Just Found Out
User Topic: How long after WS A began B/4 U noticed something wasn't right ?
New Member
Member # 42402
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

How long after you WS'S A began before you suspected something just wasn't right in your WS actions or demeanor ?

What specific actions prompted your belief or suspicion that something may be wrong?

One month into A, I began to notice something was always on EX H mind and he was more preoccupied in his own "world".

When I asked my EX H what was going on he always said it was from work stress.

After DDay, I found out that my ex was suffering from guilt.

Me 38
WS 36
OW Co-worker
A lasted 2 years total
DDay #1 1-3-13
DDay #2 4-15-13
D 1-10-14

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 41782
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

My wife was getting text messages from her co-worker OM (who I didn't suspect at all) after hours. I was assured it was all work related however now I know differently.

I even called her out on it a few times and she laughed it off.

I'm still angry at myself (and her) for me missing the warning signs, and her casual regular betrayal.

Forgive the unforgivable, or bear the unbearable.

Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13

Posts: 138 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Hurthalo - happened to me (many of us) too... ''''Innocent texts from a colleague'''' is wayward code for cheating....

It took me over a year to put together that something was wrong... Took another six months to confront, but in hindsight things were ''''off'''' almost immediately.
My denial had me convinced WW was dealing with extra stress from work, home, life etc...
Nope, turns out it was from the guilt of knowing she was choosing to have an affair.

Hindsight really sucks sometimes.

[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 2:35 AM, February 8th, 2014 (Saturday)]

Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"
time isn't what you think it is.

Posts: 158 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 3:39 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

I am ashamed to say, that I honestly didn't know he was cheating until I received "THE" call. Even then I didn't believe, and of course he was in CYA mode big time.... It wasn't until I got a fax with a lot more info that he finally came clean.
I don't know if he is just that good at deceit or I am that na´ve.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

SpecialK, don't feel bad. I always thought I was the hypervigilant spouse, but did not know of my wife's 3 yr A until she sat me down and confessed. Cripes- talk about floored. I honestly had no clue. Not because I am that na´ve, and you are not either, it is because they are that good at LYING and deceiving us and we are only at fault for happening to love and trust them the way we are supposed to.

"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 135 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Pretty much right away. Knew something was off. Checked phone. Didn't find messages, but noticed missing texts (by the total log count).

Confronted him about it, he denied. Still didn't feel right and about 4 weeks ltr got my answer.

Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Looking back I think I suspected something was off after the second time he had sex with ow. We had planned a romantic night away and the Friday night before he went out with his "friend" and got home way later than usual. When I called to see if he was okay he was overly apologetic. Saturday night I went down on him and could smell a faint condom smell even though he had showered and we weren't using them because I was pregnant. Long story short, I dismissed the thought and even had a dream he was cheating on me that night.
There were a few more after that but ever in a million years did I think MY H would do that to me! My ic is helping me deal with the shoulda woulda couldas. She pointed out that maybe I wasn't ready to see it, or even my mind knew at that point in my pregnancy I wouldn't have been able to deal with it without harming my dd. idk what the reason, but it helps for me to look at it that way.

Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

2 weeks tops...
He was acting funny for about a month before DD

He met her sometime in mid November 2012 and kept talking to me about his "new friend". Even took me on a drive to see her college when I went to visit him for the Thanksgiving weekend- had no idea. Then early December, 7 days before our wedding, it was doubts about our relationship. Then when we were together after the wedding, he wouldn't sleep in the same bed with me and I got the ILYBNILWY.
Two weeks after that, all was finally revealed. And to think I was going crazy that whole entire time, thinking everything was my fault.

Nope he was cheating. And to justify his cheating, he made me seem like a villain.

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Before it started--but it wasn't my first rodeo.

The first time? I didn't notice. I had to be smacked upside the head with concrete evidence, and even then was naive enough to buy the tale he was selling. For a long, long time.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8857 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

I don't know as he hasn't agreed to having anything more than a friend.

But my spicy senses started tingling in late November. I put it on hold as I was heavily pregnant, and then had a baby December 15th, then mid/late jan I looked and found proof.

On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

For me it was the physical and emotional separation that he started. I questioned in my mind why he wasn't initiating sex. Foolishly, I thought maybe his lobido was starting to lack:) But I still didn't get it, but I was too busy taking care of my dying mother. He started to do things either alone or with other people that we would normally have done together. Also when he started to carry his phone everywhere and started to get a ton of text messages in the evenings, and spending all his spare time on the computer and phone. All of a sudden a light bulb went on and I was able to check his phone and voila...

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

For me it was the physical and emotional separation that he started. I questioned in my mind why he wasn't initiating sex. Foolishly, I thought maybe his lobido was starting to lack:) But I still didn't get it, but I was too busy taking care of my dying mother. He started to do things either alone or with other people that we would normally have done together. Also when he started to carry his phone everywhere and started to get a ton of text messages in the evenings, and spending all his spare time on the computer and phone. All of a sudden a light bulb went on and I was able to check his phone and voila...

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

I think I knew something was off in march...affair started in feb. In may when he came home it was like his phone was glued to his hip. all texts were deleted. but when we tried to be intimate and he couldn't I knew right then that he was having an affair. I asked, he denied and even laughed. it wasn't till august when I interceded a text that I had the evidence in hand. Felt so stupid! I wish now I would have trusted myself!


Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

About 2 weeks after it started, he had complete and total ED for 2 weeks. He had never had it before and not since. It was guilt, plain and simple.

He confessed to the internet sexting shortly after but since it was all done over the internet, he never has considered it an affair, he says they just shared "stories". He continued to do it with her for another 11 months before quitting. Over the last 3 years, he has sexted with several women and has been asked to meet up with one last summer. I guess it is in my favor that he told her "had an issue last time, not sure I want to go there again" and didn't meet up.

All I know is that he looks and shares pictures with many women, then acts all lovey dovey with me and wants sex. He doesn't look at me nude, doesn't do much foreplay to me but wants me to touch him and do lots of foreplay (to make sure ED doesn't return is his excuse). Needless to say, I feel it is just the motions and he is in a fantasy using my body.

me 64
WH 66
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 357 | Registered: Mar 2011
New Member
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

He was able to keep up both lives for a month...and then he couldn't anymore. He became distant emotionally and physically, like a light switch in early March of last year. After a few weeks I finally confronted him and he blamed work stress and then also put some blame on me. I sought IC right away and came back, told him things I wanted to work on, yadda, yadda. He didn't bite. I asked a few months in if he was having an affair because no other reason made sense. He denied it. I missed LOTS of signs, as it was with a coworker who we were involved with socially. I finally dug around in his stuff in June and found his journal. No denying it then.

Me: 38 yo BW
Him: 40 yo WH
2 daughters (8, 5); married 15 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Get this. He was toooo perfect. Go figure. Perfect in every way. I guess my spider senses just knew that he was really too good to be true. We have to be careful what we wish for. Super partner in every way. Until I found all of the EA's and that he was on line checking profiles a year in to our relationship. One EA turned in to a date in another city. Met her and was grossed out so no PA. Guess I should be thankful for that ........

Me: 56
Him: 60
Together 2 1/2 years

Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013

Posts: 201 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Texting & phone calls started in February last year, I got the "I'm not happy speech in March", starting feeling something was off then, and said it out loud for the first time sitting on my Aunt's back porch on Mother's day. My exact words when my Aunt asked me how WW and I were doing were "Aunt ___, I feel like there's another guy". Why on God's green earth I didn't start snooping around for evidence then, I'll never know.

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

I felt it straight away. In the pit of my stomach I knew something wasn't right. But I thought it was just him pulling away emotionally. I would have NEVER thought he would have an A. Never in a million years. I will never be so blind again.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

..well, it only took me 18 years to figure it out..

..of course, when it's my bff(25 yrs) and my gf/wife(20 yrs), trust got in the way!!!

..they both counted on my trust and love for them to avoid suspicion.. they were very good at covering the A.. they even pretended to not like each other very much whenever the 4 of us hung out.

..bfOM died from brain tumour(cancer) in Apr. 2006.. I didn't know he had died until Apr. 2009 he visits me in a dream and informs me that I don't have the whole truth.

WW had told me in 1987 that the A was 2 years long.. 2009, she admits it was for 18 years

40+ years married.. all a lie!

I still have a lot of difficulty processing that much deceipt, that level of betrayal.

Now... I do believe in ghosts..


[This message edited by somanyyears at 7:52 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

I didn't and was totally blindsided when he finally confessed. OW sent me emails and texts and I thought someone hacked my email. That's how sure I was in my H. And he was gaslighting me and keeping up ruse of hacking.

My brother was going to contact some friends in law enforcement to get advice and maybe identity of the mystery texter which is when my fWH confessed.

I never suspected...

[This message edited by whattheh at 10:16 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Never caught on. Two OW, an anonymous letter in the mail, mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night.....
I never connected the dots. Why? Because I knew my husband would never, ever cheat on me. It just wasn't him. What a frigging fool I was. A stupid, innocent fool.

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

I didn't for the first 4 years of his infidelity, before dday1. I mean Ya, he'd become an asshole but... Then I found a necklace in his car sprayed with perfume. I went steltg, found proof within 2 weeks and confronted.

Then a year of false R, lots of lies. I knew in my gut, something wasn't right, but thought it was him lying about that AP which he had claimed lasted just a couple months.

A year later, totally blindsided and nuclear explosion on dday2 when he was fired for sexual harassment and I found out about 3 more AP's totalling 5 YEARS.

Yep, I was naive.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 12849
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

Very early. We went to a wedding April 1, 2006 and as we walked out I grabbed his waist and he pushed me away for an instant. That hesitation started it. They were already in lurve and talking, who knows, probably fucking by then.
In mid may I took my senior class students on a trip to Florida and he rode his motorcycle down and joined us. He was acting very aloof and at one point while we were sitting on the beach watching the kids, he just got up and said he wanted to go back to the motel room. I said ok and stayed on the beach. Literally, in a minute or so, I looked out at the ocean and had tunnel vision. I realized he hadn't wanted sex in weeks and heard myself say he was cheating. He even left early to go home which only spiked my intuition.
Got home from the airport and asked him what was wrong and he said it was just him. Then he said my weight was partially responsible and oh, get this, he has lost his wedding ring. As God as my witness I hoped he wasn't cheating so I didn't confront him till November. Even though he was a cold heartless dick I just couldn't believe he would do that.
Now I know anyone can. Damn.

Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare "All's Well That Ends Well"
D-Day: Nov 30, 2006
"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night."
William Shakespeare

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Etherville
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, February 10th (Monday)

Nothing in his behavior led me to believe he was being unfaithful but I didn't know what to look for at the time. Now looking back accusations (projection) and being critical could have been signs. I just happened to stumble upon evidence, or I would have never known.

[This message edited by cl131716 at 5:25 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, February 10th (Monday)

i got a little suspicious around aug-oct 2011. she started coming back really late at night (3-4 am instead of 12 or so - she was working with some musicians then who worked really late hours) and i got suspicious but she gaslighted me. i accepted her explanations.

the i got very suspicious around dec-jan of 2012. she was working very long hours trying to save the family business, sometimes slept over at her fathers house, and was still going out 2-3 times a week with girlfriends, always to the same club (because the bar tender would give them free drinks - so she said but in reality he was one of her AP). i was taking care of our daughter and sometimes would wake up in the middle of the night or even early am and find her not here. she always had stories - at her cousins, at her fathers, still out but coming back, wasnt going to come back but go straight to work, with friends, etc . and i accepted them. i believed her, i trusted her. she gaslighted me again then.

when she broke it off with her LT AP he called her 3 or so times and texted her maybe 50 in about 3 hours. i accepted and believed her when she said it was her friends.

i feel really stupid now. i feel like my innocence has been ripped away. we can rebuild trust over a period of time and have trust in our marriage. BUT i KNOW that i will NEVER TRUST ANYONE 100% EVER AGAIN. ive seen where that can lead.

me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, February 10th (Monday)

Never knew about the ONS in 1993, but in 2010, he became very distant at times, yet at others he was very loving. I didn't even consider another woman. He has PTSD/depression/alcoholism and was suffering from that then, too, & I just assumed that was the problem. He was also on Celexa at the time, which made him bat-shit crazy. He actually had a mental breakdown at the end of 2010. I guess in a way I'm lucky. All those things explain some of why he was attracted to this "fun" person. Don't make it any easier though.

BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
New Member
Member # 42214
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, February 10th (Monday)

Hard to say, started as an EA and WW can't give a definite date on when that started. I'd say I thought something was off before she was really considering the A.

I was very uncomfortable with texting at all hours, but when I checked initially all of the texts were about running (they were training partners). By the time EA was in full swing and PA started she had locked her phone.

Me - BS 33
Her - WW 34
Kids - 14b, 9b, 8g, 6b
Married - 2003
Together - 1996
D-Day: 1/10/2014 (Admitted EA/PA 10/2012 - 3/2013)

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2014
New Member
Member # 40694
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, February 10th (Monday)

I didn't know anything about his A. Around May or June of last year my H turned into this stupid ass. He became more and more distant towards me and the kids. I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what... in September I got my answer.

wake me up when it's over...

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, February 10th (Monday)

When he bought a new smartphone. Prior to that he had a really old, plain cell phone that he hardly ever used b/c he had a smartphone for work.

Lots of signs, all of which he could have easily explained (even the new phone) b/c I trusted him. Completely. He would have gaslighted and I would have bought it.

BW 55
WH 59
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo

Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
Member # 41139
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, February 10th (Monday)

I think about 2 months after the texting and talking started. I noticed a change but it wasn't so drastic and obvious. It was about a month after that I started to look a little and I found it. Unfortunately, it didn't end after I confronted that time. Now actions and words confuse me. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for at this point.

BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, February 10th (Monday)

OH about 2 days.

My H had been acting unhappy, and searching for something to help him find happiness again. In fact his A started because he was considering D, not because we had a bad marriage, but because in his brokenness he couldn't see what was causing his unhappiness. It was because of this he met OW. She was a D attorney, and a work friend said I know this lady, and she can probably answer a lot of your questions. She pounced.
He was number 3 in her line of married men.

But his behavior changed after it started, and he became even crankier when he was home, and less communicative. When he took his weekly trips to her town (for work) he quit calling to say good night to the kids, and would just not answer my calls when I tried to call him. Jerk. When Dday finally rolled around 7 months later, he was amazed that I could tell him the date it started.
They think they are so smart when they are having their A's, but they are not.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 31