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User Topic: What hurts more the lying or the actual cheating?
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Member # 42402
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

If the lying and actual cheating made up 100% of your pain........what percentages would you assign to each?

I'll start.

70% Lying.
30% Actual cheating.

How about you?

Me 38
WS 36
OW Co-worker
A lasted 2 years total
DDay #1 1-3-13
DDay #2 4-15-13
D 1-10-14

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

80% lying
20% cheating

I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched

Posts: 209 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

60% lying
40% cheating

Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

99% lying, 1% cheating.

I cared about the physical act because what it implied about the mental state.

Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 843 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

90% Lying
10% Cheating

I think initially it was the cheating, but it was quickly overrun by the lying.

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 411 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Member # 39471
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

100% Lying.

Without lying, it's not cheating. Honest, mutually agreed upon open relationships don't constitute cheating.

Just because my husband didn't speak the lie to my face (before Dday - there was plenty of that during false R) didn't mean he wasn't lying. When he left the marriage emotionally, and didn't bother to tell me, that was the beginning of the lie.

I thought I was in a marriage. He acted as if he wasn't. That was the lie.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 42301
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

99% lying
1 %

I can be convinced OP long gone, but it's hard convince myself that the lying is over.

While I'm "new" to SI, I'm not "new" to "Surviving Infidelity."
4+ yrs post-DDay
17+ M
R is long and hard.
'The cloudiest skies do make the prettiest sunsets'

Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

the cheating is really bad and hurts me alot but the lies are worse, by far. they make me doubt everything ever in our marriage. they make me wonder what is true and what wasnt/isnt. they make me doubt her.

me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 1:49 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

I was just going to start this out saying I'm different and it is probably 95% for the cheating, 5% for the lying. But when expressing my thoughts, I changed my mind somewhat so I'm rewriting the whole thing.

Lying about cheating is a special kind of lie, different than other lies and can't be completely separated into a compartment like that IMO. As far as lying in general, I feel all humans lie or say things in a way (or don't say them) to decieve sometimes, even people who claim 100% honesty do this sometimes IMO.

100% Lying.
Without lying, it's not cheating.
This is a quote I hear a lot and while I agree to some extent that lying about cheating could not occur if one was not cheating.

With all that said, when it comes to love, I am a very selfish woman and will not share. This is the reason I was going to consider assigning a much higher percent to the actual cheating (acts with OW, talking affectionate talk with her, giving her affection that belongs to me, the feelings involved, etc.) is because I can't bear to think of my man giving any of himself to another woman in that way. If he was "honest" about his desire and intent to do so, I cannot imagine that would make me feel a whole lot better about it.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 1:53 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]

Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

For me, the lying is worse.

Probably 80% lying, 20% cheating.

I think had I not found out on my own and my ws came to me and said "I fucked up and I'm sorry" instead of seeing that look on his face that I know is lying when I first confronted him, for me, it would be easier to forgive.

Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

In terms of sheer agony, the cheating hurt worst, to me.

But the lying is what ended my marriage. It was the most intolerable, long-term.

I could have gotten past the cheating. The lack of respect and responsibility reflected by the lying just killed everything.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8857 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 42140
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

while the thought of the physical acts makes me sick to my stomach, the constant thought of betrayal is overwhelming at times. I am think my WW wants to reconcile but I am having such a hard time with the broken trust issue. I feel my giving total trust to WW was used against me. I have always made sure WW had my passwords and such and never even questioned her on anything. I dont know if I will ever be able to do that again.

BH-46 (me)
First Dday-2/09
Sec Dday-1/14
Married 17 yrs. Together 26

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NJ
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Id have to say 90% lying 10% cheating. Although the physical aspect bothers me its all the lies that led to that act. It feels like for the 6 months they were in contact that our marriage was all a sham. Im now struggling with whether I can stay or even trust him again. Its almost to much for a brain to handle.


Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

For me, it's impossible to separate the two. The whole thing is one ugly, mind-bending series of acts. I couldn't say which was worse, because they are the same thing.

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Actual DDay, it was cheating. During the 6 months between Dday1 and Dday2, it was the lying.

Me: BS (58)
Him: WS (58)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
Married 29 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1069 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
Member # 41568
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

At this point I have to agree with Painfulpast..Although that could always change as I move further along..

Be careful who you trust. Even your shadow will abandon you when it's dark.....

Divorced 6/13/14

Posts: 118 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

I'm tempted to say 100% lying and 0% cheating. In my case, though, the sex part of it has lifelong consequences. Otherwise, I could get past the PA. Now I have no idea what the %'s would be. It will take a lifetime to find out.

Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Totally agree with this

I could have gotten past the cheating

But the lying, lying, lying has really made it so much worse.

60% Lying
40% Cheating.

Now he just lies to himself.

Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995

Posts: 232 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

100% Lying

If my WW had gone to Vegas without me for whatever reason, had to much to drink, gotten screwed by some guy, come home, shown true remorse, and assured me it would never happen again, I could get over that. That's a HUGE mistake, but it's forgivable.

But lying to my face time and time again, only admitting (sort of) to what I could prove, making my feel crazy, and consciously choosing to do all of it, I can't get over that. The sex was just part of the lying. If you can't trust them at all, who cares who they're sleeping with.

Many of our WS's had sex before we met them. It may bother us, but we don't hold it against them. So, it's not the sex that bothers us, it's their mental state as it regards to us that bothers us.

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

95% lying. 5% cheating.

I know that the cheating is not occurring anymore, but I still see him as a dishonest, untrustworthy person and that's the thing that has me in limbo.

You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

At the time of the Discovery,I guess about 60% the sex, 40% the lying because I could SEE (mentally- and what a shock) the sex --and there was lot's of it. But fast thereafter, it's that you were valued at a lie. More livid than the sex, the memory of I what I actually saw, her to me ever beautiful face, looking me full in the eyes,smiling --and lying, many times. I can't even today "compute" that image. I can't understand it.The sex-- we had great sex, the uncondoned sex is the least of it, the lies 90%-hardest thing to get over and forgive.When I had never lied to her.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

For me the lying for sure because I caught him lying not once but at least 4 times before DDay. Found him on confronted, got off site. Month later found he was on Confronted and MOVED OUT. We talked and I came back. Then the lying kicker that brought DDay. He made a date in a city he was going on business to with and EA partner that I found out had been going on all of the 16 months we had been together. Then when he does NC with her I find another EA woman that he was trying to shake off. She didn't get the hint until I e mailed her myself and told her to back off. He lied to them too, they didn't know about me. Lies lies lies lies .... And I still look at him some days and wonder who he really is .......

Me: 56
Him: 60
Together 2 1/2 years

Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013

Posts: 201 | Registered: Sep 2013
New Member
Member # 42382
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Definitely the lying. I have caught WH in lies even about the most random, unimportant things in the past. I always wondered if he was lying about stupid, little things what big things could he be hiding? Guess now I know. As I have learned more details I think it has been most damaging that he has lied or covered things until directly confronted about specifics all along the way. In my case the PA occurred years ago, I am only learning about it now because of the EA (if that's what it was). It's the lying my that has my focus right now.

Me = BS
Dday EA? (texting/chatting) 1/18/14
Dday PA (from 5 years ago) 2/3/14
Married 15 years, 3 DC

Posts: 11 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Its the lying of someone you have trusted with your life originally. If the lies didn't exist, neither would the affair.

Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

To me it is one in the same. Both hurt fully 100 percent to me.

Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1086 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

They hurt me in completely different ways. The reality of the act grosses me out...potentially put my health at risk...indicated a lack of concern for my feelings...took away some of what was special about us...he shared a part of himself that I thought was mine and mine alone. The lies made me not trust him...his ability to be honest with me. I think the act itself would be easier to deal with emotionally if I could approach it as a mistake of epic proportions as opposed to a conscious decision to lie repeatedly and with intent....the lies are what truly endangers our ability to rebuild. So with regard to the pain caused...probably 50/50...with regard to the impact on our future...90% lies and 10% cheating?

Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

90/10 seems a bit much, 80/20 seems about right. I'll go with 85/15 lying/cheating.

ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Both hurt to the core equally.

But the continued TT'ing was prolonged torture and torment on top of infidelity hell.

Posts: 7593 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

The betrayal and disrespect is what has caused me the most pain. The cheating came first then the lying and deceiving followed close behind.

Cheating 51 Lying 49

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Honestly, I would say its 50/50 for me...... but its also hard to say.
I also think the type of cheating it is plays a big factor in this as well, are there emotions involved, is it a long term A....etc.

"A tree falls the way it careful which way you lean"

Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Both, as they did it on purpose to fulfill their own selfish needs and fool us in the process.

Posts: 2175 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

My husband has abandoned me many times in our marriage. To me, his cheating was just another abandonment. (It was emotional not physical so that may be why I think this way.) The abandonment hurt a lot because our family was going through hell and he took the easy way out so he would'nt have to deal with it but he could still look like he was "an involved parent." That is typical of him though. He hasn't cheated before but when the going gets rough, which happens in every relationship at times, he finds a way to disconnect emotionally and runaway while looking like he is there.

The lying is the worst part for me. Because of his lies, I cannot trust him with anything. I doubt his word no matter what comes out of his mouth. He showed himself to be very good at not only lying to me, to our friends, family and counselors but especially to himself. He still lies to himself constantly. I see it clearly now. I don't believe most of what he says anymore. I don't respect him. I am not safe with him if I let myself trust. I am not sure how we will be able to have more than a friendly relationship from here on out. He is going to counseling, so he could become aware of what he is doing. So far, he hasn't but as long as he is going, there is hope.

If we end our marriage, the lying will be what causes the death of our marriage more than the cheating. The cheating has stopped. The lying has not.

Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

50% lying
50% cheating

His cheating wasn't just physical, though that is bad enough. It's the I love you's, and the depth of their EA that hurt me the most. Knowing that while I was still very much in love with him, he was falling in love with someone else.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 919 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

80 o/o lying, 20 o/o cheating. It's hard for me because as others said there were lies about so many things. Some of them just weren't important enough to even lie about, then the big things he lied about just make me sick. It's like his first response is to lie, what would make a person do that.? He also turns every discussion around and attacks me. We have rarely in 35 years ever resolved a single issue, I think the lying all plays into the inability to communicate and resolve problems.
I don't think I know who he is because of the basic dishonesty.
Physical cheating sucks but not quite like the dishonesty that makes you crazy

Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
New Member
Member # 42306
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Hmm. Can I say both?

The lying hurts more, definitely. If it was just sex, not emotional attachment, I could understand it more. A one night stand would be painful, but a real live relationship - and all the lies of omission that were involved - is what stings the most.

But I think the cheating (sex) definitely hurts. After reading texts and seeing super special photos of her anatomy, there are things I can no longer imagine doing with my husband. Ever. Certain acts that were part of our regular routine, closed for business. I just don't know how I could ever be intimate with him again after knowing that he's been screwing a younger, smaller, prettier woman. How would he not be comparing?

I can definitely imagine running out and sleeping with a hotter man with a larger penis and then sending him a photo, however. Very unladylike, wouldn't ever actually do it, but I can imagine doing it.

Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting

Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Finding out that he cheated was so incredibly painful, I saw him as weak but I still thought I loved him. Unraveling all the lies made me realize I didn't even know him, the man I loved never really existed.

The lies all the way!

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4135 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
New Member
Member # 42006
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Definitely the lies, because it snow balled and led to learning of many lies, some of which would have not mattered. It has made me question the foundation of our marriage and whether my feelings and what I wanted EVER mattered to her. I know she would have continued the lie had she not slipped up and had I not pushed. The TT was more lies and continued to show a lack of respect for me and what I wanted. It's sad to realized the person y loved and trust more than anyone ever before could lie, hurt you so badly and keep information from that she believed would effect a major life decision for you at a time when you had the rest of your life ahead of you. It sucks to know that this person actually need up being the one who betrayed and hurt y in the worst way imagineable.

That being said, the cheating still hurts but not the same degree. It hurts more so because I wonder if making love to me really meant anything to her then if she could jump into bed with a total stranger she had just met and had no intentions of dating.

It just sucks!

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2014
New Member
Member # 42006
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Definitely the lies, because it snow balled and led to learning of many lies, some of which would have not mattered. It has made me question the foundation of our marriage and whether my feelings and what I wanted EVER mattered to her. I know she would have continued the lie had she not slipped up and had I not pushed. The TT was more lies and continued to show a lack of respect for me and what I wanted. It's sad to realized the person y loved and trust more than anyone ever before could lie, hurt you so badly and keep information from that she believed would effect a major life decision for you at a time when you had the rest of your life ahead of you. It sucks to know that this person actually need up being the one who betrayed and hurt y in the worst way imagineable.

That being said, the cheating still hurts but not the same degree. It hurts more so because I wonder if making love to me really meant anything to her then if she could jump into bed with a total stranger she had just met and had no intentions of dating.

It just sucks!

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 42148
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

The betrayal was initially more painful, but the lying was more damaging. I think I've healed from the cheating more than I ever will from the lying. And even though cheating is lying, when it went from lies of omission to looking me in the eyes and lying. .......I just don't know if I'll ever get over that.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

For me the year of false R and hysterical bonding did more damage than anything. It was far easier to process that exW had gone out of the marriage, fell in love, and gotten herself into that situation. I can understand that. What I can't get is how she dealt with me while she was trickle-truthing me. She was mean, protective of OM, and basically turned into an incredibly hostile person. She became someone I didn't know. And the HB on top of it, was part of a system that kept me thinking there was some hope. I really hit the bottom trying to make it work. Finally, MC told her she needed to give me a divorce and that allowed me to let go.

But processing that year of what I call abuse has been the most difficult to resolve these past 3 years. It's pretty easy to understand how a series of bad choices made during the difficult child rearing years of marriage can lead to infidelity and divorce. What is harder for me to understand is how someone can take all of the negative energy and soul searching associated with that choice and impose it on the person they married to make their own pain go away. That is more nefarious. I understand the same need to protect themselves, I get that, but that a person could do it, and show no remorse for it, ever, kills me.

Fortunately she has come around and doesn't treat me like that any more. She has never shown remorse or apologized or anything, but at least she's civil. I feel, deep down, these are all self preservation techniques people do when they simply cannot deal with what they have done - so they pretend it never happened. In the end, it was easier for me to accept that than to fight it. And that has allowed me to move on.

me - 41 BH

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
Member # 40664
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

I agree with jpumkin.. The sexual & emotional betrayal is more painful, but the lies are more damaging. Lying while looking directly in the eyes of a crushed BS is just selfish & cruel.

BW - 46 (me)
WH - 48 Ladyslove
Don't know if I can live with it.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Would be interesting to take the time to average male/female responses on this. I'm surprised many males actually hate the lying more than the cheating:

For me 2% lying 98% cheating.

Another thing I hate. Being a male victim on this board, seems to be a considerable minority here. The shit just never ends, eh?

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 6:51 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
New Member
Member # 41940
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

I'm going to add that I was hurt more by my WS blaming me for the breakdown of the marriage and for her affair as a result.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Yeah, the emotional rape and sex aspect hurts to the core as a man, but what ended my M with absolute certainty and conviction, was the lying with malice, namely the extreme gaslighting of me.

MY exWW POS bitch wantonly, and with such ease made me look completely crazy in the eyes of my poor DD many times... For the endless emotional suffering she laid upon my DD, allowing her to live in agony because of her soul destroying choices of a true COWARD, she can rot in hell. I hate her for that, and feel no shame/guilt in saying it.

D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...

Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
New Member
Member # 41229
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

It's not a zero-sum game. For me, it's 100% cheating and 100% percent calculated deception; either one is unacceptable.

BS 42
WW 41
married 15, together 17
no children
D-day 7/31/13
WW had a 20-month EA/PA
Status: separated and divorcing

Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

I can accept that the cheating was a bad decision (note, I didn't say a mistake).
However, the lying on top of it? That just compounds the bad decision exponentially.

So for me:
Cheating: 15%
Lies: 85%

Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.

Posts: 6541 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, February 10th (Monday)

WH didn't have a PA or ever tell the OW he loved them so the cheating wouldn't have been that painful. It was all the emotional and psychological abuse that hurt the most. Not only lying, but the gaslighting and accusations against me as well. I was so busy defending myself and feeling guilty that I couldn't see what he was doing. So much abuse to cover up something so insignificant.

99% emotional abuse
1% cheating

Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 41139
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, February 10th (Monday)

I think I was closer to 50/50 early on, but I'm probably about 85 lying, 15 cheating right now. The lying is so difficult, but I'm still pretty hurt by the actions as well, and more so the emotional part then the physical part.

BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, February 10th (Monday)

About 50/50 for me.

The cheating/sex was worse to think about at first. I might have been able to get over that part with time and remorse. The lying is what made me end it file for D.

[This message edited by Decimated at 11:43 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, February 10th (Monday)

What hurts more the lying or the actual cheating?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 42198
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, February 10th (Monday)

The lying is about 90% for me. He still hasn't admitted to anything that I haven't confronted him with. It makes me wonder how much more I don't know.

ME: 35
WBF: 44
Together 11 years
DDay: 1/12/14
DDay2: 3/28/14

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ohio
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, February 10th (Monday)

80% lying
20% cheating
It all hurts beyond compare though..

I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo

Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 40669
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, February 10th (Monday)

90% lying and continued lying, 10% cheating

I would also say my anger was also caused more by the lying than the actual affair.

Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
3 kids 12,10,8

Posts: 127 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Honolulu
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, February 16th (Sunday)

I do believe I could have forgiven (in time) the physical cheating. But the lies? For so long? With me literally sobbing in front of her begging her to stop? Never. And of course logically, the cheating IS lying so....


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, February 16th (Sunday)

Isn't it the same? Can't have one without the do you get past it?

Posts: 127 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
New Member
Member # 42298
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, February 16th (Sunday)

my feelings are in this order

betray of trust, lying, the home wrecking (my home and the OM's home), everything else, the actual cheating.

this order may be because my father had an A and he and my mom got D recently.

2/1/14 11pm.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: New York
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Lying or lack of telling me everything = 99%
Cheating 1%

DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

What really broke my heart was the EA, not the PA. What broke my spirit, my trust, my entire belief system was the DAMN LIES and TT. So, for me the lies are so much worse than the A. IMO lies are a bigger betrayal because it's directed at YOU. I am still grieving over the lies my WH has told me. I will never be the same again because of them.

BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person

Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I may have been able to get over the cheating.
I won't get over the lying.

Doesn't help he's still lying!

"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."

I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 41992
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

For me, it was the lying. I don't think I can ever forget the lies.

BW- me
WH - him
married over 25 years

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Lying hurts as you have no idea at the time and still wonder in your head are you right to believe him, cheating makes me feel sick and pulls me to pieces. But the two together still haunt my every waking moment and it is all i can think when does it get easier, 5 months and i think i feel more nervous even though he says all is ok with us...anyone got any ideas..trying to think differently but as yet cannot..want to see into the future that all is good now with us for ever...

me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
Topic Posts: 61