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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Just told WW i want a D
neverwillhapn2me
Member
Member # 41912
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, February 10th (Monday)

So I saw a Lawyer today for a consult. It doesn't look good financially for me but I figured that from my own research.

I came home waited until the kids were in bed then told my WW I saw a L and I am going to file for D.

Her Response " Well I guess reality had to come some day soon"

No begging , pleading, I was in shock I said " so do you have anything u want to say" silence.

I know telling her I saw a Lawyer would not be advisable but I want to up front and honest so this can be smooth for me and my children.

I feel like an ASS I want to cry for my boys.

Am I being selfish? should I sacrifice my happiness for them? I love this women soo much.

FUCK!!!!!!!!


The saddest thing about betrayal is it never comes from your enemies


If your searching for that one person that will change your life, look in the mirror.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ontario
imwideawake
Member
Member # 23386
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, February 10th (Monday)

((never)),You are not being selfish. You are showing your boys how to respect themselves. You would want the same for them. You deserve to be loved and respected by your partner. I get that you love her, but she hasn't shown you love. You need to love yourself now. This is the right move. One us here on this forum had to take. It is hard, but it gets better. Life gets better. Trust that.

[This message edited by imwideawake at 8:37 PM, February 10th (Monday)]


Together 17 years.
Married 15
Me: BW, now 44
Him WH
dday 9/08
3 daughters, now 19, 17, & 15
Divorced 12/04/12

Posts: 885 | Registered: Mar 2009
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Do you love THIS women or the one you thought you married a long time ago? Cause the one you have now disregarded you and opened your private life to another.
You are not selfish.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 300 | Registered: Aug 2013
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, February 10th (Monday)

I have learned the hard way that you can love someone, but not be able to be with them. Not all divorces are battles. Just don't expect anything in divorce that you didn't get in marriage. Good luck to you.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, February 10th (Monday)

It's ok to cry for your boys. And staying with your WW for the boys is not the right reason- you now have the opportunity to take charge of your future. And you are not being selfish-----the person who went outside the marriage is the selfish one. Today was a big step- I know because I'm only 2 weeks out from filing but I am in a much better place emotionally than I was 2 weeks ago. Strength to you.


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
bigskyblues
Member
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Hell no you are not being selfish! I too loved my wife and hated filing for D. I was so devastated by the A that I was worried about my own well being. I decided I had to remain strong and healthy for my children and family. The only way to remain strong and healthy was to let her go.

BSB


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 192 | Registered: Sep 2012
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

How is staying with someone who cheats helping your boys? Wouldn't that be teaching them it's OK to be with someone who mistreats you? Or worse, teaching them it's OK to cheat?


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49468 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Never,

I agree with everyone else. You have to do what is right for you. I recommend that since you told your WW that you act as quickly as you are able to. I also wanted to be upfront and told her that I saw an L and what our options were and how we can handle things amicably and not get ugly. She listened to what I had to say and then saw an L on her own and blindsided me and filed behind my back. Be prepared for her to strike.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3406 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Ditto what gahurts said.

It is not you and she working this out. It is the lawyers when it comes down to it. Please remember that this is a legal process. It is cold, dispassionate and at the end of the day does not care for your pain, but this process can wreak havoc on your life if you don''t navigate it properly. My advice is let your lawyer know what you told your WW and let your lawyer proactively act as your advocate in this process. I guarantee you that your WW''s lawyer will not be restrained in representing her vigorously.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3726 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
neverwillhapn2me
Member
Member # 41912
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Thank everyone, I know im making the right choice for me I just don't know if it is for my children.

I was on FB and a friend posted a youtube video of a bride walking down the isle singing look at me. I avoided watching it because I did not want to cry. Well I just watched it and I started to cry, why..... half through I realized why I was crying, I never had what these two new couple are sharing with family and friends.

I cried and the sad thing is it only cemented my decision. I want that, true love , happiness.

WOW life can throw some curve balls our way.


The saddest thing about betrayal is it never comes from your enemies


If your searching for that one person that will change your life, look in the mirror.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ontario
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Hell yes to the curveballs!! I too was completely blindsided .. but 4 months out from D-Day I know I'm already more like the old me .. before I tamped down my intuition and suspicions because how could I think he would do that?? pfft ... he did and now I am working on ME!

Work on you, on making your life the best for your kids ... they deserve love and respect .. and so do you!

[This message edited by BAB61 at 11:18 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)

half through I realized why I was crying, I never had what these two new couple are sharing with family and friends.

Don't judge your life based on someone else's FakeBook posting or any wedding to that matter. A one day wedding does not mean these two will be happy forever. We've all learned that. I had a great wedding...but look where it ended up in the end for me.

I think it takes time to become more realistic about life and expectations. You are new to this but in several years you will think differently and look back to see red flags that were wrong in your marriage...her issues and your's. Difference is you didn't go outside the marriage to try to solve them...she did. I never got the chance to make the decision you are getting to make. I still don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. But all I know is that some people are just poor at communication and solving personal problems.

Her reality hasn't set in yet. She sounds unremorseful by her response. All you can do now is get strong. And no...sacrificing your happiness isn't selfish in your situation. It's different if she said that to you. Mine said she needed to be happy. So I just let her. Thing is I really don't think she's happy right now.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I agree with everyone else. You have to do what is right for you. I recommend that since you told your WW that you act as quickly as you are able to. I also wanted to be upfront and told her that I saw an L and what our options were and how we can handle things amicably and not get ugly. She listened to what I had to say and then saw an L on her own and blindsided me and filed behind my back. Be prepared for her to strike.

neverwillhapn2me, this happened to me as well. I wished the hell I didn't say anything and just served her instead. The whole pace of the process was dictated by her and her attorney when she jumped the filing ahead of me. You won't think this matters much now in your current state of emotions, but if you don't go take care of this ASAP you'll be wishing you did down the road.

Look, you can pull out of the process if she does remove her head out of her ass before it's all official and shows REAL remorse. Hell, even if it does become official and later she shows remorse, you can always start a new relationship with her or remarry. There are options.

Just remember, between you and your WW one of you has to be a rock, a source of strength, and a true adult that your kids can rely on. You and all of us here prefer that person would be you right now. Just focus on that.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 442 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Topic Posts: 13