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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: They say we can always remarry.
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Most of you know my story. My sawh is saying all the right things and surprisingly has been treating me quite well. He does things out of the blue like buy me a tshirt when I am not there and continues to ask me to go to counseling, retreautville, couples getaway weekends, etc.

My family was yelling at me today about considering remarrying him after we divorce. They say get all the money from the divorce and if after that, we can always remarry.

I dont care about the money. Actually, if I lived with him, I would have more of my own money.They say he has not and can not change. They said he his manipulating me because the trial is next week and he owes me back child support and an increase.

I want to stay married and move back in to try. They are calling me stupid and say that he will only start beating me.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Why are they saying he will beat you? Has he beat you in the past? If that's the case then yes, I agree with them wholeheartedly. You should never stay with a man who puts his hands on you.

If domestic violence is not part of the equation, then it's really up to you. Only you can decide how many more chances you want to give him. I do urge you to hear them out though. They care about you and may notice things about him that you don't.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 886 | Registered: Mar 2013
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, February 17th (Monday)

say that he will only start beating me.

huh? Has he abusive in the past? If so then I think your family is giving you valid advice. If not, then where the heck is that coming from?

What changes have you seen in him? Is he going to IC? He is saying the right things, but what is he doing? And I don't mean being nice to you, I mean what meaningful things is he doing to heal himself?

Do not cancel court for next week. If after the trial he still seems to be doing the right things and truly seems to be healing himself, then consider R with him. And start small if you do decide to R with him -- do not move back in immediately but attend several sessions of MC with him first.

Good luck


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17621 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Well....
I''m not intimately familiar with your story but I read your profile and your WH sounded like a terrible husband and father who was a SA and emotionally abusive escalating towards physical abuse. I''m not sure what happened in between your last profile update and you wanting to move back in together but it must have been a lot. What have you seen that makes you feel he''s really changed this time as opposed to hoovering? I can see why your family is concerned...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, February 17th (Monday)

He is in Ic. We have beat MC to death. I truly belueve in my heart that we would make it. Also, he was not hitting ne ever before but was emitionally abusive.

The other thing is even if we are divorced next week, the financial piece wont be settled yet.

We have both learned alot in the last 2 years. What we want and don't want. What us important, but our children, etc.

He was not nice to me when I moved out and hey think he is being nice now because of the cs and money.

We did go to mc, he paid, setup the appointments. I stopped it because I didn't like the therapist. We have been to three of them.

He has said he would do things to get closer to me like weekends together and mc. This us what I want.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, February 17th (Monday)

I looked at my post and maybe I was too harsh. The reason I feel your WH was on the verge of full on physical abuse was because you said he was pushing you up the point where you called the police.

I''m honestly a big fan of R. Just not false R. Many times my family has said I can always remarry too because I doubt myself and want my family back. But at the end of the day the Snake has been unable to really express remorse or do anything to show he''s changed.

If you truly think he may have changed maybe let him pay for a retreat and see how it goes. I would not advising just moving back in together as this stage as the children will be hurt and confused if it doesn''t work out


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Just a week ago, you were posting that you had been trying to get this divorce done for 3 years and your WH would do anything to stop it.

What changed?


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25249 | Registered: Aug 2011
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Right, thats because he doesnt want a divorce. I push because this is what my family is asking me to do. It's not really what I want. They say that it's a smart thing to do right now is to continue on with the divorce.

My family says that I will lose all of my leverage if I do anything with the divorce right now. They say that I can't even try to reconcile with him until after the entire settlement agreement is done. This includes just being divorced. Then after that will be the settlement.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Ask for a continuance. I feel like your decision is clouded by the time constraint of "next week." Give yourself some space to think, and him more time to show his true colors. Is a continuance a viable option? They can be granted for illness, conflicts, or at the request of either party. If you both agree to a continuance, then I think it would be the easiest thing to do.

Considering your family's advice... They are trying to protect you. They have a view of the marriage that we don't. If they are "attacking" (yelling) a defensive reaction is normal. But I would encourage you to hear their concerns, especially if they are very very vocal.

You can't wish a WS into recovery. True remorse and a WS who is doing the work will not push for "his way." He will understand your need to be cautious and the need to protect you and your financial situation.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5798 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, February 17th (Monday)

I dragged on my divorce as long as I could. I didn't file for a whole year while XH was cheating on me, somewhat trying to reconcile, and back and forth and so on. My lawyer waited as long as possible before continuing the divorce after I filed because he knew I didn't want to divorce, but he understood as long as XH isn't committing to the marriage, a divorce is best for me.

I got back together with XH after the divorce. We were living our own lives for about 6 months before we got back together. We talked about re-marriage and I thought we were on the right path to last forever. After about a year, I learned that XH had been talking to OW more frequently and recently slept with her (she told me). That was the final straw for me (This was all back in 2010 and earlier).

While your H may be truly remorseful and working to rebuild your marriage, I would still continue your plans to divorce. From what I've heard, reconciling is a very long process. If he really does want to work things out with you, I think he would continue to work things out with you, even though you're divorcing. I don't know. Maybe someone who has reconciled after divorce would be good to talk to?

Is he doing everything that you need him to do for a successful relationship? Do you trust him? Believe him? Is there a chance he is being nice because the divorce will be final soon?

I get how your family is protecting you. Mine is/was the same way. They would have been fuming to find out that I considered remarrying XH. But it's your life to live. Not theirs. They should support you even if they don't agree with your choices.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Continuance is not an option. We stopped the divorce for 6 months to try R for the first tine it was to soon after dday. I love him, I dont trust him like before, but he is not a serial cheater and know he will try his best to become close to me again.

I think he is so low on himself and my family just doesn't see that he did everything for me and that I don't care about the stupid money. He, if anything is going to ask for half of my retirement holdings. I know that he loves me.

Sometimes I wish I gave it more time to file.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, February 17th (Monday)

torn - was the previous poster correct? Was he pushing you?


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15321 | Registered: Jun 2006
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

He put his finger on my shoulder about 3 years ago and was pushing me.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Torn honey, I remember a lot of your posts, and how horrible he was to you. Just the fact that you are here, telling us your family says keep going, and you are not sure tells me as much as you really would like to see things work out, you know it might not be the best thing to stop it.

Do you really think he's not going to revert to former behaviour if you stop the D? This isn't just all a big show to make you stop it?

If he is really, really sincere about changing and wanting to be with you, he will continue on the same path regardless if the D is done or not. Your family wants you to continue because they don't trust him. I think you are questioning it because you at least partially agree with them...you are not sure you can trust him to continue being "good".

Think about it, really, really hard. Continuing the D will protect you financially and otherwise. From some of your most resent posts, I really don't know if he really has changed. I believe it's a show. Maybe I'm wrong...but protect yourself. Finish the D. If he continues to show you afterwards that he has truly changed, you can date him again, but at this point? After all this time? I really think you need to finish it, and if he reverts, you can walk away.

I know it's hard for you. Hugs.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5470 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks so much. I haven't touched the divorce. I just believe in change and have hope. Hope. This is the problem!!!

You know the stories here where the ws moved out with the other person, that scenario is a bit easier. You know they are gone, no confusion, no doubt. ..closure.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I too believe in change and hope. I still have hope that The Arse will change. However his actions say that he hasn''t and my own well being means I need an end to this limbo. A remorseful spouse will be very clearly remorseful in words and actions, they will fight for the M. Mine isn''t. And I have finally come to accept that I cannot save this M on my own. It has taken along time to reach this point. Remember, there truly can be R after divorce if your spouse becomes truly remorseful. Don''t lose hope, but don''t let him manipulate you either.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 965 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Listen to your family honey. He will keep working to get you back, D or no D, if he is for real.

But know you aren't stupid too. Just human, and struggling, and in love. That makes us all pretty blind and weakens our defenses.

I know you want it to work. I just think you have to love yourself enough to put yourself first here.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Gosh I remember posting to others about how we all gave lives without them, about how we need to put ourselves first.

The other thing is my children, they would have so much mire if we were together. I mean my place is so small, I fave the bedrooms ti my kids and I am sleeping on the couch while wh is in our 5 bedroom house. Credit is so bad, cant buy a house. I have coin laundry, it's terrible after over 24 yrs in a house.

I guess they call this bargaining with yourself.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Listen to your family,, they love you, I think your H has used every trick in the book to keep you..and is now being nice.. Tell him you have decided you are going to divorce him any way and I bet in a day or two he'll be emotionally abusive again, because he wants his way. period.

Here is why: My friend didn't know what to do with regards to getting a D. Her H (who wanted to R and stay together), told her to ,,, yes, divorce him if it would help her to clear her head.... He was in therapy and was showing great progress at being a good person..but he was prepared to let her do WHAT SHE FELT WAS BEST FOR HER,,,rather than him decide what was best for her. Do you see the difference?

You can always get back together, but I think he wants to control you. Divorce him, find a counselor you like and I bet in 6 months he is back to the same old tricks.

sorry.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 1:32 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Jan 2012
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

The fact that he is in the house and you are on the couch says it all to me. If he was truly remorseful and was willing to do anything to have your family together, he would reverse that situation.

This is not somebody putting you first.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6581 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Your kids don't need five bedrooms. They don't need a non coin-operated laundry certainly! All they need is your love, and I absolutely know they have it. That is what matters, not house size or material comfort. That is a good lesson for them to learn and will make them stronger and more compassionate as they grow up. I know they will be proud of you, too, once they are at an age to really see your strength and how much you care for them.

Anyway you can just pretend you live in NYC's housing market My (future) kids will be crammed into 900 feet with their parents and a laundry room way down in the building basement! So it's all relative


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
torn2bits
Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, February 21st (Friday)

I talked with him yesterday. He said that divorce papers are a real message to him. He said that the choice is up to me. We either go one way or the other way. He did say that he would put into contract form the other things that I talk to him about going to counseling working on the marriage etc. He also mentioned a scenario where I would be living in the house and we would still have separate finances because we would be divorced.

He has stated that I could move in and it will be OK at any time. Here is the other thing. For me the divorce is going to be much harder and what is the actual benefit that I am receiving from the divorce. For example my financial situation would be much better if I was with him. I do love him I do trust him and he does a lot of other things for me.

This may seem different for others, but for me I am also angry at the fact that I have to come home from work each day and make dinner for my kids. I don't want him to get away with not having to help out in that regard for the next 8 years.

I don't know about anybody else but that really just seems unfair to me that he gets to sit at home well I am at my house cooking for the kids after I get home from work. Like I said I don't know if anyone else feels that way about divorce, but it's kind of like he is getting away with not having to have that responsibility that I have because they live with me the majority of the time.

My sister says he is the one who made the situation. The way that I see the financial situation as well is that I'm getting his pension anyway, I'm getting his money anyway because my costs will be significantly decreased because I won't have to pay rent and utilities. He's going to be paying for all that.Just giving some different scenarios here.I am a planner and looking at the big picture long term.

I am also thinking about my future and what I want out of a marriage. I like to be married. I don't want to be in that situation where I have to not have somebody help me with these children and in the future myself, as I get older. I also don't like the scenario of the blended family.The stage I am in my life, I am not looking for someone who's going to be going out partying. I am just looking for that basic marriage companionship, going on trips together and the daily emotional intimacy.

I see a lot of that now in the dating world of my other single friends that they are just saying that there is junk out there and that they don't have any help with their children and if they wish they would have stayed with their husband.They say noone wants to marry anymore.

[This message edited by torn2bits at 12:29 PM, February 21st (Friday)]


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, February 21st (Friday)

So, lets say you stop the D and move back in with him and play happy family.

What happens when he starts

downloading porn, had a match.com acct. looking for hookups, etc.

or you have to call the police

because he was pushing me.

or

He gets violent and angry.

or he starts

to say things to the kids that are not appropriate.

or he calls

the police on me

or

We go to the store together and he left me there and told me to walk home. I had to take a cab home.

All of these quotes are from your profile. This does not sound like a healthy relationship to me. Saying nice things and buying you a tshirt does not mean he is a changed man. And he is trying to bully you into not getting the D by telling you it is basically telling you it is a deal breaker for him. That is ironic -- he has an A and treats you terribly for years and now says that D will be a "real message". for him.

I predict that if you stop the D and try to R with him, then you will be posting in JFO again in 2-3 years. I hope I am wrong, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and his past behavior is brutal.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17621 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
BrokenDaisy
Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Sounds to me like you're in the bargaining stage. Also that fear of being alone is driving you and not reality of who your WH is. Have you read the fears vs reality thread here in divorce? If not please do.

Others have touched on the important points. All I want to say/add is no amount of help or money makes up for the emotional toll such a relationship has on you. Yes it's unfair that you need to be a single parent. All of this is unfair. It still doesn't make it a good choice to stay with such a man. By all means if he means what he says why can't he do all those things when you're divorced and you have the safety blanket of a settlement agreement already if shit hits the fan?

I see so many red flags and potholes in your posts and I'm concerned and worried for you. I hope you find your way but please don't let the fear of being alone drive your choices. Good luck.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 259 | Registered: Oct 2012
million pieces
Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Why isn't he helping with the kids now?


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1244 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, February 21st (Friday)

what is the actual benefit that I am receiving from the divorce.

Besides not being with a cheater that will disrespect you and possibly give you STDs including HIV?

I do love him I do trust him and he does a lot of other things for me.

Okay.... What did he do to make you trust him? What other things does he do to make those OTHER other things Dreamboat summarized worth it?

You talk about help with childcare. I would also like to know why he isn''t helping?
I''m worried that you are in some kind of BS rugsweeping fog due to fear and grief and that you are going to end up right back here, especially if the divorce is canceled and/or he he is allowed ANY slack on the R plan. Your WH has some serious SA-type issues and will need a lot of therapy. Since you are already separated it seems it would be better for your kids if you made sure he followed through and that R would truly be successful before you move back in together. If you are unwilling to go through with the D now I doubt you will move back out again if he slacks on your R criteria. But if you are withholding R based on his progress he will either follow through or show his true colors.

I definitely understand where you are coming from. I have similar thoughts. But I squash them or at least don''t act on them. I try to stay business like and think of my WH as an investment and his behavior repeatedly shows me I would lose my money all over again if I invited him back into my life without him demonstrating true effort and change beforehand.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 937 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Topic Posts: 26