, so prideful.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9299 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Oh honey.

Us heathens also have things we cringe about.

My girls look COMPLETELY different. Like, one is lily white with blonde hair and blue eyes with the sad clowns goggly eyes and the rest of her face is mine - my little one is dark skinned, dark haired and dark eyed and is a mini-me except for his big box head (she'll grow out of it).

I am dark skinned with vitiligo so I have white white zero pigment skin over 80% of my body with dark hair and eyes. The sad clown is a weird anglo mix like one of those mutts - black thick eyebrows, light brown hair, ginger bits in his beard ugly boozer ruddy skin. Not loyal or loveable like a mutt, though.

My weird hangup? I think people think I had babies to two different men. Who gives a shit if I did? Nobody. Would it be bad if I did? Hell no. Yet I do wonder if people think that. I don't want them to think that. I used to think about it when I was married too - for some reason I think about it more now.

Just know you're not alone and start working on breaking that give a shit. The shame is not yours.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5433 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Hand up here.

Saved myself until marriage. Felt the same when I took my ring off.

But I''m also a theologian. And when I looked at my shame, I realised a couple of things, theologically(I know you may not believe this stuff, but it may help you to rationalise your FOO beliefs):

1. God gave us the gift of divorce. It''s there in the Bible. A gift from God to get out of a lousy marriage because God knows we mess up and that as we aren''t all knowing or mind readers.

2. Jesus gave that command about not divorcing, except for adultery,because it was being misused: Men were temporarily divorcing their wives to temporarily ''marry'' a prostitute while they slept with her So he told them to stop. He also told then that divorcing a woman in order to marry another was wrong....because of that issue.

3. Jesus said it was ok to divorce for adultery. We have nothing to be ashamed of. We''re allowed to D

4. What was Jesus reaction to a woman (of a supposedly ''inferior'' race, according to his society) he met who''d been married multiple times and was now just living with a partner? According to his society''s norms & expectations, he should shun her, not talk with her, not eat or drink with her (because eating & drinking with someone meant that you accepted them). Umm, well, he talked to her and asked her to give him a drink....Jesus shocked his disciples when they arrived & found him talking and drinking with her, but he didn''t care what they thought.


A lot of the ideas and judgement we or others put onto us, isn''t real, isn''t from God/Christianity. A lot of it is, basically, transference and blameshifting. God''s much more interested in us being real and authentic, than giving the right impression.

The whole law thing was given to help us learn right from wrong...and Jesus came because we ALL mess up and get it wrong. If we didn''t, there was no reason to come. Yet somehow, it seems like we think that we have to appear perfect. We don''t.

Now I know you have doubts about all this stuff, but it''s still affected a deep core of you. If you can reframe your childhood theology. then it may help deal with the shame, shame that is not yours, but put onto you by others.

It''s worked for me. I''m less worried about what people think, but it''s taken time and I''m still working on it.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 749 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

(((Hugs)))

For me, I have to learn to trust my own thoughts and feelings about things as being RIGHT and OK. When that happens, I won't worry about what everyone else thinks or feels about my situation.

I'm clearly not there yet as even thinking about saying the words, "my husband left me" , makes me feel like there is something wrong with ME. I feel humiliated by it somehow.

We need to learn to be confident in our choices as they relate to us and our situation and not worry about what strangers think. Our true friends will stand beside us.

And I agree with the others who stated that adultery is a biblically acceptable reason for divorce. I still don't want to do it and don't plan to (I'm hoping he doesn't change his mind about LS), but if I choose to do it, it's ok.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1692 | Registered: Aug 2013
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

pass- it''s not even my religion, which clearly allows for divorce due to infidelity, I guess I just don''t want to look bad or something to outsiders. BTW how can you KNOW something DOESN''T exist?

Hey, CL. I''m glad to hear you''re asking questions about your religion. Asking questions is how we gain knowledge and improve our lives, but like I said, my views are a little jaded.

It''s not that I KNOW it doesn''t exist. There is absolutely zero evidence that it does exist. The only "evidence" we have is a book of stories that were orally passed down through the generations before they were recorded. A lot of these stories are riddled with inconsistency, are similar to older stories about other gods, and are asking me to believe in a magic man in the sky.

I was raised Christian, but started questioning it when I was 4. It didn''t ring true, but I was expected to "just believe". I remember getting in trouble in Sunday School, at the age of 7, when I asked if "Love thine enemies" shouldn''t include loving Satan.

However, if someone ever provides scientific proof that there is a magic man in the sky, I will happily change my view to accept it.

Please don''t think I''m making fun of your belief. You''re going through a lousy time, so if believing makes your life easier, I certainly don''t want to shit on it.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1685 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

I''m not going to t/j this into a debate about God...

I think a lot of how we think others view us, comes from our fears & insecurities. Any one who judges us, has their own projected issues. Trouble is, that with the confidence battering that we''ve had, it''s hard to see that.

((hugs))


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 749 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Mom4ever
Member
Member # 40516
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

I don't think it's stupid at all. I am struggling with the fact that I filed for divorce so much. 3 years ago when I got the ILYBIMILWY speech, I dug my heels in and fought it. I told him I would never agree to or sign anything to give him a divorce. I was determined to "stand" for my marriage. I insisted on pastoral counseling. Well, he finally conceded and we went a few times together. I never found proof that there was someone else and I did look very hard. I did have suspicions though. But I really put myself under the microscope and started working on me. I was going to change the things about me that he didn't like. Honestly, there were things about me that needed changing. I needed to face some FOO issues. I did grow. I did become closer to my God. I thought my marriage was better. He quit complaining. But I realize now that I also ignored my gut a lot. There were still areas that I just didn't deal with. Of course, I was a little busy working full-time and raising 3 kids. Background, I was raised by a single mom. My parents divorced when I was 2. I never had a relationship with my father. But all of that to say, I didn't know what a healthy home life looked like. I tried to "fix" everything. I got everyone up, breakfast fixed, ready for school, take to school, and then go to work, arranged for kids after school, get off work, pick up kids, take to practices or whatever, feed dinner, do homework, put to bed.... STBXH worked away from home a lot, in fact most of our marriage. When he was home, he did help some, a practice some here and there, more if he liked that activity, and homework only rarely if he just had to. I always was the one to take off with sick ones and take to the doctor and care for them. Don't get me wrong, I was very blessed to always have a job that allowed me to be able to do this. I wanted to be the one. In his credit, STBXH always was a hard worker and a good provider. When he was home he did the outside stuff and always made sure it was done. And he would help some inside with a little cleaning and laundry occasionally and could handle himself in the kitchen. But it was mainly me. I never took time to see couples who had a true partner.... Someone to stand by their side and help each other. I just always was the good little girl. I went from my mothers home and doing what she told me to do to my husbands home and doing what he told me to do. Even when he wasn't home he would tell me what and how to take care of things and I would do as I was told. I too saved myself for marriage. My STBXH is the only man I have ever been with. We met when I was 16 and I only ever dated him. I guess I am just so literal. I take things very serious. I waited till I got married for sex, I graduated college before I got married, we waited four years to have our first child, I never quit working and helped provide for our family. I feel like I tried to do everything the right way. I never ever even considered looking outside of our marriage. It just wasn't even a consideration. No, I wasn't always happy, but it wasn't about me. I had a family. But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to make him happy. When his work was finally closer to home the last 9 years or so he just never fully connected in. He was always outside doing something or on his computer or running around taking care of things. Sorry for rambling but my kids have pointed out to me that in some respects some things haven't changed. I am still the one taking care of everything, just not him and without his constant criticism. I guess I am also trying to say that one person can't do it all or make it work. You only wear yourself down. I was completely depleted at the end. I didn't even know who I was or what I wanted or needed. I am just figuring some of it out. I think maybe God was trying to show me that I had STBXH placed first in my heart and as the love of my life and that's the place God wanted in my life. Yes, I believe God hates divorce, but I also believe that God does not want a child of His to live in abuse of any sort (physical, emotional, financial, verbal, etc.). Sometimes it can't be fixed because God gives each of us free choice and we can't make our spouses choice for them. We have to live with their decision and God still loves us and will help us do just that. He will always be with us and guide us. And that might just be guiding us through divorce. Again, I'm sorry. I'm obviously still working through a lot of guilt. A website that also helped me was:
http://embarrassthealligator.com/?page_id=1073


BW - me 43
WH - 45
M - 22.5 yrs
D-Day - 6/13/2013
2 DS and 1 DD
Divorcing
There are some things that "sorry" just doesn't fix... But I never even got a "sorry."

Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southeast
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

Dreamboat - thanks you''re right I am giving strangers too much headspace

Nature_Girl - I needed to hear this:

I bet you that most people, white or otherwise, don''t really give a rat''s ass about your marital status at all.
and you cruelly hit the NAIL on the HEAD. I am PRIDEFUL!!!! That''s the root of everything I think. I just want to be able to say I succeeded on all fronts and raised 2.5 kids and was married for 50 years whatever the cost. I am so full of pride that choking down his shit feels better than letting outsiders know how unhappy I was? How did you defeat your pride?

SBB - you know how I feel then even as a heathen ! Sorry to hear about the vitiligo

Softcentre - thanks for the history. Sometimes I wonder if life was better when most people didn''t divorce no matter what or if divorce is really a gift. I think about the "hardness of your hearts" statement and wonder if my heart is being to hard if you know what I mean.en have been cheating forever and only recently have we started divorcing them for it...

(((nekorb))) I hope things work out. May we both accept our realities!

pass - not going to t/j...not going to t/j....but my reasons are actually based in science....not going to t/j...
Religion is man made and largely a farce but God is physics...not going to t/j

Mom4ever - I can totally identify with you! I definitely went from trying to be the good little daughter to the good wife and mother and have shouldered most of the burden of caring for the household and my son, all the while trying to please my narcissistic hubby. Truth be told I''m not even sure if I know what I want out of life cause in so wrapped up in trying to please everyone else. Ugh!!! This year I''m gonna find myself.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 935 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

Sometimes I wonder if life was better when most people didn''t divorce no matter what or if divorce is really a gift. I think about the "hardness of your hearts" statement and wonder if my heart is being to hard if you know what I mean.en have been cheating forever and only recently have we started divorcing them for it...

Actually, historically it''s only relatively recently that women were legally able to initiate divorce proceedings. And for a long time it was only for adultery...and they had to be caught in the act etc. So as we all know, it was very difficult to prove unless they admitted it. Whereas men were able to divorce their wives for millennia and much more easily AND keep the children. Then the wives would be destitute because there was no alimony & they were viewed as spoiled/shamed. So women simply had to suck it up and work very hard to stay married. Ugh!

Now it is true that it seems that some people are quite blase about divorce, some people seem to just want out without having to work at a M. But it''s different when infidelity is involved. There''s no easy way out of a M affected by infidelity, whether it''s R or D...it''s all hard work for the BS.

But only we who are in this horrid club really understand that. Find some friends who do. I''ve been ''adopted'' by an older lady who went through this years ago. She''s amazing and helps me keep my head held high. No-one thinks badly of her at all, in fact, she is well respected...and she went through it when it was much harder, culturally.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 749 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

I cannot be of service to others if I am not open about the path I've walked. I am strongly convicted, even more (now that I've lived with deceit) than ever before, to be open & honest with my life. I strongly identify with the major fuck-ups in the Bible. The people who totally screwed up? God used them to serve a higher purpose. So, I have clearly royally screwed up. The word my kids use would be "Epic, Mom". I am an epic screw up, but I have learned and continue to learn. By being open I can allow God to work in my life and turn my pain into a blessing.

Pride kept me living in sin (by tolerating my ex's debauchery & addiction & abuse) for far too long, and in fact my pride harmed my children (by exposing them to his uncontrolled anger & wrath). I won't let that happen again.

And you know what else? At church it is well known that I'm divorced and why (because I've refused to hide it). You would not believe the number of women who have privately caught me after church when everyone is mingling and quietly pulled me aside to confide what's happening in her life (or her sister, mother, bestie, whatever). I've had people confide in me their drug addiction & alcoholism. My church is not a mega-big church, so word gets around. One of the lay pastors who is a 20-something year sober alcoholic asked me to help form a support group for people who are recovering from addictions, abuse and other extreme hardships. I couldn't be a part of something like that if I'd hid the truth of my life.

I truly do not want to be perceived as someone who is unapproachable. People don't feel comfortable approaching someone who they think is going to judge them or can't understand their hardships. The disasters of my life, the cracks in my soul, they are what make me human and compassionate. If I am going to be Christ's hands & feet, if I'm going to serve as we are commanded to do, then I have to be open about my life. Right?

My ex's shame is not my shame. I screw up enough on my own. I'll deal with my own guilt & problems. He did what he did, I divorced him, I'm moving on. I am a new creation, aren't I?

So are you.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9299 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

I truly do not want to be perceived as someone who is unapproachable. People don''t feel comfortable approaching someone who they think is going to judge them or can''t understand their hardships. The disasters of my life, the cracks in my soul, they are what make me human and compassionate. If I am going to be Christ''s hands & feet, if I''m going to serve as we are commanded to do, then I have to be open about my life. Right?

That''s exactly how I feel. There are those who have felt embarrassed on my behalf and would like me to feel like that, but I refuse to hide what''s going on. I want something good to come out of all this. Thanks for putting it into words


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 749 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Have you considered attending DivorceCare? It is offered by many churches. Check the website here: www.divorcecare.org

It is a wonderful support group, and it might help you with some of the things you are dealing with.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7781 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
GotPlayed
Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

careerlady, sent you PM.

The divorcecare class at the church I attend starts Monday, and I''m signed up (well there are no signups as they don''t want to keep records for obvious reasons). Can''t wait, really need the support.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 582 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Mom4ever
Member
Member # 40516
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

((Careerlady)) I understand the shame. But there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Know that the shame is coming from the enemy. I took my rings off after DDay eight months ago. My hand felt so weird and naked. My ring finger still has a very obvious indention around it. It's not dis colored, but it's just a groove that is not going away. It's clear that rings have been there a very very long time. What I think I want to do as soon as I have the money is buy me a nice mothers ring to wear on that finger. My husband does not have that place in my life or heart. My kids are my focus and priority. I just don't have the money to get a mothers ring yet. I have been looking tho. That will put a ring back on that finger, it will cover up the indention on that finger, and each time I look down and see it I can think of my three precious gifts from God that I would not have had if not for going through all of this with my STBXH. And as I'm sure we would all agree, I would do it again just so I could have them.

I get a devotional emailed to me daily. And I would like to share the one I got on Valentines Day. It has really struck me obviously since I'm still thinking about it a week later. It's Isaiah 54:5-6. "For your Maker is your husband - the LORD Almighty is His name - the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit - a wife who married young, only to be rejected, says your God." I so needed that last Friday and have thought on it all week. I am not alone and my kids are not alone. I have and always will have Him as my husband and my kids will have Him as a father. This scenario has been going on for as long as time has... couple falls in love and marries very young, they have children, etc., but then after the wife spends her life caring for this man and the children they have been given, this man just decides to walk away... The wife is blindsided and deserted and feels abandoned and rejected. So this is nothing new. God has been dealing with it for a very long time and He knows how to handle it. He will take care of us wives and our children. And I don't mean to leave the betrayed husbands out. He will take care of us all. I just was so struck by this devotional. It spoke to me and maybe it will bring some comfort to someone else. It basically told me He has seen all of this before, He will take care of me, He knows what He is doing, and it's not my fault. I guess that was the big one. I have been struggling with the guilt of "divorce", the thing God declares He hates, that's what I filed for... But getting this was like Him saying it's ok, this has been happening for a long time, you didn't do this, you had this done to you, and I will see you through it.


BW - me 43
WH - 45
M - 22.5 yrs
D-Day - 6/13/2013
2 DS and 1 DD
Divorcing
There are some things that "sorry" just doesn't fix... But I never even got a "sorry."

Posts: 94 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southeast
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Buy a different ring for the left hand. It will be YOUR ring and people won't know if it is a wedding band, or not. Make the picking out, and deciding, an enjoyable experience for you.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Mom4eve - thanks for sharing that verse. I needed that today.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1692 | Registered: Aug 2013
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I have been going to DivorceCare since Dec 18th, 2013. We had a few weeks off due to weather. I'm learning a lot from it. I am also on-line with COSA (a 12 step program to help me heal from STBX's SA). I also just joined Recovery Nation. I'm also in IC.

I am bound and determined to come out of this a better person. I have become passive/aggressive in response to STBX's behaviors. Now I have to stop that behavior and recover.

I agree with Nature Girl about using this time in my life to help others. I'm totally open with people about what is going on. As my friend who initially helped me after D-Day#1 said "You will be OK, whether you D or R, you will be able to use your experience to witness." I fully believe there is a reason for all things. I don't care if you call it Karma, Divine Provenance or sheer coincidence. All things that work for good are good!

I had issues with D. I was also prideful, D was not happening to me, not in my lexicon. That was when I thought my STBX had the same conviction and morality. Obviously that is not true. He lacks a moral compass !!


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

GotPlayed - how did you find this old post? I''m grateful for the new additions though! My schedule is so erratic it''s hard to go anywhere regularly though. I looked into one in my area and it''s on Sundays. On Sundays I am either caring for DS or working.

Mom4ever - that''s a beautiful sentiment and your faith is inspiring! I like the idea of a mother''s ring!

Alphakite- you know I keep vacillating about getting a ring for that finger. When I still had my wedding ring on but had already filed for D I regretted it''s presence when I saw a cute guy not that I''m anywhere near dating but I dunno about closing the door for decent men, heehee (although getting one would keep me honest). Maybe I''ll look around and see if a ring catches my eye. I''ve got like 3 from this marriage too thanks to D Days

Bab61- I somehow feel better knowing others were as prideful as I have been (still am?). Anyone I have told about the marriage so far I make sure they know he''s a serial cheater who I gave multiple chances to. But I know I''m telling them so I can show how seriously I took my marriage, not because I''m shameless and trying to help others, so I need to get to a different head space on that



Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 935 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Topic Posts: 31