User Topic: Husband went out. 180 advice?
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Okay so my husband went out tonight with his friends to drink. I know your supposed to act like you don't care. So should I not text or call him while he's out? And just see what time he comes home?

I haven't gone out at all since he cheated because I wanted to work on reconciliation. But he has gone out 3 times. Dday was Jan 2.

I just don't know what I should do? Any advice?

[This message edited by EB1541 at 11:54 PM, February 7th (Friday)]

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

180 isn't just about acting. It's about training yourself to be the person in this relationship that you want and need to be.

My blunt advice would be to consult an attorney about your rights and next steps. You say that you are contemplating divorce. He is disrespecting you terribly. So why are we having this conversation in the Reconciliation forum? I know that having a little one makes this so complicated, but you want the father of your children to show you some baseline respect, which you are NOT getting.

180 means taking back your energy and your power. Don't just pretend like you don't care - you need to GET to that point. You shouldn't be in R if you're the only one there. You're giving him so much leeway - it doesn't sound like he's just going to magically come around. I'm so sorry, EB. You gotta take care of YOU now.


[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:04 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17822 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Thank you Jrazz! I guess I need to just face the facts that he isn't going to change. He says he wants to R. But doesn't show it.

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

It's easy advice to hand out, but I know how hard it is to look your kid in the face and try to figure out what the hell you're supposed to do here.

I bumped a couple threads in JFO that will hopefully help you, if you haven't read them already:

Understanding the 180

Before you say Reconcile

You don't have to make any big decisions right now. Just take everything in little steps. You are going to be ok! (((EB)))

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17822 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Im not in the perfect place yet in my R. However my F is a musician. He has all together stopped doing shows at these nightclubs out here to make me feel more comfortable. I must say though, we had about 3 false R and a lot of TT for years. During that time he was still having numerous PA with his "groupies" It wasnt until he had an OC with one of them that he finally came around. IMO he should be giving you time to heal. This doesnt mean that he is necessarily doing anything wrong but I would voice your concerns. Sit down one good time with him and MAKE him talk to you, if he doesnt then maybe hes really not ready to R. If you need anything im here. Like i said my F is a musician and ive had to deal with the "going out" thing for a while!!

Posts: 271 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Why are you supposed to act like you don't care?

You need to stop worrying about him. You need to decide if him going out so frequently is something you are willing to accept. If you are, then there isn't a problem. If you aren't you need to tell him that you will not accept this. If he won't stop, you have your answer.

Your boundaries are what you need, not his compliance. It doesn't sound like you know if his going out is ok or not. If it's not, then tell him. Don't fight, don't beg or plead. Just tell him that it's not acceptable. If he won't change, the ball is in your court.

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

(((Hugs))) am angry for that''s all I can offer without going a bit off the deep end about his lack of honest interest in repairing the damage he''s done.

Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
New Member
Member # 41682
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, February 8th (Saturday)


I don't have much to say about the 180, but I wanted to share with you my experiences with a SO that goes out.

After d-day last march, WBF did not go out for weeks, even months, unless 1) I was with him or 2) I gave him permission. Other than that, he spent every weekend with me, scarified his buddies for rebuilding our relationship, etc.

Now that it's almost a year later, he goes out, but it's either 1) with me or 2) updating me throughout the night. Without asking, I'll get texts from him telling me where he is with his buddies, what they're doing tonight, etc. Sometimes I express that I don't feel comfortable with it, and he'll come home immediately.

This is coming from an extremely remorseful WBF. It doesn't sound like your H is committing to R. Gone out three times since d-day? He should have been with you 24/7 to try and make it work.

You shouldn't have to act like you "don't care" otherwise he won't care either. I was on my boyfriend's ass about him going out, so he knew just how much he had hurt me. His infidelity affected not only our relationship and myself, but his social life as well.

Good luck.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Sorry, "Going out with friends to drink?"
Um, no. Not in my world. That's not 180-ing, that is just being a grown up -- And a parent -- And a husband. And for a wayward, just 1+ month out? Noooo.

Aim higher, honey.

Sorry I am so blunt, but for me that is just not acceptable behavior.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:39 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

My WH will never "just" go out to drink with friends. Ever. And he''s fine with that. It''s the two of us or neither of us.

If he''s not trying to R with you, then you need to stop acting and start putting the principals of the 180 into full effect for YOU and YOU alone. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 10