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User Topic: Drunk Declarations
peoplepleaser
Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Late last night I get a text from WS asking if I was up. Then she says she needs help because she's drunk and can't stop crying (we are separated in-house). Texts that she loves me. So, even though I'm trying to adhere to the 180, I go down to help her in and she collapses while grabbing my legs and crying that she's sorry. I help her calm down and get her ready for bed and she's crying and telling me she's sorry, she's so weak around me, and she's an asshole. She asks me why I love her. I said nothing, just took care of her. In my mind I kept telling myself that she was drunk and that this was not real, but in my heart I was wondering if this was some kind of breakthough, especially since she told me that this is the first time since the separation that she's actually cried. She was out with a big group of friends and began crying at the bar and had to leave because she couldn't stop. She is excellent at controlling her emotions, and has never been an emotional drinker. This morning she thanked me for taking care of her and acknowledged that I didn't have to do that. Then she invited me to go shopping with her. I'm not sure what to make of this.

I know time will tell, and in the meantime I'm reminding myself that she is a liar and a cheater. I also see the tremendous amount of pain she is in, and trying to keep from both herself and me. Brief history is that she is wanting reconciliation but struggling to "sit in" my pain from the EAs and complying with transparency, though I believe she is not actively cheating right now. We are separated in-house and are both in IC. She has shared that she is working on figuring out if she can give me what I need in our relationship (with regard to remorse and her own need to find herself). Recent talks have included me moving toward my own personal financial independence so that she can move out because she isn't being transparent.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 711 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
RemainingWed
New Member
Member # 40597
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

It sounds like you did a really good job with the 180 - taking of your own emotions while helping out someone who hurt you.
Maybe the fog is lifting. Do you want reconciliation?


Me - 45 (BS) PCOS/infertility/Co-dependent
Him - 32 (FWH) mid-life crisis/wants kids
Married 9 years, together for 14
No kids (a factor in the affair) :(

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: California
peoplepleaser
Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

I want to see if reconciliation is possible. I loved my life. I know it won't be the same, but after all that we are figuring out about what went wrong in the relationship, it seems that there is great potential to have an even better relationship if we can get past this. I want that chance, though at times I question why. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to stay after an affair. I've amazed myself at what I'm capable of. But I don't want to be foolish or disrespect myself, either.

So what I did was still part of the 180? I can see that the way you put it. Going shopping tonight with her might not be, though...


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 711 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

please... don't go shopping... you can't play happy couples right now, it would be a farce. Back to the 180.

See if she says the same stuff sober as she did drunk.... the harsh light of day is very telling, you did the right thing by looking out for her last night, but today is another day, drunken sobbing is just that, alcohol fueled ranting. Back to the 180.

Please take some time to think things through very carefully, I've been dealing with this long enough to know that some damage is irreparable, some wrongs can never be righted, and that the life we all had is changed and a new one established.... it's very hard work, think about yourself, what you want, what you need, and what you can live with.

Hugs.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1241 | Registered: Apr 2009
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Absolutely do not go shopping with her! This is the time, IMO, for you to be polite but 180 distant.

Last night, it sounds like you went down to help, matter of factly did what was needed, didn''t engage in her drama, essentially took care of business, and then left. Good job. This morning, she''s mouthing words about sorry and wanting to be your friend.

Nope. Ain''t gonna happen until and unless she gets her stuff together to be truly remorseful, transparent, etc. Until she shows you by her actions that she is fully on-board. Bending right now sends a bad message to her. That you''ll be her KISA and save her, every time that she has a problem and that afterwards you will play family with her.

Much stronger and, to the point, healthier response to remind her that you are not spouses, you are separated now, and while you don''t regret helping her last night, that it will not happen again because that''s the sort of care that only a spouse, a full partner gets. Be strong!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Contrary to popular belief, "drunk declarations" are not a reflection of one's true feelings. "In vino veritas" is a lie.

I get wanting to explore the possibility of R. But you need to get on more solid ground, yourself.

180. See what really happens--in the absence of booze.

Maudlin declarations are...well, bullshit.

Shopping today? Just a way to play house, to lull you into a sense of security, to get you off your game so that she can get what she wants with the MINIMUM effort.

You're on the verge of letting it work.

How do I know? Because I was the recipient of "minimum effort" for a very long time, and more than once.

(And no, what you did was not part of the 180--but that's okay; few of us are able to consistently adhere to it.)

It's NOT the path you want to take.

[This message edited by solus sto at 5:13 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8850 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Words are cheap. People lie.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 842 | Registered: Nov 2012
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

How did she respond to your email from your other thread? This looks like an extension from her earlier gesture (all be it weak) of R. IMO your looking at serious cracks in hard shell.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
peoplepleaser
Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, February 9th (Sunday)

Twitchy, I think I agree about the cracks. There was no response before the drunk night. I'm sitting back, focusing on myself, listening when she wants to share and responding respectfully. What I've gotten toward reconciliation is that she's in IC and I don't believe she is actively in an EA. However, I do not have transparency or remorse. So if I don't get those before I am able to financially support myself, I will ask her to move out.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 711 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, February 10th (Monday)

Just checking in on you pp :) You sound like you're being really strong.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
peoplepleaser
Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, February 10th (Monday)

Thanks, norabird. I'm doing alright. She's talking more and I'm listening. She texted me today that she misses me. I triple dog dared her to do something about it and she said I wasted a dare because she only needed a double. So I guess we will see what happens.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 711 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
forwardfromhere
New Member
Member # 42358
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Ignore her texts. Such a cheap and easy form of communication. I was lures in by bullshit remorse. The real deal is sober, consistent and to your face. If she comes crying to you daily and cooks you dinner and begs for the chance at a new life for weeks/months, that'd real. Otherwise it's just another ride on the eff you train. I'm sorry. Stay strong.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: forwardfromhere
peoplepleaser
Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Quick update. She came to me tonight, agreed to transparency at 100% and is calling a couples counselor for us tomorrow. We shall see what happens...


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 711 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 13