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Just Found Out
User Topic: I never in a million years thought this would happen..omg
cryinginside
Member
Member # 18540
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, February 14th (Friday)

I haven't posted here in a long time. This site has helped me so much over the years. I don't even know what to feel right now. This is terrible.

My oldest sister passed away on October 8th 2013. It was very sudden and unexpected. My whole family is changed. I have never experienced pain like I have since she died. She had started using herion for a period of 7 months. She finally opened her eyes and saw she had a problem and decided to change her life. She found God again and started going to a methadoneclinic to get clean. The methadone killed her. She died on her bedroom floor with her 6 year old daughter home. I am now helping care for my niece. To say I was devastated is an understatement.

My fear, is that I will forget the sound of her voice. So I read and re-read text messages because for some reason when I do I read them as if she was talking to me. Last night I was looking through her emails to find some info on her storage unit. I started reading emails she had sent to various people. I felt an overwhelming s addness i had not felt. It hurt so much I started to panic. I missed her.

As I was reading I came across an email. I started reading and time stopped. I didnt understand what I was seeing. It was emails between her and my husband. Every emotion ran through my body in seconds and I felt like I was going to faint.

The emails were from the end of 2007. From what I read, which I only skimmed over, they were having an affair off and on for years. There were "I love yous" "in love" and "I miss you's". There are many emails. I can not read them.

Years ago when my husband had an affair, i was told by the other women, that my husband had at one point told her he had slept with my sister. I was shocked. I talked to my sister. She was extremely upset and swore that never happened. The same women who told me this, also tried to make my life a living hell for years. There were no signs that my sister and husband had ever had an affair, and my sister and I were very close. She was one of the main people in my life that I cried to while he was cheating. So I figured the other women was once again trying to hurt me by telling me lies. Now I know thats not true.
I dont know what I feel or how to feel right now. I dont know what to do.For 3 years, our marriage has been the best it has ever been. I have finally learned to move on from the past. And I thought he had completely changed.
I can't talk to anyone. And the one person who I would go to no matter what, not only is she the "other women" but she died. My heart is broken when I didnt think it could possibly break more.
Im sorry this is long and confusing. I had to get this out.


Me(BS)~ 28
Him~31
ds~14
ds~10
dd~9

D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in


Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2008
Drowninginitall
Member
Member # 40968
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, February 14th (Friday)

Goodness...I have no advice but wanted to post something to you. I am devistated for you and can not imagine your pain right now. Someone will be along who has more experience very soon, but I want to offer hugs to you and let you know someone is listening. Please take care of yourself. Hugs.

Posts: 105 | Registered: Oct 2013
Neverwudaguessed
Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, February 14th (Friday)

Oh, I am sooooo sorry that you have been through so much and seemingly came out the other side just to find out this new, overwhelmingly heartbreaking news. Did you have a counselor during the time that you found out your husband had cheated? If so, that would be a great place to begin to process your feelings. If not, I think that having a person who is not affiliated in any way with your family would be a safe place for you to work through this.
Do you think that her daughter's father has any idea about the affair? I wish I had some sage advice for you; I just want you to know that someone has heard you and I am sending you hugs (((crying inside))))


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, February 14th (Friday)

I don't even have words to express how sorry I am you are going thru this. I truly cannot imagine the pain you must be experiencing.

It looks like the only other person that can help you with this will be the one who has caused this pain....your husband. I wouldn't tell him how you know. Just tell him you do and he has some explaining to do. Don't let him gaslight you. If you have solid evidence you need to hold his feet to the fire until he comes clean.

It must be excruciating for you right now as you are still grieving your sister's death. Just know that there are some 42000 strangers here that will have only your best interest at heart.

Take care of yourself and allow yourself time to process all of the emotions you are going thru. You will be ok at the end of all of this but, it will be a long, hard road to get there. Please keep posting.

((((Cryinginside))))


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 723 | Registered: Apr 2013
Alex CR
Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 14th (Friday)

(((cryinginside)))...I am so sorry you are dealing with this new betrayal. These are a lot of issues to deal with, but the first thing you need to do is take care of yourself.

Is it possible to talk with a relative or IC or maybe a clergy member?

And, of course, you need to address this with your husband.

Be kind to yourself and know that we are all here for you.



BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Mar 2010
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 14th (Friday)

Hi, cryinginside, I respond to posts here almost daily, but I am at a loss for words right now. I cannot fathom the depth of pain you are experiencing.

The only thing I can suggest is you seek a counselor, like yesterday. You need to talk this through with an objective individual who can help you process the enormity of his/her betrayal.

Your WH may have changed, but he is living with this terrible secret, very unfair to you. Had you known the truth years ago, you might be in a different place right now.

I'd give him the opportunity to come clean...guard those emails. Don't reveal the source. If he has truly changed, he will tell you the truth.


Posts: 7515 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
HurtHarlequin
New Member
Member # 42217
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, February 14th (Friday)

Oh my God, I wish I knew what to say, but I don't think there are words. I am so sorry for this. I can't imagine your pain, but I know it must be great. I hope finding this website will help you in some way. There are a lot of people here who will listen and support you.

((((hugs))))


D-Day: Jan 25th, 2014
Me: BW
He: WH

I cannot believe this shit is actually happening.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, February 14th (Friday)

I am so sorry you are here again and under such painful circumstances.

Can you tell from the emails if their affair ended or was it still ongoing? If it ended years ago, maybe they were remorseful and maybe both really changed but decided (wrongfully, IMO) to not confess to you.

I know that doesn't help much but trying to offer something...

Bless your heart. Take care.

ETA - just read your profile. You've had numerous Ddays. Not so likely he's been remorseful. I'm so sorry again.

[This message edited by sudra at 12:10 PM, February 14th (Friday)]


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Nov 2010
Breezy150
Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 14th (Friday)

I am so sorry, my heart breaks for you. I can't even imagine the pain you feel. Try to take care of yourself, and seek IC.

(((Hugs)))


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 539 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, February 14th (Friday)

What a devastating disclosure. You must be reeling. I can't imagine the loss of your sister being compounded in this way! You will have to talk to your husband. His reaction will show if he has changed, in the end. So many hugs to you. Please do find someone IRL to discuss this with as you try to process.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4139 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
KeepCalm_CarryOn
Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, February 14th (Friday)

I don't post much anymore, but it is posts like this that make me wish we had a way to post a real hug. I am so sorry for the pain of your sister's loss and now this new discovery.

((((cryinginside))))


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2020 | Registered: Sep 2011
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, February 14th (Friday)

I'm with annb----I don't even know what to say.

I think counseling might help. You can't bottle this up inside.

(((((cryinginside)))))


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, February 14th (Friday)

I too cannot fathom the pain that you're in right now. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I really don't have any advice for you I just wanted you to know that you have been heard and my heart breaks for you.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 599 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Hosea
Member
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, February 14th (Friday)

Oh no, cryinginside. My heart is breaking just to read this. I hope so badly you have a really close friend, someone you truly trust who deeply values you that you can be with right now.

Please don't read any more emails right now. If you can, be with someone who can just hold you and comfort you. There is so much pain here that it is beyond human language to console it...

Do not talk to your husband yet. His consolations, if he offers any, will only tear you further apart. Stay away from him. Be with someone truly loving and trustworthy. As quickly as you can. Please please please hang on and don't let the despair overwhelm you, however powerful it is.

I will be praying for you. Know that there are others grieving for you. Please don't give up hope.


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, February 14th (Friday)

Hi there. I''m so very sorry that you''ve had to come back to this site. Words cannot express how sorry. I''m glad that you''re going back to see your IC. You need someone IRL that you can talk to, often.

While it''s absolutely wonderful that for the last 3 years, you''ve had a marriage that was better than ever, please don''t let that lessen or minimize the fact that you''ve had a second DDay coupled with a double betrayal. At a time when you thought all was going to be better than ever with your WH, you were knocked to your knees with the loss of your sister and now a steamroller has just pasted you onto the ground with the knowledge that your deeply mourned sister is also your WHs OW. Thanks to their selfish decision, and then your WHs (and frankly, her) choice to lie to you rather than get all of the pain and anguish out at once, every healing wound that you have has been opened to your bone marrow. Had they chosen to be completely honest with you and decided to draw a line and live, from that point on, lives of complete integrity and truth, you would "only" (and what a horrible word, only) be mourning the death of your sister. Now, because of their selfishness and lies, you''re having to face the death of your dreams over the last three years, the relationship that you thought you had with your sister, the relationship that you thought you were building with your WH, and the reality of so bloody much loss in your family.

I hope and pray that you can get your children out of the house to a friend''s or relatives before you confront your WH. You will have to. I only wish that I could be there to hold your hand. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4785 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
K Phantom
Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, February 14th (Friday)

OMG, I am soooo sorry ((((cryinginside)))).

That drug is the devil. Al-anon might be an option. This group is focused on drinking but i would think heroin is part of their focus too.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings

[This message edited by K Phantom at 7:05 PM, February 14th (Friday)]


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 511 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
HardenMyHeart
Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, February 14th (Friday)

(((cryinginside))) I am so sorry.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5643 | Registered: Aug 2007
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, February 14th (Friday)

I'm so, so sorry.

(((Hugs)))

I can't even imagine what you are going through. Just breathe for right now and don't worry about anything else.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, February 14th (Friday)

All the other posters have had so many wise and comforting things. Please listen when they say to put yourself and your needs first.

One other thought. Your sister was a heroin addict. I can't help but suspect she was a user of other drugs prior to that. One hardly ever starts with H. Addicts are selfish by definition. Cheating is common. It's possible this affected heroor choices in 2007. Not an excuse, but a reason. And, of course, no reason for your WS.

I, too, wish I could give you a RL hug...


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3525 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
cryinginside
Member
Member # 18540
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, February 14th (Friday)

Thank you all so very much for your words, advice, hugs and support. Truly, thank you.

I should have explained further in my post, my husband knows I read an email. Minutes after I read what I read, he started to talk to me about some important paperwork. As he was talking to me I felt like I was going to be sick. I was trying my best to compose myself but I am sure I looked like I had seen a ghost. He asked me, "What's wrong", I said nothing I'm fine. He asked again, "No there is something wrong with you, what happened!". I just simply stated, I read an email in Kristin's account, and it was a string of messages from you two. The look on his face told me he knew exactly what I was talking about. All he said was, "I have no recollection have an email to your sister. I looked at him and said I can't do this, then I walked away. Nothing has been said since. I left early this morning and he has been at work all day.

Yes, I was seeing a therapist for over a year. She was wonderful and I felt completely comfortable with her. I stopped seeing her because she no longer accepted my insurance. I have been thinking recently, after my sister's death that I should make an appt. with her and just pay cash. At least until I can find someone else.

I feel so lost and confused. I want to call my sister. I want to ask her why. I want to tell her I still love her. I want to ask her if she hates me. If that's why she would do something like this. And then I want to tell her how much I miss her and how I feel like I am walking around with a piece of me missing every day of my life. I want to tell her that now, after reading that, I feel like the extremely close relationship we had, was all a lie. I would have done absolutely anything for my sister, and I just can't see her hurting me like this. But, I saw it. I saw her words. It feels like a nightmare.

Hate. That's what I feel towards my husband right now. Disgust. I hate him and I don't know how I will ever not hate him again.

I can't read the other emails. The little bit I read has been like a virus spreading through my body all day. I wish I had never came across it. But I did and I can't unread it.

By what I did read, this is what I got from it.. the emails were written in 2007 (the end of the year I think) he was actually deployed during this time. It was a string of messages in one email. He basically said, I miss you and I love you. The one from her seemed like she was responding to a question he had asked (but i didn't see a question, I could have over looked it or maybe it was deleted, I'm not sure) She said, to answer your question, The first time didn't matter because I was drunk and then after it happened I thought we could do this every once in a while but then I (my sister) got pregnant and I saw how you treated Kayla and saw that you treated me better then her but I still am in love with you and miss you (that was just from memory, I have not looked at the email since I first saw it) and there was another one from her that said why do you have to be so hot.

I'm not sure if I want to know what happened. I am so scared of feeling anger towards my sister. I have a lot of guilt from my sisters death. I feel as if I should have been there to save her because she basically died because help was not called in time. I knew she had been vomiting for a couple days, I told her to go to the hospital. I should have forced her. I should have checked on her. Those things run through my head every single day.

Those are just some of the things that I have felt today. I don't know what to do.

Someone had asked of my nieces father might have known about the affair. No, I have never even met her father. He has never been a big part of her life. My sister did have a few serious relationships since my husband and I have been together and I do wonder if they ever had a suspicion. Because I have been trying to think about to any "clues" that were there but I never saw. I can not think of any.

I am the type of person that doesn't want the horrible sickening details, but has to have them. I don't know if having the details in this situation is the answer.

I have a very close friend who has been my rock, her son was killed by a drunk driver in July 2013, 3 months before my sister's death. She is the reason I have been able to get out of bed and take care of my kids and niece. I have told her what happened, so thankful I have her. I am also so very thankful I have you all. Thank you. Thank you so much.

(I'm sure this is confusing as I am typing everything that is going through my mind, so please ask if something doesn't make sense)




Me(BS)~ 28
Him~31
ds~14
ds~10
dd~9

D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in


Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2008
cryinginside
Member
Member # 18540
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, February 14th (Friday)

scaredyKat, Yes you are correct. She was a meth user around 2004-2005? She then got pregnant with my niece in 2006. After she had her, she started to take Vicodin and Oxycontin fro years she was off and on those. She became clean for a while and then started to use heroin. By the sound of the email,it was years the affair went on. I can't help but think that it was soon after WH and I got married (we met in Jan 2002 Married in jan 2003) I am sure the other emails holds the answers.


Me(BS)~ 28
Him~31
ds~14
ds~10
dd~9

D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in


Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2008
K Phantom
Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, February 14th (Friday)

We hear you ((cryinginside)). I just don't know what to tell you. Take care of yourself!


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 511 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, February 14th (Friday)

I am so very sorry for what you are going through and I absolutely hate to ask you this, but just going from the vague timeline you have and what was said in the email string, is it at all possible that your H is the father of your neice? Again, I hate to ask but it keeps going through my mind. (((((cryinginside)))))


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
GotMyLifeBck2013
Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, February 14th (Friday)

Couple of things. I am so very sorry for what has happened to you. This one of the worst scenarios i have read here, so remember, like the first time you found out, take care of yourself, 180 him until you feel safe enough for a full confrontation. Weigh your options now for your long term future, so reveal nothing more to him. Do not engage. Get those emails into a safe account, print them out and put them in hiding. Thats evidence of his second affair. Go to an attorney if you have the energy, get your ducks in a row. One false reconciliation is enough for anyone, so if you know he wasnt upfront before, those three wonderful years were not truthful. He has a problem, not you. If you choose to give him yet another chance you must know he will have to start all over with his counseling. Its important to know he might think the affair was seven years ago but for you it was only a few days ago when he again broke your trust. Grieve for your sister, then go through your grief for his cheating. You are strong and can do this and survive and be stronger than ever. But you must also protect yourself. He lied right to your face about his email to her. Do not waste time listening to lies. Once you feel safe enough to talk and feel the 180 has had its desired effect, be firm in everything you say. Confront, dont take bs, and if he is not upfront and remorseful completely, its time to make a stand. Theres so many layers of betrayal here i dont know if i were in your shoes i could stay, but thats a decision you will make later, after this horrific pain has subsided. God bless you, i will pray for you tonight.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
LearningToFly
Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, February 14th (Friday)

Cryinginside,

You have had grief piled on grief. Losing your dear sister is enough, but then to find that your husband and she had kept a secret for years is so awful in the midst of grieving. I am so sorry.

Addiction is evil. It truly is a sickness and one that is very difficult to live with. (Its never cured). Know that NOTHING you could have done would have saved her. Please don't blame yourself with "if only I gads..." You were not responsible for the choices she made in her life including to not go to the doctor when she was sick. Someday, when you feel up to it, joining a Naranon group may help you to sort that part out. You will learn there that we only have control over our own lives, none else's. We are not responsible for other peoples choices, only our own.

When my brother and nephew were killed by a drunk driver, I went to hospice grief counseling. It was so helpful. Being able to talk about my feelings of loss and learning that my reactions were normal helped me a lot. You love and miss your sister. You need to be free to grieve your loss (and you have a niece to help through hers. I hope you can find a hospice close to you. They didn't charge for grief counseling. I don't know if they are all like that but it might help to be able to go and focus on your loss right now.

My heart goes out to you. Your plate is overwhelming and I do hope you can find someone trustworthy to walk this dark path with you.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Laura28
Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, February 14th (Friday)

I am so sorry honey

I have no words

Just HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2748 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, February 15th (Saturday)

I'm so sorry. Reading your post gave me chills. I wish I could help but I have no words.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 627 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, February 15th (Saturday)

I am so sorry for the pain and anguish you are going through. There are no words that any of us can say that will help you. Just know that we are here, we will help in any small way we can. And remember most of all, we care.

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, February 15th (Saturday)

I think even if it took cash I would get back into that IC, you NEED someone right now to help you work your way around this new disclosure.

Your WS just lied right to your face, not surprising as he has lied about this the whole time. Sadly I bet he was hoping it was never going to come out now that she had passed away. Did he know you were reading thru all of her old emails and texts for the last few months? Man, just trying to wrap my head around this one....it never seems to amaze me how dark and deep these things go.


Posts: 5642 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, February 15th (Saturday)

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

((Cryinginside))

Mere words here can't convey how my heart hurts for you . . .such a double betrayal to endure.

Instead of lying to you WH should step up and be there for you, with support and honesty.

[This message edited by shiloe at 9:02 AM, February 15th (Saturday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 592 | Registered: Mar 2003
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

I'm sorry for your loss and double betrayal :(

I would take the cash and go back to IC. Hugs.

Eventually you will read all of the emails. When you are ready. More Hugs.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
cryinginside
Member
Member # 18540
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

Again, Thank you for all of your support. Its amazing how strangers, who are also going through heartbreak, can be the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

Chicky, No, there is no way possible WH is the father. There was a DNA test done when she was a year old. I have seen with my own eyes the results, and thank God I did. I actually told my friend, I am SO glad that there was a test done and I saw the results, because if there hadn't been or say I never actually saw the paperwork, after reading the email I would have, like you said, thought he was her father. And THAT would have sent me over the edge. I would probably be in jail.

I re-read my other posts, my goodness I was a mess. I know there is nobody that can tell me what to do, but the support and confirmation helps so much. I told my Aunt about the emails and she said maybe I needed to read that for closure. Closure?!? I didn't have any f***ing idea this even happened!!! Her statement was so odd to me, i actually thought....did she know? Maybe that is my paranoia talking but I just dont see how anyone can see this as closure.

I know I will be ok. I also know that I will never understand why this happened, because I can't talk to my sister. That is kind of where I am stuck. WH has tried to talk to, last night. I stopped him and said NO I am not ready, he said I dont know what you read I interrupted him and told him it doesn't matter I am refusing to have this conversation with you right now he just looked at me and said im sorry. I calmly told him, You will never in your life know the pain of losing my sister the pain of seeing her lifeless body in her apartment and being told to say my last goodbye, watching my little sister run unable to catch her breath because she could see the tube down our sister throat, or seeing my mom sobbing at her funeral or helping my oldest niece through an asthma attack when they brought her mom's ashes home...you wont know that pain ever and while still trying to process those things plus a million others, knowing that while you have seen me crying in the middle of the night and you trying to console me, you were probably feeling a sense of relief that I would now never find out what happened...so don't ever tell me you are sorry because you are not you are sorry I found out not for the pain you have caused. During that time he just starred at me with a look as if I was entirely right. I walked out of the room.

That's what he felt is relief. When she passed. I know he did. And that f***ing kills me. Because I would do anything to have her back with or without knowing about the affair.

I hate him. This is a horrible horrible thought but as i was telling him that, seeing his face all i could think of is I wish he would have died and not her. How terrible is that? Ugh

So, this is what I have been thinking about. Since I will never know her side, and there is always 3 sides to a story, his hers and the truth. I truly believe that. Basically he can tell me whatever he wants. So why should I even let him? Yes he could possibly tell me the truth but I know as do all of you cheaters lie. Period.

I called the women I was seeing for therapy and left a message. Hopefully she will call me back asap. I left the message yesterday afternoon. I have to talk to her, I dont even care how much it costs. She knows me and also knows of my whole family from me talking about them in the past.

Thank you all for listening to me. It is terrible having to keep this inside. I can't tell my mom, I think she would get mad at me. She probably wouldn't believe my sister would do that. I understand that.

I was thinking about having my friend log into her email and read the other ones. Just to let me know if there is anything in there that I should not read. I am afraid it's possible my sister talked bad about me. I dont want to know that. Does that sound like a good idea? Or should I just leave those other emails alone altogether?


Me(BS)~ 28
Him~31
ds~14
ds~10
dd~9

D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in


Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2008
lilflower1000
Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

Wish I had some brilliant advice.
Take care of yourself. I am glad that you have a good friend to lean on. I cannot imagine going through what you are going through.
(((cryinginside)))


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 309 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

Thanks for aswering my question. I know it was difficult to read even though you already knew the truth.

As to your friend reading the emails, well, that all depends on how much you trust her with the information. You should also consider how many people you want to know. May not seem important now, but I sometimes wish I hadn't told as many people as I did. In the beginning I was so livid I told anyone who would listen. Now that he has done the work and we are happily reconciled, I on occasion regret that I told. But for me the past can't be changes so I don't focus on that.

Focus on you and what YOU need to help you work through this and heal, if you can.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

You need to find someone to read the rest of the emails.

And you need to save them.

Your WS is an ass.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6533 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

I don't want to put ideas into your head, I just want to make sure that you understand that IF you feel the need to hear a human voice on the other end of the phone like RIGHT NOW, even if it's 3:00 in the morning, you can call a suicide prevention line and just pour it out. It can be totally anonymous, tell them that you're just breaking up inside and you need to talk. I promise you, they'll listen, and they'll care. I've done it myself. It's a voice, it's a human, it's someone who cares enough to answer the phones for complete strangers at 3:00 in the morning. They're usually volunteers but they will listen.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
NeedingAdvice
New Member
Member # 42409
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

I wish I could add anything at all that would help but I am at a loss for words. All I can say is that my heart goes out to you. I hope that you do get to speak with your counsellor soon, and that she is able to give you some guidance on where to from here.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Australia
lilmonkey
New Member
Member # 41682
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

((cryinginside)) Words cannot even describe how I feel for you right now. I am so sorry. I literally gasped as I read your post and my hand was over my mouth the whole time. I cannot imagine what you are going through.

My only advice to you right now is to take time to yourself. It was hard enough on you that your husband had an A. It was hard enough on you that your sister passed away. And now, the two of them together? You are so strong to be handling this the way you are. Please make sure you stay healthy and take care of yourself. Take all the time you need to cope with this revelation.


Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

Why don't you save the emails in a safe place and work with your IC to see how and when to handle reading them if you decide you want to.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

^^^^^ This actually sounds like really good advice. If you didn''t the first time, I would also highly suggest that you make an appointment with a divorce lawyer as well, and find out, exactly, what you should be able to expect in spousal and child support should you decide that he''s just not worth it. You don''t have to go one step further than gathering knowledge, but knowledge is a good thing to have, when you''re considering your options. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4785 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

Not trying to give you yet another thing to worry about.... but, if you are using your family computer then regarding those emails: ASAP, I suggest that you forward each one to a new email account that only you have access to and that there is no possible way your husband can access. Then do not go into that account from your family computer. I know I sound paranoid, but with some of the things I have read that WS's have done to BS's to cover their tracks, I wouldn't put it past him to install a keylogger so that he can gain the password to your sister's account and then proceed to delete all the the emails. Sad to think that people go to these lengths but they sometimes do.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

Cryinginside,
I am so sorry you are going through this. Have your friend read the email. Also, as Chickey said, create a new account and forward all the emails to that email address. Keep the evidence. You can also have them printed out, sealed and put in a safety deposit box. Keep your evidence. Others might erase it if they read it.

Hugs to you.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1591 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
cryinginside
Member
Member # 18540
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I apologize for not updating sooner.

Thank you all again for your support and kind words and advice.

I went ahead and made a knew email (that was a great idea) and had my friend move any she could find to the new one. I asked her to please read them, just to give me a heads up on the severity of them. She did, and told me it seems as if some are missing. There are pages and pages of email so she thinks she didn't find them all.

Last night, which is always when my mind won't stop, I logged on to the new email account. I opened 2 emails. Emails were from 2007, it was my sister telling him we got into an argument and how much of a bitch I was. His reply back was, Awww I'm sorry to hear that I'm sure you guys will make up. Um...WHAT?!? as I was reading that I thought wtf? Did they forget who they were talking about? It was the strangest thing. That's all I read. I logged out.

I have an appointment with my counselor next Wednesday. That was the soonest she had. Wish it were sooner, but my kids and niece are off of school for a week anyway so it works out.

I haven't talktalked to WH except for the daily convo, nothing extra. He has tried to talk to me about school but I just look at him. I have nothing to say to him.

For weeks I had a tattoo appt to get a memorial tattoo for my sister. I got it on Sunday. When I was cleaning out her apartment I came across a card she had bought me but never gave to me. In it it said such sweet beautiful words, it was almost like she was speaking to me from the grave. It meant the world to me. So I got the last thing she wrote to me, I love you, in her exact handwriting tattooed on me.

Before that I felt no anger at her. After, I do. Not so much anger but confusion and my feelings are crushed. I should have waited to get the tattoo. As now I feel like she didnt love me.

Chicky, Thank you for the advice! I too, after seeing firsthand and reading, am paranoid. That's why I never use our computer. Unless its for the kids homework etc... I use my phone for anything else. When I have logged on to her email, it was mostly from her laptop (which has a password) and a couple times from my phone. I even changed her email password. I wouldn't put anything past him.

Of course now I am wondering, what else dont I know. Other women? Other lies? Other secrets? I haven't searched through his things in so long.I know his passwords, he has me go in his email all the time for things and his phone. But now I am thinking maybe there's a secret email account. Ugh I hate this. I spent so much energy on looking and try to find answers, I dont want to do it again.

Last time, I filed for divorce. I had contacted legal help. We eventually stopped the divorce. I am thinking I may refile. I can't even look at him. I just don't know if I should wait. He is expecting a large amount of $ from the VA soon. This might sound horrible but I feel like I should be entitled to some of that $. I need to find out about that. Probably after my appt.



Me(BS)~ 28
Him~31
ds~14
ds~10
dd~9

D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in


Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2008
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

(((crying)))

This is incredibly painful stuff for sure.

I want to mention one thing, that no one has so far, and I want you to really really listen. This may seem harsh, but you need to understand this to help you heal and move forward.

Your sister was an addict, her addiction changed who she was, and how she chose to live. The girl that had an A with your H wasn't your sister. That was the addict. Just like the girl who died in that apartment that you have so much guilt over, she was the addict. Your sister was very broken, and the only person who fix her was herself. I want you to know that you did all you could for her, and probably more than you should have. Do NOT allow yourself to feel guilt for one more day. You are strong, you are smart, and you did NOTHING to contribute to her death.

You are doing all you can now to help her, by raising your niece, and being their for your family. Do NOT accept that guilt. She was a grown woman, capable of making her own choices. Grieve the loss of her, but let go of the guilt.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8420 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
cryinginside
Member
Member # 18540
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

tushnurse, thank you so much. I needed to hear this. It is extremely hard for me to understand, I have never been an addict. I am not perfect though, when I was younger I experimented with different drugs, I am fortunate I didn't like the way I felt. Never touched any again.

When my sister struggled with her addiction, I was always there for her. I would get so upset with her, but when she needed me I was there. The last year of her life, I told her I had to stop. I no longer could be there for her anymore. I worried every second, to the point where it made me sick. I felt a send of relief after I told her this. Then she made the decision to get clean and started going to the methadone clinic and about 2 months before she passed we started talking on a regular basis again. That's where my guilt lays, I gave up on her.

And now, I keep asking myself, did I do something to her that made her hate me so much? I even asked my friend, who was also a friend of my sister's who we have known for years. She said no cryinginside.

I may never know why. In the emails, she was clean. There was no sense of guilt. Nothing.

Now I have so much anger and hate towards WH. I feel as if he took my sister from me. My best friend. It feels as if I am living in a dream. In a movie.

Thank you for your words. I will continue to read them.


Me(BS)~ 28
Him~31
ds~14
ds~10
dd~9

D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in


Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2008
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Well, just to add to tush... what kind of person has an A with someone who they know is so vulnerable, so messed up? It's bad enough having an A with someone who is an adult and presumably is able to make choices, even if they're bad one, but when you know the other person is battling addiction... this just seems exponentally more wrong. I don't see how you could stay with this guy. (((crying)))


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Aug 2012
seriouslylostit
Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

(Crying inside)
I'm so sorry you find yourself in such a horrible situation! Just when I start to get some faith in humanity I read something like this. The best thing you can do is get some IC. You need to reconcile what your sister was and what to do with your WH.

Not to be a total downer but since your niece's father is "mystery man" is it possible your WH is the father?

Take care of yourself and don't let him gaslight you!

Eta: and since your friend was also a friend of your sister's, you might want to exercise some healthy doubt with her. Is it possible she knew? I'm being paranoid for you.

[This message edited by seriouslylostit at 2:51 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
cryinginside
Member
Member # 18540
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Blobette, Either do I

seriouslylostit, No WH is not her father. My sister had a DNA test done to establish paternity for child support when my niece was a year old. We know who her father is, he just has never been in her life. Thank God that was already known, or I would have had a complete breakdown by now. Also, about my friend, we have known her 15 years she was close to my sister in the beginning for about 2 years. With my sister's drug use she lost many friendships, this one included. They were still civil but never talked or saw each other for many years. She didnt know. But I think my mom did. And my Aunt. Things that didnt seem like anything at all become huge red flags after you find something out. I have had a few of those since reading the email.


Me(BS)~ 28
Him~31
ds~14
ds~10
dd~9

D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in


Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2008
Toodevoted
Member
Member # 33149
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

How sad

I have no words that haven't been said already especially this

Your sister was an addict, her addiction changed who she was, and how she chose to live. The girl that had an A with your H wasn't your sister. That was the addict. Just like the girl who died in that apartment that you have so much guilt over, she was the addict. Your sister was very broken, and the only person who fix her was herself. I want you to know that you did all you could for her, and probably more than you should have. Do NOT allow yourself to feel guilt for one more day. You are strong, you are smart, and you did NOTHING to contribute to her death.

You are doing all you can now to help her, by raising your niece, and being their for your family. Do NOT accept that guilt. She was a grown woman, capable of making her own choices. Grieve the loss of her, but let go of the guilt.

Just wanted to send you hugs really (((cryinginside)))


BS (me): 44
WH: 44
DD: Dec 2009 but let him rugsweep

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Crying in response to her being clean....there is a difference between not using and being clean. She may not have been using but please see that she was using the A as her drug of choice at that point. Still thinking like an addict and wanting someone, something to make her feel better than she did when sober. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if you are able to match up the end of the A with her starting to use again.

Consider going to an alanon meeting or two. It may help you understand how addicts think.

Let go of the guilt. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this. As sad as it is she was the only one who could save herself.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8420 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Been there done that with an addict sister. You did not "give up on her" as you say. When an addict is wallowing in their addiction, they will suck the life out of everyone around them. And participating in that is not supporting them, it is enabling them. Cutting yourself off from enabling her did nothing. The only one who can get an addict to recover is the addict. And constantly being my sister's soft landing spot, hand holder...yes enabler, did nothing to help her. She is deep in her addiction and truly dangerously violent. I will not try to save her at my own expense. She doesn't want saving, she wants to be comfortable while in her addiction. That does nobody a bit of good.

Way too long winded way of saying cutting ties with an active addict is a healthy choice for you. And had the chance of shaking her up with some tough love -... you did nothing wrong.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3616 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
beautytoashes5
Member
Member # 41900
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

(((Cryinginside)))
Take care of yourself. Try to sleep. Try to eat. Ask for help with your kids.
Asking for help is a strength not a weakness.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Wow, I cannot even imagine being in your shoes..
What TushNurse said, this person was a broken version of your sister..
My sister is the one closest person to me on this earth..Professional counselors are okay but I think talking to a good clergy person would be much better....A chaplain...From my experience lay counselors orient their counseling from a problem solving perspective..
While you may need this problem solving perspective in dealing with your husband ( who is still physically on this earth), I think you may also need some counseling or help from somebody who understands divine interventions..
It is so hard to reconcile or find peace with the memories of somebody who betrayed us but is no longer with us on earth..
PM me any time day or night just to talk..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:16 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Nov 2011
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

There are no words I can say...this situation is just so sad. Hugs to you (((((Cryinginside))))).

I hope you don't mind, I am bumping your thread to the top because there is another new poster who is suffering from the double betrayal. My heart goes out to the both of you.

Her name is Brokenbond. Maybe you can PM each other.

(((((Brokenbond and Cryinginside)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
cryinginside
Member
Member # 18540
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

tushnurse and JustWow, You both are right. Thank you for writing it. In my head I know this, it's just sometimes my heart feels different. I will continue to go back and read both of your words when I am feeling guilt. Thank you.

Everyday comes a different emotion. Today I am so angry at my sister. And then I feel like shit. How can I be angry at someone who is not here? But I am. Then it makes me miss her more. To the point where I feel I can't breath. So I push it out of my head.

I am realizing I am good at that, pushing things that hurt me out of my mind. My whole life I have been hurt and betrayed by people that should never of hurt me. My dad, my mom, my oldest son's father, my WH and now my sister. I have had counseling for things that happened in my past, but now learning this new information, I think I just pushed it aside and never healed. I am writing down all of these emotions and thoughts I am having so I can share at my IC appt.

One thing I am struggling with is telling my mom. I don't want to tell her. But then again I do. I see her everyday, we share the responsibilities of taking care of my niece. The other day she said something about my sister, and I just nodded. I was afraid if I started to talk I would lose it.

Getting to Happy, Of course I do not mind, my heart goes out to her. Such a terrible pain to live with. I will look her up and PM her. (((Hugs))) back to you.


Me(BS)~ 28
Him~31
ds~14
ds~10
dd~9

D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in


Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2008
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

I worked with all kinds of addicts and I can tell you that your sister that had the affair was not the same person you knew as your sister-----forgive her she was not responsible for her actions----and she already payed for all of her mistakes,all of them---think and remember her with love and pray for her soul,,,,for im sure she is looking out for you------but your husband is another story----how can he take advantage of her like that----and how can he do that to you----you and your sister were victims---he is the problem here----the lies---just looked you in the eyes for years and lied and now looks at your eyes and still lies to you----he is your problem---how could he do this to you and sleep at night-----you have a very sick man next to you----it is all a lie---it has all been a lie---he is winner,to have an affair with your sister---wow,so,so,so,sorry for your pain but remember that you can heal and move on and find someone who will be honest and really show you what love is really about----someone who loves and respects you----you deserve to be happy

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

-forgive her she was not responsible for her actions--
Just because someone is an addict does not absolve them from their wrongdoings. They still made choices and are responsible for their choices. Your sister was broken, just like your WH was/is. They are both equally responsible, WH isn't more responsible or more to blame than sister. Equal blame, guilt and responsibility by both parties involved.

Just because someone passes away does not put them on "saint" level. I know what I speak of. Our baby sister was a substance abuser/addict (you name it, she abused it) and died at the tender age of 29. To hear some family members speak of her now, she was an angel on earth. Far from the truth. I loved my sister. She was beautiful, fun, a wicked sense of humor, and loving. Unless she was using (which was most of the time). Than she was a hell bitch. Manipulative, violent, lying, thieving, horrible, selfish person.

think and remember her with love and pray for her soul
No one should lay this guilt trip on cryinginside. She has a right to be angry and hateful towards her sister, even if she is passed away. Cryinginside needs to work through all the emotions that she will have about her sister. She may get to a place where she only thinks of her sister with love, but she needs time to process everything that has been revealed to her. To deny your feelings and sweep them aside, as you said you have done in the past, cryinginside, is to do a disservice to yourself. You need to feel and work through all your emotions, not sweep them aside. That is the road to healing. That is the road to acceptance.

eta: I feel it is unfair to be demonizing cryinginside's WH anymore than any other common WS. How many of our WS's had affairs with addicts/alcoholics/sex addicts/mentally ill people? Why is he any worse than any other? I don't believe he is, fwiw. I believe he is a broken man like so many other WS's.

((((cryinginside))))

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:48 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9628 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

I am so sorry. I cannot begin to imagine the pain, conflicting emotions, betrayal, and confusion you must be feeling, cryinginside.

But to the guilt - I want to say this:

The last year of her life, I told her I had to stop. I no longer could be there for her anymore. I worried every second, to the point where it made me sick. I felt a send of relief after I told her this. Then she made the decision to get clean and started going to the methadone clinic and about 2 months before she passed we started talking on a regular basis again. That's where my guilt lays, I gave up on her.


The way I read this is that you did exactly what you should have done. When you withdrew your emotional support, (when you stopped "enabling") - she did seek help! She did get clean! That is not giving up on her - you did exactly what needed to be done and it worked!! She sought professional help! She got clean!

Her death due to the methadone is tragic, and her involvement with your H, while she was using is sickening - but she was on the right path in the end! You were talking again. I'm sure that was a great comfort to her and helped her to stay strong. Please be at peace with that - you didn't abandon her - you helped her find her way back to being clean!

(((cryinginside))))

[This message edited by Take2 at 10:24 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Just want to second what SMS and Take2 said. I can't say it better than that. Please be kind to yourself.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 671 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
lovehatelove
Member
Member # 42541
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, February 23rd (Sunday)

cryinginside

I am so sorry you are going through this.. I wish I had the right words to say to you...

we are all here for you!!!

(((HUGS)))


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
am I crazy
Member
Member # 21511
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

Your sister did love you. Probably with all her heart . She was damaged. Very damaged. I'm sure I'll get berated for this, but this is my advice, as far as it goes towards your sister. Take a deep breath, in through your nose. Open your mouth, exhale, LET IT GO......repeat as many times as you need. There is nothing you can do. Move forward. Love yourself.


BS 44
WS 48
Multiple OW on internet

"So, So what, I'm still a rock star, I've got my rock moves and I don't need you" ~ Pink

Life is great!


Posts: 270 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Lost, but looking for myself
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)

You are not at fault for any of this. Your husband and sister doing this to you is actually quite sickening.

If I was in your shoes right now, i would make a new start elsewhere and cut all the toxic elements from my life. You hinted that your mother may have known? If she did she would have been cut out of my life too.

Sounds harsh, but we are only on this planet once. We might as well make the most of it with people we love & respect and who love & respect us in return.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Oct 2013
cryinginside
Member
Member # 18540
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I have tried to reply back a few times, and it kept getting erased so frustrating trying to type from my phone! Hope this time works,

Sistermilkshake, Thank you. It took me a few days to except my feelings. I thought I had no right to be mad at her, she was an addict and tried to think of her as the victim. I thought I was a shitty person for being angry at my sister who is deceased. I read your post and realized that no, my feelings are my feelings. Thank you so much for your words. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to write to me. Every word is read, and re-read. Thank you.

While going over in my head if my sister was victim, and her using made her less responsible, I thought of this. My WH was deployed to Iraq 3 times. His first deployment at age 20 (before any type of affairs happened) he was on a convoy driving his CO. His truck was ambushed and his CO lost his hand. WH had to take himself and CO Out of truck to a ditch, where they stayed for the next 1hour and 47 mins with gun fire still continuing. WH Saved his CO's. WH now suffers with severe PTSD and TBI. He has since day one, I always knew this but a year ago he finally realized this and started getting help for it. That being said, if my sister wasn't responsible for her actions because she was a drug addict then WH wouldn't be responsible for his because of his mental disabilities. NO.

I know that my sister's using and WH's mental health had part of why they were the way they were. I don't know all the details of the affair but I "think" it started sooner after he came home from that deployment. They were both very broken. But it doesnt take my pain away. I too have a past, I got pregnant with my oldest son at 13. His father was one of my dad's drug buddies who was 23. He made me run away with him for 6 weeks because he thought my dad was going to kill him. I thought I was ok with this situation. Didn't think it effected me. I am wrong. It did and still does. But I would have never hurt my sister or had an affair. I know I am not my sister or WH and im not saying I am a better person then them. Basically what I am saying is that they are both responsible for this and it really fucking sucks!

I am still very angry and hurt and sad. I still miss my sister very much, so very much, every single day. I can not wait for my IC appt, I truly help me deal with these feelings.

Am I crazy, You are probably 100% right. I need to let these feelings go. There is nothing that can be done in regards to my sister. I just dont know how. :(

Still haven't spoken to WH. I am waiting till I talk to IC. I told him that. I am sure he feels that he won't have to answer questions. And I'm sure he hopes that since she is not here that this will be swept under the rug. Um no.

ZedLeppelin, I agree. I just don't know for sure if my mom knew. I don't know how to ask her. Ever since my sister's death, my mom has been very short with me. Almost rude. 100% not the same. I figured it was because she lost her daughter. I can not imagine that pain. My little sister (15) said she noticed this too. But she only acts like this with her and I. Little sister told me, I wonder if mom wished it would have been me or you that died.Broke my heart. Made me also think that may be true.


Me(BS)~ 28
Him~31
ds~14
ds~10
dd~9

D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in


Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2008
cryinginside
Member
Member # 18540
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, February 24th (Monday)

I had to submit the last post before my phone deleted it.

Honestly, today, I feel like I want to take my kids and my little sister and move to a different state. I feel like I'm living in a movie, and that I can't trust anyone. Like everyone, WH my mom my dad Aunt etc.... are freaking crazy.

That's how I feel today. I'm sure tomorrow will be different.

Thank you all for the support. It means so much.


Me(BS)~ 28
Him~31
ds~14
ds~10
dd~9

D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in


Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2008
ThisHell
Member
Member # 37089
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, February 24th (Monday)

((cryinginside)). I just wanted to chime in and let you know you are being thought of and prayed for (for whatever that's worth). I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling and I just wanted to reiterate, you are allowed to FEEL however YOU FEEL! And this will likely change daily or even momentarily as you process these feelings. The key here is to actually ALLOW yourself these feelings. My situation is nowhere near as horrific, but I can say growing up I always felt like I was put down for expressing how I felt. Oh I did it, lol, but I always felt like I was being the "bitch" as I was called by my mother when I was twelve and expressed that I was upset that she was taking back her promise to my friend and I to take us to a major event we were excited about. I was a "bitch" in my marriage when I brought up my frustrations to my husband and told to stop being dramatic, or whatever, and eventually I began ignoring how I actually felt about situations just because I hated being thought of as nagging or bitching...but I still FELT that way. NO one can tell you that how you feel is wrong.... now, how you handle those emotions and deal with them is what separates healthy and broken people.... your husband, your sister, they were broken. They clearly had unhealthy boundaries and methods of dealing with their hurts/emotions in life.... and they both had choices in how to deal with it... Just as you do. You can choose to ignore how you feel and stuff it away. Or you can choose to allow yourself to go through the process of feeling it, examining it, seeking healthy ways of working through it, while maintaining your own dignity, values and integrity...

I'm so sorry for both the loss of your sister as well as this additional hell you are going through. We are all here for you


Me:BW, 34/Him:BH, 34/ 3 boys, 5,8,12
4ddays, now Divorced
We are not in Kansas anymore

Posts: 283 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: NC
kalimata
Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Crying: this is simply one of the most tragic and sad stories that I've read on SI. I pity the situation that has come up around you.

I'm so sorry for what has happened, no one deserves what you've gone through.

I don't have any additional advice. But I think you need to kick your WH out of the house and begin your life anew.

..............Kali


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
hurtininHouston
Member
Member # 39250
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Crying i dont really post. Just wanted to let you know your so strong! I am so sorey for your pain! It floors me. To those of you following her painful ordeal. Makes your problems seem somewhat trivial.
You will make it through to the other side. You have a long life ahead of you. I am in R. & i beleive in it. But i feel you should start anew. Sorry !!!! :(
H

Posts: 59 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Houston
hopefulmother
Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Does your sister have a close friend you can talk to? Someone she would have confided in about the affair? You may be able to get answers or your sister's state of mind from them. Affairs are never totally secret. Someone always knows about something.

I am sure your WH wasn't relieved by her death. If it had been going on for years, he is probably devastated and misses her.

You need your mother right now. It will hurt her to find out, but she is still a mother and needs to be there for you now.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)

Hey Cryinginside,

Just checking in, letting you know that you are in my thoughts.

I really like your idea of moving to another state and starting over without your crazy family. A fresh start. And a place where your FOO don't have too much to do with your kids and niece. They sound toxic.

Whatever you do, please try not to read too much into your Mom's reactions to you. You need space and time to grieve...so does she. No matter how fu*ked up her thinking is, leave her be for now. Give her a chance to grieve in her own way.

I am not giving her a pass because if she did know what your sister and your WH were doing, in her house, shame on her. She will pay for this in the future. Losing the respect of your children is sad as it is telling.

I think that just like you her world is coming apart.

I am not asking you to rugsweep this with your family. Maybe in a month or two after seeing your IC you can have a family meeting and find out the truth of the whole seemy matter. Or not. No pressure. This is about you and your healing.

I also agree with some of the posters that say let it go. You will need to give yourself time to grieve and that takes time. But your sister died, she cannot answer any questions or show remorse. Perhaps that might speed the process, you will have to get to acceptance faster...

Trust me I know that you are in pain. So please don't take my comment about letting go is coming form a callus place. I am just very concerned about your mental health and your ability to process all of this hurt at once.

All we can hope is the you can feel the concern and care from all of us here on SI...that you can see it as a balm to sooth your heart.

We are listening and we care.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
cryinginside
Member
Member # 18540
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)

I have my IC appt today. It will feel nice to let all my feelings out to someone in real life. Im hoping that, letting every thing out...all my feelings thoughts etc... I will be able to move on from this. (Regarding my sister) because like you said Getting to Happy, my sister died. I will never be able to talk to her so why hold on to this pain. And even though I am angry with her, I miss her terribly.

It's the oddest thing, the last couple days I know she has been with me. I know people have different beliefs on things like this, and thats fine, just dont think im crazy . Sometimes I will be in my backyard and I gets chills down my back and can sense her behind me. So much that I actually turn around and half of me expects to see her. This has brought me a sense of peace. It's almost like she I's trying to comfort me. Sounds crazy I know, but I promise im not losing my mind.

That's all I want. Is to be at peace with her. My WH is a whole different situation. I asked him last night why he never told me. (I know soo many details about things he has done) He said they both didnt want me to know. That it isn't what you think it is. I told him I read their own words and I dont have energy in me to hear a bunch of B.S.! ....This was in passing. I will not have a discussion with him with my kids little sister and niece in the house.

WH's past A's turned me into someone I never want to be again. It consumed my life. I refuse to let him do this to me again.

Someone mentioned talking to friends of my sister's, I so wish I could think of someone. She didn't have any female friends that were close that I know of. We were each other's best friends. So that would be hard.

Thank you all so very much for letting me get this off my chest, it helps so much. I know there isn't a whole lot of advice to be given in my situation but just being able to write my feelings help. Hugs to you all ((( )))


Me(BS)~ 28
Him~31
ds~14
ds~10
dd~9

D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in


Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2008
cryinginside
Member
Member # 18540
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I've been meaning to post an update. Life has been so crazy and just been trying to take it day by day.

I was tested for hepatitis, and it was negative (Thank you God) I have seen my counselor a few times and it has seriously saved my sanity. She basically said what most of you said, I need to "let it go", when I can. Feel the emotions but work towards forgiving my sister. She also said I should deal with one thing at a time. Since I had anger towards my sister, anger towards WH and I am also grieving my sister and many more emotions, that I had to separate them. I was angry at my sister for a while. One day I literally woke up. And the grieving pain was back 100%. It felt like the day she died. I can say, the anger was easier to deal with.
My H, well I talked to him. I didn't want to know any details I can not know those things yet, or maybe never. He said it happened years ago, they were drunk, and they both decided never to tell me. That's all I would let him say. I saw a lawyer, I know what will happen (for the most part) if/when I file. Right now I can not. It would be too much. My counselor agrees. She also said she thinks I should think about forgiving WH, but also understands why I can't.
Thank you all for your words, advice and hugs. They truly meant so much. I have came back here and read them many times. ((((Hugs to you all))))


Me(BS)~ 28
Him~31
ds~14
ds~10
dd~9

D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in


Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2008
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I am so so terribly sorry you are here again.

I pray that you find peace in your heart and in your mind.

You will get through this. You will. It sounds as if you are making good, sound decisions.

Do what you need to do on your timeline. Yours not his.

Stay strong. We are all rooting for you.

God bless.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2013
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Crying, it sounds like you gave your sister huge -suprahuman-support, and I suggest you try to focus on that whenever guilt hits (although you could also write her a letter to say sorry that you could not help her, I emphasise the could not 'would'. Plus a letter maybe a little further down the road expressing your shock and anger, please do not suppress your anger, there has been a huge betrayal here). Guilt is normal for all bereaved people, and of course even more so for those who have been unable to stop someone on their self-destructive path. So grief counselling and al-anon are both good ideas for you to help you through that aspect of your feelings about your sister. I am sure your sister did love you but also had feelings of jealousy that will be part of the roots of her actions, and she herself will have been 'split' in terms of her behaviour.

Your husband's attempts at 'sorry' don't cut it, and I suggest you do not engage with him at the moment. He needs to sort some stuff out, and your first speech to him sounds to have quite brilliantly articulated where he might need to start, and that is enough signposting from you to him for now, don't you think?


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5101 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I am glad to hear you are doing better. Such a lot to process yet you are making your way through it, bit by bit. Kudos to you.

Sending continued strength and increasing peace.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4139 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
mof2
Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

OMG....I have absolutely no words. My jaw is dropped! All I can say is that I'm sorry for your loss and divorce that douche bag. Absolutely sickening.


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Um yah, way to soon to work on forgiveness. You just discovered this new betrayal. I don't care if it's new or old as far as when it happened. I think your counselor is way off base here.

Your H better be doing the work to fix himself, or you need to be ready to walk away. You deserve more, much more.
I can see being more able to forgive your sister, afterall she was an addict, and had been pretty messed up for a while. But I don't think I would ever be able to forgive my spouse for that level of betrayal.

Remember you have done nothing wrong here. Make you a priority.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8420 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
SpecialK
Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Oh Crying, please allow me to add my sincere I'm so sorry.
The fact that you can function at all is testimony to your strength. You have been given a lot of support and I pray that you glean some good out of it.
I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts, that you will find peace no matter what path you choose to take in life.

Posts: 254 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 77