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Just Found Out
User Topic: At end of my rope-need decision
huskers
Member
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

Only in a month. Kicked him out. Seemed like we were making headway on R. I found phone bill showing she's still in pic. She has sent me threatening texts, etc. Look at my old posts lol. I am the bad guy in this for the way I reacted. Changed locks, moved money, told his mom. Anger, hostility, mind games on me from him. I am not the bad guy. I have made mistakes, but I do not need to endure this drama every single day.
He wanted key to house last night. I said no. I said our kids and I need to feel safe and secure. I don't know if you would give the key to your whore or not. Of course he says he wouldn't. No way was I giving him that key. He said he would call a locksmith. I said if he calls a locksmith the only way I can protect myself is by filing for divorce. He said fine, he can tell my kids that I made that decision. Jeeze. So he comes back from having dinner with my son and wants the key. No was my answer. He argued and argued. My son was standing there. I prob did the wrong thing. I asked him if he felt safe with other people having the key. He said no. Later I got a text from husband saying he wouldn't pursue it but would get lots of things out of the house.
I thought I had a glimmer of hope in this relationship. Seems like the other woman is calling all the shots. How is this my life?

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

I'm sorry huskers. Sounds like he is setting himself up to be your enemy.

But you are strong. Stand firm. That glimmer of hope may be gone BUT it opens up a whole new world of possibilities for you once you can close this chapter.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

(((huskers)))


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 554 | Registered: Jan 2014
huskers
Member
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

You have all explained this to me before. I just don't know why I am bearing the brunt of the anger when he is the one having the affair.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

........because he is fucked-up in the head.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8087 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
victory
Member
Member # 31088
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

Hugs Husker...

He's that way because he still doesn't own up to the fact that he really did something wrong and has no remorse for it.

For him, it's still all about him and not about the marriage or your family.

File for divorce. You can always drop it later, but it'll let him know you are serious and may be enough to shake him out of his fog. I hope that you've already spoken to a lawyer about your legal options/rights. If not, do so now.

Just know that it'll all get better with time. Lots of us (me included) do things in the course of separating/divorce that we regret. Just don't beat yourself up over it. Learn and be better next time.

Be strong.


Dday- 1-26-11 (7 month PA)
BH (me)-41
WW- 37
3 little kids (6-8-10)
married 11 yrs, together 17
Divorced summer 2012 (I think)
I HAVE CUSTODY OF MY GIRLS!!!

Posts: 204 | Registered: Feb 2011
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

He is angry because he knows he is behaving badly and can't face it, so YOU need to become the bad guy. JMO. He is angry because he is broken and doesn't know how to fix it except through unhealthy behavior is a bigger umbrella to understand it.

But we can never fully wrap our heads around the behavior. Why? Because it's illogical and crazy-making.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
marionwendy
Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

FILE AND HAVE HIM SERVED.


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

You are getting the brunt of his anger because he is an immature, selfish douche and he isn't getting his way.

Imagine him as a four year old child. You told this child you aren't buying him candy at the store. He has a tantrum. "I want candy! I want candy! I wwwwaaaannnnnntttttttt caannnnnnndddyyyy nnnnooowwwwww!" Jumping up and down, yelling, being mean. Maybe you give in to the child so he calms down and stops making a scene. Maybe you stand firm. If you stand firm, the child most likely won't try that the next time you go to the store. If you give in, the child will do it again and again.

Every time your WH starts acting this way imagine him with a diaper on and a binky in his mouth.

eta: I agree you need to go see a lawyer at the very least. I would advise to file, too. As victory posted, you can stop the divorce if your WH takes his diaper off and pulls his head out of his ass.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:10 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
huskers
Member
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

I'm a paralegal, which is a double edged sword in this. Its paralyzing for me to come to work and all I do is work on divorces. Never in a million years did I think I would be doing my own. I put together a legal separation to be served on him. But I have not filed yet. Every day is a rollercoaster and I will have to decide at what point to get off. Do I meet with him one last time and ask what his goal is in this whole thing?

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

No, you don't meet with him and ask him what his goal is. Why are you letting him make decisions for your life? You can see he isn't very good at making wise decisions.

No, you file, you get him served, and then you will see what his goal is. If he wants you back, if he doesn't want a divorce, he will let you know. Not just with his words, but with his actions.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

Why? What more do you need to know right now? His behavior is telling you exactly what his goal is. Believe him! Getting those papers will be a hammer to the side of the head. Maybe just the jolt he needs to return to his sanity. When he does, that's the perfect opportunity to discuss YOUR goals.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
victory
Member
Member # 31088
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

Huskers, I am a lawyer and did family law for 8+ years. I filed my own divorce 3 days post discovery. I lasted about 4 months representing myself before I couldn't take it anymore and eventually got a friend of mine to represent me. It's very different being on the client side of things for sure.

As you know, since you're in the field, filing is only a start and can be stopped anytime before a judge declares you divorced. It'll cost you a few hundred bucks to do it, but file your separation papers and let him know that you are strong and not afraid of life without his sorry ass.

If you really want him back, nothing attracts the opposite sex more than confidence. Well, almost nothing.


Dday- 1-26-11 (7 month PA)
BH (me)-41
WW- 37
3 little kids (6-8-10)
married 11 yrs, together 17
Divorced summer 2012 (I think)
I HAVE CUSTODY OF MY GIRLS!!!

Posts: 204 | Registered: Feb 2011
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

Sorry you are going through this. Go ahead and file and then the OW won't be calling the shots anymore. YOU WILL!! Hugs


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 345 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

It is so hard to pull the trigger even when you know that you must..
Envelope yourself in the loving support of friends and family..You will know when you are ready ..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Nov 2011
huskers
Member
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, February 14th (Friday)

I told him yesterday either cut the woman loose or I am filing. I have heard nothing back from him. He says he's tried in our marriage for a long time. I said no you did not try. You never informed me of anything going on or anything we could change. You didn't seek marriage counseling. Your "trying" in the marriage was having affairs and making yourself feel better.
I have the Complaint for Legal Separation in my hand and can file it at any time. I'm so sad.

[This message edited by huskers at 8:35 AM, February 14th (Friday)]


Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, February 14th (Friday)

Once again, actions speak louder than words. He has shown you his real self over and over. File the papers. He will either wake up or he won't. Either way, the ball is in your court. It is up to YOU to protect yourself and your children. He has shown he isn't going to do it so you must. It stinks, it's not what you had envisioned your life and M to be but there's not much you can do (you can't change his mind by putting up with his crap, that only fuels his fire) except protect YOU and your children. He IS like a toddler right now - he was having fun and you spoiled his game. He has his AP to fluff his feathers each time you do something 'mean' to him; she stokes the fire and you try to put it out. Only he can put it out right now and he's not going to do it until / if and when / reality hits him between the eyes and he wakes up.

I feel badly this is happening to you - that it has happened to any of us.


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, February 14th (Friday)

You have all explained this to me before. I just don't know why I am bearing the brunt of the anger when he is the one having the affair.

My WW acted exactly as you described.

Your WH can't be nice to you and admit what he did and still live with his conscience. For him to live with himself, he has to paint you as the bad guy. It takes a MAN to admit when he's wrong and deal with the consequences, and you're not married to one.

Truthfully, I would respect my WW more than ever if she fessed up to what she's done (taking her back is another story at this point). It would take one heck of a backbone, but I don't think she's got it.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, February 14th (Friday)

I have the Complaint for Legal Separation in my hand and can file it at any time.

Time to get it out of your hands and into the system. Like others have said, you don't have to follow through with it. If his ACTIONS prove that he wants to save the M and becomes remorseful.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 415 | Registered: Dec 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, February 14th (Friday)

Marriage dead and gone, WH un remorseful..

Filing (and following thru) will give you an opportunity to grieve and heal, the marriage will have a proper burial...In other words you will have some closure..

Someday your WH may wake up or he won't..It will be up to you to decide to reconnect with him based on his remorse if you are still available..

Staying separated and divorced will lessen the likelihood of your WH being able to drag you down/ turn your life upside down...again..

Staying connected with him at THIS point in time is a sure way to kill your soul..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:46 AM, February 14th (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Nov 2011
huskers
Member
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, February 14th (Friday)

I know all of this. But my heart hurts so bad today. How could he do this to our family, our children? The emotional part is bad enough, but we will probably have to file bankruptcy, which will also affect the kids.

It's like I'm frozen and can't make any decisions. Although my mind is telling me the decision has already been made for me.


Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, February 14th (Friday)

Your fear of the unknown is what is stopping you. Think of the worst possible scenario. Now think of what your present scenario is. Is it really better than what you have thought of?

I doubt it.

He is a selfish ass that has been able to manipulate and blame you, and now you are just starting to see it. Yes it hurts, hurts like hell, but once you decide, you will no longer allow him to cause you new pain, that's when you start to heal, and start to get stronger, and feel better.

You deserve much much more.
(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
huskers
Member
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, February 14th (Friday)

I have heard nothing from him all day. I guess he made his choice. So did I. I just filed.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, February 14th (Friday)

You did what you had to do huskers. (((hugs)))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1883 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, February 14th (Friday)

(((((hugs & strength)))))

Yes, even when deciding what is best for you and knowing intellectually that it is right, it still hurts a damn lot. There is no good reason for what he has done. Only brokenness. I'm sorry you and your kids have to suffer from it. But, you will be okay. You have each other and you will rebuild a new, healthier life.

I hope you feel some peace and satisfaction in your decision even through the pain. Be proud of yourself.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, February 14th (Friday)

Hey Huskers,

I am so sorry that you are bearing the brunt of your WH anger. And that he had the nerve to ask for the key in front of your son. He is a douche'!

And now you have pulled the trigger...so sorry.

I know that you are sad. Now is the time to grieve the relationship. This will help you get to indifference. But you must go through the grief to get to the other side of calm. Sucks.

The changes that will come may seem daunting but you are young and smart. Your children will thank you later for being the strong parent. Also for being the one who did not abandon their family for some gutter love.

God Bless you and your family Huskers. Hold your babies close tonight, kiss their sweet brows and know that in the end, you all will be alright. You got this babe!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, February 14th (Friday)

Him not contacting you with a decision WAS a decision. As you said, he made it. Please try to take the weekend to rest, enjoy your children, and spoil all of yourselves a bit. Monday will come soon enough. Breathe and be this weekend. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
huskers
Member
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, February 14th (Friday)

Thank you for your helpful words. I'm paralegal so filed it myself . Will let guys I work for do everything else but I really wanted to do it myself. Kind of an I'm in control thing. He won't get served until next week cuz of weekend and Presidents' Day. Who knows...he could have beat me to it and filed before me.
What I do know is that I was sad when I filed.... But ok tonight. Actually relieved. Shit will hit the fan when he gets served regarding money and kids, but he will never ever ever control my emotions again. He and his whore are losers. I'm the winner.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
Aceofbase
Member
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, February 14th (Friday)

be strong!


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, February 15th (Saturday)

He and his whore are losers. I'm the winner.
Repeat that until it sticks huskers. Hard as it was you are now putting you and your kids first and though it won't seem like it at first, things will eventually get better for you. You are the one in charge of your own destiny now. Those other two will be getting a dose of that reality next week - they don't get to decide what happens with your life anymore. You are the one in charge. Stay strong, and try to enjoy your kids this weekend. ((hugs))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1883 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, February 15th (Saturday)


So sorry that your here.. I agree with the other posters, that this
I have heard nothing from him all day. I guess he made his choice. So did I. I just filed.
is the right move

Later I got a text from husband saying he wouldn't pursue it but would get lots of things out of the house.

Actually NO, you have the key. Pack whats his and leave it in the garage for him to collect!!! You can call the shots on that one!

[This message edited by Sadmumma at 8:15 AM, February 15th (Saturday)]


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, February 21st (Friday)

you did the right thing---you are smart,young,independent,strong---you cannot let this selfish person control you----he made his choice----he is not the man you married---please remember this is a man you do not know--the other one you married is dead----he wants out---please have no contact with him---and do not force your so to communicate with him,your son is also suffering,he is dealing with the fact that his father abandoned him and he is in pain---he feels his father does not care about him or love him ,if he did how could he walk away from his family---give him space and time to heal---you cannot have any contact with your h ,how did the ow get your number----can you change it---don't even give it to h----have him contact lawyers----you will be ok once you get rid of this garbage----do not even consider R ,that was just a smoke screen between ow and h------you will survive----remember if you do not like where you are now ,change places......you are not a tree

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
Topic Posts: 32