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User Topic: xWW not taking being cut out extremely well
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

My XWW has started to notice that I'm not starting conversations and I'm ignoring things she says that are not child-related. It's a little creepy, actually. Her frame before this has been sort of "we're pals."

Last couple of texts were asking me what's going on, saying I'm quiet, wondering if it's good quiet or bad quiet, and then this morning she's saying she wants to make sure I'm okay, since I've been acting differently towards her, and if I need some space and things are fine that's cool and if they're not okay and i don't want to talk about it that's okay too, but she wants to make sure our kid is okay, e.g. I'm not all stressed out because I have her too much and need her to spend more time with XWW, just whatever I need.

My replies have consisted of "Everything is fine. Thanks." last night and "(Our kid) is doing really well." this morning.

I don't get it. Why does she even care if I talk to her about non kid related stuff?

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 2:09 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Ego kibbles. Mine did the exact same when I ignored texts all day. He knew I would answer about the kids. Why isn't your life centered around her? Why aren't you jumping up and down for joy that she would disdain to contact you? ego kibbles. Stay strong.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 300 | Registered: Aug 2013
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

I'm okay for now, just a little nervous. I don't really feel bad for her. Okay, maybe just a teeeeeny bit, but it took me a long time to get to this decision and I'm sticking to it now.

If you break someone's heart into a million tiny pieces, don't be surprised if they move on with their life (eventually...)

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 1:37 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Wow. I just exchanged my daughter with her and she was acting very friendly and concerned (possibly genuinely.. she stays in frame very well). She tried very hard to get me to tell her what was going on. She said she knew something had changed, that she knew me really well.

She asked if I was mad at her, or if I had a girlfriend, or if someone said it was creepy for me to talk to her, (or a few other things). She said she had a lot of anxiety about it.

I said a little more than I intended to--when she asked if I was depressed, I said "well, I haven't been sleeping too great, as you know, and it's possible that could make me feel withdrawn." I also mentioned that I had spent more time by myself the past few weeks. I'm not sure why I said that other than she was making me feel uncomfortable and I felt compelled to say something.

Anyway, other than that I just said everything is fine, our kid's doing great, seems really happy, etc etc.

Dear God that was uncomfortable.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Followed just now by a text message to the effect that she was sorry for being aggressive and will leave me alone, hopes I feel better and can spend some time with friends, and I know where to find her.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

She's Hoovering you.

Don't fall for it.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6491 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

she was making me feel uncomfortable and I felt compelled to say something.
Time and practice will help firm up those boundaries, PIC.

Next time she asks how you're doing, pretend she's a client/customer and put on your professional front. "I'm fine, thank you." "DD is good." "I'm good." etc.

It's hard to break the habit, but you can do it.

[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 2:42 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24786 | Registered: Aug 2011
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

(((PIC)))

This is one of the toughest parts of getting through this mess. You're not at indifference yet, and I know when XWH started doing that kind of stuff, I had hopes that maybe we could get back together and have a stronger marriage.

Try to go even more NC if possible. It's the best way to get over it. I also really recommend the book "Getting Past Your Breakup" -- you can probably find it for free at your library.

Kids and finances ONLY. It's so, so tough, but you need to take care of yourself. If she really cared about how you were doing, she would have remained faithful.

Remember -- the best revenge is a life well-lived. You can't get to well-lived if you're stuck in the past, and she's trying to keep you stuck in the past.

You've got this. It's tough, but so worth it when you arrive at indifference on the other side.

NC NC NC NC NC NC NC


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3299 | Registered: Dec 2011
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

NIK, I accidentally included the name of my daughter in my post, but I edited it out. I'm just a teeeeeny bit paranoid.. it's probably no big deal, but could you do the same in your post?

Thanks. :)


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

As to boundaries. Yes, it's very tough, but I think it'll help me to work on it. I tried very hard to be professional and I succeeded but damn, she was persistent and it was hard to do it in person. I kept smiling nervously.

I actually feel a little bad for her, if you can believe it. I guess that's manipulation, eh?

Why hoover me? What does she have to get out of it? Just the ego stuff? Money?


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

phmh, thank you! I will look at the book.

It really helps me to have replies from people who have done this. This is totally new territory for me.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Another reason for you to remain in strict NC is because she can very easily turn her false concern for you into accusations that you're having a mental breakdown and need to lose custody. Be very careful.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9469 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Nature_Girl, that had crossed my mind too. Even though I've never felt like she would try to play for custody, I've always been a little paranoid about it. Being NC should really help remove any ammunition. She did put me at ease (sort of) by not talking to a lawyer and by agreeing to my divorce offer without a fuss, but she's been unpredictable in the past... who knows how she could change in the future. I always am looking for how things could be used in a legal battle. I fundamentally don't trust her.

I'll just put on a face of "yeah i'm doing awesome!" in the future. It's just really hard in person. Really really hard. I'm not a good actor. When someone tries to call me on something or manipulate me, I can control what I say, but not what I feel and some of that creeps into my body language a little bit. Mostly the nervousness and being sucked into her frame.

Her frame, though... it feels hollow to me now. I _tried_ being her friend for a while (unfortunately) and it just felt incredibly fake. Part of her frame is that she never did anything bad to me. She won't deny it, but she'll minimize it and will NEVER bring it up. But yeah, with NC, all this crap can go into the past.

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 2:36 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Part of her frame is that she never did anything bad to me.
And in my mind *that* is why she's hoovering.

See? I'm not a bad person. I care about PIC. We're friends. We talk. I'm concerned about his well-being. So I'm clearly a good person, right?

Shields. Up.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24786 | Registered: Aug 2011
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

This baffles me. Why does she care whether I think she's a good person? She has a new husband and a new life, right?


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

She doesn't care what you think, hon. She cares about how SHE FEELS. Your responses FEED how she feels. Does that make sense?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24786 | Registered: Aug 2011
BrokenDaisy
Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Yup it's all about convincing herself she's a good person. As long as you are nice to her and "friends" it's easier for her not to face who she really is. When you NC her she has to work a little harder at convincing herself. It's all about her. Nothing to do with you. That is how self centered they are.

My xwh does the same. He even sent me a thinking of you card in the week of our divorce :crazy: It's all fake and for themselves.

Hang in there you're doing good. It's hard to imagine precisely because you are human and have real feelings and concerns for others. Your xww doesn't, other than for herself.

(((PIC)))


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Well.. okay, then, let's turn my question around. Why does she need me to feed how she feels? She has other people.

Or is it simply that I'm feeding her NEGATIVE stuff?

EDIT: Just read BrokenDaisy's response.. "she has to work a little harder at convincing herself" answers my question and makes sense.

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 3:10 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Dear God that was uncomfortable.

Good! Then you are doing it correctly!!

I'm serious. New behavior feels "weird" until it becomes habit.

Don't reinvent the wheel each time, just find a phrase that sounds right for face-to-face encounters: "Thanks, I'm doing great! I'll let you know if I need your help" accompanied by a BIG smile.

Indifference is worth a touch of discomfort.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

I'm just glad I did the legal stuff properly. Sheesh.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

No one is good at this in the beginning!!!

We all had to figure things out, frequently taking the advice of those who were there before and survived, and now many of us want to pay it forward and help you get there in a healthy way!

It's so hard to look at the person who you considered to be your best friend and realize they no longer have your back. It's tough, but you'll get there.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3299 | Registered: Dec 2011
mandan66
Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Probable--
My sitch is like yours, only I'm a little older. But, I have 80% custody of 2 sons, and so I deal with my XWW on almost a daily basis. Why? Because she texts me non-stop, and its ALWAYS couched in some bogus nonsense to do w/sons school, schedule, etc. Nothing you can do about it, except become determined you are not going to be beaten by it.
Just a pathetic game, that these cheaters play. Its guilt, ego stroke, and a way to prove to themselves they didn't do something awful. Fake concern about you, the kids, blah blah blah. All text replies need to be short and to the point; don't get baited into anything. Answers should always be the following: Great! Okay! Sounds good! Thanks! See Ya!
You get my drift. I'm pretty sure it drives my XWW crazy so that's a small amount of payback. Hang in there.


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Answers should always be the following: Great! Okay! Sounds good! Thanks! See Ya!

Such great examples. Short, to the point, and !!! which implies things are great!

You need to remember that she doesn't think about things the same way you would. You tell her you're sad about things -- she doesn't see it as her poor behavior that impacted you -- she's thinking "glad I got rid of that loser" or something similar to that. We can't understand it.

Fake it until you make it. Give her as little as possible of a view into your life, and what she sees is that you are strong and fine. Even if it's not true, yet. You will get there.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3299 | Registered: Dec 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

For non NPD exes, it is, sometimes, perfectly appropriate to tell them, one time, "there is no need for conversation that isn't about DD." Matter of fact, honest, a statement rather than a discussion (and you're not open to discussion on it - if she pushes back you respond with, "it's too bad that you feel that way, but this isn't your decision." and change the subject to DD or leave, as appropriate), and enough of an explanation that she knows to stop trying.

Again, this only works on some exes, but if yours really is worried and not just completely self absorbed, it might save you a lot of back and forth.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13654 | Registered: Jul 2011
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

She may not be NPD. I could never figure it out. She's..... something.

Would it hurt to do that just once if she IS NPD?


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

You could always try -- but only tell her that if you can really stick to it. Otherwise, it might become a game to her to see if she can draw additional info out.

And her behavior might get worse before it gets better (google "Extinction burst") so you have to stay strong if you declare that you're going NC or you lose all credibility.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3299 | Registered: Dec 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

If she's NPD she will just amp WAY up.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13654 | Registered: Jul 2011
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Oh and if she asks why, don't engage. Why is none of her business and it creates room to argue. " Because it's what I decided" or "because we are divorced" is more than enough response.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13654 | Registered: Jul 2011
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Crickets to her about anything that is not directly affecting the kids or the money ...

Just smile and say, I'm fine. Is there anything about *child* or *money* that you need clarification on? No? Ok, Thanks, bye.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

This is sad for me. I didn't expect to feel sad about it. I had her in a neat box labeled 'toxic'.

I feel like I'm hurting her. I don't like to hurt people.

I still won't change my mind, but it sucks.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

On the other hand.. wow, the amount she ignored me and moved on pretty damn fast to her new life. I guess she can deal with it.

More likely is that I'm processing my own emotions, not that I'm doing anything horrible.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, February 10th (Monday)

I feel like I'm hurting her. I don't like to hurt people.

It's not about her. It's not about hurting her. It's about YOU, and protecting yourself. There are times in life when you need to choose to be selfish and take care of yourself. If she is hurt by the fact that you are not continuing what is at this point an inappropriate friendship with her, your EX wife, then that's her own boundaries that are messed up, not your behavior.

People get hurt for unjustified reasons all the time - it doesn't mean that everyone around them should bend over backward to accommodate them. You aren't even being rude, you are still civil, you are actively coparenting, you are providing her all necessary information about your children and finances. You're not doing anything wrong.

If I said that I was hurt you didn't respond to every single post I ever make on SI, would you follow me around and respond to everything I said? No. That would be inappropriate, unreasonable, and frankly a little creepy

You're doing yourself a great disservice by prioritizing her tantrums above your own emotional health.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13654 | Registered: Jul 2011
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, February 10th (Monday)

Amazonia, point taken that I have prioritized her tantrums over my own emotional health in the past. (although my exact motivations are unclear to me.. it's been a weird process getting to this point)

However, I don't intend to do this any more.

I also realize you're saying I may be doing this internally, even if my external actions are correct, even now. I agree. I hope with time and effort I can treat myself better.

It's frustrating to realize, in my head, that I want to change, but the change itself being so slow.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
Decimated
Member
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 10th (Monday)

My XWW did this too after our divorce was final.
She began texting, calling, fishing, probing…looking for affirmation that I still wanted her and was attracted to her. Her texts and calls would start out about the kids and progress into convo’s and flirting. She would invite me over for dinners, to fix things in her new place, and flirt with me. She has even initiated kissing and sex.

At first I was weak and indulged myself because I was still attracted to her and thought it would bring about openness and communication between us that could lead to R. I began to realize this was all about her and feeding her ego. She wasn't trying to R. I now feel she was just trying to manipulate me emotionally and control the situation and keep me hanging on to some hope that our family could be together again.

I finally woke up and found my balls. I only reply to her texts when they are about the kids. I respond using as few words as possible. I do not answer her phone calls. I know this is driving her nuts but this is how I should have been treating her since the first D Day. At first, I felt bad as if I was hurting her. Now, every time I start to feel bad about hurting her, I think about this:

The 1 ½ years that she was screwing her XOM while I was at work, all of the lies, The TT, The stonewalling, the lack of remorse, the risk of STD’s, her destruction of our family, marriage, the lives of our children, and walking away with half of everything I worked so hard for.

Suddenly I don’t feel bad anymore. This must be what she wanted…right? How can someone do all that to their spouse and expect anything less than nothing. This is what she deserves. These are the consequences of her choices and actions. If she wants ego kibbles, she can call her XOM who dumped her before our D was final. How can she possibly think we were going to be friends or anything else after what she did? If she was just a friend and she betrayed me, I would never speak to her again. The fact that she was my wife for 16 years, in my mind, makes this exponentially worse.

[This message edited by Decimated at 11:00 AM, February 10th (Monday)]


Decimated
Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 10th (Monday)

Decimated, you're right! It does help to remember how she actually acted.

She has this WEIRD frame where she pretends the affair and all that crap never happened. If I were to bring it up she would acknowledge it but it would be minimized. This frame leaks into my internal frame and makes her look much more innocent than she is.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 793 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
Decimated
Member
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, February 10th (Monday)

She has this WEIRD frame where she pretends the affair and all that crap never happened

Mine too. She is compartmentalizing what she did as apposed to dealing with it in a healthy way. If I were to bring it up she would emotionally shut down and become agitated. It is my feeling that WS's with this type of immature coping mechanism will never learn from their mistakes or rather, choices until they have lost everything and hit rock bottom.


Decimated
Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, February 10th (Monday)

PIC - ease up and move away from contact with her. She is re-married and therefore you should not be having these types of conversations with her. Kids and finances only. For the record, I never talk to my ex. I have full custody of our youngest and ex rarely if ever, sees DD. She also moved 300+ miles away.

NC is crucial for your healing - seek it.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9175 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Topic Posts: 37