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Reconciliation
User Topic: Well...she called. Advice please.
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Today we were driving home from a funeral. It was actually a lovely service for a woman in her 90's. I did not know her but her four kids spoke great things of her and made me wish I did. I was there to support my H who did know her.

When my H's BB rings the caller is displayed. About a half hour from home it rings. The display reads, "Unknown Caller" and then the number. I recognized the first 3 digits.

He said, "oh, I recognize this num...ber..." and then his voice trailed off. He looked angry. I said, "Who is it?" Pretty sure of the answer. He said, "LA, that was the AP."

We drove a bit. I asked if there could be any work reason. No. I asked if this date meant anything. No. And neither does the 14th, he added.

There was no message.

The last time she pocket dialed was when I saw her for the first time at a three day conference back in Sept. She "accidentally" pocket-dialed him on her way out of town. I thought it was a farewell FU to us, frankly.

A day or two later he texted her and told her to remove his name from her phone. She said she already did and said she had "no intention of speaking with you."

A N/C note was never sent Dec. 2012. I did not know about NC letters back then. It should also be noted that after he told her via phone in Dec. and to her face at a Jan. 2013 conference that it was done, she contacted him 3 more times in the name of work.

Do we send a NC at this point?


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I would be inclined to say no. The verbal "take me out of your phone" should suffice.

It's time for him to block her number, so you don't have to get this kind of call.

Otherwise, I'm saying all crickets, all the time.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Would he be able to change his number? My fWH did on dDay and it has given us both peace of mind.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 485 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

He could whatthe.....goodness knows he gets plenty of weird area code phone calls at odd hours anyway.

Rebreather, he believed he already blocked the #. I know he deleted her from his contact list.

I guess in some ways I want there to be an official note. But I am on the fence.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I am with Rebreather on this one. She knows quite well that contact is not welcome. I would ignore, ignore, ignore ~ the best way to let her know that she is a nonentity in your life.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2094 | Registered: Nov 2011
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I would not respond, and do whatever can be done to block the number, though she could use other numbers.

I identify all the calls from people I know. Calls from others go to voice mail, I never pick them up.


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4090 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I'll be the voice that says I feel you should send a formal NC letter.

D-day for me was in March 2010. The affair ended in 2004. FWH had gotten a new cell phone and #. He told OW many times to not call. OW fished and stalked for 6 years. Then OW outed the affair to me. OW continued to fish. Finally, in February 2012 we sent a NC letter to OW. Almost 2 years after d-day.

We haven't heard from OW since, unless the hang up calls from blocked and private numbers are OW. I feel a certain kind of letter may do the trick for you, too. Here is the letter my FWH sent to the OW.

Ms. XXXXX XXXXX
I love my wife. Milkshake is the most amazing, wonderful, caring, loving and forgiving woman I know.

I have re-dedicated myself to Milkshake and our marriage. I am so grateful Milkshake is giving me the chance to prove to and show her how much I love her. I will be doing that until the day I die.

I am horrified, disgusted and ashamed by what I did. Even more so that I did it with you. I regret the day I met you and every minute I spent with you or even talked to you.

I hate you and will never fogive you for the part you played in causing my wife pain. She was innocent and didn't deserve the pain our selfish behaviour caused her.

Milkshake is my past, present and future. You are the past and simply irrelevant.

Do not contact Milkshake or me again in anyway shape or form. We have made a report to the police and our lawyer is prepared to take legal action if needed.

Again, I hate you and never want to see or hear from you again!

MisterSister

eta: We ignored OW for quite awhile. That doesn't work for all AP's.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 6:09 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9423 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

he believed he already blocked the #. I know he deleted her from his contact list

Most have to go to their carrier and request a specific number be blocked, and I have learned here that they have to be redone every few months.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

(((LA44 and Mr LA44)))

This is bordering on harrassment....believe me, I know. I had a very nice conversation with a sheriff when he called me to tell me that "AP can fuck your wife, but you can not fuck with him. You need to stop calling him or I will have to arrest you for harassment." He was a very nice sheriff....told me he knew how it felt. His wife fucked around on him and he D'ed her.

So that could be an option....to have the law call her.

But I like what Rebreather said....change his number.

I also like what RidingHealingRd said....she is an adult, she has been told once....hell, she knew what destructive choices she was doing while IN the affair itself.

I am sorry to read this......this is tough enough without this occurrence.

Hang tough.

Keep the faith!


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I am sorry to read this......this is tough enough without this occurrence.

Thanks guys and gals.

Thanks blake. My H said this to me tonight. He said, It's like we have a leak in our roof and we are going on our 6th day of rain.

I did not know that about the blocked number Rebreather. Will do!

Hang tough.

Tough as nails (been hammered a few times though.... and not in the fun way).

And I will keep the faith. I hope my Joel Osteen book speaks to me tonight!



Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

LA44

So sorry you have to deal with this. Did you check the phone records just to make sure about how often that number has popped up. It just seems so uncanny that it happened at that precise moment. I can block numbers via website. It only lasts for 3months or something. Then I have to go back and block it again.

This close to Valentine's Day, that is not a butt dial. That is her way of trying to elicit contact or at the very least stay on the radar. Making him be reminded that she still exists.

I say, change the number then keep an eye on the records to see if it pops up again. If it does, then you know that is too uncanny.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 923 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

(((oh LA!)))

I happen to be in a kick A** mood right now and it's pissing me off! You are doing great!!! It's a bump in the road, that's all, no matter what you do!

Love love Sister/Mister's letter, if you do send her one use that for a guide for sure!

Hang in there LA!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Thanks PJL, and thanks hopefulmother.

I definitely have my own choice words for her and since I majored in Communications I think I could really get the message across loud and clear!

Another time she called was last March Break - first day of the break in fact. Guess she start she would kick things off with a rousing start.

I say, change the number then keep an eye on the records to see if it pops up again.

So question....if you block a #, it would still come up in the records?

He said there has been absolutely zero contact since the last butt dial in Sept. And that is when he asked her to take his name off her phone as clearly it was on memory.



Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

SisterMilkshake-

That letter was the cat's pajamas. Just awesome.

Best parts:

I am horrified, disgusted and ashamed by what I did. Even more so that I did it with you. I regret the day I met you and every minute I spent with you or even talked to you.

I hate you and will never fogive you for the part you played in causing my wife pain. She was innocent and didn't deserve the pain our selfish behaviour caused her.

Milkshake is my past, present and future. You are the past and simply irrelevant.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1960 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
UKlady
Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

I think changing the phone number is the absolute best way to deal with this. I asked my WH to do this on D-Day and he did immediately. Yes it was a bit of a pain to inform other people but it was a clean break and gave me the peace of mind that OW couldn''t make contact in this way (I also secretly delighted in the fact she would continue sending messages to the old number and be receiving radio silence!).

Changing the number should give peace of mind.


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

I think I'd ignore it this time LA, because I think that is exactly what got to her last time - being ignored at the conference. She did not like that at all. I think that's why her face magically appeared in the background of your picture and why she so accidentally (not) butt dialed - you both - on your way home. That call was for you both then, and I think this is just as much for you both again this time. LA, she is a pissed little bunny boiler who didn't like getting dumped and most of all she didn't like being ignored. I think she just wants to make her presence felt again. I think she does know it's 'over' but is angry towards you both about it and just wants to twist the knife any way she can.

That's why I think she's called so near to Valentines Day - if she's not sharing a romantic Valentine with him this year, she's trying to make damn sure that neither of you get to share one either. She just wants to be on the radar again upsetting you both.

I think it's more to do with her anger than any real hope that your husband wants her back. Her motives could be: 1)It forces him to have to contact her back again. 2) He ignores her but has to tell you about it, thus spoiling any hope of a romantic Valentines for you both. 3) He hides the call from you but has to spend his Valentines day worried in case you find out about it or she contacts again. 4) She elicits another response from you both.

For that reason, I'd probably block her number and ignore her again. However, if she contacts any more after this..then I'd think about giving her a no contact letter - sent from a lawyer. I'd give her no more contact from either of you personally LA because that's what I think her goal is - not to be ignored.

ETA: I do just have to say though that I do also love SisterMilkshake's husband's no contact letter, and it seems that it was the perfect response to that particular OW - because so far it's worked, when nothing else did - for six long years. So although I do generally think ignoring them is best, there are always exceptions to the rule and everyone has to do what they think is best for their own personal situation.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 5:34 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1841 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

I would ignore her.

Sending anything now just screams "we got your call and it bothered us"

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

Block her number and carry on....


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

sorry to t/j but SISTERMILKSHAKE:
That was a fantastic NC letter to send.

Succinct, to the point, no apologies and no sentences that could be misconstrued.

I LOVE it. You should get this put into the Healing Library as a template for all BS to send as a NC letter.

Awesome

end of t/j - sorry


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
SusanR
Member
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

(((LA)))

Sometimes, when I am feeling weak, I think about contacting OW or just messing with her in some way. MyWH told me she fears my retaliation.

I have managed NC and that often gives me great pleasure. I have taken the high ground. She can wallow in her pitiful cheater world!

[This message edited by SusanR at 5:54 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1930 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
Gipper
Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

I agree with the others. Just try to ignore. You can't engage and mess with her......but you can send me her number.
No, wait. Abort! Abort! Don't send me the number. I really should wake up good before posting!

Seriously, I am sorry that you are having to even think about this. Hugs to you.


Posts: 717 | Registered: May 2011
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

To answer your question, if you block a number it does not show up if they try calling. In our case, it prompted the MOW to get another cell phone to text from. That's when we went to an attorney and had a letter prepared warning her that the next contact will make her subject to arrest. That finally did the trick.

It stinks when they're so persistent. Since this is the Reconciliation forum, I'll refrain from what I'd like to say about these kind of AP's.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1004 | Registered: Mar 2012
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

Just change his number. Blocking her just means she can't call from ONE number.

My husband changed his number the very next day after Dday1.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

I agree with other posters who think the best way to handle this is to ignore her.

It is certainly NOT a coincidence that Vday is on Friday. OW in our case usually contacts at the time of year the affair happened, Valentine's Day, or Christmas/New Years. I expect the contact and as upsetting as it is, I just keep on ignoring.

The last time she contacted your WH she got a response and she's looking for that again. Whatever form that contact takes will feed her ego.

I find it really hard sometimes that I've never said a word to the OW, told her off or what I think. I am a writer by profession, and I know that I could put forward my thoughts and feelings with precision. However, I know that in this case the OW is not remorseful at all and believes that I have manipulated my WS into staying with me. I know whatever I write to her will be twisted around to strengthen her resolve and belief in their love. So....NC.

For many of us here, BS and remorseful WS, NC is a healthy way of turning away from the past and towards a healthier future. I think for some OW and OM, who are not remorseful and are not trying to break the cycle of the A, that NC drives them nuts and is more powerful than any words can be.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

LOL, thanks Gipper for the offer. Man would I love to hear that call!

Sister, there are a few people who would pay for your letter - better stamp it as a Milkshake Original!

For Sins....

I think it's more to do with her anger than any real hope that your husband wants her back. Her motives could be: 1)It forces him to have to contact her back again. 2) He ignores her but has to tell you about it, thus spoiling any hope of a romantic Valentines for you both. 3) He hides the call from you but has to spend his Valentines day worried in case you find out about it or she contacts again. 4) She elicits another response from you both.

And although they never spent the 14th together nor did he get her cards/gifts, I too believe the timing is not an accident. It is most definitely #2 on your list. He told her face-to-face last Jan., that he will be telling me about any contact - work/personal/anything. The timing of her call at the conference was to F-up our last day together. It didn't work! And many things she wrote to him work-related had a personal touch - knowing I would read that.

For lost_in_toronto....

I find it really hard sometimes that I've never said a word to the OW, told her off or what I think. I am a writer by profession, and I know that I could put forward my thoughts and feelings with precision. However, I know that in this case the OW is not remorseful at all and believes that I have manipulated my WS into staying with me

Thank you so much for this. I find it very difficult that I am the one who is always reaching deep for my inner strength. That she can't find decency at this point. Clearly not a lot of introspection done.

I too am a writer - no longer by profession - but hey...a writer,writes! The best story I can give you is that I submitted my D-Day story to a national mom's web site. I signed my real name to it. The site was supposed to get in touch with me if they posted it. They didn't but the story was there! She googled me after the face-to-face with my H (I guess I became "real" at this point to her) and found the story and sent it to my H. Ha! She read my painful words and probably a few times. She got there all on her own. I didn't have to lift a finger.

Thank you all very much for your comforting words, suggestions, clarifications and (( ))'s.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

While I am a big believer in telling off the AP, once, I see this as a different sitch. The best information on NC comes from Gavin deBecker's "The Gift of Fear." I encourage everyone, especially women, to read it.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

Ok, I will take a look Rebreather. This is why I am confused. Some couples are encouraged to write the letter that was never written. Others are told to ignore the AP. How do I know how my H delivered that phone call? The MC accused him of being "vague".

I am well past the fed up mark for this sitch and feel I have handled myself with dignity - always trying to focus on the big pic. Like you said to me once, "sometimes strong people take on a lot more and more is expected from them" (or something like that). But how much more do I have in me?

For now, I will sit tight, read what you suggest and talk to my H.

[This message edited by LA44 at 10:41 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
lost_in_toronto
Member
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

The last contact we had was the OW sending me a friend request on FB. Yes, me. The mind boggles.

I ignored, but decided if she beaks NC again all bets were off. I haven't had to worry since we haven't heard from her. I don't know what I will do the next time, if I will keep NC or not.

I understand everything you are saying, LA. It is tough. But you know, I have never regretted NC, and I know if I do write her I could regret it. The words, once sent, become hers. She can use them how she wants. So...that's what helps me maintain NC.

I love that she read your story online. At least you've got that!

And FWIW, I think sending a NC letter would be more important if you weren't solidly in R with a remorseful spouse. At this point, the focus should be on you and your relationship and breaking NC from your side obscures that focus. JMO.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1652 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

And FWIW, I think sending a NC letter would be more important if you weren't solidly in R with a remorseful spouse. At this point, the focus should be on you and your relationship and breaking NC from your side obscures that focus. JMO.

Ok, gotcha lostinTO. Thanks again.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2122 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

If you do decide to send a letter. Do it a few weeks after Valentine's day. This way, she will not associate her call with it.

Just state that it is advised by your marriage counselor, since you want to be a bunny boiler. lol

no really...might want to leave bunny boiler out.

Change his number and block her number from the new number.

In addition if you have FB...you should take a photo of the two of you together for Valentine's Day. Maybe kissing? and use it as a profile pic for both of you. She probably stalks you. That should get her goat.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 923 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 29