Sorry to keep going down this common path with many of my posts. I wish I could just be angry, fill myself up with total loathing for my WW and what she has so horribly wrecked. I wish I could hate her for all the pain she put me through. There are times, but mostly I'm stuck on what used to be.
My head is full of memories, pictures, and "movies" of what once was. I go back to the first time I laid eyes on her. I knew she was the one the first time I saw her. I felt it through and through. I recall the first time we kissed as if it were yesterday, down to what she was wearing, what she smelled like, what she tasted like. I remember the first time we made love. I remember the way she looked in her wedding dress as her father walked her down the aisle. She was never more beautiful.
I remember the woman that wouldn't leave my side when I had a bit of a health scare. I remember her curling up next to me in that uncomfortable hospital bed. I felt like the luckiest man in the world. She was by my side for a lot of tough times. My father's passing, both my grandmothers, my uncle. All people who met her and loved her as family, because it was impossible not too. She was just that type of person, a kind soul, a truly beautiful woman, inside and out
I see all the little things that made me fall in love with her over and over again. The silly dances she would do in the middle of a grocery store aisle when no one but me was looking. Sitting across the table from her at restaurants we frequented and catching her smiling at me a smile that just says "I am the luckiest woman in the world." There were times she smile and me and tear up, overcome with happiness. I was the luckiest man in the world for a long, long time. I should have told her more.
There were great vacations. There were lazy Sundays just vegging out together. There are just so many incredible pictures on constant rotation in my mind of the incredible time, this powerful thing, this unbridled and pure love and affection, our life. Never would I ever remotely think there would be an end until the sad day that one of us would leave this earth. Til death do us part. I figured our souls would become one in the afterlife. She was truly my world, my heart, my everything. Yes, we had challenges to say the least, some I wouldn't wish on anyone. But together, we could survive and thrive after anything.
Yet here I am. This is my cold new reality. This is a life without her. I don't know that there is anything in this world I wouldn't do, anything I wouldn't sacrifice, to have her back. That woman is gone.