User Topic: Roll call: would you take them back and under what conditions?
Member # 16958
Question  Posted: 4:41 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Some recent posts got me wondering. Suppose you opened the door and your ex or STBX was there on bended knee, contrite. Would you give them a pathway to R? What would it be? Or DID you already leave a pathway to R when you left them or they left you? If so what was it? I haven''t given a pathway. I don''t know my answer. But I wanna hear yours.

Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, February 10th (Monday)

I offered him R. He gobbled it up, for about 2 months. He fell of the wagon, but while in Afghanistan. When he came home, he informed me he was leaving me in the morning. Surprise, the process server showed up at 0700 and gave him his walking papers (LS only). I left for work with him telling me how sneaky I was and how I had kept secrets from him. I gave him the "look" and informed him that HE had decided to leave.
Before shutting the door, I told him that we are only LS that does NOT give him a free pass to go screw around. I told him that if he walked out that door, he wouldn't come back unless he was willing to come back correct and ready to do the hard work. I made it clear, that if he used that time to go screw women, all bets were off the table for R.
He moved her to our state 2/3 days later.
End of story.
However, had he really used the time to "get his head right with God", and NOT brought her here, so long as he was willing to go to counseling, full disclosure and transparency, I would have taken him back.....but NOT unitl he had been to at least 6 months of IC first.

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2358 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, February 10th (Monday)


There is nothing in this world that would induce me to take Trac-Fone back.

Nothing, ever.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8889 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, February 10th (Monday)

I've thought about this. Even if he showed up a totally different person - not insecure, not narcisstic, not materialistic, humble, not entitled, new friends- I don't think I would. I would just think it was a well rehearsed act.

If this ever happened unicorns would also likely be real, so I don't need to give it much thought.

DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Never. He walked away and have us no opportunity for R at all. He had no remorse whatsoever. I realize now that it was a blessing. I didn't have to deal with the abuse of false R.

I don't miss him at all and know that I deserve better.

BW - Me (38)
XWH -The Gnat
OW - Hello Kitty the Whore Engaged to the Gnat. I hear the white trash, wedding bells as we speak.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (7), 1 DS (2)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 934 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Never. He can stand on his head and whistle apologies through his asshole and I won't even fucking blink.

I did go through false R though but back then I didn't even know 1% of the whole story. If I had all the info on dday 1 I would've never given him a chance. I'm sure of it. My only reason for giving him a chance was because I wanted my son to have a father in his daily life. Now I know what a danger xwh is and I regret every second my son was exposed to him. I'll never forgive myself for it.

So no there is absolutely nothing that could ever convince me to take him back. Ever.

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 5:20 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 27597
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, February 10th (Monday)

I could not take him back now, too much water under the bridge. To many missed opportunities at R and he failed every time and always made it worse. I told him when I was giving him chances that actions speak louder than words. I would need for him to come to me to bring up the talks of A, that we would need to talk it out, that I was not sure of how long it would take but I would need to feel that he was truly remorseful not just sorry he got caught. I would need him to treat me like his wife and not one of his girlfriends we would make plans together for our future, we would be more open and both learn to communicate better. I had other issues with him besides the affairs, he never wanted to go out, have fun, do anything for that matter, I always felt like I was dragging him through life and he was always depressed, I always would find ways to surprise him, make him smile, I told him I wanted to feel the same from him. I would pay for everything for our home, I did the renovations, maintenance, he spent his money on toys or bragged about how much money he could save. I took the MIL on all of our trips, every time I planned getaways for us as a couple my MIL would suddenly come down with the flu or say she saw angels and she believed they were coming to take her to heaven, so my Husband would bring her to everything I had planned for us. I never said anything about it even though he never met my family, never even wanted to they lived 3000 miles away. I work a very high stress job, but I never mentioned a word to him about how rough my work days were. It was always about him. I asked him to tell OW #2 that she was to leave me alone (she was threatening me) and his version of telling her that was an email to her saying how sorry he was for the pain he had caused her??
He wants me still to this day, even though I have bought a new home, I do NC I work too much to have much of a life so my life is the same just he is not in it. But even if he showed up down on one knee or actually rode a unicorn over to my house to beg me for R, I know what I would be getting back. Life is too short.

BS ME (38)
WH (48)
09/05/2014 DIVORCED!!!!

WH had 2 affairs in first year of marriage

Posts: 252 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Georgia
Member # 41999
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, February 10th (Monday)

When I first suspected that WW was having an A, I was distraught or what I call being in an emotional vortex. So what was on my mind was to keep our family together. Now, that I don't care anymore and have already filed for D, I can say unequivocally that I would not take her back. It is in my personality that even if we tried to make it work, that I would throw it in her face every time I felt it warranted and that would not be conducive to R.
I just think that an A is a deal breaker. When what I call the innocence of marriage, where intimacy was to be shared ONLY between us, that when WW crossed the line, it was finished. I now see WW as spoiled fruit or a used toy. So I am waiting for the court hearing so I can discard it.

[This message edited by WestMonroe91 at 5:48 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

BS-60 (me)
DD-25, DS-21, DS-20

Posts: 63 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 37293
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Oh, gosh...never.

He had so many opportunities to have a successful marriage (years of counseling, late-night talks, co-reading books, etc.) while we were married.

He ultimately bought his ticket to leave the marriage, so I let him.

"Taking the high road, and doing it with class."


Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, February 10th (Monday)

No. I finally got to the point that I knew this for sure about a year ago. It took 3 years to get there. I am not willing to invest another minute in him.

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5329 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, February 10th (Monday)

I never said I would take him back, and don't know that I would have but I was willing to give R a try with conditions- MC for us both, IC for him (I'm already in IC), full disclosure, full transparency. When I said there would be conditions and didn't know if he would be willing or even capable of doing the conditions he said no he couldn't before he ever heard them. I knew then he had no intentions of R. There continues to still be no remorse- it's still all my fault. Of course he has spent a long time convincing himself that what he was doing was ok and justified it in his mind any way he could that he now 100% believes that. Basically, not only does he lie to others- he lies to himself!

Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain

Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, February 10th (Monday)

My conditions were NC and quitting the job. He couldn't maintain or do either-- so I walked.

I think I would have taken him back up until about 4-6 months after DDay. I found out in April, we S in May and I filed in July, done by October. I can remember still being in pretty bad shape by the end of October (still depressed and pretty emotionally desperate). So I think I was still vulnerable.

But by November I was back on the job market and working full time again and that, coupled with NC and time started to turn me around.

I still hate what's happened to us and I think fondly back on the man I M. That said, one of my biggest sorrows now is that I know not only can I never take him back... but NC has been such a life-saver and so productive that I don't think I can ever talk to him again at this point.

Another factor for me is that I never really "hit anger" because I S/D so fast. The only time I really got enraged was when he broke NC with me a little over a month ago via email. I hit the effing roof to a degree that didn't really make sense given that he was just contacting me to inform me of a (former) family member's death. But that's when I realized that it's probably a very, very, very bad idea for me to ever see him again.

If I opened the door and he was out there... I just hope there isn't a blunt instrument within reach.

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Nope. A single conversation sealed it for me two weeks after d day.

Her: "When is it appropriate to take off the rings?"

Me: "Wy, does it bother him?"

Her: " Well, he asked....."


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Would I take him back and under what conditions? After I suffered a severe head trauma that caused me to forget everything.

I could never be with him again, I could be civil with him if OWifetress wasn't meddling in the middle. I think that civil is the best he can hope for after what he has done and said and honestly it would be for the kids. So that IrishLad could have both of his parents at high school graduation and other special times.

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1783 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, February 10th (Monday)

HELL no.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25850 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Suppose you opened the door and your ex or STBX was there on bended knee,

Round house kick right in the jaw...

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Nope. Never. No way.

Eta. I used to say it would take severe amnesia to get me to take him back. And even then, he would have to hope I didn't find my journal.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 6:36 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13

Posts: 497 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, February 10th (Monday)

He had his chance but it was false R for years. There is nothing he could do, even with the help of divine intervention, that would convince me to even allow him to take a step into my home. Guess that rules out reconciliation. I am so happy without him!

There is a wonderful life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1682 | Registered: Mar 2004
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, February 10th (Monday)


Okay, kidding aside, I do remember being in that place, hoping to come home and find him on the front step with an apology, and going back and forth in my head about whether I'd cuss him out or punch him in the nuts or give him conditions of reconciliation. It's a tough place to be.

Now though, the very thought of willingly going back near his level of disfunction is laughable.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13813 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, February 10th (Monday)

No way.

I put up with a LOT of his crap over the years. He could be embarrassing, rude, condescending, moody... but I loved him and knew that I wasn't perfect, and I always thought that love was about taking the good with the bad.

After he had an A? After several months of having sex with me while also having unprotected sex with a bored, spoiled housewife that he met on AM? Good god, NO. Add to the previous list of bad qualities that now he's also a liar, a cheat, a selfish pig, a man who clearly didn't care about his children or have any respect for himself, let alone me...

No thanks. He and CommandOwife may enjoy each other's brokenness ever after.

BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, February 10th (Monday)

HELL to the NO! He is a lying cheating ass. He has not changed and will never change.... To do that would require him to acknowledge he is broken and did bad things.

He is abusive, self-centered, and have I mentioned an ass?

Plus, I now find him completely repulsive. I don't know what I ever saw in him.

[This message edited by courageous at 10:14 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jan 2012
Sad in AZ
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Even several months after the D, if he had thrown the OW under the bus, I would have taken him back. The ship has now sailed. Half of the reason is the obvious. He chose someone else. The other half is more insidious. He''''''''s not aging well and his health is poor. I don''t care enough for him anymore to want to saddle myself with his care. I don''''''''t feel the least bit guilty about this.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 7:14 PM, February 10th, 2014 (Monday)]

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20330 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 23998
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Absolutely not!!! But I didn't always feel that way. I see many things so much clearer as time has passed, it's going on 7 years now. Clarity washes over me in waves and I realize I was not in a healthy relationship overall. I was a happy doormat and he was happy to take advantage of that. I don't dwell on it,every now and then I see something in my rear view window that I didn't see before. It clicks and I'm happy it's no longer. I much prefer looking forward to what could be than backwards to what could have been! Good luck to everyone on your journey!

Posts: 1253 | Registered: May 2009
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, February 10th (Monday)

I much prefer looking forward to what could be than backwards to what could have been!

positively: I love this!!

Posts: 1947 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, February 10th (Monday)

I did have a list in the beginning, but knew he was too selfish to ever accept it if he would have even asked. Think about your WS and what they can realistically do and be honest in your own heart of what they are capable of being able to do. Even though I was in denial, I knew he couldn't do it. He was way too emotionally jacked up and immature to ever take that road.

BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Suppose you opened the door and your ex or STBX was there on bended knee, contrite. Would you give them a pathway to R? What would it be?

Not only no, but hell no. But I'd do it with style. Picture that scene in Godfather II when he walks across the kitchen to the open door where his ex is standing just outside, and without changing his expression....slowly shuts the door.

That'd be me...

Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.

Posts: 433 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Member # 26576
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, February 10th (Monday)

I would take him back if I knew that I would never have to work again! He probably only has maybe 5 more years to live. If he had a bunch of money to leave me sure I'll take his nasty old ass back!

BS (me) 47
WS (him) 70
Together 7 1/2 years
married 6 years
no children together
Happily divorced 1/29/13!

Posts: 111 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: got2go
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Hell to the no

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Never. He can stand on his head and whistle apologies through his asshole and I won't even fucking blink.

Oh my, the mental image....

Hell NO! He just repulses me now.

-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 882 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Nope, never. I am so much happier and healthier without hid gross NPD self. My girls are happier too.

me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."

Posts: 2604 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Second time in a week I get to post one of my old taglines, stolen from another SIer:

I would rather shave my head with a cheese grater while chewing on tinfoil than touch that woman again-- kamandi

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5182 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, February 10th (Monday)

If he were sitting there on one knee I think I would laugh and shut the door....FTG - no interest and no time for that idiot - I wasted enough time that I had to take to heal. Honestly, he no longer matters.

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4631 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, February 10th (Monday)


Not if he crawled naked through a mile of broken glass to lie bleeding at my door.

I would rather spend the rest of my life single with no hope of romance than waste another day on him.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 945 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Member # 23386
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Wow! two pages of vehemently written NOs. Add me to the list. Early on here at SI I read a post where someone said stastically in the long run the BSs go on to have better lives than the WSs. In my gut, it felt right and now my experience has proven it to be so. I am so happy to be amoung such awesomeness!!

Together 17 years.
Married 15
Me: BW, now 44
Him WH
dday 9/08
3 daughters, now 19, 17, & 15
Divorced 12/04/12

Posts: 896 | Registered: Mar 2009
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Because of STBXH's behavior, I had to ask my DD16 if her father had ever been inappropriate with her (i.e. sexual abuse). No mother should ever have to ask her child that. Everything else I could eventually forgive. This, absolutely never.

The only reason he's still breathing is that I believe DD when she says nothing like that ever happened.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, February 10th (Monday)

I would do everything possible to contain my laughter (as I was coincidentally asked the same thing earlier and busted out laughing).

Though I don't know exactly what I would do. I would "want" to give him a chance to prove me right that he couldn't do the work to reconcile.... but I also see how much better life is WITHOUT him and how much of a shitty partner he was and will be. I know I could do a hell of a lot better and I am really wanting to find that better more than reconciling.

He lost the "innocent" love I had for him. And for that reason I don't think reconciling would be good for us. I could never devote myself mind, body and soul again.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 9:15 PM, February 10th (Monday)]

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Absolutely not. The sad part is that he still thinks it's possible.

But then, this is the man who committed statutory rape so many times without anyone finding out that it's as natural to him as breathing now.

Wow, can't believe I just wrote that. Oh well, might as well tell the whole truth, right?

Can't wait until I can file and go completely NC.

BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
1 OC 5 yrs old and another on the way (by different ONS)

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Suppose you opened the door and your ex or STBX was there on bended knee, contrite. Would you give them a pathway to R? What would it be?

I'd assume he was tying his shoe, but decided to go with the misconception to see what it might gain him.

I like the slow-door close! That ship has sailed!

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4157 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 16591
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, February 10th (Monday)

No - I knew it the instant the situation was confirmed.

There is no unringing the bell of lost trust. You can move forward. You can heal. You can change and become better - but you can never undo the hurt that was done.

For me, trust is a foundational element. Once broken, it cannot be returned to an unbroken state.

I was devastated. I said good-bye. We'd been together since we were 11 years old. I was 31 at the time.

Trust is such a precious thing.

Don't break it. Ever.

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: SoCal
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Positively NO! Every word out of his mouth is a lie....

Picture me as Clark Gable in Gone With the Wind telling XPOS, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" as I reply to his attempt at an apology, turn around, and walk away in style.....

BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet

Posts: 1211 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Absolutely effing not. Even if I could trust her (ha!) she's incredibly broken and not attractive to me any more.

Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Wow! I love this spicy group!! Such humorous answers!!

My answer is no ~ I don't deserve him.
I agree with some of the others who say it has to do with time. When I think back to my dday, I probably would ... I mean I would have taken him back within a four month time period. Knowing, absolutely KNOWING, he would not be able to make any real changes and that we would be rugsweeping. I knew that if I was ok with rugsweeping, then I was not healthy. So more work on myself and taw-daa ... I know I deserve better.

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2284 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, February 10th (Monday)

I was thinking about asking this same question to this group. Having evaluated my situation, I know our relationship was not healthy. If I took him back, it would be unending cycle of cheating and assholetry.

Moving forward to better, healthier relationship. He belongs in my past and that's where he'll stay.

D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.

Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Well, if he had a brain, personality and temperament transplant *after* doing enough years of IC work on himself to be a human, I could take him back........


No freakin' way!!! If he were at my door, I like the idea of the slow door slam. But, I have orders from IC that if that happens, I'm to stay inside and call 9-1-1 because he is a danger to me.

I thought about Got2GO's idea of taking him back for the money. But it only took a second to realize that he would first have to D slut and half of what he might have left now would be gone. With him being their sole support, he might be at my door looking to M me for *my* money!

Nope, no way! Life is just too good now!

Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2396 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, February 10th (Monday)


Take him back?

Here's what I wanted to do to him during MC when I was offering the possibility of R, but his response was that we were not allowed to discuss him, anything about him, anything I did not like about him or his behavior:

So let me be clear. Would I take him back?

In all I've run up about $50,000 in debt to divorce his perverted ass. I've worked long & hard to get away from him. Buh-bye, pervert!

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 31938
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

NOPE! It will not happen! Never, she doesn't deserve another chance, she's had enough.

Me BS 42, STBX 40 renamed numero cinco
OM#2 puppylove from HS
EA 10/07 thru 5/08
PA 5/12,13,14 and 7/26 of 08
Admitted to calls/email texts 08/08, TT until D/Day 10/10
OM#1, 9 mos after "I do"
She walked out on me and her kids 1/1/14 (

Posts: 314 | Registered: Apr 2011
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I was married for 22+ years, she was the love of my life (or so I thought ). It didn't take long to realize I had been treated like crap for a long time, it is amazing how many people tell you this after the divorce. I have met another woman that is so strong and has true courage. There is no way I would go back to that life!

BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!

Posts: 261 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I love the responses! Nature_Girl I was giggling in anticipation of your reply when I posted!

I saw some people mentioning R criteria so I was wondering his many there were that are still willing.

The Snake said to me the other day something like "once you divorce me you can''t get me back". I was trying to imagine under what scenario I''d be begging HIM

Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

N_G, I can NOT believe you would be that nice to him after he said that in MC!!!!

Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2396 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

No, never. There is no way to ever forget the evil inflicted during false R.

One of his latest emails, "you will never find anyone else like me".

Good lord I hope not!!!

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Yet another firm:


Edited to add:

Hell NO! He just repulses me now.

This happened to me too. I had to see him for one of DD's events. He opened his mouth to say something and I literally felt ill.

I am so thankful for those repulsive feelings. I feel so sad for the folks I see on here that are in such pain even after much time has passed.

Ironically what is more of a dealbreaker to me now (4 yrs out); is how he treated me during the D. All the lies, stalking, breaking in my house, stealing my stuff, etc. I expected him to man-up during the D.

Silly me.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 7:20 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.

Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)


She is a hopeless coward. Irresponsible, uncommitted and full of excuses.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 42210
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Depends on the day, but I am only 3 weeks out from dday and him moving in with OW.

Mostly no - he kept me hostage with lies and refused intimacy for me for so long that I wouldn't know how to feel desire for him again. I miss the (perception of) stability and not having to worry about money and that sort of thing. And I miss the identity that came with being a "wife" sometimes.

Sometimes I wish that we could create a relationship for being co-parents that looked like something from a sit-com with us joking and getting along and all of that, but that is just fantasy.

Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: kansas
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I would rather have a root canal, a migraine and a pap smear all on the same day.

I wouldn't go back to him for anything. He's vile, he's a compulsive liar and cheater, and not a very nice person either.

caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

NO. I'm done. I don't think there is any way to repair the damaged relationships between my children or myself. He is so selfish and caught up in his pity parties. His life sucks and I don't want to be a part of it any longer. Life is too short. I'm not far out and my life is already better. It is still a hard choice but I think it's more about the truth hurting and facing the fact he was always broken.

I can't wait to have funnier answers in the future....not quite there yet though but I loved reading these!

Me: 35
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 283 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 11536
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Very interesting that there is not any takers, and very strongly stated too. I am sure emotions are quite strong here. But I have known couples to remarry after D, so it must happen even if the percentage is low.

My WW has not left but the D is only weeks away and almost final.
After D, would I take her back? There are two answers that I would give. One, if she is the altered being she is now I could not. But if she were a remorseful and truly reformed person, then the answer is yes.
I think I am not ready to invalidate my past, my M in the good years. However I am not willing to accept her current incarnation.

You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Posts: 1578 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: New York
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Fuck no.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3429 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

As long as my arse points downwards, Sir Shagalot will NEVER enter my life again as anything other than the father of my children.

He can remain in the Shire of Shag with Lady Quimavere for the rest of his days as far as I am concerned. The amount of shit he has served on me and our children means there would not be a shovel big enough to follow behind him.


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I would rather have a root canal, a migraine and a pap smear all on the same day.

Plus a mammogram and a colonoscopy!

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Plus a mammogram and a colonoscopy!

Funnily enough I recently had both within two days of each other. At least with the colonoscopy I have no recollection of having been shafted and my boobs bounced back having been flattened by what felt like a steamroller.

Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
little turtle
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I took XH back after we were divorced. It lasted about a year before he slept with OW again. That was his last chance. I've moved on and haven't looked back since. It's been a little over 3 years since that happened. XH still suggests that he and I run away together and leave our SO's with the kids. Nope. Not gonna happen.

Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4212 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Member # 25552
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I do miss his....paycheck. But I will never be able to
unhear, "I never loved you. I just married the first thing to come along and give me a hug."

Me-BS Him-WS
Married-35 years
3 adult children
DD1-1/08. EA. In (fake) MC. "Just friends."
DD2-1/09. PA. Same OW,13 years younger. His married coworker.
Divorced-1/25/11 They married 2/12.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Sep 2009
Member # 34200
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I loved reading all of these responses. This is really entertaining!!!

I did take him back while still going forward with the divorce. I think it lasted 2 months or so. I really don't recall. In the end I just couldn't compete with LTA AP. She's just some kind of special (sarcasm).

Posts: 349 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

All I am is a pot of money to her. She has bled me dry and spent it with OM.

WW has been unremorseful and behaved like the victim when I had the audacity of complaining and leaving.

WW has "punished me" for everything "wrong" I've done by sleeping with OM again after a promise of reconciliation (the last sin? saying that I was still hurting). From what she explained she would do the same every time I "misbehaved" ("you started caring for me again so I'd stop seeing him but then you'd - insert perceived slight - so I'd go back to him"). Compounding the problem, he's an old abuser of hers.

And now she secured a L that wants to bleed me dry forever using my special needs son as a wedge to manipulate the court (even OM warned me).

And with all that, it has crossed my mind. But three things make me say no:

1) My IC telling me - if you get back together, you'll be back here in a year because she's got a lot of FOO issues she needs to resolve before she's healthy.

2) I asked her once - the bottom line is, what am I to you? She never answered it.

3) Every interaction since that is not about kids and logistics has been about how hard *she* has it. She who is in the house, getting her mortgage paid, not working and not spending enough time with the kids.

So no, I won't go back to my old abuser.

I'm not her.

Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 755 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Member # 40617
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I have to be honest and say there was a time when I wanted him back, so very desperately. I have since come to my senses.
He has never taken responsibility for his actions, apparently it "just happened." Everything is all my fault, he is so busy blaming everybody else for his predicament (no vehicle, no job, no status in this Country, no bank account/savings, etc.) he is so fully immersed in his own pity party, it is pathetic.
He doesn't understand why his children do not want to have a relationship with him, of course the story out there is that I have poisoned their minds against him. It couldn't be because you walked out on them, and had this other family on the go for 14+ months, while we were totally oblivious of this carry-on.
It must be a wonderful state of being, to be so blame free and not culpable, good luck with that
The children and I are so much better off without you in our lives, and I realise that now with the clarity of hindsight.
Good luck to us all in this horrible predicament.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Oh no. We shared some interests, but I can watch TV with the cats. Their idea of grooming is much less destructive.

“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3478 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)


Not even if he was the last man on earth--I rather let the human race die out.

I wouldn't piss on him if was on fire, in fact, I'd rather fan the flames to help him burn a little faster.

Even if he came to me on bended knee-- I'd know it would be nothing but a performance. I got that before and 1 week later he was getting a second phone because I found out he was still texting the OW.

I don't have enough years to live even if I live to be 120 for all the things wrong with that creep to be fixed. Even if he stayed in in-treatment for the rest of his days...OW really has done me a favor...

S, Filed 4/17/14--YAY, ME!!

Posts: 515 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

No, Hell No, and F*cking Hell No! He's a NPD POS passive aggressive compulsive lying cheater ... now ... what was it you wanted to know?? Oh .. NO FUCKING WAY!

Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Not a chance in hell he would come back on bended knee and not a snowball's chance in hell that I would be dumb enough to take on that piece of shit a second time.

I'll take the migrane, pap, colonoscopy, mammogram combo too before this idiot.

BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1442 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Every day since June 2009 was a new second chance for XWW. This means if she made one good choice for us, per day, she had approximately 1,642 days/chances to fix her shit. She squandered them all.

No more chances you cheating, lying, nasty Biatch...I'm fresh out!

Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Hell no!

I believe in giving people second chances. With ex, his second chance turned out to be false R.

I'm moving on with my gorgeous kids, and thankfully they only have to spend 48 hours a week with this excuse of a human being.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Member # 41837
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

No! No! And No!!!

He still wants me to give him......wait for more chance. Cause now he is REALLY trying to change.

He has to many chances AND to much time to make things right. Game over!!!!!

Me- BS 44 Always faithfull
Him- WS 44
2 mo. EA/PA with 25 yr. old slut that stroked his ego, online profiles, CL ads
Married 8 years-No kids together
False R many different times fromJan/13 till Dec/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern Indiana
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 963 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Me: No

But it is mind boggling to me when a woman does take him back. Lucky for me my current non cheating husband's ex wife of 15 years left him to go back to her cheating ex.

His ex and her first DH were married 7-8 years with 2 small children when he left her for his secretary. Thus began a WAR of over a decade with lies, multiple lawsuits - both claiming the other did horrible things. She turned him into IRS, his new wife claimed she sexually abused the children. I mean really horrible stuff.

But when her first ex divorced his wife she ran back to him with open arms leaving my now DH in the dust. I met him a few years later so he'd had time to recover.

From what I hear - they fight like cats and dogs. I'd bet money he still cheats.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Wow! I feel pretty stupid after reading this. I have promised to give him a chance to start a new relationship once the separation agreement is legalized. Conditions are that he continue weekly therapy sessions for sexual addiction and the two of us would attend couples counseling at least once a month and then I would be willing to consider "dating". I told him that there was no chance that I would be willing to paste our old marriage back together.

He has agreed to that for now but I am still waiting. I'm really in limbo until the separation is legal. I fully expect him to quit trying once he realizes I am serious about not moving back in with him. I think he wants a wife not really me. He swears otherwise. Anyhow, I'm willing to wait for him to show his true colors.

So, he has been given "conditions" but not to go back to where we were.

Posts: 1952 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Three words:

Never Never Never

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 12:28 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I would but I would never go back to letting him get away with the shit I let him get away with before. It would take a lot of begging and pleading and proof that it would be better.

me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13 and Divorcing
OC Born May 14

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)

She would have to SHOW me 110% commitment to making up what she has done to me. She will have already been in counseling. She would have proof that the A is over and there is no one else. She will implore that we go to couples counseling (I'd say MC, but we're proceeding to D already). She would need to realize that I have every right to question her and that it's on her to prove to me that she is who she used to be and that i can trust her again. Actions need to speak louder than words.

There are many who know me and my WW who believe that she will come crawling back one day. I wouldn't be surprised, but I am also not about to hold out hope or wait for her. If and when she shows up, me taking her back or not will also depend a lot on where I am at. I say I would be ready to reconcile now, but months or maybe years from now, it could be a whole 'nother story.

She wanted out of my life, and that was her decision. As much as I truly do still love and care about her, I owe her nothing at this point.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

WH keeps asking me how he can prove he has changed and I just don't know. Maybe it's not even possible after 3x. I have been told that it takes time but I don't know how much time. Meanwhile, I am living alone, no romance and no sex. The fact that I am feeling like I want those things in my life makes me think I am healing.

Posts: 1952 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Ooops! double post!

[This message edited by SusanR at 9:04 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 1952 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

never ever ever.. ever.

only way I would consider it is: if I had kids w them and the person proved to me w out asking, all the right things. but then again we would not be divorced if that person did that in first place.

so never ever ever.

[This message edited by lifestoshort at 12:27 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.

Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)


Not even if he were boiled in Clorox first.

Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

Posts: 1743 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)


I left in October. I don't miss him. AT ALL.

"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Member # 32317
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Well, I know I'm bucking the trend here, but I've thought a lot about this, and I would take her back. Really.

However, I'd have the following non-negotiable conditions:

1. We will not cohabitate. She'll remain in her condo and I in my house;
2. We will not tell the kids;
3. We will not spend time together;
4. I'll continue to date my SO;
5. She wont contest any provisions of the pre-nuptial agreement I provide her, and will sign it and the marriage license in the presence of my attorney;
6. Following our immediate re-divorce, she won't contact me again. Per the aforementioned pre-nup, child support payments will be deposited into a joint-access account, with expenditures subject to my review, and I will no longer pay for any aspect of her lifestyle.

One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I think about it. Like, reel him in for some false R, so I can fuck his brother, best friend, boss, etc. Then kick him out of his house, take his $$$, his dog & inflict 1% of the shit he saw fit to heap on me.

That revenge fantasy makes me laugh. I'd never do it, tho.

Like Dmari said, I don't deserve him. Initially, I felt that OW didn't deserve him. It's taken a bit to understand that yes, yes, OW is the one who absolutely deserves him.

I know him well enough to know that he's never going to change. Taking him back is a moot point, at best.

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 768 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

NEVER in a million years would I ever, ever, ever consider taking him back. which answers the second part of your question.

Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 38495
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Only if he'd gotten a lobotomy!!!!!!

Trust is a fragile thing- once its lost it's gone forever!!

Posts: 248 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: mj052
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Like Dmari said, I don't deserve him. Initially, I felt that OW didn't deserve him. It's taken a bit to understand that yes, yes, OW is the one who absolutely deserves him.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2284 | Registered: Oct 2012
New Member
Member # 42452
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I thought I would at first. But the more I pondered the more I concluded I did the right thing. Affairs are selfish. He did not consider anyone, but himself. My kids are crushed my self worth is gone. The emotion scars will haunt my kids. WH flaunted affair in front of my two young sons. And neither him or OW who was my friend showed any remorse. who can hurt their kids like that and not feel guilt.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Ft Worth, TX
Member # 19595
Funny  Posted: 11:59 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)


He doesn't deserve me ! Besides he's almost 75 yrs old and has a child under the age of one with Twat. No fucking way am I paying his child support,

would you take them back and under what conditions?

That really was a joke wasn't it ?

It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20384 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

No I would not take him back.

Or, maybe I would if I did something that I felt was so irredeemable and unforgivable that I needed to be punished for life. Then yep, taking him back would be punishment enough for that crime.

Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 40393
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

NO- NEVER. My MC said to me, "How long do you want to keep drinking poison?" No more for me thanks. I'll let the OW partake of that now. They deserve each other.

Me: 50
WH: 50 pro cake-eater, NPD, SA
Married 33 years
D-Days 3-4-12, 8-19-12 (EA, probably PA)porn,ashleymadison, etc, etc
4 sons, 3 daughters
8 grandkids
Divorcing - finally

Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Utah
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

Wow! I feel pretty stupid after reading this. I have promised to give him a chance to start a new relationship once the separation agreement is legalized. Conditions are that he continue weekly therapy sessions for sexual addiction and the two of us would attend couples counseling at least once a month and then I would be willing to consider "dating". I told him that there was no chance that I would be willing to paste our old marriage back together.

(((SusanR))) don''t feel stupid. Everyone is different and at different stages with different WS''s. No might be the cool and often humorous answer but it doesn''t mean it''s the right answer for you. Your criteria seem solid.

Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Helen of Troy
Member # 26419
Revenge  Posted: 7:02 AM, February 13th (Thursday)


Posts: 4719 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

I would rather pack my ass full of 180s, and squat over a flaming hibachi, than take my XWW back!

~Jimmy Kimmel...well, sorta.

Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
million pieces
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

My ex sat me down and confessed and said he didn't want to loose his family. I gave him a list of things that he needed to do to have me work on R (I got several things right even before SI!). That lasted like 36 hours. Finally figured out he had taken his A underground, confronted him, and then he left. 3 weeks total. I was still offering R if he could meet my conditions until a couple of weeks later and I was in a pretty bad car accident with both kids and he choose to go to a concert w OW instead of coming home to help. He sent a friend to go to the accident site (note, once his best friend found out where he was ex was no longer his friend). The next IC appointment I walked in and said, your goal is to get me over him. I am done, I don't EVER want someone as selfish as him in my life. My brain has never wanted him back since that day. In fact other than one "conversation" that we had a few months later where he called me as much of a slut as I had called OW because I was spotted having a drink with a guy at a bar (oh, the horror!) I have never had a conversation with him that was longer that 3-4 sentences, even about the kids. It has been almost 4 years.

So there is nothing he or anyone could do that would ever want him back in my life.

Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

Absolutely never ever ever ever

Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed

Posts: 1757 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

Hell no. I deserve more than a liar and a cheat.

I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 484 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

I'd take her back immediately--IF she magically transformed into the person who never did this to me and our children.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

He had his chance but it was false R for years. There is nothing he could do, even with the help of divine intervention, that would convince me to even allow him to take a step into my home. Guess that rules out reconciliation.

This ^^^ says it perfectly, exactly the same for me.

Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1876 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

He had his chance but it was false R for years. There is nothing he could do, even with the help of divine intervention, that would convince me to even allow him to take a step into my home. Guess that rules out reconciliation.

^^THIS. He always knew I was too good for him even on his best day. The problem for him is that now I now it too.

In the months straight after S my answer may have been different but that was not love, it was fear.

[This message edited by SBB at 6:35 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5619 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

There was a time I would have but it would've been a big mistake. I could never trust him again and I would've been miserable. It takes time because you want the whole married life thing back, but in my case, I can finally say I don't love him "like that" any more.

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, February 14th (Friday)

Not a chance in hell! In fact, almost a year after our break up he had some sort of crisis with the OW and he called me bawling and begging me back. He went on and on about how sorry he was for everything he did to me. He said he didn't love her and would never love anyone like he did me..... blah blah blah. He then contradicted himself and tried telling me she didn't exist. I told him we were never getting back together. That ship has sailed. I asked if he had been drinking, to which he replied that he had been sober for two months. Two seconds after that he said he had to go and hung up in a hurry. About ten minutes after that the phone rang again. This time it was a Sherriff saying he was arresting him and could I come get our dogs!! So I went. Turns out he was drunk while on talking on the phone to me, pulling what used to be our 40' fifth wheel down the highway!!! Yup, that definitely sealed the deal, no hope for any R for us, I was so done with his behaviours.

Then I find out a few days later the cops impounded the truck and camper, and shipped him off to the mental hospital because he attempted suicide while locked in jail that night. A couple days after I get a call again from him, same thing - I want our old life back. I shut him down told him it would never happen. A couple more days I find out he is back with OW!!!

What a piece of work. Thank god I am free of his bullshit.

Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, February 14th (Friday)


That is all.

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15420 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, February 14th (Friday)


Not even then.

Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, February 14th (Friday)

Never. Never ever. There is nothing The Princess could do to make me want her back. It''s not just because of the three months of false reconciliation. It''s not just because of the threesome she was about to have when I read her email on DDay. It''s not just because of the "This email is no longer private" that she sent to a coworker immediately after I confronted her.

It''s also not just because of all the retroactively suspected cheating over our entire marriage. It''s not the flirting she did with every man (and boy!) she has ever met.

Those were the things that made me stand up and take notice. That''s when I also noticed that she has been on a mission through our entire relationship to demoralize me, weaken me, make me dependent on her, and harpoon my self esteem (what self esteem?). I realized that she is emotionally abusive, and terminally discontented.

As a buddy told me, whenever he hears about his ex hooking up with someone new, he thinks to himself, "Poor fucking bastard!" He sent me a meme the other day that showed a stereotypically hot woman, and said under it, "Someone else is putting up with her shit now!"

Life finally has a chance to be good now. I would NEVER fuck that up by even considering taking her back.

Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 2144 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, February 14th (Friday)

I wish there was a like button for posts. LOVE the frozen hell sign and I agree not even then. I have no idea who I have been married to for the last 18 years.

I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched

Posts: 209 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
New Member
Member # 4724
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, March 10th (Monday)

No. After I threw him out, I realised how miserably he had been treating me for years. I cannot believe I never saw it whilst I was with him!!

I can't ever go back to that. It nearly destroyed my soul.

Me: BW
Him: WS
Two kids aged 25 and 24.
We are now divorced.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Australia
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, March 10th (Monday)

Never, not even if he was the last man on earth.

He had his 3 chances, 3 strikes your out!

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, March 10th (Monday)

I think about it every day.

There was a time that I would definitely have accepted her back under the right conditions.

As soon as she started actively preventing me from seeing my children and accusing me of abuse I changed my mind. That and her pregnancy.

I now realise more than ever that she ticks every box of being a sociopath. Therefore she will never, ever realise what she's done and how much she has destroyed me and the children

You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Member # 38154
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, March 10th (Monday)

No. Once he revealed the affair and once he made it clear that he didn't regret it, that sealed the deal. I have to trust the person I'm with.

M - 25 yrs
DDay - August 5, 2010
Divorced - December 12, 2011
He married the OW 35 days later
"Fall seven times, stand up eight" - Japanese proverb

Posts: 79 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, March 10th (Monday)

This post was started a month ago and I remember reading it and, without posting a response, knowing my answer was yes, if xyz. I still have a small willingness to consider taking him back if he could get his shit together...but a month later, I can see more clearly how he just is wired to be this way (really think NPD is involved) and any 'change' is extremely unlikely--he can't even stick with IC for crying out loud, and his pity-party messages only come through late at night, probably after drinking and/or sad ONSs. And I think back on everything he's done and know there is a better, healthier guy out there for me. Or just a better, healthier cat--forget guys!

So while I don't have a 'not even if hell froze over' answer I feel good that I'm more able to have some distance on the question now!

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, March 10th (Monday)

Never. Not in a million years.


Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.

Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, March 10th (Monday)

Until just last week I may have said "maybe" but wouldn't have had any clarity on the issue.

Now? No.

He cheats, lies, manipulates, and is totally irresponsible. He has shown how little me or his family mean.
With this last bit of posting online about ME being those things then coming out and saying he doesn't believe the baby I carry is his daughter...

No. No. Hell NO.

It was the best thing that ever happened to my mental health - instant cure for some major "hooks", codependency delusions, etc. I'm now feeling more like a bear just let out of a trap.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 115