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Reconciliation
User Topic: Back to square one. Will be posting on D board soon
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, February 17th (Monday)

So.. After swearing that "this was it. No more places or times" Thru digging I find out a hotel they in fact went to. I confronted. Denied to my face three times then admitted.

Came home and told me there's more but his IC advised him to disclose those facts in MC, which we just started. He has appt to meet her tomorrow ironically.

So add to the sex places;
Ow's parents home
Two of his customers homes
Her sisters home
Building he worked on Sat
An abandoned house. They'd park at cemetery and walk thru
And the best one.... Her classroom. After students left.

Wow. I married one fucked up guy who loved this dirty stuff

He was "afraid to tell me bc he tht is divorce him". Yeah, crack motel was low, but her kindergarten class, even lower.

Reconcile? I'd need a lobotomy first. This man is pure nasty

Oh, I asked if he said hello to my grandmother as he stepped over the graves.

Scum. Pure perverted scum


Posts: 274 | Registered: Dec 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, February 17th (Monday)

(((hugs))) It really is, for most people, the lying, the continued lying and TT, that brings a BS to pack it in and say enough. I''m so sorry. You are WORTH being told the truth!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4691 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I'm really sorry that you have been hit with trickle truth and that even then it wasn't voluntary but the result of your own investigating. These sexual details along with the fact that he actually left the marital bed for two years speak of how involved he really was in this affair. Skan is right, you do deserve the full truth of the last two years of your marriage and I hope he's been man enough to give it to you now so that you can make informed choices about where you go from here. This is another D-Day for you and the clock has been set back to minus zero. It may be a deal breaker for you hmh, but just as at your first D-day you don't have to decide anything today. You're on nobodies time schedule but your own. For today just try to go easy on yourself, eat, drink, and get through the day as best you can. We are all here if you need us. (((Hatemyhusband)))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I'm sick of "I'm sorry"
And "if I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't tell u what I did. I'm fully committed to making this marriage woek@

That's great, buddy. I'm fully committed to protecting my kids from your scumbag decisions and fully commuted to ride about your low life actions.


Posts: 274 | Registered: Dec 2013
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Agree with Skan and sins. Don't make any decisions now. This just happened to me this week, new details, more times than originally disclosed, A continued after DDay 1. Absolute rock bottom for me so far, and it is terrifying to think that there could be more waiting to blow everything up.

Give yourself time to process and BREATHE. It is so hard--I get it.

WTF is with the TT? It is amazing to me how so many WS's do this. I begged my H to tell me everything, to please understand how every new details destroys what little security I had built back for myself, and still...

Every day I live with the fear that something else will come out, but when I start to think about it, what am I afraid of? He still lied and had sex with someone else and told her he loved her. Does it really matter where they did it? How many times they did it? Idk. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. I'm still working on that. So I'd urge you to please just hold on and give yourself time to process the new info. You may find that it is a deal breaker, but maybe not.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 448 | Registered: Jan 2014
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

"if I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't tell u what I did
If he's not telling you what he felt as well as what he did - then he's still not owning it.
I'm fully committed to making this marriage woek
That's a strange choice of words immediately after such devastating tt - if they are his exact words. I would have expected him to say he was committed to you and committed to helping you heal more than just 'committed to the marriage'.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 9:41 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

the cheating may be the biggest betrayal and what killed the marriage but the TT is almost like a shotgun slug to the corpse of the marriage and is what destroys all credibility and trust.

i dont understand the mindset behind the TT either. although some places my WW had sexual activity in hurt me more than others (our car and our bed) and some things hurt more than others (her LTA that she told him she loved versus her ONS guys), etc ... getting told "thats it" over and over and then there is "more" is one of the most destructive things i have ever encountered.

each time it swept my legs out from under me, left me flailing to find out whats "real", completely destroyed the trust she had managed to rebuild, and hurt me again as if the acts had just occured that minute.

it would be "really nice" if a WS just told the freaking truth all at once and without evasions, lies, deception, and omissions.

i am so sorry that you are going through this. i know it hurts and the pain is indescribable. my heart breaks for you!


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 527 | Registered: Jan 2014
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

((((hatemyhusband))))

I hate TT'ing....it is absolute acid to a relationship. The intentionality of it sets it appart from the dreadful initial, slippery-slope that slides into adultery. It is at this point that a WS decisions are direct and intentional....nothing "hidden" about it.

I remember asking my wife over and over and over again if they ever told each other they loved each other....one on one AND in MC session after session.

Not only did I get a "no"....I got a passionate "No, I already answered that...quit asking me questions you already have the answer too!".

.....then I read a passage from an email between them. The truth could no longer be hidden.

I am so sorry for the perverted nature of your husbands affair.

My wife took walks with our family dog....they both wrestled and played with her. She would drop our 2 girls off at school, watch him drop his 5 children off at school...then steal away to be with each other. Unprotected sex, wedding rings still on....

I am not minimzing your husbands activities or the feelings you are feeling. I am telling you I have felt them too.

Adultery is gross, it is distasteful....your husband and my wife ENJOYED the taste. Your husband may have had a larger buffet (more places to have sex) than my wife and her fAP....but they ate at the same buffet....with the same unsatiable hunger to do so.

My wife IS growing and trying to be radically honest with me....but her go-to mode of operation of "conceal and deny feelings" is a part of her yet today.

Gently....it takes time to undo what are probably decades worth of coping skills. My wife is in IC, sounds like your husband is too.

Reconcile? I'd need a lobotomy first. This man is pure nasty

This....this is serious hurt. Hurt that you are feeling that was caused intentionally by your husbands actions. I am convinced that when the soul is in so much pain...anger is a likely tool the mind grabs to protect the soul.

Righteous anger is useful to repel a known threat. A spouses lies are a threat to the M, a threat to R with them.

Adultery was the final straw that kills original marriages.

This recent series of lies may well be the final straw for your journey on R your M.


Since you are a relatively new member on SI, I beleive your husband could just now be coming out of the fog.....my wife was in that for about 4 months after DD#2.

Ultimately, from what I have read, adultery in and of itself does not kill a marriage. The time period afterwards....the time when you observe the actions of the WS as they try and put the "f" in front of that....is where D is chosen.

It is in this time period that you are shown the true colors of the person who committed adultery. If they continue to refrain from seeking their "whys" and filling in the holes in them (holes that made adultery an option in the first place) with marriage-friendly constructive activities....then they are choosing to remain a WS and R is simply not going to happen.....no matter how strong, supportive, or committed a BS is.


Is there any way possible you can just hang on for a bit longer? Say 2 weeks? Go to MC....try and trust the MC knows what they are saying on how to proceed?

Regardless....I am proud of the work you have shown through your posts. They have encouraged me throughout my journey.....in MY times when I felt just like you have posted about feeling here.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:59 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Hatemyhusband -

Good for you. Hate him. Why would you do anything else after all this.

I for one am not a fan of loving a person after they did this to you. Screw 'em. Screw empathy, screw love, screw forgiveness....for as long as you need. I think feeling all these things is very healthy, work through them as they come.

I have never understood how anyone could say they still love their WS after an A. I don't get it. I am not questioning that it is true for many, all I am saying is it does not compute with me.

That all said remember that the only thing that matters here is you. What do you want? I would advise the following -

Get D papers in place now.

Get the money in order now. Understand exactly what will happen if you D.

Let him go to MC by himself or IC if he likes.

You get into IC for you.

Stop talking to him about the A.

Make plans for you. Get a calendar out. Fill it with things you need to do: work, kids stuff, other commitments. The rest of the time should be dedicated to you. What do you want to do? Go out with friends? Start a new sport/hobby? Get busy living your life and separate from your H altogether without leaving the home for now. Do that for a month or so. Be indifferent. DETACH. Fuck him.

After some time away and an emotional break see how you are. During that time off, make a list of things he needs to do to stay M'd. Details are important here as are actions.

He's being an asshat - treat him accordingly. D him without leaving for a while and get your life if order. If you want to leave him after that great. If he decides to march in line, maybe give him another roll of the dice.

Live for you no one else will.

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 10:13 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Had I not had a DD#2 within such a short time of DD#1....I have zero doubt that the numbers of times and the varity of places and the variety of sexual positions and acts would have grown exponentially.

My wife was like a drug addict with regards to her A....could not get enough, stopped at nothing to get it. Consequences? WHO CARES!!!!

I employed righteous anger with her...and then with her fAP. The God-given affect occurred within him......had little affect on my wife. He dumped her....and found another within a couple of months (maybe even had her during, just discoverd by my pastor about 2 months after my first DD)

Wanted to add this to show what "limited" the frequency, perverse, nasty nature of my wifes affair compared to your husbands AND to point out that I was so very hurt that I displayed anger like never before......and it grew to RAGE proportions.

It took months of IC sessions for me to find RAGE...but man did I find it!!!

Honestly....I can't recall you expressing that you had a full on rage-phase....have you? Not anger.....real RAGE.....like silver-back gorilla type of rage?

I am just trying to nudge you to hold back from strong actions at this point.

I know I have no place or right to do this. I know that it is GROSSLY unfair that you are in a position to have to do this if R is going to take place. I know you are in tremendous pain....I am so so sorry for this.

But I also know that you don't want to be that cold, jaded person who loses all hope of a better future. To achieve this goal you will have to feel this pain. I know I am right because I see raw pain still inside my Mom over her D of my Dad 30 years ago...she has not allowed herself to feel the pain she needs to feel to heal. I bet you know jaded divorcee's too.

You are only about 3 months out from DD.....I was in shock for the first 2 months after my DD....wife was totally lost....totally lost during that time period.

This is not a good time to make heavy decisions such as R or D......can you get to a spot of "I am not D or R right now....I just am"?

I had to be there for months before I really had clarity.

Separation an option? I did not do that but, in hindsight, it would have been healthy for me to distance myself more aggressively from my wife....who, at the time, was hell bent on taking infidelity to full on adultery...and damn with the consequences.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:22 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Thank you for your helpful words. It means a lot.

I have been in "limbo" as I like to call it. Not D not R. Just being. Existing. Now the additional info I found out.
I'll exist for a bit longer. I have IC today. MC tomorrow. He called and got an emergency appt.

Bottom line. He states " I withheld this info bc I saw how much rest of info hurt u. I told IC who advised me to tell u during MC. ". (It took me 4 weeks to get in w mc1 and I hates her. Saw her second time 2 weeks after then found new MC last week. We went together. Then he was going alone today)

He lied to my face saying thru never saw each other in public. (They had lunch quite a few times). And the places. Her classroom and my grand moms cemetery. Could it be worse? Already knew my boat. Her house. My house.

Scum scum of the earth.


Posts: 274 | Registered: Dec 2013
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I think that is some bad, bad advice from the IC. I get the concept, but not if it means holding in lies for months. That's insane.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6351 | Registered: Jan 2011
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I withheld this info bc I saw how much rest of info hurt u.
Hmm.. Usually they withhold stuff to save themselves not you.
I told IC who advised me to tell u during MC.
So it's the IC's fault not his. Hmm. Again.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

MC....are just people too.

I am curious as to why this MC feels some truths can ONLY come out in MC.

Seems like if you ask a direct question to your spouse, your spouse should provide a direct answer....even if it is "Can we save that for MC session". If it is too anxiety filled....insist on an emergency MC session.

Do you have confidence in this MC?

If not, find another.

We changed after 12 months.....have not regretted it yet.

Lots of $$$$ but we simply need the guidance. We are improving but are up against a bit of a strange hurdle right now.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3604 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 14