SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Off Topic
User Topic: adhd/odd child...
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, February 17th (Monday)

*Sigh*

Some days I just want to put my face in my hands and cry.

It's just such an onslaught. It never stops. No combination or form of discipline and/or positive reinforcement has really worked beyond a few days.

My son is almost 7 years old, and ever.single.thing is a fight with him: eating breakfast, getting dressed, getting winter clothes on, doing homework, eating dinner, taking a shower, reading.

If I let him do it on his own, he takes 10x (literally) longer than if I help him, which basically entails me doing it. I told him to go take a shower before bed, and 15 minute later he comes out of the bathroom with his clothes still on asking whether her could use my tablet in the AM.

I have to redirect him back to the activity every three seconds because he's running off, or touching the damn dog, or the cats have knocked over his drink because he wasn't watching them.

Sometimes I'm just so tired, and there's always more to do: dishes, or laundry, or whatever.

I am just mentally exhausted right now. I get irritated, and then I yell (I know, I know) and then I beat myself up for yelling, and then all over again.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, February 17th (Monday)

((((FP)))) It can be relentless, I know. There were days with my ADD/anxiety kids that I thought I would lose my mind. Sending you tons of BTDT strength.

Has he been evaluated? Is he being treated for ADHD?


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25696 | Registered: Aug 2011
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, February 17th (Monday)

FP... I sort of know your pain... While my DS doesn't have these issues, I teach students who do.

I have one student in particular who sounds identical to your son... only difference is he's 13 not 7.

While I'm not a big advocate for medication... I can see where with some children medication is very helpful. Have you had your son evaluated by a Dr with an eye towards possibly using medication to help him.

Here is what I've observed in my 15+ years of teaching children with ADHD and ODD and other disabilities... What frustrates you about his behaviors, frustrates him as well. I have seen children like your son break down into tears because they KNOW that they aren't like everyone else... They KNOW that they should be able to concentrate... They KNOW that they shouldn't always forget stuff, get sidetracked or be disorganized... but they just can't help it.

They want to "be better", "listen better", "do better in school", "be good"... They tell me this. And if you can get past the frustration you're feeling as a parent... You'll probably see it for yourself.

I can understand your frustration completely... I have felt it myself in the classroom.

Behaviorally speaking... You are going to need to be very fair, very consistent and very patient. Consistence is key! Have a very set routine at home for your son. Make a schedule with him and stick to it... don't waiver or change routine without warning unless you absolutely have to. Be consistent in any punishments (consequences) and rewards... Changes may happen very slowly and be microscopic but keep plugging away.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like for more advice or just to vent.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24591 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Yeah, he's on Methylphenidate. He takes one 20 mg time-release in the morning, about 7:30 am before school, and a 5 mg booster at noon at school. It's helped tremendously at school, as his academics and behavior have improved markedly.

At home though....there are some days where it seems like his only mission in life is to do the complete opposite of what I ask him to do. It's little things he intentionally does to troll me, like dragging his towel on the floor behind him after his shower, because then he knows the dog will chase it. I know he's doing it to get a rise out of me, because when he does it he drops the end of the towel on the floor, and then looks at me, and then starts walking by the dog (which is out of his way) to get to his room.

There are a million little things like that, where I can tell that he's 100% trying to get a reaction out of me. I try not to give in, but when it's so relentless...


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, February 17th (Monday)

You are going to need to be very fair, very consistent and very patient. Consistence is key! Have a very set routine at home for your son. Make a schedule with him and stick to it... don't waiver or change routine without warning unless you absolutely have to. Be consistent in any punishments (consequences) and rewards... Changes may happen very slowly and be microscopic but keep plugging away
This is the part that we most struggle with in our house. My wife and I both have jobs that change schedules on a weekly basis. So essentially, no two weeks look the same. Some weeks he doesn't go to a sitter at all, and some weeks he does a few days, and the schedule there is non-existent. At my SIL's house, her 4 and 5 year old are routinely awake at 11:00 pm on a school night.

Something to work on. He was also RX'ed as having several developmental delays, but he began OT/PT/ST really early, like around his third birthday...so he's closed the gap in many of those areas, and is close in others.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, February 17th (Monday)

There are a million little things like that, where I can tell that he's 100% trying to get a reaction out of me. I try not to give in, but when it's so relentless...

This is the absolute worst! My students do the same... and "Planned ignoring" (not giving them a reaction) just never seems to work... they will just keep doing something, anything, to get you to react.

I wish I knew what drove this behavior... I keep researching to try to find out.

I'll let you know if I ever find an answer.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24591 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, February 17th (Monday)

My ADHD/OCD child is 10.5. I'd say around year 8 was the worst. She was driving me crazy, and not to mention that I was going through a separation and so many changes were affecting everyone.

I continued to switch docs/therapists until I found a good fit. I also decided to medicate her and after many different changes, we have settled into a good combination now. This year has been the best that we have had. She takes Zoloft/Strattera and something that helps her sleep/eat better (another anti-depressant). She focuses much better. Although she can drive me crazy when she is nervous or excited/anxious, overall she is much better.

So, I get where you are. It helps that I have 90% custody and a very stable set schedule.

Timers are your friend. Frequent breaks. 15 minutes of homework then 5 minutes of running around, then 15 minutes of homework. they thrive with limits and timers.

hang in there!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4180 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, February 17th (Monday)

This is the absolute worst! My students do the same... and "Planned ignoring" (not giving them a reaction) just never seems to work... they will just keep doing something, anything, to get you to react.
Right! And as is the case with many ADHD kids, they are usually ridiculously intelligent, and so they are clever enough to do things that they can excuse as an accident...
Timers are your friend. Frequent breaks. 15 minutes of homework then 5 minutes of running around, then 15 minutes of homework. they thrive with limits and timers
We stumbled upon the timer thing on our own...the only issue I have with timers is that my son, instead of worrying about what's at hand, spends every two seconds asking how much time he has left. He's always been like that...if he's doing homework right now, he's asking about the babysitter tomorrow...if he is getting on the bus to school, he's wondering about lunch on Saturday. All over the place.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, February 17th (Monday)

FP... they have timers that are good for visual people... that actually shows the count downs in various visual forms...

Check for them in the teacher stores.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24591 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, February 17th (Monday)

He's always been like that...if he's doing homework right now, he's asking about the babysitter tomorrow...if he is getting on the bus to school, he's wondering about lunch on Saturday. All over the place.
Yep - seemingly random connections, no segues, no obviously logical train of thought. It is both fascinating and maddening.

And it does get better. My DS is 20, and he is no longer medicated for ADHD. He functions so much better than even 5 years ago. Hang in there.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25696 | Registered: Aug 2011
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

My DD is almost 4, and I wonder about this exact thing. Her dad has ADD and is on medication for it. I know that 4 is pretty young to expect much focus, but she is on another PLANET when I ask her to do anything. It's so hard to mentally pull her back into the room with me for anything.

Her pediatrician is keeping an eye on it. She has a couple other sensitivity flags, according to ped, like an aversion to being touched that she has had since infancy. The fact that she seems overwhelmed by things ranging from hugs to the texture of blankets and tags on her clothes are pretty significant. It doesn't keep her from socializing but we had to teach her to ask people for space when they insist on a hug she is reluctant to give. She can't have anything touching her in her bed - sheets, stuffed animals... and she can rarely sleep in the same bed with someone. She never wanted to be held... just left alone. She will hug but you can tell she is trying to overcome her discomfort. DD is brilliant and sweet, and perfect just the way she is, but sometimes I lose my cool when she won't listen and I have to remember that she may be avoiding me by compulsion rather than disobedience. She's never experienced anything physically traumatic other than playground bumps and bruises.

I completely get the whole losing your cool and then feeling like crap later. I hope that you and your son get the support you both need to make the day to day things easier.

You're a good dad. You love him and want what's best for him. It sounds like you put your heart and soul into him - don't be so hard on yourself.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:40 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17787 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

The fact that she seems overwhelmed by things ranging from hugs to the texture of blankets and tags on her clothes are pretty significant. It doesn't keep her from socializing but we had to teach her to ask people for space when they insist on a hug she is reluctant to give. She can't have anything touching her in her bed - sheets, stuffed animals... and she can rarely sleep in the same bed with someone. She never wanted to be held... just left alone.
This is interesting. My son is really texture sensitive...clothing tags, especially....but other things as well...certain jacket fabrics.

However, when it comes to personal contact, we have the exact opposite issue. My son climbs into our bed and nestles under my arm every single night. He's a hugger and a kisser, and we have actually had to talk to him about being affectionate with his friends at school and letting them have their personal space.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Note to self - don't get our kids together... Kidding.

Sorry, you gotta try and laugh about it when you can. DD has a fleet of friends who greet her at daycare and she just cringes. The thing is, she's not shy. She's extremely confident. That's why her doc wants to watch. We want to give her every opportunity to feel comfortable with herself and her surroundings, and if she starts to struggle we want to be ready.

It's the most painful, exhausting, amazing, fulfilling job in the world. Take it from NIK - (whose strength and effort towards her kids is nothing short of inspiring) - it's worth the ride.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:27 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17787 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

FP, I have a SN kid and I understand how draining and exhausting it can be. There is not a darn thing wrong with sitting down at the end of those *tough* days and having a good cry.

Something that I started doing a long time ago has *helped*.....I go into his room after he goes to bed and watch him for 10-15 minutes while he's sleeping. (Quietly, of course, so as not to 'wake the beast' ) But I look at his sleeping face and focus on how sweet that face is......and it helps. It helps me remember that he isn't this way *on purpose*, kwim?

Prioritize your chores and maybe consider lowering your standards a bit. Laundry is washed and dried but stays in the dryer or a basket? Oh well. Find low-priority areas to take advantage of in order to mitigate the high-priority areas.

And maybe consider 'letting go' of the *towel-dragging used to incite the dog* thing. My SN kid thinks it's *great* to have me unwrap a granola bar for him so that he can run off with it....the dogs follow in hopes of getting crumbs. That used to drive me totally batty and I wasted a lot of energy 'policing' it until I just gave up. What I am trying to convey is, choose your battles.

And totally pick jrc's brain because she has a lot of experience and insight in dealing with SN kids.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

My nephew has ADHD -- he ended up playing professional football. The endless energy has served him well,,, my sister got him into sports -- the type of sports where you move around ALOT with no sitting, plus the practices 2 nights a week helped, too. She got to sit on the bleachers or in the car for a nap while the coaches had him! She got him into soccer, basketball, karate, wrestling, track, but not all at once! They usually took a season off, but that was when he began "acting up" because he had no focus, no goal, no plan, no outlet. She also got him into band in 5th grade- something about concentrating on the instrument "clicked" and re-routed his brain (is that possible?) She swears by this. It had to be an instrument with a alot of finger movement - the saxaphone. He would have gone crazy on trumpet or trombone, for example.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2202 | Registered: Jan 2012
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

My dd has an aversion and fascination to textures/fabrics too. She has a need to pick, pick, pick, pick, pick. She started picking her skin to bleeding, her bellybutton to bleeding, etc. I still have to keep an eye on her hands. She needs the sensory input. Do you see any wrapping or wanting to be tightly wrapped up? Especially at bedtime, my dd still wraps blankets around her head. Or she will twist her legs together tightly when sitting. They call this a need for "grounding" because they feel like they are floating. Some people use weighted vests, I didn't try them because she found her own way to ground herself. My dd also didn't like to be touched or held or even seemed very attached to me. She is still uncomfortable with being held, she is stiff, but will allow it some. When she was like 2 of 3, I watched all of my friends daughter cling to their legs, and my dd would be the one climbing to the top of the playground. I knew then something was "wrong".

The old diagnosis would be Aspergers, now she is "on the spectrum", but brilliant too. Then combined with ADHD and OCD. And needing sensory input. It was a mess.

Yes, find a timer that sits in front of him so he doesn't bug you. Finding the right medication helped focus my dd. One doc gave up, I switched docs who is well known in the area, and he kept switching until we found the current solution. But, it caused her to lose weight, so we had to correct that. She is still quirky, don't get me wrong, still high energy, still a little "strange" on some days…last week she froze her tongue to a metal pole, then built a real igloo. Her friend were inside ignoring the snow. So, there are plusses and minus. I also make sure she always has a physical outlet. I am about to buy her a trampoline. When she was 2.5-4, she bounced those trampolines with the handles into the ground. I bought at least two of them.

Some things I just let go of (like the towel), and just found what worked best for us. Maturity and medication have helped. Thank goodness.

[This message edited by cmego at 7:17 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4180 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Thanks for the input and kind words, everybody. I really appreciate it. This morning was a little better.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Special ed teacher here...I work with ODD and tons of adhd kids.

Here are some places that I've found success.

Always give choices but they are choices you come up with, not choices he comes up with. And then tell him that you don't care which one he chooses. Example: If you want to play a video game after dinner, then you need to clear the table. If you don't want to play the video game, then I'll clear the table. You can state it in reverse as well...If you clear the table, then you can play your video game. If you don't clear the table then you may not play your video game. He'll test you on it the first few times. They always do...so stick to it, take deep, calm cleansing breaths and continue to repeat your conditions. My experience is the less emotional, frustrated you are - the more likely he will eventually be compliant.

Behaviors that are kinda driving you crazy, like the towel thing...tell him you don't care that the towel is being dragged on the floor, just make sure it gets in the wash because he's not going to want to dry himself with a dirty, wet towel next time. Maybe he decides to defy you on that...well, than he's drying himself off with a nasty towel. That's his choice and make yourself okay with that.

Always think in terms of the consequences of his action being something that directly affects him instead of the consequence is dad getting frustrated and yelling. He most likely gets a payout from 'controlling' you.

I love ODD kids (except for when I want to kill them ). They are tough and these tendencies can make them be great leaders and people who think outside the box if they can learn when it is appropriate to excercise defiance and when it is better to jump through the hoop.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4683 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Kalleigh
Member
Member # 1214
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

my son is 11, he doesnt not have ADD, but what he has is slowness and a very laid back attitude, if I dont push him in the AM he would never get ready on time.


I love my husband and kids, but there is something missing, LIKE MAYBE A LIFE!!!!!!!

Posts: 6507 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: Wisconsin
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

And maybe consider 'letting go' of the *towel-dragging used to incite the dog* thing. My SN kid thinks it's *great* to have me unwrap a granola bar for him so that he can run off with it....the dogs follow in hopes of getting crumbs. That used to drive me totally batty and I wasted a lot of energy 'policing' it until I just gave up. What I am trying to convey is, choose your battles.
Yeah. Honestly, it's not the act that bothers me, it's the fact that it gets our puppy all riled up and nipping at my (naked) son, who then uses the dog as an excuse for why he now cannot possibly get dressed....and he knows this; it's the reason he drags the towel in the first place.
I love ODD kids (except for when I want to kill them ). They are tough and these tendencies can make them be great leaders and people who think outside the box if they can learn when it is appropriate to excercise defiance and when it is better to jump through the hoop.
Yeah, it's such a "different side of the same coin" thing. My son is odd, and weird, and funny, and sassy, and I love all those things.

He has a set of brass ones.

I guess where it really starts to become irksome is when we're on any kind of schedule where we needed to leave *5 minutes ago*, you know? Getting ready for school, to go to the sitter, etc.

Always think in terms of the consequences of his action being something that directly affects him instead of the consequence is dad getting frustrated and yelling. He most likely gets a payout from 'controlling' you.
Oh man. This, ^^^ 1000x.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 10:14 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

((((FAceP))))

I have an ADHD/borderline Aspie, who had some physical devel delays. He has been a challenge from day one. Fussy baby, rebuked any change in routine, and thrived on good routine. At 16, still engages in behaviors that he knows will get a rise out of me. But for the most part is a good kid.

I have found that you have to be consistent consistent consistent with these kids. Now with changing schedules, I get the difficulty in keeping them, when mine were small I worked 12 hour shifts, and had 3 days a week off, talk about difficult to keep things consistent.

He is old enough to understand expectations, and follow through. This is where you and your H have to absolutely work together, and make sure that you do things the same.

He drags the towel? Fine he gets to either, A. Wash all the towels and fold them or B. Not use a towel next time, and drip dry (only recommended in summer). Seriously giving a chore as a consequence is a good thing. I have done this with him, and it does two things, keeps him busy with a task, so he is burning off some of that energy, and teaches a consequence to an action that has been forbidden.

Chore Charts were our friend as well.
Checklist of what he needed to do each day, and very simple stuff, get dressed, brush your teeth, tie your shoes, eat breakfast.
I also found giving time warnings helped. "you have 5 minutes to get dressed" Are you dressed you only have 2 minutes left" and so forth. It takes being very on top of them, until the habits get built.

If it seems like you are struggling more than usual, it may be time for a drug change. I found everytime he had a significant growth spurt, we had to switch up meds.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a day where it is all just too much. Those are the days that you tell the family I'm going for a walk, and then you go and walk hard and fast, and sing at the top of your lungs, and when you get home you feel so much better.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I guess where it really starts to become irksome is when we're on any kind of schedule where we needed to leave *5 minutes ago*, you know? Getting ready for school, to go to the sitter, etc.

Ahh yes....this is always fun. My SOs boys (twins 10)both have challenges in this area. One is ADHD and the other mildly autistic with some other developmental delays. I always tell them the deadline to be in the car is 10 minutes prior to leaving. If they make it there is often some sort of reward. Stopping at the park, getting a cookie at the store. I don't tell them its a reward for being on time. They just sort of associate it with getting in the car on time. It just happens...sometimes but not always. It never happens if we are late.

One time, one of the boys got in the car late and with out shoes. We were on our way to the park (small neighborhood park) I left him sitting in the car sobbing while the other kids played for 30 minutes. He was hysterical. Sobbing and wailing. I sat in the car and watched the other boys play while he did this. Boy did that hit home for both of those boys. They do not mess around with getting out the door on time and properly dressed. Direct and meaningful consequences are key.

Another thing that I use sometimes is too much of a good thing. You want to play that video game and do it when you're not supposed to. Fine. That is the only game you're going to play for the next 3 months. No TV. No internet. Just that video game. Enjoy. Its really fun for them for few days...then they want to watch sponge bob or something equally awful. "nope. sorry. just that game you wanted"


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8459 | Registered: Apr 2008
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

And totally pick jrc's brain because she has a lot of experience and insight in dealing with SN kids.

But don't pick it too hard... sometimes it bleeds!

But seriously... You're getting a lot of good advice and you can contact me anytime.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24591 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

However, when it comes to personal contact, we have the exact opposite issue. My son climbs into our bed and nestles under my arm every single night. He's a hugger and a kisser, and we have actually had to talk to him about being affectionate with his friends at school and letting them have their personal space.
Just wanted to point out, FP, that this can also be a sensory thing. I call my DD a heat-seeking missile - she craves physical contact. Always leaning, touching, cuddling, hugging, etc. When she was younger, she always wanted me to stroke her hair, rub her back... Very tactile.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25696 | Registered: Aug 2011
Flourgirl
Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

When my DD now 11 was 4 she was diagnosed OCD. I was at my wits end trying to handle her fits. It was hard I felt it was from having my DS 23 months apart from her. It wasn't it was genetic. She was diagnosed ADD last year at her teachers request I had her tested. I was shocked she didn't have the hyper piece so it is often missed. She doesn't like to be touched and as a baby hated being held and rocked. She is still very tactile. This is the first I've heard of a correlation. It makes sense to me now. Thanks everyone for sharing the knowledge. My DS 9 was tested for IQ he was off the charts smart but 50% in attention span. The dr said most likely he also has ADD and might need to be medicated later. Glad I read this thread!


BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I have a SN son who is almost 12.

Have you had your son tested to see if he an central auditory processing disorder? Just a thought.

My son's occupational therapist has worked amazingly with my son to improve his memory recall.

Lists are also my son's best friend. I have a board in his room with a list of the things he has to each morning listed and what he needs to do each night. He ticks them off as he goes. For some people a photo/picture list might be better suited.

If I give him more then one instruction at a time he fails every. single. time. It's frustrating and painful! But it is what has to happen to be successful. He is improving as he gets older but ages 5-10 were the worst.

For example - go have a shower. Break it into steps, go get your pjs out, put pjs in the bathroom, go take your clothes off, run the shower, step in the shower, put soap on the wash cloth, wash your body, etc. Step by step is what works. I have now trained my son using this process it has taken many years but I can now say to him go have a shower and he knows what he has to do

My son is still very disorganised but he is learning every day to improve this. But absolutely pick your battles.

Goodluck.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1358 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks, everybody.

I love this place!


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I'd like to offer a suggestion regarding the towel dragging/puppy teasing.

Is the pup crate trained?
Can you just put him in his crate (or in a closed bedroom) until after bath time?
It changes the dynamic a bit.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6520 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

t/j to flourgirl

She doesn't like to be touched and as a baby hated being held and rocked

^^^THIS was so hard for me to wrap my brain around as a new mother. Most parents can relate to each other's kids' quirks - you know, eating issues, sleeping issues.... so I couldn't believe that every time I tried to tell someone that my infant didn't like being held they looked at me like I was insane. It was a scary feeling - I thought I was doing something wrong. She would scream and cry and twist in my arms when I tried to hold or rock her. I'd lay her in bed and she'd zonk right out. Every time. If I tried a sleep sack she'd howl - and forget loose fitting pj's. OMG feety PJ's? You'd think they were electrified.

Nope, feetless, snug pants and a snug t-shirt, no stuffed animals or blankets in the bed, and she'd sleep soundly for 11 hours.

I think that something that has really benefitted our dynamic is me learning to let go of my expectations about how I think I'm supposed to "love" my daughter. We meet each other now. I'm gentle with her and know her needs for hugs, bathing, sitting on the couch, bedtime etc. In turn I can see her try to give hugs because she knows I ask for them sometimes. She takes a big breath, squinches her eyes, and puts her arms around my neck. For a sec. I always let her be in charge of the hugs.

She's so brave - I hope I can teach her that she doesn't have to go mainstream and behave like other kids to fit in. She is kind and smart. I have hope that everything else will be manageable as we work together.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17787 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
TrulyReconciled
Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

an aversion to being touched that she has had since infancy. The fact that she seems overwhelmed by things ranging from hugs to the texture of blankets and tags on her clothes are pretty significant.

SID or SPD now - Sensory Integration/Processing Disorder:

http://www.spdfoundation.net/about-sensory-processing-disorder.html

Seems often comorbid with ADHD/OCD/ODD

I married into an 'alphabet' family ...

[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 12:29 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21264 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
stroppy_wanadoo
Member
Member # 11224
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

This has been a very educational thread! Thanks so much FP for posting it, and thanks to all who have responded.

I have no great words of advice, but I can relate to SO MUCH. So many things to consider and implement in our house with DS9 - Aspie/ADHD/OCD. Totally relate.


Posts: 1036 | Registered: Jul 2006
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

an aversion to being touched that she has had since infancy. The fact that she seems overwhelmed by things ranging from hugs to the texture of blankets and tags on her clothes are pretty significant.

My son was this way as an infant as well.
He didnt/couldnt nurse (which was heartbreaking). He still dislikes hugs to this day. Even the way he holds a pen/pencil is "odd" in that he tries to have as little contact with the pen as possible.

@Jrazz - it was really hard when he was younger, but though it isn't perfect, my DS has grown into a sweet, caring young man with a ton of friends. Most people find him EXTREMELY charming and wouldn't know right off the bat that he's a SN young man. It is only as you talk with him more and observe his mannerisms over longer stretches of time that you can see some of the quirks.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6520 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

DD seems to work at being ok with touch. She adores her aunt and will allow her to be close for longer periods than anyone else in the world.

Looking through all her pictures, you can see in so many how she's having a good time, but very tense when in close contact. Thanks for the link, TR. We are lucky that this does not really affect her functionality at all. She finds her own way to participate most of the time.

Oh, another interesting thing is that she has issues with certain types of sounds. You could pop a balloon near her and she would slowly turn her head with barely any interest or fear. Dog barking? No problem. BUT - if there's a lasting, consistent sound, she starts to get really upset and the sound either needs to stop or we have to get away from it. Soft, loud, it doesn't matter. Something about the duration and consistency is unsettling for her. She loves music, but it has to change constantly. If there's one note played over and over I watch her body still, and she will ask for me to make it stop.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17787 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Oh, and if anyone with an infant who doesn't like to be held is reading this, we found out a little later in the game that she really enjoyed her Bumbo. That way she didn't feel overwhelmed by touch. I think the cool, smooth surface was comforting. I also think she thought this seat was her mommy for a few months. (Always put on floors - never on a table or chair or raised surface.)


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17787 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Oh, another interesting thing is that she has issues with certain types of sounds. You could pop a balloon near her and she would slowly turn her head with barely any interest or fear. Dog barking? No problem. BUT - if there's a lasting, consistent sound, she starts to get really upset and the sound either needs to stop or we have to get away from it. Soft, loud, it doesn't matter. Something about the duration and consistency is unsettling for her. She loves music, but it has to change constantly. If there's one note played over and over I watch her body still, and she will ask for me to make it stop.
My son also is not a huge fan of noise, thought that's lessened as he's aged. He still doesn't like some noises, but it's mostly confined to the same stuff none of us like: babies crying, tornado sirens, fire sirens, etc.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Oh how I relate to this.
an ave
rsion to being touched that she has had since infancy. The fact that she seems overwhelmed by things ranging from hugs to the texture of blankets and tags on her clothes are pretty significant.

My son was this way as an infant as well.
He didnt/couldnt nurse (which was heartbreaking). He still dislikes hugs to this day. Even the way he holds a pen/pencil is "odd" in that he tries to have as little contact with the pen as possible.

My son was like this he loved to be papoosed but hated being held an snuggled It was so hard coming from a family where it was considered abnormal to not be constantly touching and hugging. We figured it out though. And when he was sick he really didn't want anyone to hold him. He would actually put himself to bed and sleep until he was well. Still does but thank god he loves to hug now an at 6'2" it's wonderful.

Even my DD had issues with being snuggled. Still isn't a big hugger, except when she is sick. And if you tried to papoose that baby she would wiggle, rootch, and fight to get her hands free and as soon as they were out she would go sound asleep. Lol.
My mom thought I had the weirdest kids ever I'm just happy that we were smart enough to not fight hat they needed to feel good.

Oh and the bumbo we didn't have those but my aspie boy loved his walker and I think it was for the same reason. Allowed him to be upright and engaged without the need of being held.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 8:26 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Our son is 11 and it's still a fight every night. I have discussed it with his doc (who I like a lot) and basically it's about accepting that this is how life is going to be until he's a teenager and developing coping mechanisms and strategies for us to deal with it.

Unfortunately that doesn't make it any less exhausting.

If you haven't been there, check out additudemag.com, it has a lot of useful resources and suggestions. Though it's soul-draining to look at the long list of shit to try and realize you've already gone down through almost all of them.

He will take over an hour to wash face and hands, get changed and brush teeth - with clothes provided. Unless I stand there and count at him. I don't want to do that, I want him to do it on his own - but the fact is, he is not capable, even though his little brother will get all of that done and a bunch of other shit besides, in five minutes.

It's really just a hard road that is going to go on for a long time. I wish I was better at it, myself.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7469 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

My little ADHDemon (jokingly, of course)

[This message edited by FacePunched at 10:04 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

He's beautiful.
(Which is probably a good thing, otherwise most parents would eat their young, LOL!)


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6520 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

He will take over an hour to wash face and hands, get changed and brush teeth - with clothes provided. Unless I stand there and count at him. I don't want to do that, I want him to do it on his own - but the fact is, he is not capable, even though his little brother will get all of that done and a bunch of other shit besides, in five minutes.
Right. And for me the mental struggle is always, "Well, he'll never learn if I always help him." vs. "It cannot take an hour to do this. It's just not acceptable."


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

What a cutie pie!


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17787 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

FP -- about that 2nd pic? What the heck is going on in the background????


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Gonna-

I didn't see that at first glance. I'm not really sure. At first I thought it may have been me stretching on the floor or something, until I realized it was me who took the photo.

My second guess is that it's my 26-year old brother....we just got a new puppy, he might have been visiting and playing with him.

Otherwise? Aliens. Always aliens.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Oy.

My DS6 just got diagnosed with "moderate to severe" ADHD. I see a lot of the behaviors you all describe.

He tells me he hates school and cries when he has homework (things he didn't finish in class because as the difficulty of the work increases, so too does his frustration). He cried and wanted to transfer/quit school when he had to address his own valentine's cards recently. In kindergarten.

Basic tasks take him inordinately long periods of time to complete unless I stand over him (which makes my routines longer because I'm having to stand there micromanaging him in order to get him to do his stuff). I've lost my temper too many times to count.

He's had issues with social skills in school, so we start social skills training/behavior therapy in a week.

He's always been very tactile. As a baby, he would ONLY sleep if I was holding him. I'd put him down in his crib totally zonked and as SOON as he hit that mattress his eyes would pop back open and he'd cry. As he got older, he'd sit right.up.next to me on the couch and rub my arms while we watched tv. He STILL rubs my arms. Drives me bonkers sometimes.

He's always had an aversion to loud noises. Dislikes certain clothing tags but I've alleviated this by buying mostly tagless stuff.

Idk. It's been a struggle. But he's SO sweet and caring. He's really a kindhearted child. He cried from watching a cartoon one time when something bad happened to a character. He even has empathy for the villains at times. And he's so crazy smart- he actually amazes me sometimes with the things he knows.

It really helps to know I'm not alone here. Thanks for this thread.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 9:33 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Feb 2010
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Otherwise? Aliens. Always aliens.

He's adorable, FP.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25696 | Registered: Aug 2011
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

He tells me he hates school and cries when he has homework (things he didn't finish in class because as the difficulty of the work increases, so too does his frustration). He cried and wanted to transfer/quit school when he had to address his own valentine's cards recently. In kindergarten.

This is why I finally caved on medication for our son. Watching him get off the bus crying every day, because he was ashamed of not being able to finish his work or pay attention.

Now he is in 5th grade and loves math and likes his teacher. Homework is a fucking trial and I punch the sky and cheer whenever he comes home without it, but he has been great in school.

FWIW I once sent back a package of unfinished work after it came home for the dozenth time or so, accumulating pages, with a note that said "If this comes home again I will burn it in effigy." That was like 3rd grade or so though.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7469 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Abby are you doing meds with him? I would seriously consider it if not. If you are and things aren't changing, and you should see immediate changes, this stuff isn't like antidepressants, where it has to build the effect is pretty much seen within an hour or two, he needs to try something different.

There are several books about ADHD and treatment, and in two different ones I read they indicate if you have only tried one med, you are probably not treating your child as best as you can, in other words, we all react differently to meds, and it's ok to try several to find which has the least side effects, and the most benefit.

I can remember crying and struggling to get my homework done, back in my day there were no extended release meds, and my mom refused to give an afternoon does, so by the time I got home I was bonkers, Not a good way to learn multiplication times tables, and so forth....

Please do yourself and him a favor and get him into a typing class in summer school, or get him a program to learn how. This was a lifesaver for my son. His handwriting is still nearly illegible, and his brain goes way faster than his hand can. Typing he can keep up, and he does all major writing assignments, and projects on the computer since he was in first grade. He learned typing by a computer program we had in KG that was a game, to help them learn basic skills and our district had a summer school program that offered a basics to computers class where he learned to type proficiently.

These kids like mine, and like I was, don't have a ton of friends, and are usually not part of the cool kid crowd, but I can tell you the friends they make are great ones, and they stick together through thick and thin, and stay friends for life.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, February 21st (Friday)

tushnurse- we just got the dx one day last week. He has a behavioral therapy/social skills training next Thurs. I'm supposed to be setting up a consult with an OT (for fine motor skills delays) and with his pediatrician to talk about tx options. I don't want to rush to meds, but from the research I've done, the accepted tx standard is medication, and there is evidence to support that. There is not much evidence to support behavioral therapies alone. From what I understand, the most effective tx is combined meds and behavior therapy.

I'm also in the process of moving out of my mom's house so I'm a bit frazzled right now. I'm kinda having to put the ADHD stuff in the background until I get settled into my new place and then we'll go from there I guess.


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Feb 2010
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Behaviorally speaking... You are going to need to be very fair, very consistent and very patient. Consistence is key! Have a very set routine at home for your son. Make a schedule with him and stick to it... don't waiver or change routine without warning unless you absolutely have to. Be consistent in any punishments (consequences) and rewards... Changes may happen very slowly and be microscopic but keep plugging away.

This ^^^
But also, sports or structured physical activities like martial arts helped. DSS was in football and track. It helped tremendously.
When he was about 8, he would come running to me for his next chore. Before I could even tell him what it was, he was off and running to go "do" the chore. He would come back laughing and a little sheepish. His was THAT bad. We never had to medicate him because of the above advice and sports, though. My friend's child was in martial arts and that helped too!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2325 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)

Medication changed our world. I have a slightly different situation is that my ADHD combined/OCD kid is a girl…and the symptoms manifest differently. She is also considered "on the spectrum".

It took a lot of convincing to try the meds (ex fought me…), and at least two years to get the right combination. But, now that she is "stable", she is doing really well. Straight A's.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4180 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 50