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Reconciliation
User Topic: Thinking of the AP
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

I am wondering how often BSes think of the AP after dday, and when that starts to get better. I also wonder if it is worse in the case of a double betrayal. (i.e. the AP was a friend.)

I hate to admit it, but at almost 9-months out, I think about the AP all the time. I think about whether I'll run into her at the grocery store, I think about whether she is working or not, I think about whether she is thinking about my H, or what she thinks about the whole situation now. I hold imaginary conversations in my head, where I tell her the "truth" of what happened (I do that a lot - especially when I am driving.) When I am in the kitchen, I think about what a better cook I am than her (ha), and I even think about her in the shower, because she was known for taking long showers.

Sigh.

So, this isn't about her, really. She is a symbol for the hurt I feel, as one of the people who hurt me. I don't miss her - not in the least, and I don't really fear her intrusion into my life again -- not rationally. (Perhaps my heart is another matter.)

So, how do I deal with this? Should I challenge myself when I catch myself thinking about her, to allow that thought to pass without focusing on it? I'd seriously like to go a whole day without thinking about her/the affair. It is such a huge waste of time. I'd really like to release part of it -- it is probably too early to be healed from it, but any ideas over what I can do to move her out. of. my. mind?

Thanks.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:19 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1949 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

4.5 years. Double betrayal. I do still think of her. Not everyday.

She is a cautionary tale. A tale of ego vs. self worth. I am not at full forgiveness, though there are days where I forgive her and days where I hate her. It's probably based on how well I slept the night before and maybe the way my hair is cooperating...who knows. I just know that she hurt me, that I can choose to learn from it with each new day, or I can bury it, or I can carry it. Like all things in life, I have to make the choice as it presents itself.

I do know that early on, my attempts to resist my feelings were a colossal waste of energy. I no longer compare myself to her, I look for the signals I must have sent, that allowed her to believe she could betray me with ease. i look to see where I failed to see the ultimate solution to the equation of our so-called friendship.

Looking back, I see that I never liked or respected her in the first place. Because the first opportunity I had to take her down, I took. I think it may have been the same for her.

while I should probably clarify what I mean by that, I think I'll leave it open ended. I didn't like the things she stood for, and as soon as she provided me with the opportunity to expose her, I took it without hesitation. That is something I can not deny.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 4:31 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Neverwudaguessed
Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

UGH! so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. Unfortunately I am not going to be able to be of any help because I am EXACTLY the same way, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
I do believe that our thoughts (are you sure you are not in my hear? These are exactly the same as the one I am preoccupied with throughout the day) about the AP are related to the fact that they were once our "friend." Regarding the blocking on FB (from earlier post), I have been working in IC on why I continue to check even though, like you, I do trust that my husband is completely and totally through with her. We are looking at the betrayal aspect of it. Anyway, I do hope that we are able to move past this soon so that we truly do have them out of our lives!!


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 561 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
roses303
Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

Double betrayal here to. It is only 7 months for me and I think about her everyday. I truly thought she was my oldest closest friend, the one who you could call up after years apart and start right where you left off. But for 8 years she had not felt that way about me. She wanted my husband, and not my friendship. So my thought of her are as much, if not more, about the betrayal of the friendship than of the affair.

So much of our history is aligned, college, and marriage and babies, that I don't think she will ever be gone from my thoughts. I need her gone but I'm hoping someday to push her into some corner of my consciousness so that she no longer causes pain.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Neverwudaguessed
Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

So devastating Roses303; It just makes you wonder if she is actually human!


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 561 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

We're just a few days shy of 19 months out. OW2 was my friend (since 5th grade) and OW1 had been an acquaintance since jr high. I think of them sometimes, but not everyday anymore. At 9 months, I was much the same as you. I'm a focus on the positive kind of person. I finally got to a place where I told myself that it was irrational to fret about them and actually hurting me more. I was tired of letting them hurt and control me in any way. So, I made myself stop. I got up, went where I wanted, did what I wanted and any time thoughts of them tried to creep up on me, I basically gave them the mental version of F You and went on about my business. I had to accept that I'm likely to run into them somewhere, sometime and stop fretting about the inevitable. I had to really realize that saying ANYTHING to either of them would not suddenly make them understand their wrongs and force them into being better humans. I literally transferred them to a different memory category. Instead of thinking of them as a friend who had hurt me, I had to transition them to the 'somebody I used to know' category - which happens to be full of hundreds of people who I've had contact with in my life but are no longer significant (and sometimes never were). Idk if any of that is helpful for you, but I can tell you that I have found great relief in getting to this point.

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Jan 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

every day. And I had never met these women. But its less and less.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4916 | Registered: Dec 2010
roses303
Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

Musiclovingmom, that is really good to hear . I hope I can get to that place some day.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

I don't think about EAP that much, and i hadn't been thinking about the hooker for a few days... Then... Today, i started having mind movies again... I hadn't for almost a month... Maybe because I actually met her two weeks ago.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

Wish I could forget her. I just saw the OW on national TV this past Sunday night. She really does pop up everywhere. I watched it with my H who was disgusted with it. Watching it together was progress. A year ago we would have turned it off and both of us would have silently brooded over it. Now, we watched, discussed it civilly, had a laugh or two at her, and let it go.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1469 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

MLM-
That is awesome to hear. I am realizing that I feel that way about 20% of the time now. . . but then I find myself having the urge to drive by her house, etc. I did block her on FB, and that feels good.

It is weird - it has nothing to do with her per se, it is what she represents. (Fear of losing my family/husband, of being betrayed, and of being in the dark.)


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1949 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

You and I have similar DDays and a similar backstory, including the double betrayal.

Unfortunately, I still think about the OW every day as well. I never got any closure with her, so it's actually more problematic for me now than is stuff with my husband.

I have moved past anger and am now in depression. Every day I try to figure out why a "friend" would have done such a thing to me. I feel pretty shitty about it on a regular basis. It's also scaring me off trying to make any friends in my new city. I mean, I literally feel sick to my stomach when I think about trying to be friends with another woman again. I have some pretty terrible PTSD about the OW, almost more than about what my husband did. She blindsided me too, lied and kept secrets and manipulated me while pretending to care for me for years, and it really injured me emotionally. I have nightmares about her on a weekly basis.

Also, she and her husband were integral parts of our life for five years. 3/4 of the activities and cultural stuff that was part of my identity is now all associated with them. Literally everything I used to love makes me trigger, including music, movies, activities, etc, because it ALL reminds me of them and all our shared memories. It's absolutely sickening. I feel like I not only lost my marriage and my friendships, but most of my identity as a person and half a decade of my life.

I guess eventually it all will fade with time, but because of the fact that there was no explanation, apology, or interest in my welfare after DDay it's a lot more difficult for me to work through than are issues in my marriage.

The old adage, "don't let the AP take up head space" is just not reasonable when you're talking about a double betrayal. You not only have to deal with your spouse's infidelity, but also the infidelity of the person who should have been your strongest support during a crisis.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 6:39 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 60 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, February 13th (Thursday)


it has nothing to do with her per se, it is what she represents. (Fear of losing my family/husband, of being betrayed, and of being in the dark.)

Bionicgal- you just put into words what I think when I see either OW... Fear of all this but what to do about it....
Thank you!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4916 | Registered: Dec 2010
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, February 13th (Thursday)


..nearly 5 years out from D-Day #2 (April2009) and 27 years out from D-Day #1 (May1987)

..pretty much blocked bfOM from my mind from '87 until '09.. when I got the whole horrible truth.

..since '09, he's been in my thoughts every single day.. without exception.. even though I found out he died in '06 (brain tumour at 57 y.o.)

..I even take time to visit his grave when I'm in Toronto.. for some strange co-incidence I always have to take a piss when I arrive.. must have a bladder problem eh??

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4123 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
IsthereEVERanend
Member
Member # 42216
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

23 years out and I still think of the bum. Then, I walk past him in various stores around town every so often. He avoids me or won't make eye contact. I do.
I also wonder if my fww ever thinks about him too. I'm sure they have crossed paths because of the small town we live in.

[This message edited by IsthereEVERanend at 7:38 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]


Me: Older than dirt
FWW 63
DD 8/1990 She confessed to a 2 month ea/pa
Asked forgiveness but volunteered to leave. No way was I going to give her the boot

The eight most feared words used together in the English language: We need to talk. Th


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Utah
Lethealbegin
Member
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, February 13th (Thursday)

Hi! Double beytral also. I am almost three years out. I have recently been having a lot of triggers about her. So she is at the top of my mind which I hate!!! Now I properly think of her daily although since the triggers have been coming lately I think about her most of the day on and off. I was better before the triggers. I am sure once the triggers stop I will get better. But I wanted to let you know that it does get better. They will always be with us because of what they have done personally to us. I still to this day wonder why a friend would do this to me. But then again I have to remember that my xfriend is really mentally ill. The things she did before the A and during the A and after only shows me that! You can not wrap your head around crazy. Remember YOU can go any where in your town and hold your head up high. If you run into her I am sure you will make it through it with your self respect in hand! I dream about seeing her in a store where a lot of people are and yell lock up your husband the Town whore slut cum dumpster is here!! And point her out. Before she runs out of the store!!! But I have a lot of Integrity for myself. I would not take that away from myself for such a LOW LIFE! Now I would properly try to approach her and say I hope you are getting the help you need if not for you for your poor children!!!

Remember you are good!!! You are caring and etc... She will NEVER be ANY of THAT!! That is something to be proud of!!

((((Hugs))))


BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 147 | Registered: Jul 2011
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, February 14th (Friday)

It took me a long time to find SI (almost 5 years)

When I did find it the one thing that hung over my head was the OW. She was my "friend" too. She was the one piece of the A I couldn't reconcile. I thought of her daily.

I wondered how she could do what she did. I picked her apart. I waited for Karma. My feelings ran from grief to sadness to anger and even hate. With every feeling that ran through my mind there was always the little whisper of why...I could never shake it.

I struggled so much with her and the whys and hows for so long. I couldn't let it or her go. Maybe it was that I wouldn't let her go.

I spent so much time waiting. Waiting for a phone call, a letter, an apology. Something that would let me know she cared about what she had done to me. That it hurt her to wake up and see she was along for the ride that stopped my life in it's tracks.

That day never came.

I was able to talk about her on SI and ask about why I couldn't forgive her. Why the pain seemed so much worse than what my husband had done to me.

I got the best advice of course. Let her go, retrain your mind to not think about her, she means nothing. Slowly it started to happen. I quietly moved from constant pain and thinking about her to less and less time. I don't know how much longer it was but I finally got to a point where she didn't hurt me. Thoughts of her no longer mattered, what she was doing, who she was with, her kids, ex-husband. I let them go.

It was one of the best times I have had through R, finally realizing I didn't have to be strangled by those feelings any longer.

I continued with IC focusing on my childhood and the traumas I had that I carried into my adult life. I was pretty broken. Lots of FOO crap. I started seeing a correlation between my pain and what she also went through as a child. I knew we carried much of the same baggage. I recognized the ways I hurt myself through the years, the hurt and pain I allowed myself to carry through were all pieces of the damage I carried as a child. And she carried it too. I began to see her differently and slowly came to understand that she is just a broken woman. I pity her, feel bad for her pain and hope she finds her way one day. Forgiveness came quietly through a back door and I am good with that. It softened my heart, allowed me to cry over her, for her and for what I thought we used to have.

I no longer have her pain holding me hostage and finding the way out of that was enormous for me. I never expected to forgive. It happened slowly over time, with my own healing.

It may have taken forever but perhaps I needed to come to forgiveness because I had to understand the broken pieces that live in us all, including me.

I apologize for the length....

[This message edited by karmahappens at 5:28 AM, February 14th (Friday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, February 14th (Friday)

You know a few months ago I decided I needed to find a way to release myself of those thoughts altogether. So I needed something to tell myself, a redirect, when I they pop into my brain because you know...you can't control you thoughts...

I have given myself the freedom to beat the OM down if I see him. If I don't see him, I wish him well. If I do, I will just beat him down until someone stops me. It has worked for me.

I really neither hope I see him or I don't, but the fact that I am comfortable with my plan gives me comfort.

Make a plan you are comfortable with and the let it go knowing you have already thought it through when the thoughts come.

Right after d-day I don't think it is really possible to stop the thoughts and redirect, but at some point down the road, I think it unhealthy to continue to think about them. I think a way to redirect you thoughts, telling yourself you have already played those greatest hits to many times and given that person anymore of your time and/or energy is hurting you, not them.

I'd seriously like to go a whole day without thinking about her/the affair. It is such a huge waste of time.

I think we all would. I'm not sure it works like that. IMO you, for yourself need to figure out what label and box you put her in. What is the story of the two of you? Write that story once and for all and move on. We all will have our own versions and they should be consistent with our values. I'm good with mine.

but any ideas over what I can do to move her out. of. my. mind?

I am not sure we always choose what's in our minds and what thoughts pop up. It's how we handle those that matter.


take care...



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 9:17 AM, February 14th (Friday)

Lethealbegin...

Please leave the name-calling out of the Recon forum, this forum is not for OP venting.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197742 | Registered: May 2002
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, February 14th (Friday)

Just wanted you to know that I'm in the same boat and I really appreciate you posting and everyone responding to this. It's a day to day, heck sometimes minute to minute, struggle to keep AP out. Double betrayal is exquisitely painful and it's so hard not to keep going over the hows and whys.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 494 | Registered: Jan 2014
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, February 14th (Friday)

I think we all would. I'm not sure it works like that. IMO you, for yourself need to figure out what label and box you put her in. What is the story of the two of you? Write that story once and for all and move on. We all will have our own versions and they should be consistent with our values. I'm good with mine.
I think what wert is saying here is not to be underestimated in it's importance. Part of the mind-fuckery of an affair is that it throws our life story narrative for a loop...and we as people do not like that.

We like to be able to say to ourselves, "This is the story of my life", and be reasonably confident that it's the truth (or at least our truth). I think at some point the AP just needs to be another character that has passed in and out of your life and affected it, with the same importance as the other people that have done that.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 14th (Friday)

I am a long way down the road from Dday.

I used to thing about OM all the time. I was always looking for him in the crowd. I was always on edge just waiting for him to show up. I would think about what I would do if he did.

But my WW never talked much about details no matter how much I asked. Hers was a LTA. She would conveniently forget. And would say how could she remember all the places her and OM went over the many years there were together? So everywhere we went I wondered if she had been there with OM. I has so much uncertainty and I questioned everything. It was on my mind ALL the time.

Then we moved.

We are in a completely different city. 2000 miles from where the LTA happened. OM is 2000 miles away.

Now I dont think about places we go together because I know they never went there. I feel more comfortable now. The only time I really strongly trigger now is when she travels out there by herself to visit our grand kids.

I still think about her LTA. I think about it every day. Many times a day. Its there always spinning away in the back of my mind. Its easier to let go of though.

I know its not possible for everyone to move to a new city. But doing that really helped me.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, February 14th (Friday)

I hear you bionic. I feel for you that she was your "friend". Unlike you, this was not my friend. AndbBecause she called two days ago (and look at the timing), she was running through my brain NON.STOP. last night. I have the flu too so been spending a lot of time laying around in bed.

I pulled the covers back this morning and said, "enough of this shit!"

I was doing so well....but the call threw me and you cannot imagine how ticked I am with myself for letting thoughts take over.

But I think we get to a point of exhausting ourselves. We know we can do better then think about this person. Today I will just tell myself, "Do better. Do better. Do better." as I am coughing up a lung and blowing my nose!

Hugs to you.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, February 14th (Friday)

Today I feel a bit of a sting because it's V day and he's in their town working and I'm in our town working... ugh.

Sure, we have a nice evening planned. But still...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4916 | Registered: Dec 2010
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 14th (Friday)

One thing I learned is that it wasnt the physical part that he was attracted to. It was her mental state. Emotionally healthy people dont do what the APs and WS have done. Give me that over looks, money, or anything else.

I work in behavioral health. I see people who actually REALLY ARE MENTALLY unstable. I mean really. The worst of the worst. So its really sad for those who have a more self control in the matter and choose not to use it.

I take care in knowing that I know better and thus do better and that will ALWAYS BE BETTER.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, February 14th (Friday)

Did not have a double betrayal-----OW & I have never officially met (altho she has met our daughter), altho I have seen her from a distance while spying.

I too struggle with how much mental space OW takes up------we are 2 3/4 years out & I still think of her every day with hatred.

I know that one reason I have not been able to move on quicker is because she still works in the same building with WH. Every morning when he leaves for work I wonder if he will run into her today. I want to trust him, but if I don't know what he is doing during his lunch hour, or if he is a little late coming home, I get suspicious.

I have often thought how much different it would be if she was far away, out of our daily lives.

The only idea that seems to help a little is :

"NC means NC, by both WS and BS. " Thinking about her is, in a way, a sort of contact.

I do have to admit, tho, that she has become less & less important.
I felt tremendous pressure to take WH back to keep the family together for the kids, & so I am sure I transferred some of my anger from him to her, since I was trying to R with him.
More and more, as time passes, I see that she is not important. What is important is what is going on/has gone on between WH & I.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1390 | Registered: Dec 2012
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, February 14th (Friday)

I'm over thinking about her. I don't want to think about her. I mean, I know nobody wants to think about that crap. But I really just have no desire to go there. She's useless in my world.

But, she creeps in on occasion. Yesterday being one because it was her bday. I stalked her for about 4 seconds before I was like, "wtf? she is so irrelevant to me now." If I am going to dick off at work, I'd rather shop for shoes or pin ideas for my fantasy cabin.

Bionic, I have no doubt you will get there. But in all things recovery, you have to....drumroll....give yourself some slack and some time. I think there is a reason to think about her and watch for her now. Your wounds are still fresh. I have no doubt though that it will continue to lessen and in a year or so you will become invisible to you.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 27