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Reconciliation
User Topic: Just when I thought..
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, February 16th (Sunday)

Just when I thought things were getting better...
We have jointly gone to the MC twice and both met with the Counselor separately before that. After unleashing my anger at 2nd session, our C suggested we schedule our talks. So we did and my WH and I sat down and I told him that one of the major problems was his communication with me, that he wasn't "introspective" but a conflict-avoider.

I also asked, but told him he didn't have to answer right away, how he could live the double life of his A: telling 2 women he loved them, insinuating a future with both. Also telling her that he was "working on his marriage" (really?).
And how he could betray me this way.
When I asked how he felt about AP now, his answer was "indifferent", although he admitted that he missed the excitement of the A.

A couple of nights later he gave me his responses.
"Guilt, for attacking me when I voiced my suspicions". "Didn't know what I was thinking, etc." "I love you".

When we discussed full transparency, he admitted that a couple of weeks ago he saw his AP on the side of the road with a flat tire and stopped to help her (she's a COW, by the way). I actually understood this, but it hurt that he hadn't told me.

THEN, I asked if he still thought he'd like to be with her, he hesitated for what seemed to be a long time and said, "There is a part of me that still would like to be with her". Uh, while I thanked him for his honesty, I was massively hurt (again).

We have slept in separate beds since then. This was the day before VD and at 5:30 am he walks in with a dozen roses and a VD card and says, "This is awkward, Happy Valentine's Day".

He apparently doesn't remember that I told him years ago that I don't like roses!

My gift to him (given at a more appropriate time of day)? A beautiful piece of art I made with the lyrics of "Say Something - I'm Giving Up on You" with a heart on it with a piece missing. The piece he has reserved for her.

My DS is home for the weekend and we have "scheduled" another talk on Monday, the day before another MC session.

This affair IS the gift that keeps on giving! (as another poster said).


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Virginia
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, February 16th (Sunday)

Hey OakStreet

Being only four months out is a killer. It's a point where the BS (can only speak from my own sitch) expects things to be so much further along than they are. KWIM?

Kudos to your MC for suggesting you have "talk dates". I wish I had thought of that in our earlier R. It gives you a concrete time to talk and get feelings out, while allowing you to leave it alone, which we all need.

These statements from your husband sound like they don't jive.

When I asked how he felt about AP now, his answer was "indifferent", although he admitted that he missed the excitement of the A

THEN, I asked if he still thought he'd like to be with her, he hesitated for what seemed to be a long time and said, "There is a part of me that still would like to be with her".

If he has feelings about still missing his AP he hasn't reached indifference. He should have no thoughts of her, or thoughts of disgust which eventually lead to not thinking of her at all. It takes time, He hasn't gotten there.

It also makes R nearly impossible for a BS. Knowing your husband still has glittery fantasies about the A.

He needs to be in IC and work through these issues. He cannot be a safe place for you to lay your heart when his is still in two different relationships.


When we discussed full transparency, he admitted that a couple of weeks ago he saw his AP on the side of the road with a flat tire and stopped to help her (she's a COW, by the way). I actually understood this, but it hurt that he hadn't told me.

I am sorry he stopped to help her. IMO he shouldn't have. She is a grown woman and doesn't need saving. I have AAA and would be ok handling a flat tire on my own or with AAA's help.

He needs to have no contact. No thoughts about her, no stopping to help and no light talk in the office. Have the two of you discussed his getting a new job? I would bring it up if you haven't. It is unfair to you to worry about an AP that is still in contact daily with your husband.
Any contact (especially the tire incident) should be told to you immediately. You shouldn't have to ask about contact. He needs to examine this closer and find out why he needed to be a nice guy and help her out.

Because he hasn't gotten to where he needs to be doesn't mean he won't get there, but I do not think it helps that he is skirting transparency, still working with and in contact with the AP and having trouble communicating.

It's a process, one which takes some serious digging and self-awareness. I do believe he needs IC. He needs to get to a healthier place before he is able to commit to being a strong, safe partner for you.

He apparently doesn't remember that I told him years ago that I don't like roses!

It took my husband years to stop buying me flowers! I hate them. They cost a fortune and then they just die, lol. I think some men just don't know what to do so they go to "societies answers" for their ideas.

We didn't agree to R until about 5 months after dday. In that five months the two of us did much self evaluation, started on our own healing and were able to offer/accept R knowing we were both on board 100%.

It takes time, I hope he is able to fully get there, the in between time is so difficult for us BS's.

(((hugs)))


[This message edited by karmahappens at 6:24 AM, February 16th (Sunday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3775 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
forkinthehead
New Member
Member # 42267
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, February 16th (Sunday)

I may be off bass in my way of thinking. Most likely because I can only base my assumptions through my own experience. I mean you no harm and I am not being flippant.

I believe the WS gets pissed off at us for knowing. Regardless, if they have told us or that we had found out on our own. They miss the ego stroking from their extra curricular activity partner (ecp). They like being told how wonderful, sexy, attractive, that they are the best at________ fill in the blank. Their ecp doesn't know them like we do. We've seen their worst....it's not pretty. Though, neither is ours or anyone else for that matter.

I was married for 20 years to a man that cheated like he changed his underwear. I have no idea to this day how many partners that he had. I long ago stopped caring. He is remarried now and someone else's problem. Our divorce was 14 years ago. Its still one of my best decisions...just gave myself a much deserved pat on the back!

I digress...I find myself back in the saddle once more. Im in my second ltr of my life ( 12 years) not married- cohabiting, living in sin... whatever the term is now. Who knows? He made the decision to get into an ea last April. Im still in the Sybil phase...boughts of anger, wanting to throw sharp objects at him, feeling bad for wanting to do him harm, self loathing ( piece de resistance) its all a bunch of bullshit. His reasons are excuses. Like so many others he chose to feel like he did and he chose to do what he did.

With thoughts, ideas and feelings being a choice. We have the same power, in what we believe, how we feel and how important is this person to us. Are they worth inviting back into our lives? Do we want to trust them? I have asked those questions...no answers yet.

I have no answers because I know that I am sitting on the fence. I am also grappling with is love enough? For me it isn't. I expect him to work as hard on us as he did having his ea. I expect myself to do the same.

I believe that we are worth it. I can only hope he doesn't fly under my radar and decide to be a dickhead again. Then again it's his choice.

Good grief! I apologize. I do believe I completely went off topic.


Just when you think it's safe to go into the water. Life steps in and takes a big bite. Let me rephrase that to a HUGE bite out of ones ass.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: northeast
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Thank you both karmahappens and forkinthe head!

We did not have our scheduled talk tonight, so I guess we'll have it at the MC tomorrow. We both have stressful jobs in the resort industry and it was a tiring weekend!

If he has feelings about still missing his AP he hasn't reached indifference. He should have no thoughts of her, or thoughts of disgust which eventually lead to not thinking of her at all. It takes time, He hasn't gotten there.

It will be interesting to see how my WH addresses this in counseling. This is exhausting!


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Virginia
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, February 17th (Monday)

ks ago he saw his AP on the side of the road with a flat tire and stopped to help her

Wow. I'm glad he told you but this would be a dealbreaker for me. Talk about KISA being activated!
I'm so sorry.
NC is so very important!

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:24 PM, February 17th (Monday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4530 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 5