LastChance4Me - She is not interested in either ( D / R) right now and tells me she doesn't know what she wants. She tells me she loves me, I do love her and we seem to be doing better. We talk every day.
Ah ... only four months out. Not to belittle your accomplishments but you've only just started the journey ... The pain of adultery is still very fresh for the both of you and considering the dynamics of the mad hatter relationship, it will quite some time until you starting make conscious decisions instead of just emotional choices.
The time period for us as individuals to come to term with the pain and hurt of the betrayal varies and until we do, we're on a roller coaster of emotions. Until we integrate this into our heads and hearts, our decisions quite often reflect the emotional roller coaster. We decide yes, no and that's within 5 minutes of each other.
I think that your spouse is right in her observation that she doesn't know what to do .. her heart says stay, her heart says go, her heart says yes, her heart says no ... but its not her heart that decides, its her brain and right now, it gets conflicting signals.
Just give it more time. More time for her to get to that decision and time for her to communicate that to you. In the meantime, simply be supportive, attend IC, fight your own journey to healing.
You can't make her mind up for her, that's something that she needs to do on her own. Concentrate on your own healing after all, regardless of whether she stays or goes, you have to live with yourself.
LastChance4Me - Hard for me to turn to friends because they all are basically supporting her.
All of your mutual friends are supporting her? And why would this matter? You can find support outside your circle of friends. You have IC, your minister or priest, you have SI. You can journal your feelings and thoughts.
Ask yourself the question, were all of your friends FOM (friends of the marriage) before or did some of them know of or even tacitly support either one of you in your decision to have the affairs? If that's the case, then perhaps turning to these friends is not the smoothest move either.
LastChance4Me ... the choice of your name is quite instructive. In your heart, its like you are aware that you only have this last chance to make it right, to heal your relationship. If that is truly the case, then you need to buckle in for a long and bumpy ride.
Hope24 - There are times when your undying belief in yourself has to pull her through. If you give up, she has nothing to cling to. Your hopefulness, your absolute, unwavering determination to be better will help drive her strength when she feels hopeless. It's when she's at her lowest point that she needs your courage the most.
Edited for spellin