User Topic: He's asking for Separation instead of D. Thoughts?
Member # 16958
Question  Posted: 4:33 PM, February 10th (Monday)

The Snake and I have been talking a lot (I know, I know) doing some relationship forensics and trying to see what we agree on. I''m hoping this will decrease tensions in the future. He states he is for the first time motivated to fix himself "for him" and hasn''t had sex since we separates, yadda yadda. Who really knows? Interestingly, he brought up my codependency without knowing the term and encouraged me to go back to being an alpha female. But he says after all these years it would be easier for him to accept if we both went and worked on our issues and then looked to see whether anything is salvageable. So he wants to do LS. I''m not horribly opposed on the face of it since I have become so codependent over the years it''s hard to know what I want and I know I''m not ready to start dating anytime soon. But I''m not sure how much trouble it would be to change it and not sure if there are disadvantages I''m not thinking of? Thoughts?

Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Would this be an in house sep?

Does CA have a minimum time before the D can be final?

As always on SI, this is only an opinion, but I wouldn't go for that. Do you really think you can trust him when you can't monitor his life? Do you really think he wouldn't take advantage of that trust?

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Sounds like he wants to keep you in the loop as a backup plan. Why now? Were you the major breadwinner? Is he looking to be supported? What is he going to contribute that will change things for the better?

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 2986 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

How will you be able to verify his progress & chastity while you're separated? Right after my DDay I was willing to go through a Therapeutic Separation. I worked pretty hard on crafting the boundaries I'd need to consider it safe for me and working for us both. I quickly realized, though, that I'd never be able to verify his actions.

So how will you know?

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

My Ex said the same kinds of things. All I can say is I'm glad I filed for D as soon as I did.

For me, having a clear standing on our relationship helped start to break the codependent cycle. It gave me a set of parameters that didn't leave room for his waffling, manipulations, etc.

I found out one of the reasons why my Ex was pushing for a separation was to buy himself time to sell some of our community property out from under me. He would have legally been able to retain all of the profits. Once I filed for D automatic restraining orders went into effect stopping him from doing anything.

Only you know what will work best for you, but I strongly advise getting legal advice on both options and protecting yourself legally either way. Sooner rather than later, just to be safe. You can always back away or slow down the legal wheels.

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 411 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

What do you want? That's the more important question.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

My thought is that you can always reconcile after D if he really does change who he is. If he really is sorry and wants to make things right, he's going to work on himself, no matter what you do.

If he truly has had a change of heart, I think this is the perfect time to get divorce documents drawn up exactly as you want them (allowing you to move out of state, etc.) He'll sign them, and continue to work on himself and, ultimately win you back. If he's really changed.

However, I'm sure if you were to suggest that, he'd spew venom. I'd bet a ton of money that if he hasn't slept with anyone, it's just because he hasn't found someone willing to sleep with him (it sounds like he's already worked his way through a large portion of the city.)

You are a smart, amazing woman. He's shown you who he is, time and time again. It's time for you to put yourself and your son first.

Are you in IC?

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 3409 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Divorce in CA takes a year, doesn't it? I'm fairly certain you have to file two sets of paperwork, a year apart, but you can wait longer to file the second and make it final. I wouldn't waste time waiting if I were you - if his actions line up with his words in the long run, you don't have to finalize it.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

he brought up my codependency without knowing the term and encouraged me to go back to being an alpha female. But he says after all these years it would be easier for him to accept if we both went and worked on our issues and then looked to see whether anything is salvageable. So he wants to do LS.

So wait, he is setting the terms? And he "happened" to bring up co-dependency? Hmmmmmm.....

Listen, you are the bread winner if I remember correctly? Have you formally gotten anything in writing? Or are you 2 just "talking" right now?

Cuz I am here to tell you that when the WS says to slow things down or they have "changed" but you really have no proof it is just words, it sadly and generally means there is lots more they need to cover up or to be blunt "pilfer" from the marital assests. So please be very careful and not so quick to trust someone who just blew up your world.

But I also know that these things all work at your own pace and time and only you can say when you are ready for anything to be finalized. Are you going to IC only for yourself?

Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Does your state recognize legal separation? IF it does and IF there is some concrete benefit to YOU (like you can stay on his healthy insurance), then consider it. However, set up all the paperwork, and finances, and custody/visitation, and CS, and division of assets/debts as if it was a D. Get a real court order, not just a verbal agreement. Anything less and he can screw you over.

But if there is not a real concrete advantage for you, not just a feeling if uncertainty, then go with a D. Let him prove to you during the waiting period that he really has changed and he really does want to have a monogamous marriage with you. You deserve nothing less. If he can prove it to you, then you can delay the D.

Do not be his backup plan.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17688 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

If you want to be cured from cancer you don't let it remain living within you, you get rid of it.

He's not a snake, he's a leech! A big gross slimey one.

Just sayin'

------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Thanks for your replies, sorry I disappeared.

Tripletrouble -& Nature_Girl the waiting period is 6 months and technically will be up in May. If I did the separation it would be more of a trial divorce (he''d have to move out) and I don''t know that I''d keep tabs on him until we reached a point where we started dating, although we may not ever get there. We''d both need months of counseling and soul searching.

Momentintime- his idea has been to cancel the D, I think it''s just part of his bargaining. We both make a nice salary but I make more. I don''t know that that changes anything since I already filed and we are separated as of November.

Rainbows - thanks I already filed for D so the restraining order is in place. I would ask about the legalities.

Merlin - I guess I''m not sure what I want. I have wanted terribly to stay married for 50 plus years and raise my son in a complete family. If I knew the Snake could really turn over a new leaf as he''s now claiming I still have forgiveness inside, but trust is harder to come by.

Phmh - you make some good points. So far he says he won''t fight me on the divorce and hasn''t responded to my filing (currently working on amending it to get the judge to grant a default). I thought the same thing about the sleeping around. I guess I just wonder if DS''s life would be better if we could somehow pull it out of the fire. I do need to start IC soon...

Amazonia - I think I only have to wait 6 months. I''m in the process of filing for a judgement, which is the last step, just need to amend some paperwork for the judge.

Reality bites - I wouldn''t let him set any terms. I have already filed for D and separated our assets so no risk of losing anything financially.

Dreamboat - I agree if I ever did separation it would have to be formalized like a D. There''s no way I can be convinced to cancel the D by the time it would go through in May so just giving him those 3 months wouldn''t help.

alphakite - no he can''t keep living with me. I know he really wants to and I might consider nesting, but he''s got to move out!

I''ve thought about it and I''m leaning towards just getting the D as sad as it makes me. I really wanted to stick it out and this is the first time he''s shown any real promise and talked openly about the As. I kind of understand why he didn''t want to open up in 2008 and I didn''t make him. Then when the aftermath of the 2008 A caught up with him that seemed to be the first time he strayed again, that was almost forgivable. But then the 3rd time when he didn''t want to work on R because my mom was there? And the fact he doesn''t like a lot of my family. And NOW, when I DONE he finally seems to be owning his shit. But is it too little too late. If he''s really changed then we will find each other again. The problem is that I can''t imagine remarrying him!!! He said if we D then that''s it and I think I''d be fine with that since he''s no prize. Just not looking forward to co parenting as a divorced couple for 17 plus years and just wondering if thing really could change this time. If there is ANY hope it would be worth the annoyance of not being divorced right away.... I dunno, guess I''m rambling. Thanks.

Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I think he's right about your needing to get back your alpha female! And I understand the hope you still have. I am a bad person to advise because I'm not far enough out to have distance--I still have so much yearning that my exWBF and I can also find each other again, and I know that clouds my mind.

I did see how young you are though. So I want to remind you....there is so much love ahead, so much life to be lived. With people who you can trust.

It's so hard to let go. But I think I agree with others that you can D and still reconcile if that's what he wants. But it is your journey.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

He said if we D then that's it

This one sentence. He is trying to manipulate you. IF he really was interested in changing and working on his shit, he wouldn't be giving YOU ultimatums. This translates to, "Either stop the divorce or there is no chance for us." Can you see how manipulative that is?????

This guy is still a snake. Shields at maximum!

[This message edited by CheaterMagnet at 1:52 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
Topic Posts: 14