I hate TT'ing....it is absolute acid to a relationship. The intentionality of it sets it appart from the dreadful initial, slippery-slope that slides into adultery. It is at this point that a WS decisions are direct and intentional....nothing "hidden" about it.
I remember asking my wife over and over and over again if they ever told each other they loved each other....one on one AND in MC session after session.
Not only did I get a "no"....I got a passionate "No, I already answered that...quit asking me questions you already have the answer too!".
.....then I read a passage from an email between them. The truth could no longer be hidden.
I am so sorry for the perverted nature of your husbands affair.
My wife took walks with our family dog....they both wrestled and played with her. She would drop our 2 girls off at school, watch him drop his 5 children off at school...then steal away to be with each other. Unprotected sex, wedding rings still on....
I am not minimzing your husbands activities or the feelings you are feeling. I am telling you I have felt them too.
Adultery is gross, it is distasteful....your husband and my wife ENJOYED the taste. Your husband may have had a larger buffet (more places to have sex) than my wife and her fAP....but they ate at the same buffet....with the same unsatiable hunger to do so.
My wife IS growing and trying to be radically honest with me....but her go-to mode of operation of "conceal and deny feelings" is a part of her yet today.
Gently....it takes time to undo what are probably decades worth of coping skills. My wife is in IC, sounds like your husband is too.
Reconcile? I'd need a lobotomy first. This man is pure nasty
This....this is serious hurt. Hurt that you are feeling that was caused intentionally by your husbands actions. I am convinced that when the soul is in so much pain...anger is a likely tool the mind grabs to protect the soul.
Righteous anger is useful to repel a known threat. A spouses lies are a threat to the M, a threat to R with them.
Adultery was the final straw that kills original marriages.
This recent series of lies may well be the final straw for your journey on R your M.
Since you are a relatively new member on SI, I beleive your husband could just now be coming out of the fog.....my wife was in that for about 4 months after DD#2.
Ultimately, from what I have read, adultery in and of itself does not kill a marriage. The time period afterwards....the time when you observe the actions of the WS as they try and put the "f" in front of that....is where D is chosen.
It is in this time period that you are shown the true colors of the person who committed adultery. If they continue to refrain from seeking their "whys" and filling in the holes in them (holes that made adultery an option in the first place) with marriage-friendly constructive activities....then they are choosing to remain a WS and R is simply not going to happen.....no matter how strong, supportive, or committed a BS is.
Is there any way possible you can just hang on for a bit longer? Say 2 weeks? Go to MC....try and trust the MC knows what they are saying on how to proceed?
Regardless....I am proud of the work you have shown through your posts. They have encouraged me throughout my journey.....in MY times when I felt just like you have posted about feeling here.
God be with you.