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Reconciliation
User Topic: I feel I'm always waiting
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I need to move on from waiting.

Waiting for my H to address the emails I write to him late at night when I can't sleep.

Waiting for him to come home each day and hoping that we will have a few moments to talk privately.

Waiting for his timeline.

Waiting for him to begin a conversation with me about the A.

Waiting for him to respond to my latest questions.

Waiting for him to get OW's voice off his business answering machine.

Waiting for him to revisit the Wayward thread where he finally posted, got some great responses, then never replied.

Waiting for him to get some help, either here or with a therapist.

Waiting for him to want to understand how we got here and why he did what he did.

Waiting to talk about the books we both read.

Waiting to feel that we have done all these things so that we can turn a corner.

Waiting to feel that I am not waiting anymore.

Waiting to let myself feel happy again.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)

it looks like you forgot

Waiting for him to decide the direction my life will take


Don't let him do this. Take back control of your life. Realize how wonderful it can be. With or without him.

YOU are worth the time and energy it takes to have happiness, don't allow him to dictate how or when it happens.

(((hugs)))


ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Ditto to what karmahappens said.

Waiting for him to take any steps forward for his own self-healing means you may be waiting for years to come. From your posts, its obvious that he is taking the minimum steps forward and those that he are doing are because you are pressuring him. There doesn't seem to be a cycle of pro-active healing, either for him, you or the marriage. He's had two years and it seems that he has just coasted the whole time.

You can continue to wait for him or you can make decisions not to set the agenda forward. By creating a 180 plan, you take control of your life and let him play catch up if he wants. I firmly believe that a truly remorseful WS will be able to move past the fears of having the lies and secrets of the A being exposed if R is the air in their lungs.

Stilllovinghim - You have got to work every single day on yourself and on your M if you want this to survive. This is the most important thing in your life. This is the air in your lungs. Don't squander it.

I think you need to stop waiting and take action. Stop being wishy-washy and take charge. Making that decision is hard, nobody says its easy but you either take control of the your life or you might as well just rug sweep it all under the table now and accept that you will not get what you are hoping for.

HUFI

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 11:21 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)]


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)


it looks like you forgot
Waiting for him to decide the direction my life will take

I know my post sounds like I am waiting for this also, but I know what direction I want my life to take. My vision is the same as his. I think we just have different ideas on how to get there.

I'm a bit stuck on believing I need these things in order to turn a corner, whereas he is in a "enjoy each other every day NOW, and look forward, not back" mode.

I just wonder sometimes if I am being too stubborn by demanding that my requirements be met. Perhaps he is not able to give me those things. Maybe I should give up, give in, just give.


I think you need to stop waiting and take action. Stop being wishy-washy and take charge. Making that decision is hard, nobody says its easy but you either take control of the your life or you might as well just rug sweep it all under the table now and accept that you will not get what you are hoping for.

I really don't want to do a 180 if I understand it correctly. I don't want to distance myself in any way. I feel the connection we have now is so much better than during those dark years that I don't want to let go of it.

I don't quite know what action to take. Two nights ago I wrote him another email telling him that I will give him until the end of this month to move forward on his promises to seek help and to initiate discussions with me. Also by the end of the month, I would like the timeline to be completed and her voice off the message recording. I hated to use the word ultimatum, so instead I used the word motivation. The motivation for him to do these tasks is that he will be able to continue to share a bed with me. I guess I just have to hope that is "motivation" enough. At the time of the email, I mentioned that he had 18 days to begin the first two requirements and to complete the second two.

A short conversation by phone yesterday made me think that he wanted to find the time last night to talk about it. Well, we found some time alone and he talked - about anything other than my message.

I know it is difficult for him, but my patience has worn very thin.

I will not rug sweep. I have taken the only action I can. I don't want to tell him to leave. I don't want to move on without him. We are in this together, so what more can I do?

[This message edited by FightingBack at 12:13 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I do not in any way mean to be snarky...but you have me confused

your post is all about waiting on him and from the looks of he he is doing nothing.

I know my post sounds like I am waiting for this also, but I know what direction I want my life to take. My vision is the same as his. I think we just have different ideas on how to get there.

He seems to think it's just going to happen ...


I'm a bit stuck on believing I need these things in order to turn a corner, whereas he is in a "enjoy each other every day NOW, and look forward, not back".

Looking forward with no healing action and living with your happiness "now" is rugsweeping.

You said you haven't given ultimatums, but motivations? Really? 18 days to take her voice off the answering machine? What is wrong with NOW right now?

He is being disrespectful to you. You seem to be settling for the appearance of "better than the dark days" IMO it's no better, just has a little bit of frosting he has applied to make you quiet down and accept...

accept less than you deserve.

It makes me sad for you.


ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
mezmer
Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

You're waiting for him to give a rat's ass and he doesn't. He won't either because he doesn't have to. You'll keep waiting. Right? He's fine with that.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

FightingBack - I really don't want to do a 180 if I understand it correctly. I don't want to distance myself in any way. I feel the connection we have now is so much better than during those dark years that I don't want to let go of it.

Not wanting to do the 180 is not the same as saying, we are doing so well in our marriage that I don't need the 180. I get it that you fear that putting the 180 will create distance but really, its about getting control of you and your destiny. you say that the connection you have is better than it was during the affair years but really be honest, is it as good as you want or deserve? Sometimes life is about making hard decisions. I may not want to go to the dentist and have him poke the damn needle and drill into my gums either but I will ultimately go because while that experience may not be fun, its better than suffering day in and day out with a abscess tooth. Sometimes courage is doing what needs to be done, not what we want to do.

FightingBack - I don't quite know what action to take.

Yes, you do. You know what to do. The advice has been given to you by your fellow BS's time after time. Put the 180 into action. You must be able to see that as long as you don't control the reins, the destination you arrive at is out of your control.Right now, your WS is controlling where your life is going and so far, the ride isn't a pretty one.

FightingBack - Well, we found some time alone and he talked - about anything other than my message.

And perhaps, in those words, you have dramatically illustrated his commitment to you and your marriage. Lots of words, little action.

FightingBack - I will not rug sweep. I have taken the only action I can. I don't want to tell him to leave. I don't want to move on without him. We are in this together, so what more can I do?

Gently said, you need to make a decision. and then follow through on it. Instead of thinking that you need to tell him to leave, rethink it as him not taking those steps to stay with you. Its not your fault and instead of you trying to fix the marriage, it should be him that takes the proactive steps. It would seem that as long as you will not make the hard choices, you will only move on if you rug sweep and bury the affair.

Your choice.

HUFI

Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.



Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

I have been getting the same advice since I joined SI. I understood it with my head, but not my heart.

I think I am beginning to really get it now.

Thank you.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
obliquestrat
Member
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

Lot of this hit home! Including the "flip a coin" trick in a reply, which I happened to have used yesterday over one of her career-related things before reading it :)


ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

FB-I hope I didn't miss it but has your WH been able to communicate why he hasn't been able to do the things you have asked for?

Whenever I have asked mine he has said he means to but he can't find the time, or he gets distracted, or he can't focus. If you saw my post about focus we found out last night that this is a really big obstacle for him to be able to do the things I feel are important to his healing and the healing of our M because when he does try, he gets so overwhelmed that his brain just shuts down.

Maybe if he can figure out why he is putting these things off (some of them are honestly SO simple!, changing the vmail??), maybe he can start to work on the smaller ones and make his way up to the big ones.

I'm really hoping that WH to seeing how happy it makes me to see him make progress will be a motivator for him to try other things.

edited for spelling

[This message edited by AML04 at 11:16 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 10