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User Topic: Polygraph tests
grace31513
New Member
Member # 42454
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, February 17th (Monday)

I can't get the truth out from my WH so it might take a polygraph test to get it from him. I have done a little research and found there are 2 types of tests: the polygraph test and a voice stress analysis test. Does anyone here have any experience or knowledge with either one?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
kalimata
Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, February 17th (Monday)

The voice stress tests aren't as well accepted as the traditional polygraph.

Polygraph measures a variety of different things (respiratory rate, pulse, etc), and have been in use in law enforcement for dozens of years.

Nothing is 100% foolproof, but the traditional polygraph is the way to go. You will get only 5-6 questions that you can ask (in addition to a couple of control questions). These have to be yes/no answers.

So think carefully what you want to ask. You will probably get a full confession in the parking lot before the actual polygraph. Take a VAR with you to record what he says.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, February 17th (Monday)

agreed, most I have seen on here get a full confession shortly before if not in parking lot.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1855 | Registered: Nov 2010
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 17th (Monday)

I don't know. I read about BS's wanting polygraph tests from WS's. Personally I don't get it. If you are that unhappy with your WS and your current marriage why do you need to go to the hassle of doing that? You don't need a polygraph test to know you don't trust somebody. Isn't that enough reason right there to divorce as it stands? And if he even does pass, I'm sure it doesn't leave you with a relief that he isn't going to do this again in the future sometime and hide it from you. I'm from the old school of..."your gut is telling you something isn't adding up, it probably isn't." I don't need a machine to tell me that.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
iamsoblind42
Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Again, wishing there was a Like Button this website. Well said SeanFLA.


I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched


Posts: 201 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
Jls0320
Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, February 17th (Monday)

I agree that if you feel like you need a polygraph, then just trust your gut that something's wrong. I considered it to find out the extent of my WHs EA, but realized I already had the answer I needed.


Me: 32 Him WS: 33, 2 little boys
Him: EA with coworker, porn/cam/chat site/Craigslist addict. Diagnosed as SA
Together 15yrs, married 6yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
Reconciling? Maybe?

Posts: 183 | Registered: Nov 2013
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, February 17th (Monday)

I think the reason a BS wants a polygraph taken is so they can know the truth, the entire truth to at least the major questions.

The need to know the truth is in many times extremely important to the mental health of the BS in the present and the future.

The not knowing and always wondering can be a living hell.


Posts: 3482 | Registered: Jun 2002
cantseestraight3
New Member
Member # 42112
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I completely understand the want/need for a polygraph. I am still considering it for my WW. She has admitted to quite a bit, and some that I probably would never have found out and has said over and over that that is all of it, but I have absolutely no trust in her anymore.

I went from absolute trust, to 0 in about a minutes and a half and I have remained at 0 since.

My internal argument for a poly goes something like this: If she was good at covering her tracks, I will have no way of knowing if she came clean or not. She has already PROVEN to be an effective liar (effective on me at least) and I need some reassurance from an impartial source that this is true.

I have not researched it yet, but she agreed to take the poly when I mentioned it to her. This at least is a good sign.

I know that the poly is not perfect, but it could give me some small footing of solid ground.

If you can, please let us know what happens.


MS M54
WS F45
D-Day 1/4/14

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
kalimata
Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

The other major reason to ask for a polygraph is to incite fear in the wayward spouse.

Even if you don't trust them, it lets the wayward know how far the trust has been betrayed. It is more of a symbolic gesture than anything else.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Don't be surprised, Grace, when you find "how to beat a polygraph test" in your husband's search history on his phone/computer/iPad/tablet, etc. etc.

Go with the poly over the voice test.

Lastly, it seems that most of the betrayed's who have scheduled a poly have received some sort of 11th hour confession - either when they were putting on their coats to go out to the car to drive to the poly test, in the car on the way, or in the parking lot at the poly tester's office. That's why they're referred to as 'parking lot confessions.' When they realize the humiliation of being wired up to a machine and trying to lie - only to have the poly expert be able to see through their deception and have you find out THAT way - they usually choose the last minute confession.

But beware - these liars will ONLY tell you just enough to get their neck out of the noose. Very rarely will they spill every last detail on the table. Why should they when only one piece of information (damning as it may be) will suffice? For example, on D-Day, maybe he claimed the affair was only 3 months long when in reality, it was 3 YEARS long. Your parking lot confession might be that the affair was "longer than 3 months - it was actually 1 year." So while this is a confession to you, it's STILL not the truth - but enough to make you THINK you've gotten the truth.

STRONG ADVICE: Even if you GET that 11th hour confession in your living room, in your car or in the polygraph office parking lot, DON'T CANCEL THE TEST!!!!!

An unfortunate reality is that most of us don't EVER get the whole story. Hold his feet to the fire Grace.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1541 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

The not knowing and always wondering can be a living hell.

Let me tell you something from experience. Knowing the whole truth can sometimes be a "worse than a living hell" experience too. Many days I wished I never learned eventually what I did. It only undermined my self-esteem and self-worth even more. That this person seemed so unhappy that she would go to these extremes. I know it's a reflection on her not me, but sometimes you just cannot shake that feeling, even years later. Be careful what you dig for. As much as you would like to believe, most likely you will not be any happier when you find out. I know I wasn't.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1456 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
lostworld
Member
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I am a BS whose H took a polygraph. I didn't demand it, my FWH offered it, and I accepted it. While it is true that a polygraph is not a "silver bullet," it did help in our R. After a year long false R, the polygraph was a starting place to verify that NC had been established for the previous 3-4 months. I don't mean to offend or worse yet, insult anyone, but I don't think I was unique in not trusting a spouse who had cheated on me, while simultaneously hoping and believing that a true R was desirable and achievable. It is true that I was very unhappy and distrustful of my M at that time as it was early days, but I think that was rather typical for me as a BS. It didn't mean that I wanted or needed to give up on my H, my M, or my hopes. I think I would have an entirely different opinion if, after a lengthy R, I still needed a polygraph to feel safe in my M (thankfully that is not the case.)

The polygraph gave me renewed hope that my H was being honest and transparent; that he was actually willing to do any and all things necessary to rebuild himself and our M. The polygraph didn't guarantee an infidelity free future, but IMO nothing can provide that. As I said earlier, it did give me relief that changes had been made, and it gave me a little more willingness to stay in the M, which was truly what I wanted.

I did get an 11th hour piece of information, although it was nothing earth shattering or particularly enlightening. I also have to admit that it was a very stressful situation. It was humiliating to spill the innermost tragedy and secrets of my most intimate relationship to a stranger all because I couldn't trust my H. I was angry and embarrassed to find myself in this ridiculously awful situation, even though the shame and actions were not mine. But, despite all these rather negative emotions, it was worth it. The test results allowed me some much needed calm to really think clearly and productively about my future.

Following the test, I still worried, felt hurt and scared, but also felt hopeful for the future. Betrayal of this magnitude takes a very long time to work through, and the polygraph was just another step along the healing journey. I'm happy to say that I am now 6 years out from the final Dday, and my H and myself, and our M are in a very good place.

Oh jeez, I realized I perhaps t/j your post. I gave you my experience, but failed to answer completely I have heard the voice stress analysis is not as highly valued or accepted as the traditional polygraph.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Apr 2008
grace31513
New Member
Member # 42454
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Thank you all for your input so far. The afternoon after I posted this topic, I was informed that my mom had a major heart attack. She is in ICU right now, sedated and unresponsive, but I know she knows that I am here. I am sitting by her side and we are listening to her favorite radio station.

Anyway, while sitting here, thoughts of my M situation run around it my head and I decided to check the posts.

The need to know the truth is in many times extremely important to the mental health of the BS in the present and the future.

I can really relate to that. My H has not admitted to anything. I tracked him at an Asian Massage Parlor and he tells me he didn't know it was a front for prostitution and that all he got was a massage. Now, do I believe that, no, but I need him to admit it.
I don't think I was unique in not trusting a spouse who had cheated on me, while simultaneously hoping and believing that a true R was desirable and achievable.

If R is possible, then he has to be truthful. He doesn't want to end our M, but a R can't happen without him admitting to what he has done. Some may say that if he were truly remorseful and truly wanted to work on our M, then he would be honest. Maybe you are right. Maybe I don't want to face that right now. Maybe I just have to feel I've done everything I could before throwing away a marriage.

Thanks again for all the input!


Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
Livingalie2014
Member
Member # 42332
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

SeanFLA - is knowing the truth really worse than a living hell? I don't have the whole truth and my instinct is to dig for it. Is it better to know now, later or not at all?


In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life: It goes on - Robert Frost

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Lost
Livingalie2014
Member
Member # 42332
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

SeanFLA - is knowing the truth really worse than a living hell? I don't have the whole truth and my instinct is to dig for it. Is it better to know now, later or not at all?


In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life: It goes on - Robert Frost

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Lost
CrazySad
New Member
Member # 42781
Sad  Posted: 11:57 AM, March 14th (Friday)

WS offered to pay $300 to take polygraph 2 days after D-day. Results were that he was deceptive on all 3 questions I wanted asked. I don't know what to think. I am broken.

He was so angry when I told him the results, which made me believe he didn't lie on the tests. When I caught him on 3/10/14 (D-day), he was quiet and remorseful, admitting to his faults.

He said he is willing to take another one, but we have to use a different examiner. He says why would he waste $300 to lie. He says he is mad because it was a chance for him to prove to me he wasn't lying about what he'd already told me.

What do you all believe in regards to accuracy of polygraphs? I have read a bunch of stuff online (news and journal articles) saying they are not even >80% accurate; court rooms do not accept them in trials; & that they are highly subjective and dependent upon polygraph examiner.

Maybe I am just trying to convince myself he is telling me the truth NOW...


Me: BS (technically fiancÚ), 27
Him: WH (possible SA), 27
Not married, together 9+ years | No kids
Encounters: 100+ w/ escorts, prostitutes that he found online over past 5 years
D-day: 3/10/14
Had no clue
R still on hold

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2014
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, March 14th (Friday)

Well CrazySad, seeing in your profile that your husband has had over 100+ "encounters," I'm afraid I'm going to have to put my faith in the validity of the polygraph test your husband claimed was 'wrong.'

Sending you strength and sorry for the TJ.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1541 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
DragonBunker
Member
Member # 42551
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, March 14th (Friday)

Mine refused to take one! On "moral grounds." Meaning he knew he was a filthy liar and didn't want his lack of morals exposed


Never looking back with longing. Always looking forward with hope.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2014
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, March 14th (Friday)

CrazySad,
Im confused, did you catch him on Marc 10th and THEN have a polygraph which he failed? Or did he do the polygraph, and then you caught him cheating again on March 10th?

If its the former, that you caught him cheating, and then he offered and failed a polygraph 2 days later, what were the questions that were asked?


Posts: 284 | Registered: Feb 2014
CrazySad
New Member
Member # 42781
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, March 14th (Friday)

NeverAgain2013 - Thanks for your input. It is very maddening and saddening, but I appreciate the comments. I would not remember my last disgusting 100 encounters either...

DragonBunker - I mean, I am glad he took the polygraph, but he is not going to get any kudos from me for doing it. I still hate his actions.

ShiningAutumn8 - I caught him 3/10. He got STD tested and we went to meet a therapist 3/11. He offered to take the polygraph 3/12. We got results on 3/13. He told me a lot, but I wanted details. The questions I asked were:

1) Have you had >1 unprotected sex with anyone other than (my name)? <==== He admitted about one instance.

2) Have you ever paid a prostitute more than $150?

3) Have you had sex with someone without having to pay?

Other regular or baseline questions include:
"Between the ages if 18-25 (he is 27), have you ever lied to your family or friends?" ====> He said yes. The examiner says he is supposed to say no because he wasn't supposed to consider this situation, which he had been lying about for 5 years.

"Between the ages of 18-25 (he is 27), have you done something you have been ashamed of?" ====> He said yes, but the examiner said he is supposed to say no because he wasn't supposed to consider this situation, which he is ashamed of.

I'll have to ask him about the others. I think the baseline questions were not well written.

[This message edited by CrazySad at 6:31 PM, March 14th (Friday)]


Me: BS (technically fiancÚ), 27
Him: WH (possible SA), 27
Not married, together 9+ years | No kids
Encounters: 100+ w/ escorts, prostitutes that he found online over past 5 years
D-day: 3/10/14
Had no clue
R still on hold

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2014
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, March 14th (Friday)

I wish people would stop recommending polygraphs. Polygraphs are notorious for false positives. Moreover, there are also easy ways to fool them. AND: people who give honest answers to the 'control' questions are more likely to fail the test than people who lie.

The polygraph is not a scientific instrument. It's used by government agencies as a screening tool to scare people into confessions and to say 'hey, it sucks that our employee was a spy, but we did polygraph him, so we're not to blame.'

Polygraphs don't measure lying and truth. They measure physiological arousal, and they're calibrated to the level of arousal measured when the subject answers a control question such as "have you ever told a lie" with a lie ("no"). That's it.


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 676 | Registered: Nov 2012
CrazySad
New Member
Member # 42781
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, March 15th (Saturday)

ProbableIceCream - I wish I would have read more into polygraphs before allowing WH to spend the $300. The polygraph examiner says they are 98% accurate, but of course he would say that.

It solved nothing for me, unfortunately. I guess I would rather get a "deceptive" result than one that said he had been truthful, but actually wasn't. Thanks for your input. I hope more BS do their research prior to.

However, if your WS is not even willing to do it this as part of your R, then that's not a good sign IMO.

[This message edited by CrazySad at 5:17 AM, March 16th (Sunday)]


Me: BS (technically fiancÚ), 27
Him: WH (possible SA), 27
Not married, together 9+ years | No kids
Encounters: 100+ w/ escorts, prostitutes that he found online over past 5 years
D-day: 3/10/14
Had no clue
R still on hold

Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2014
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, March 16th (Sunday)

I suppose they could be useful as a tactic (parking lot confessions?), but be careful about the false negs/positives.


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 676 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 23