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Reconciliation
User Topic: what to do for Valentine's Day?
hobbeskat
Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Last Valentines Day was our first as a married couple and it was awful. No cards because he'd told me days before he wasn't in love with me. During the day he was out drinking and we went out that night and I was pathetically trying to make him love me. We had rough (aggressive on his part sex) that night and the next day he walked out on me, telling me he was done. He was in the A and D day was a week later.

So naturally, valentines day marks the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life. We are in such a better place this year. He got it off work but I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to reclaim it. Part of me wants him to surprise me with a grand gesture. Part of me would be angry if he did. Should we just skip it, know this year is too raw?


Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

The first few years post dday, these *romantic* occasions are so difficult. I know as a BS I did the "push me/pull you" dance... No I don't want to celebrate but you damn well better acknowledge it. It was crazy making for both of us.

My advice is TALK. Talk to each other about what you want/need. If you WANT a big surprise, let him know. If you DON'T want anything,let him know.

Yes, I know they should be able to read our minds, but when our minds don't even know what we want... well it's a losing battle. So Talk.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 6:41 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6568 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Do what you want. Of you don want to celebrate don't. If you want a grand gesture then he has to be told. Getting disappointed because he doesn't do anything without outlining expectations is a recipe for disappointment.

This is really just a greeting card holiday and unless it is some sort of anniversary don't make a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.

For us it marks 28 years together. So we do something but not a lot for it. Usually a nice meal and a quiet evening is all.

For our first anti I warned him that I wanted something special to show his love an appreciation for us and me. The second I surprised him with a date night and the gift of true forgiveness. Now at 5 years it's just another day.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
hobbeskat
Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

But I don't know what I want! I'm conflicted about it.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

He is probably feeling the same way. Open up some dialogue.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6568 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Talk about it with him. Decide together. Go from there.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
TICKED OFF
Member
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I chose early on to do nothing. Valentines is especially hard for me because he was well into his affair with our neighbor during that time frame. So though he would like to celebrate it, we just don't.

It does sadden me when I walk into the stores and see all the beautiful flowers and balloons all over the place, but I do think this is the best way for me to handle it even ten years later. You just have to do what you think is right in your own heart. Celebrate or don't, whatever makes you happy.

[This message edited by TICKED OFF at 7:14 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2465 | Registered: Sep 2005
VeryUncertain
Member
Member # 37845
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

I totally understand where you're coming from. Valentine's is a fake holiday to me so I want WH to cook us (the family) dinner and then I want to watch a movie. I don't expect a card. I tried to pick a card out for him and then just felt gross reading them all so selected a "family" card letting him know how much we ALL appreciated him as a family. There's some part of me that wants some grand gesture on his part but it's not going to happen. So, just this once , I'm letting my realistic side take over and I'm just going to enjoy the evening with my little family, watch a movie with WH, and go to bed. The others are wise - decide what you really want and set expectations accordingly. I'm the worst at that but I can recognize good advice when I read it (whether I can actually take it or not is a different story ). Good luck - hope you have a really fun, non-horrific day!


BS (Me): 38
WH: 43
2 beautiful, precious daughters: 4 & 2
Found out early Aug. 2012, separated 2/4/13, in R (?) since 7/2013.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: MD
RedRose
Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I too was conflicted on whether to celebrate or just ignore it. WS and I decided together to make dinner together on the 15th (our son's birthday is the 14th) after the kids go to bed. In lieu of presents, we are each planning six dates for the next year, one a month; I love the idea of knowing we will have a date night every month, and don't have to worry about the planning.

I also was pleasantly surprised at work today with an Edible Arrangement - because while the holiday brings up painful memories, I am happy to be replacing them with happier memories.

I think you need to go with your gut - will you feel better celebrating, and making new, happier memories together, or will any celebrating remind you of the pain he put you through last year? There are no right or wrong answers - do whichever feels right for you.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
myeverafter
Member
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

We haven't discussed Valentine's Day. I don't know what fWH will do. And part of me doesn't know what I want him to do... I tried to look at Valentines day cards yesterday and felt like I was going to have a panic attack in Target. I also looked at the regular love cards, but... I found one that could have "worked", but... It said something about sticking by my with all my bad moods or something like that... But it reminded me of how he "left" me...

It just makes me so made that he spent last year with her and our son... They both had the day off last year and our son didn't have school. OW and her husband had just bought snowmobiles. So DH asked if it would ok if the three of them went snowmobiling together. (Her spouse had to work too.) Since WE were all friends together, "Why not"... After the kids, we never really did a lot for V-day ever anyways. I ended up working and got take out Chinese and picked up our other two kids from daycare. They didn't get back until later in the evening...


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2013
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

I used to love Valentine's Day, back when I thought I was the luckiest woman alive and married to the greatest husband in the world. Now, not really feeling the cupid love. But the love that we have now is based on truth and honesty, and despite the unbearable pain I would never go back to the way it used to be. For me, a lot of the healing has come from seeing my H for who he REALLY is, not who I imagined him to be. I let go of all the romance crap. It's got zero to do with love.

My H told me not to do anything for him, which helped a lot. I'm not ready to stand in front of a card counter and read through Hallmark cards. I may never be ready for that, actually. I made him a card, and wrote a list of all the things I love about him and appreciate about him. It was good for me to do that - just to focus on the things that still remain, that I do admire about him - for my own sake. Our lives together have to be about more than his affair.

I don't know what he's doing for me. I hope it it's meaningful. Last year his A went physical at this time - they exchanged gifts. She got diamonds, but I didn't get anything because we were broke. So, not sure how a man makes up for something like that. He has to live with himself; I'm not going to spend energy thinking of ways for him to make it up to me. The only possible thing he can do is to spend the rest of his life remorseful and faithful and truthful.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

We are buying each other cycling shoes (which we both need) and maybe a card. Not terribly romantic, but it is something we do together - so I like it for that.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Hannah25
Member
Member # 42198
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

We have never celebrated Valentine's Day. I've never been into that kind of thing. Now, we are a month out from DDay, and part of me hopes that he'll do something nice for me. Nothing grand, just something to show me that he's thinking of me. I'm afraid to get my hopes up, though, since we've never acknowledged the holiday before.


ME: 35
WBF: 44
Together 11 years
DDay: 1/12/14
DDay2: 3/28/14

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 13