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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: who the OM is?
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

I'm attempting to figure out who the other man is for several reasons.

1.)Our daughter. Even if he doesn't have direct contact with her (big if) I need to know what kind of person he is (besides someone that would knowing sleep with a married woman)
2.)For the possible OM's wife or GF.


Is it wrong for me to be reasearching this if my STBXWW and I are divorcing?


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014


Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

Heck no! Go for it. I'd want to know.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Aug 2013
CantLoseHope
Member
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

Is it wrong for me to be reasearching this if my STBXWW and I are divorcing?

In my opinion, No I don't think its wrong.... First of all it will probably create even more closure for you.
Secondly, as you said your daughter, I think it is very important that you know.
Thirdly, your right the OM's wife/girlfriend should know too.

I hope you are doing alright Midas.


"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"


Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

do you have any idea who he is? name? phone number? anything?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3153 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

As long as you''re not planning on doing anything illegal then researching the identity of the OM is strictly up to you, what is best for you.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3644 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

I have a strong need to know who the OW is. And there have probably been more than one. I've researched (sometimes obsessively)and got nothing. STBXWH says it's inappropriate for us to talk about. I've even hired a PI but we still have very little info. So no- it's not wrong and I totally understand. He probably knows about you.


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

I'm of 2 minds about this.

#1, if you sincerely believe he's going to be in your daughter's life, then I agree. But the fact is, you'll probably get more info from your daughter over time anyway, so patience will pay off. Unless he is NOT part of her life, then he doesn't really matter, does he?

#1A I feel sorry for the OM's BS. If you knew his identity, you should tell her, for her sake. But not to the extent that you harm your own healing.

#2, Every thought you give about the OM is ultimately delaying your healing. He doesn't matter, he didn't cause the infidelity, he could have been any prick that came along.

Your healing takes off when you realize that, and focus on yourself.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5115 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, February 15th (Saturday)

#2, Every thought you give about the OM is ultimately delaying your healing.

I disagree. It is normal to want to make sense of our lives and it seems to me that knowing the identity of the OM is a fundamental part of that process. It is a component of the basic narrative: who, what, when, where.

Yes, it could have been anyone but that said it was someone. For me, I had to know what I was healing from and it did help me to know some details about the OW. She lost all of the power she had in my head when I discovered the rather pathetic details of her life.

Midas, I like you have a daughter. You need to protect her and you certainly can't rely on a WS to do that. They may do the right things but on the other hand their judgement and instincts are completely off. I would leave no stone unturned to find out everything about this individual.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 11:07 PM, February 15th (Saturday)]


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
What2Do76
Member
Member # 30349
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, February 16th (Sunday)

I think that wanting to know who the OM is or was is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. Especially if you have a child.


D-Day 11/20/10
Love Is Not Constantly Wondering If You Are Making the Biggest Mistake of Your Life

Posts: 367 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ontario
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, February 16th (Sunday)

I guess the one question I would have is whether there is any legal precedent that compels the WW to reveal the OM to the court/lawyers? I wonder if one way to do this is to ask the court to appoint a guardian ad litem to research the suitability of the other home/relationship. This would make it less of an issue for you to figure this out, since knowing a name might not get you much info. anyway.

You could push the custody issue based on knowing the suitability of the OM...meaning you are looking for greater custody unless you have proof that your DD is safe withe the OM.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 577 | Registered: Aug 2013
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, February 16th (Sunday)

If she is still involved with him and it is apparent he will be around your daughter...hell yes. He has low enough characteristics to have an A with a married woman then you don't know what he's capable of doing. Probably your stbxww doesn't really know him either, although she thinks she does. That's the fog and the ego talking. I would push that with your attorney if she doesn't give up his ID so you can background check him. And I would even pay a service to do that if need be. You never know about people and a child's well-being is something not to take chances with. Until she reveals him I would fight the case as "not fit to being a stable and responsible parent."

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:50 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, February 17th (Monday)

The other man is a convicted sex offender, he molested a 14 year old girl in 1994. My wife thinks he is changed, and "not like that anymore". My wife isn't moving in with the other man, but she is still seeing him. She doesn't agree with me when I say that when you have children you can't be in a relationship with people that wouldn't be good for the child. WTF!!!


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014


Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
TrustNoOne
Member
Member # 16591
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, February 17th (Monday)

OMGosh....I read ^^^^^^^^ and felt a knot in my stomach.

I don't even know you, your wife, or your child and everything in me is screaming for you not to let this man around your child - "changed" or not changed he apparently violated another young girl and there is no "second chance" when a child only has one opportunity at youth, innocense and emotional well-being.


Posts: 1320 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: SoCal
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Wow! No, daughter will not be around OM. first and foremost protect you little girl!


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Oh, and he is over 50, and has grandkids.


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014


Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, February 17th (Monday)

The other man is a convicted sex offender, he molested a 14 year old girl in 1994. My wife thinks he is changed, and "not like that anymore".
You can get a motion from the court to disallow unsupervised visitation as long as she is seeing OM.

Something is seriously wrong with your stbxww to even consider for one second risking her child by exposing her to OM. Her first loyalty should be to her child.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3644 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, February 17th (Monday)

I just got a punch in the gut.

She cheated on me one other time in our marriage that I wasn't aware of, again with a co-worker, and four other times before our marriage in high school. Every affair during our marriage has been with a coworker, and every affair before our marriage with a fellow student.

[This message edited by Midas at 11:17 PM, February 17th (Monday)]


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014


Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Dude get your ass down to court and get a motion filed ASAP. These perverts love to use women like your WW to get easy access to their children. Changed my ass !!! You need to do whatever you can to make sure this POS is nowhere near your child. Fuck the A and any other one for the time being. You child's safety is paramount right now and you need to take action. You can deal with her after you put out this raging fire first. This bitch is delusional if she thinks he has changed. Do not wait a minute longer, do not consult her or give her a heads up. Get down to the courthouse now. You don't even need a lawyer for this. Get going my man !!!!!!!!


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5547 | Registered: Nov 2007
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Is your daughter living with you right now? Is your wife out of the house yet? Dear God, this is everyone's worst nightmare!


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3153 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I would move heaven & earth to prevent my daughter from ever being around this man. If he's a convicted sex offender who offended with a minor then there are valid reasons for you to make this happen. There is precedent to make it happen.

Your STBX is a fool. Protect your baby girl, Papa Bear!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9232 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Affairs thrive in secrecy, and I needed backup from someone that loves my daughter and my STBXWW, so I told my STBXWW's mother about the criminal history of the other man, this pissed off the soon to be ex. Her mom called her and set her straight, that a mother can't get involved with men that might be a danger to their children. That if she continued to see this other man I would get full custody of our daughter, and she would get supervised visitation. So she broke it off with the other man, I can tell, because she's heartbroken. I told her that if she continued to see him, eventually I would find out and I would get custody. She is still looking for an apartment and still sleeping on the couch, now if only she would stop talking about her feelings! It's nearly impossible for me to see her upset and not want to comfort her, weather I comfort her or not I feel awful. Hopefully soon she will be moving in with a coworker and her grandson, or into her own place and I can start the hurting and healing of missing her.

[This message edited by Midas at 2:11 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014


Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

So she broke it off with the other man, I can tell, because she's heartbroken

Based on OM's criminal history....he is a probably a master predatory and manipulator. He can easily move to using these skills on your WW during her time of trying to break it off.
I would be conscious of this going forth. Just because she broke it off today; does not mean she will be able to stay strong if he starts pressuring her.

For your DD sake - I sure hope your WW is strong enough to keep this OM out of all your lives.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 1987 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Do not naively think this is the end of the sex offender OM. You need to work with your daughter and give her the tools necessary to report inappropriate activity should this man, or any other man, be in her life via her stupid mother.

Cheaters lie. My ex told me that he'd broken it off with this one particular OW, the one who was a convicted drug dealer. Well, that wasn't true. They'd continued their relationship for a couple of YEARS.

Don't believe what a cheater tells you. Especially when it comes to the safety of children.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9232 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Midas
Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Our divorce final decree will include limitations on exposure of my DD to our potential romantic partners. (originally 6month no introduction, 12 month no overnight, maybe adjust this) I will be talking to my daughter about inappropriate behavior and I have the OM's picture from the offender database and I'm going to make sure she knows he is a bad man. (once I figure out how to do that appropriately)


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014


Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Finding out for me was absolutely necessary for my sanity. Years of knowing but letting her tell me I was jealous controlling insecure. Once I found out who. On my own I might add. Then I was able to fully detach. As far as your om being a sex offender. Brother come on. There are no rules in this fight. Do what ever you have to to protect your child. Whatever!!!!!!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 599 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Topic Posts: 25