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User Topic: How do you know you are being a good parent?
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Concerned  Posted: 9:57 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Okay.....so I always said before I had kids...that IF and WHEN I had children...that they wouldn't be spoiled....or brats....or misbehaved.....and boyyyyy did God have another plan for me! I think he heard my mom when she secretly wished my kids acted like me FOR me...

I'm just a little concerned lately.

My daughter started daycare a couple of weeks ago...and I've noticed lately, when I go to pick her up....she acts out. She runs from me when I go to put her coat on...like its a game. She points to her coat...like she knows its hers...and then she runs away. She flails her legs out when I try to pick her up to carry her to the car..... she won't hold my hand walking to the car so I have to either hold her arm or pick up a struggling child like some sort of child abductor.

But, the odd part is.... she is an ANGEL for EVERYONE but me. EVERYONE!!!!! Why is this?? Am I doing something wrong? Should I be doing something different. Today she acted so horribly that when we got home, I just sat down on the livingroom floor while dinner was cooking and held out my arms and asked for hugs....and it took her a minute...but she finally came to me and buried her head in my lap and cuddled with me. But, she played hard to get. It kinda hurt my feelings.

I don't want her to feel neglected and I know that I've been packing and painting and preparing for the big move this weekend. I just hope she doesn't feel like I'm not there for her. Once this is overwith I will give her more much needed attention.

I just don't know how I should react to her tantrums. When she throws her legs out or screams in the carseat....I try to act nonchalant and not give her a a response and hook her in and ignore her lashing out. I don't want her to think a reaction will get a reaction out of me. But, I've noticed that she only acts this way with me. But, why??? What am I doing wrong??


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, February 17th (Monday)

I am not a parent, but I know a LOT of kids. most of the good children are bad with the parents and a sweetheart with everyone else. I think you are doing it right.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Thank you....

Its the funniest thing. When I go to pick her up...she acts all excited to see me when they hand her over to me....and then when we go to get ready to leave....its like she flips a switch like "Its show time!" And VOILA! Time to show off!!!! ARGH!!! I hate it! The teachers act like its so odd she acts like that...because I KNOW she doesn't act like that all day....until she is with me. I don't want to spoil her (in a bad way where she ends up being a brat). But, I'm a single first-time mom.....so this whole parenting thing is new to me....and I'm doing the best I can. I know that she is getting all of my love...which makes it hard not to spoil her. I vowed to always make sure she knows and feels she is loved. Always. That she can always count on me. Sometimes I feel like I really have to spread myself thin being a single mom but it is always worth it. She is worth everything I do. I love her so much.

I guess when she acts like that when I go to pick her up...it hurts my feelings....like she isn't happy to see me. But I know she is when she sees me....but then she acts the opposite. I just don't understand children I guess....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:38 PM, February 17th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
TattoodChinaDoll
Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, February 17th (Monday)

According to my 2 year old's teacher, she stays quiet all day and plays. This is the same kid who I have video of getting completely naked last night, running around the living room, and screaming, "shake my booty! Shake my booty!" This is the kid who thinks it is hil.ar.ri.ous. to slide head first off the couch onto the floor. When she is with me she doesn't stop talking. You just described any toddler out there. Yeah some kids don't do that stuff. My oldest was and still is very well behaved. Kids at that age do stuff like that because they are learning about boundaries. Some are a little more emotionally immature, too. There was not a single red flag in what you wrote.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 10 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 8, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

I'm getting out of here.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, February 17th (Monday)

Maybe she's just letting loose. Like she's been on her best behavior away from home and now she feels free to let the wild child loose. Lucky you.

She knows you will love her unconditionally and she can be
all parts of herself with you.



DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 481 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Midwest
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, February 17th (Monday)

So normal.

My nephew, who is 20 now & the nicest person you'll ever meet, was always an easy, good kid. But my sister said he had a meltdown nearly every day after daycare. Like he had been good all day and he had to blow off steam. My kid just runs around and acts insane after school. She's feistier than my nephew ever was though.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6543 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, February 17th (Monday)

most of the good children are bad with the parents and a sweetheart with everyone else

Ooh, if this is the case I have the best kid in the UNIVERSE!!

I actually asked DD if she was going to start to be a better listener when she turned 4, and she told me "Not really so much, but I will listen to Auntie."

Oy.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16420 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
gettherefromhere
Member
Member # 22932
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, February 17th (Monday)

I take care of my grandkids 3 days a week. They are angels until mom or dad arrive to take them home. They start yelling and running and racing away from anyone trying to put shoes or coats on their bodies. They are 6 and 2. I think they are excited to see mom and dad and just have to check out boundaries as they transition from one caretaker to another. Piper sounds normal to me.

My youngest daughter never fussed when i dropped her off at daycare. She cried when i picked her up. Sigh. She is now 20 and we have a great relationship....no damage done. Hang in there!


Posts: 500 | Registered: Feb 2009
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I don't have kids, but that sounds like completely normal toddler behavior.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2178 | Registered: Feb 2010
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

She acts sad when I drop her off usually in the mornings....sometimes she doesn't fuss about it.... but in the afternoon is when she acts up. It probably is normal and I know we have a strong bond since I'm a single mom and he is not in her life. Its just us girls!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
monarchwings
Member
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Totally normal behavior in my opinion for her age and due to the new transition. Remember she has never been around this many children and she may be showing off. Be prepared to wait her out as it sounds like she enjoys the attention of the chase. Feel free to turn your back on her and engage in a discussion about her day, a new art project on the wall, introducing your self to other parents.

Your great news for the day. She's normal and so are you!


Posts: 92 | Registered: Jul 2013
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Completely normal if you look at that behaviour when taken into context with her behaviour throughout the day.

As long as you have strong boundaries and don't change where they lie then I wouldn't worry as she is probably just letting off some steam after a long day at school. (Think that lovely longed for glass of wine after a tough day at work- she is too young to drink so just lets off steam by running around and acting up for mommy.

As long as you try to ignore the tantrums as much as possible and praise the good behaviours then this behaviour shouldn't escalate beyond what it currently is.

FWIW- My dad said that if I could get my kid to adulthood; look at her and think she was a reasonably happy and normal human being.... then I had done my job right.

He said anything beyond that would just put pressure on me to be a perfect parent and no such thing existed.

My DD is popular; kind, gentle, very generous and happy and healthy. She doesn't like to go out getting drunk or doing drugs or having random sex so I think I can safely pat myself on the back and say I did ok considering she endured the fallout from her parents who were affected by a LTA.

Yeah- she did good. Yours will too as long as she knows you love her and it is her behaviours that you sometimes don't like (but you never stop loving her as she is always loved as a person)

PLUS- the fact you are concerned enough to ask the question tells me you care enough about her which should automatically point to the fact you are probably already a great parent.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Thank you. She had me worried yesterday. I put her in the carseat and as soon as I got into the car she started crying out of the blue! She didn't stop for about 5 minutes or so.... and I couldn't figure out for the life of me what was wrong. That's why I cuddled with her and spent time in the floor with her when I got home. She is still too young to tell me what is wrong so I have to figure it out on my own. But, I think she was just stress relieving like you all said. She was fine once I pulled into our driveway...


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Normal normal normal.....

I had one that would have a complete come apart everyday when I dropped him off, did this for months and months. But would stop and have a great time after about 5 minutes. Was great all day, and sometimes didn't want to go home at the end of the day.

Sometimes when they are adjusting to change they often get overstimulated, esp when you go from not being around any kids all day to being with them all day. She probably enjoys it, but may also have a tough time venting her frustrations with people she doesn't have that safe/trusting bond she has with you.

A few things to try is a distraction when you pick her up, try a snack or drink that she enjoys, and redirect her when she starts to get squirrely.
Let he do it and see if it just resolves on its own, but make sure you give her the extra cuddles when you do get home.

You do need to set firm boundaries on the running away when it's time to put the coat on. Try scooping her up first, then getting the coat and going outside her class, then putting it on.

My DD when through a phase where she didn't want to be in her car seat, she would scream like she was hurt, and do the whole arching back routine when getting put in. I tried several things from telling her no to redirection, the thing that finally worked, and this sounds nuts....Was turning on the music first, then putting her in. It was like she had to be able to sing then she didn't care. (This is my songbird by the way). She was about 18-20 months old when we went through that.

Oh and only doing it for you, yup normal. Mine are 14 and 16 and still are only jackasses for me.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

The fact that you show so much concern for her well being shows me that you are a good mom!

After having 2 kids, I've realized that tantrums are just part of the course. I have one who has anxiety issues and she keeps all her strong emotions for me and her dad. I take it as her being more comfortable showing us her true feelings. Sure it's stressful, but I'm happy she feels she can be truthful with us. I try not to react strongly when she's having a meltdown, but I don't ignore her either. I usually am just present and tell her I'm there if she needs a hug. I don't want her to learn that emotions are bad, as I did growing up, but also want her to learn healthy ways of dealing. It's a delicate balance for sure.


"I move slow and steady, but I feel like a waterfall."

Posts: 616 | Registered: Mar 2013
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

She's not even two and probably lacks the language skills necessary to tell you all the awesome stuff she did, how much she missed you, how tired she is...etc.
So, instead you get the chase, the kicking, the tantrum, the screaming in the carseat.

Also, if you are stressed with something (moving, packing, whatever) she is picking up on that.

Keep calm and parent on, Shelly


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4554 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Shelly I do daycare. This is so completely normal and typical that I don't think you should be concerned or over think it at all.
I seriously can not tell you how many kids are perfectly behaved for me all day and then have a total meltdown or throw their shoes or start whining the second their parents come. Why? Because it works and they can. It really is no indication of your parenting, it's just what they do.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 43972 | Registered: Sep 2006
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Keep calm and parent on, Shelly

I like that! Will do!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Oh, the toddler tricks. I had a runner, too. The key is to be ahead of them. So if you know she's gonna bolt, try to come up with an alternant plan ahead of time. With my son, I would say "wait silly! We can't run until you put on your coat and then we can race to the car!" And then it was "can you hold my hand so I don't get lost on the way to the car? Can you find the car for me?" Any sort of engaging activities like that can keep them distracted. Eventually my son would get his coat on quickly so we could being our race.

When she's a little older, you can give up on the coat. Best move I ever made, lol. Stop fighting over the freaking coat. They aren't going to die in 2 minutes outside when it's 40 degrees.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

My grandmother used to call some kids house devils and street angels. Raised one myself. But it sounds like your little angel is just letting off steam...


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I was one step ahead of her today.....I shut the classroom door when I went to get her coat and since she couldn't run out the door, she just ran around that room from me.....laughing. Its a game to her. She seemed more playful today though.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2710 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

As the others have said, she acts out with you because she's completely confident about your love and reliability. So don't worry that she's behaving this way. The daycare folks should know this, FYI.

Now, just because it's a sign that you're a good mom, doesn't mean you have to put up with it! I'd say have a little "leaving daycare" ritual -- to help her make the transition. Like, say goodbye to the teacher, kiss the teddy bears, touch the cabinet door (kids are weird!), then we go. At that point, firmly say, now it's time to go home and eat dinner/read stories/give the kitty her kisses. Something that she can look forward to and that is also a coming home ritual.

And when that doesn't work, give one warning. When that doesn't work, pick her up and walk out, strap her in the car seat, and drive home. You're bigger than her, and you're the mom -- you make the decisions. Lol, one time I hauled my son to daycare stark naked, handed kid and clothes to the teacher, gave him a kiss and said Bye! (Then sat in my car and cried, I'm not an ogre!). Getting out in the morning was lots easier after that!

And if you screw it up, cut yourself some slack. Parenthood is not for cowards!


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 841 | Registered: Sep 2012
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

100% normal for her age


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11538 | Registered: Dec 2009
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Completely normal.

They will normally test the one they love the most. Just be careful not to reward the bad behaviour or it will continue. Kids love any sort of attention good or bad.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 24