Just Found Out
User Topic: Still trying to process my new reality
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

My WW lied, cheated, and left me. After a few weeks of limbo where she herself brought up trying to reconcile, I felt I needed to push her off the fence. I guess I did, since she informed me last Thursday that we will be going our separate ways.

I'm still shell-shocked. I remember a relationship that was stronger than what I thought any bound could possibly be. We were the couple that other couples looked up to. We were the rock amongst our family and friends. Then we were hit with tragedies. A buried stillborn son, and the news she would most likely not be able to have children again. It was devastating to both of us, but when we came out the other side looking forward to our future, I thought we were stronger than ever.

I was wrong.

There were signs that I maybe should have questioned, but like many others here, I was so completely and 100% trusting of her. I knew if something were bothering her, we could talk about it and work it out. We always had before. We truly were best friends, not just lovers. We did everything together. We knew each other inside and out. Well, again, I thought we did.

I can't pinpoint when the change happened. It was so slight and gradual that I only now recognize that the woman I fell in love with and who loved me just as dearly is gone, and has been for some time. She looks the same, talks the same, but its not her. She is different. That woman I loved never would have cheated and lied. That woman wouldn't be as selfish as the one who walked out of our home and out of my life. It's all about her needs and her wants. I do believe there is a part of her that does truly care for me, but it's not enough. My wife is gone.

I know this is for the best long run, but it doesn't hurt any less. I still pine for her. I still hope the woman she was will wake up and realize she lost the best thing to ever happen to her. I miss her like you couldn't believe, or maybe you could. I read posts here from people saying its 3 months, 6 months, a year or longer before they start feeling like themselves again. I can't imagine carrying this deep wound for that long. This is a pain I could never imagine.

So today, I'll try to pry myself out of my recliner and get some errands ran. I'll maybe eat something, maybe not. I'll try to sleep, but I will wake up time and time again to escape my dreams which are all of her and happier times. I'll go to work next week and try my best to be productive - I have good job with a lot of responsibility, and the last thing I want to do is screw that up. It's just so hard still to process that at 35, I'm single, childless, and more alone than I've ever been. She's gone. Thats my reality.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1278 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

It is your reality and, if you did not mourn it and have great sorrow and pain over it, then you would not be the loving and caring man that you are. It is right, proper, and healthy to mourn the loss of your relationship what you had, and what you thought your future was going to be. There are days when the grief will try to level you, but you need to feel it, acknowledge it, and then, let go.

Get up, go do something physical, call a friend if you can and have dinner with them. Come back often for support. We''re all here for you.

And I would strongly suggest that you go to the I Can Relate forum, and click on the Betrayed Men''s thread. There are some REALLY great men there who will be able to help you out and give you some guy-talk about all of this shit sandwich that you''ve been served.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4962 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Buddy, I'm right there with you. Except for the stillborn child (I don't know how you made it through that), I could have written that myself. It's exactly how I feel too. It's exactly how my WW and I were, were perceived, interacted, everything. You're not alone in this man.

Honestly, reading that made me tear up. I'm behind you a few years in age, but that's it. I'm dealing with the same reality, and it's hard. But, I know that you'll make it through it. Man, if you can bury a child, you can do this too.

I spent longer in limbo than you did, so I've got the benefit of knowing that passed time helps. I promise, time does help. The way you are feeling right now will not last forever. Two months after her moving out, I was getting better (last Monday shot that to hell, but whatever). My point is that I KNOW that time helps. But, time is an evil bitch, and she doesn't speed up for anyone.

Hang in there man. Stay busy, eat, drink (WATER ), exercise, try to sleep, hang out with friends, etc. Also, feel the pain. Cry when you have to. Yell when you have to. Feeling the pain helps it pass. Posting here helps too.

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
New Member
Member # 42306
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I am one week from D-Day and processing this new reality, just like you. The person I thought I knew so well was hiding so much of what he was thinking and feeling (not to mention the affair). I don't know when he became someone else, or if I have always projected feelings and values onto him that were never there. I had NO idea he was a liar.

This. just. sucks.

It's so hard to just redefine and reimagine your life in an instant. They had the benefit of who-knows-how-long. I know that I will get through this, I just don't know how...

I try to imagine moving on and ever being with someone else, but how would I know they weren't just telling me what I wanted to hear, too? How do you keep someone from changing? It's really very depressing.

I guess in the end we have to focus on ourselves. We might not recognize them anymore, but we know who WE are. We haven't turned into lying, disgusting, sleaze balls. I would do a lot of things differently if I were to ever be in a romantic relationship again (feels very doubtful right now), but I can at least walk away from this relationship with dignity, and so can you.

Hang in there...

Me: 36
WH: 44
DS: 7
DD: 5

His AP: 24, former family friend and babysitter

Married 11 1/2 yrs

D-Day: 2/1/2014 3 month PA, 24 months sexting

Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Our stories are very similar. Our relationship was viewed the same and even now friends say that if anyone could get through this, we could. We went through many miscarriages and that was where the relationship began to crumble. And now, with the fog and all the blameshifting and gaslighting that comes with it, I look in the face of my love am heartbroken that she's no longer there. Her eyes are vacant of the love she had, the love we shared. It's replaced with hate and accusations.

But I miss her terribly, too. I have the same hope that the old WS, before the EAs will wake up and see what she has risked and what she is losing.

Kudos to you for pushing her off the fence. I know that couldn't have been easy, and I applaud your ability to have that respect for yourself. I'm struggling to do that, as my WS gives me just enough hope to hold on or wait, though the writing is on the wall.

WS: 39
BS: 39
DS: 6
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 727 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 42121
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

((((Soulhurts)))) I'm sorry. I know you are hurting so bad right now. You are stronger than you think you are and you will get through this! Take this time and focus on what you want. Do things that make you happy!

BS (me) 29
WH (him) 29
D-day January 14 ,2014
D-day #2 March 15, 2014
Married 9 years
Together for 11
Two children ages 7&2

*Finding my strength*

Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisiana
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

As always, I appreciate all the kind words and hope I can help guide you through this as you have all done for me.

It's so hard to just redefine and reimagine your life in an instant. They had the benefit of who-knows-how-long.

Exactly. Thats one of the worst parts. The WS has already started planning and prepping for a new life while keeping the BS in the dark. In my case, she got to make a clean break. At first I was relieved when she told me she doesn't want any furniture from our home or anything. Now, I see that in another light - she's trying to erase any memory of us, like we never happened. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in our home forced to process a life in which EVERYTHING has changed in the blink of an eye, and the reminders are everywhere. How is that right to us BS's?

Also, feel the pain. Cry when you have to. Yell when you have to. Feeling the pain helps it pass. Posting here helps too.

When it first happened, I crumbled. Since, I feel like I need to cry, yell, somehow release this, but it just doesn't come. Yeah, I've spent some of this time numbed by alcohol, but there are far more hours in the day where I'm sober as can be. I want it to just hit me already. Let's get it over with. I know it doesn't exactly work that way though. I am definitely in extreme pain, but posting has been my best outlet so far. I'm still sorry we all met this way, but again, I'm thankful this community exists.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1278 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Wow, You just painted my marriage to a T. Except I was 22 years into such a marriage with children. The shock is indescribable. It literally shakes your faith in mankind to the core. If your love was as true as you say-and it sounds like it was, she may come back. She may be in the fog. Stick with the 180. I had to tell my boss. There was no way I could keep up work performance. My boss's understanding helped me get back on my feet without losing my job. Whether you do finally reconcile or not, there is a life there after-a good life.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 6:55 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

Posts: 72 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, February 9th (Sunday)


I know you are hurting but believe me when I say this.

You have a far brighter future facing you now.

Let her go. She needs to deal with her issues. And she has chosen to do it without your help or shoulder to lean on.

That just shows you how selfish she has become.

So it is ok to be disappointed in her. Tell her just that.

Then get out there, heal and find a great woman that will love you, cherish you, protect your household and give you a beautiful family that you so deserve.

Loved your letter to your STBXW. Now go find a woman that would love a man who can write like that.


Posts: 906 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, February 10th (Monday)

Hey brother I know what your going through. Like many others that have responded you described my marriage 100%.

We were the couple that would defy all odds. Then reality struck like a thief in the night and left me lying there flat on my back.

I don't have much advice to give you but wanted you to know your story has been read and you are acknowledged. Stay strong brother.

Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 617 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, February 10th (Monday)

The wound will get slightly less gaping soon, I promise. Just know you are not alone in your bewilderment and loss. It is normal to pine for her. Your whole identity has changed. But eventually, slowly, you'll stop staring at the door that's been closed and realize how many new doors there are t walk through.

I found this article pretty soon after I found out and it was helpful to me. Maybe you might get something from it too:

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, February 10th (Monday)

I think it is the person who has a good sense of self or identity that is separate from being in a relationship who has a solid footing to process and move forward from such betrayals...

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1269 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Wow norabird, thanks for that article.

I think it is the person who has a good sense of self or identity that is separate from being in a relationship who has a solid footing to process and move forward from such betrayals...

Couldn't say it better. While she runs from her problems and/or fills her life with superficial quick fix attempts, I will reclaim an identity of my own. I will know who I am, where I stand, and will do what I need to do to make me the best I can be.

Thank you all for your replies, seriously. SI is a beacon of hope in this sea of sorrow.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1278 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 13