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User Topic: He won't confess
fay72
New Member
Member # 42496
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

So here's my story.
I have been with my partner for 22 years.We are both 47 and have two teenage daughters.

About two months ago a friend told me she had seen him at a concert without me.She wasn't sure exactly who was with as there was a lot of people.As he had never mentioned the concert to me I started spying on his computer and his private bank account.I can't access his phone as it's always in his pocket or turned off and he's changed the password.......

Anyway it appears that there a two other women in his life. The first one OW(m) he works with.She is 25.They see each other socially ,concerts,cinema and I suspect they often have lunch together. I confronted him about her,saying that he had been seen at the concert and he says they are just friends and nothing but I'm not so sure....He continues to see her out of work and doesn't tell me despite the fact that I told him lying to me only makes me more suspicious.

The second one OW(p) is 22.She lives in a city an hour away by train hour.I found an e mail to her with a link to a hotel saying"here is our room my princess"He often goes to this city to work and I found credit card bills for clothes,jewerelly restaurants etc.IAs I didn't want him to know that I had been spying I told him that I had received a phone call from her about the hotel and what did it mean.Of course he denied everything.

Since then we have several discussions about this.Each time I try to make him confess.He won't.I tell him I want to change things between us, that I want to improve our relationship,that I want to move forward with him.I tell him that I love him but if he continues lying to me and if he continues seeing her we can't have a future together.He is still seeing her .I know because last week he had to work abroad with a male colleague.The flight arrived late at night.He told me he was staying at a hotel at the airport but I found an e mail to the colleague saying he would spend the night at friend's house.

He tells me loves me (which I believe) and he is trying to reassure me sending lots of messages etc doing things together.But he refuses to make love.

I feel so lost,confused, sad.I'm not angry.I just cry all the time.
How can we go forward if he won't confess and he continues to see her?

Thank you for your help


Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry.

I was not the best at "healthy procedure" in the beginning, so I will leave that for someone else to address.

But here are some (((hugs))).


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Quite honestly Fay, the man is disrespecting you right to your face, and you're really not doing anything to deter it.

You've let him know you're willing to try to move forward even though he's acting like a letch chasing after young 20-somethings.

Simply, he won't confess because he doesn't have to. You've basically told him you'll wait around for him even though you're not pleased he has girlfriends.

Therefore, there's zero incentive for him to become a decent person. You're right there waiting no matter what he does.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Simply, he won't confess because he doesn't have to. You've basically told him you'll wait around for him even though you're not pleased he has girlfriends.

Plain and simple. You are his Plan B. He knows you aren't going anywhere....right now you know it too.

Easy here, but your husband has no respect for you right now. If he did he wouldn't be slutting around with twenty-something year old women. Having no sex with you is a good thing right now...no STDs. Personally I don't know why that is a worry to you at this moment anyhow. Until you put your foot down and show him you aren't afraid to leave the marriage, sadly nothing is going to change. Many of us have made that mistake. You can either listen and learn from us, or move on in your unproductive ways with him. My suggestion is tell him this right away. The calmer you are when saying it, the more effect it will have:

"Look I know you are having sex with several young women behind my back and trying to hide it from me. I've tolerated enough. I do love you but I'm done with this disrespect. In fact, I may just be done with you anyhow. You have one of two choices here. One, get your head out of your ass and commit to this marriage and your children OR two, I will proceed with my lawyer and start the divorce process. If you choose the second alternative you will move out. I will hit you hard for financial support because you have two underage minors. I will not be discussing this any further. You have 24 hours to make your decision."

Then walk away. No arguing, no crying, no begging, no further discussions. Let him believe you have already retained counsel. Then go right to your bank and open an account in your OWN name only. Transfer 50% of your savings into it. These are actions he will notice and most likely take you very seriously. It's all about posturing here. Many times this action will shock a WS back to the marriage when they know they are backed against the wall. If he refuses to change his ways immediately, you have to follow through with your threats. If you don't he will continue not to respect you.

If he comes back and agrees, then you set your boundaries. HE has to get into IC to see why he feels this is acceptable behavior. He has to be totally transparent to you. That meaning for instance no cell phone passcodes. Anytime you want his phone he gives it to you to go through. You will monitor all spending habits of him, etc. But for now one step at a time. But you also need to get tested for STDs right away. You have no idea how long this has been going on. Your children need a stable parent right now.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 9:37 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Ultimatum - polygraph or get out. I hate it when they are caught but still hang on to their " innocence".


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 617 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Aceofbase
Member
Member # 42458
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

You need to show him some proof and tell him that you know. Do not show all sources or you may not be able to verify his story later.

He is still in the fog. He is letting his emotions determine what he is doing. You are the safe person the other women are the emotional high.

Until he understands that he can't have both you and the other women he will deny and lie.


DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R

Happiness is a choice.


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: USA
naivegirl
Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I wouldn't even try to get him to confess. I would tell him you already know everything and you are not going to tolerate the lies. Read up on the 180. Why does he think it is okay for him to do these things secretly with other women even if they are just friends? ( which I don't believe for a minute) I know it is hard to realize in the midst of things but you deserve so much better than this. Find your strength. Think about those teens. How would you want them to act in a relationship? What do you think they should tolerate from a significant other. Model that for them. Hugs!


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1744 | Registered: Apr 2007
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I would go ahead and move 1/2 of the money out of savings before you have any other discussions with him..I would do this immediately..

And then do everything else possible so you don't feel like you are stuck to this marriage..

That is when the motivation and momentum will happen to get this cheating douche bag out of your life..

Either he will change ( and not behave like a cheating douche bag) or you have the means and the courage to leave him..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:18 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1269 | Registered: Nov 2011
fay72
New Member
Member # 42496
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Thank you for your replies

I'm so scared I'm shaking as I write this.But I know you are right.I need to find the courage to do this.......


Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
fay72
New Member
Member # 42496
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I'vee just had a look at our joint bank account.It's empty.......

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Sending you some strength today!

What SEANFLA said is SPOT ON.

I would follow this advice to a T! Couldn't have said it better myself!

At this point you need to stop worrying about him and do what is best for you, and your children. He is not respecting you, and you are allowing him to think these actions are ok, and that you will be waiting for him. This is NOT ok, and you deserve more.

What would you tell your children to do if they were in this situation?


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Breezy150
Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry, make an appointment with a lawyer, consultations are usually free. You need to know where you stand legally. It's just for information, doesn't mean you will get a D.
Complete honesty is the most important part of a successful R, so he needs to man up and give you that.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Can you see where the money went? Was is simply withdrawn or has he used it for purchases? I would call my attorney right now. This shit stops TODAY! The prick took ALL the money! He is showing you exactly the type of man he is; believe him! Now go see that attorney and show him you are no man's second choice.

[This message edited by TheClimb at 10:41 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I'vee just had a look at our joint bank account.It's empty.......

Honey, I'm gonna say this as gently as I know how.
Right now, you need to put aside your feelings, as hard as that may be you HAVE to do this right now. You need to go into damage control. You don't have time to go into shock. You really don't right now.
You need to stop all credit cards, and move half of ANY money in any savings, etc. You may want to look into borrowing on insurance policies. You MUST see an Attorney ASAP and file for AT LEAST LS if not D. You can always stop this later.
He has taken ALL of the money. He is moving fast to leave you.
Don't worry about a confession right now....that is the LEAST of your problems.
Keep an eye on that life insurance or he will cancel it without you knowing or change the beneficiary without you knowing (depending on your state, some states won't allow him to without your signature).
Put a keylogger on his phone, if you can, and on all computers in the house.
You can be sad, angry, and cry later. If you don't do the damage control now, you won't be able to later.
I'm SOOOO sorry. This in my books makes me think he is a monster.
You CAN do this. YOU CAN. But you must act fast!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2336 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

What StillLivin said x 10,000


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

You need to show him some proof and tell him that you know.

You do not need to prove anything to him. You know, he knows. It is not inquation that he is having multiple A and using your family resources to pay for them. I like SeanFLA's advice, but after reading he has taken all the joint account money, you need to take steps to protect yourself. Separate and protect your money.

Talk with some attorneys and select one you are comfortable with to see what you can do and our options.

He tells me loves me (which I believe) and he is trying to reassure me sending lots of messages etc doing things together.But he refuses to make love.

No, he does not love you or even like you right now. People do not lie to and betray people that they love.

You no longer need to talk to your WH, you need to protect yourself and your children.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4139 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

How can we go forward if he won't confess and he continues to see her?

You as a couple, don't move forward. You as a person, do.

He is not in the M anymore. He is cheating with at least one of these women and in an EA/eventual if not already PA with the other. So there is no joint, married couple as you have grown to expect. He is doing his own thing without respect for you plus spending marital funds.

Right now, you know the truth. You don't need his confession. So go see a lawyer and protect yourself. Especially financially!!!

Show him you are strong. BE strong. Maybe he'll wake up but the only option for you is to take his actions for what they really mean, which is an end of the M.

You deserve so much more than this treatment. And his midlife crisis is deeply pathetic.

[This message edited by norabird at 11:10 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
kalimata
Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Fay,

So sorry you are here. First of all, I would stop pleading and sobbing to your POS husband. Minimize all communication to the bare essentials. Let him know that you are STRONG and more than capable of moving on without him. If you quiver and panic, he will see that. SHOW HIM STRENGTH AND HE WILL FALL LIKE A STACK OF CARDS.

Other advice:

1) Expose expose expose. You have not exposed at all. This is the single most powerful weapon that you have to stop this foolish behavior by your WH. Expose to everyone who he is close to (friends, family, religious leaders). Expose to your two teenage daughters (in age appropriate language). NEVER LIE to your kids, they probably know more than you think. Expose all in one shot to avoid trickling it over several days/weeks.
2) Do either of the OW have husbands or BFs? If so EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE. If not then expose to their close friends that they are sleeping with a married man. Post these sluts on cheaterville.com
3) You mention that OW #1 works with your WH. Is he their supervisor? If so then you may have grounds to get him fired. Check with your lawyer first before exposing to the HR dept in his company.
4) Once you expose, then go dark for a few days. Ignore all of his messages, texts, etc. He will panic and probably come begging back. If he doesn't then head right to the lawyer and file for D.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
MailServer
Member
Member # 40502
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I have been with my partner for 22 years.

Fay, just a simple question. Does partner = husband?


BS/Me (58)
WH (58) 3 years behind my back. EA & PA
OW (57) Old high school friend
1 Adult Child
DDay: August 26 2012
5 Ddays since then.
The 5th was a total Nuclear Meltdown
Reconciling. Sort of. It's not him. It's me.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: East of the Grape Vine
kalimata
Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Fay,

Since your A-hole of a husband decided to move the money out, here are some tricks of your own you do to inflict pain:

1) Call up the number on the back of each of his credit cards. Tell them you are his wife and your husband lost his wallet. Give them his account #. Before hanging up, ask them to mail the new CC to a new PO box that you setup.

2) For his own 'private' banking account: if you know his username, attempt to login to this account enough times using fake passwords. Once you fail login enough times, the account will be locked.

3) Secretly take the ATM card out of his wallet and cut it up.

4) Call the major credit reporting agencies and tell them that your husband recently was the target of a credit theft. It will put out alerts for him and prevent him from opening up new credit card accounts.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
fay72
New Member
Member # 42496
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I am so confused.I don't feel strong at all.I just feel so weak and stupid and naive.

We are not married.I am financially dependent on him although i do have a small regular income.

When I said he works with OWm I should have said she works for him.He is her boss.And OWp was on a work experience at his company


Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Follow StillLiving's advice. You need to protect yourself and your two teenaged daughters. There is no time to lose~your partner has decided to move forward and has taken action to do so.

Retain legal counsel. Your partner has already started the process. You need to be moving quickly.

Information is power. Start gathering all financial information regarding your assets(house purchase documentation, mortgage statements, bank account statements (savings and chequing), retirement savings, income tax returns, vehicle purchase statements). If you own any investments such as income property or a business, get the financial statements. Documentation has a funny way of disappearing and you will need this information to establish the basis for child support and perhaps spousal support and an equitable division of assets.

Also gather all information relating to liabilities and debts such as credit cards, lines of credit and vehicle purchase. Your partner has already emptied the joint account, you do not want him incurring debt that you may later be responsible for. He is already using martial funds to provide for his OW (hotels, clothing, jewellry, restaurants), this stops today. Ask your lawyer to run a credit check on your partner. If he has applied for a secret credit card, it will show up. It is also possible to do this yourself online. Equifax does a good credit history check.

If you do not have your own bank account, open one today. You need a place to put your money and any other assets that you may have. Apply for your own credit card for emergencies.

With all due respect, I would suggest not engaging in your tricks against your husband. Do not file a false report of credit card theft, or lie to the credit card company. These tactics have a way of backfiring. You do not want to give your partner any ammunition to use against you, Talk to your lawyer.

Sending your strength, dignity and grace. Take care of yourself and your daughters.



BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 388 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

How much was supposed to be in the account? When did he empty the account? If you're on it, you should be able to see the history of the account.

Right now, you need to freeze anything with your name on it - credit card accounts, etc. Stop him from using ANYTHING with your name on it. If you know the name of the hotel he and 'princess' like to stay at, call them and cancel any upcoming reservations under his name. Do NOT pay for one more thing for him.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

A 'work experience'? Is that the same as an internship?

Tell him if he doesn't return the money in the account, you will have no problem letting the 'right' people know of him abusing his position of authority and enticing young women to sleep with him.

His is in a very dangerous spot. Being their supervisor he's set himself up nicely to be sued, and to lose every ounce of professional credibility he's ever had. He's basically handed that to each of these girls. He's given them the tools to destroy his life, as well as your life and the lives of your children.

If I were you, I'd start looking at what you can legally force him to pay for you, and for how long.

Regarding changing insurance, if you aren't married, odds are he can change the beneficiary without informing you, or requiring your consent. I'm sorry - but legally your 22 years isn't going to add up to much, not in most countries anyway. The children are where you'll be able to affect him and the income you now depend upon.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

We are not married.I am financially dependent on him although i do have a small regular income.

Oh boy I'm sure this changes the game immensely here. A confession is the least of your worries right now believe me. At this point it isn't going to make any difference. I didn't realize you weren't legally married. Given that marriage is a LEGALLY binding agreement, I don't know how that would play out with the law other than he will have to support the children. I guess I never understood why people place themselves in these types of long term relationships, have children, homes, finances but refuse to get legally married. All you are going on all this time is his word with nothing to back you up in the eyes of the law. But that's hindsight now. I've never been through this so a dissolution of marriage is obviously not a factor here.

I would still follow through with my first advice to end the A. And add to that conversation you want to know where funds went and demand they are placed back in there immediately. If he cannot you need to consult some legal advice with regards to your children. They come first here. Seems to me you knew about these affairs for a while now? The shock should be wearing to the point where you should be able to level yourself. You need to begin to find a way to become nonindependent on him financially. And not tomorrow, next week or next month...NOW. Read my tagline. We've ll been through it and it can be done.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

I didn't realize you weren't married either.
There are some things, i.e. cancel a credit card, that you can do legally as a wife that you cannot as a live in girlfriend.
fay72, you do NOT have time to break down. You have children depending on you to be strong.
Still go see a lawyer. Take your name off of every card you are an authorized user on. Cancel any cards that you cannot take your name off of.
Honey, we were all weak, stupid, and naïve. It's called being blindsided and betrayed by someone you NEVER would have done this too.
You can have as many breakdowns as you want once you get your ducks in a row. Honest, we will be here to give you moral support then. Right now, PLEASE take our advice (that applies).
Take any and all money out of any other accounts he hasn't touched that has your name on it and put it in an account with only your name on it. Get a PO box and have your mail forwarded there for a while. Go through your papers and grab ANY important documents, make copies, leave the copies only in the house and take all originals to a safe place where he can't get to them.
As you are not M, you are not protected by life insurance. However, you can petition for him to get separate life insurance where your daughters are the beneficiaries.
Still see that L for legal advice on what you DO have a right to as a live in girlfriend.
Start disengaging YESTERDAY!!!!!
You don't tell him ANYTHING that doesn't apply to the children. Since you aren't M I wouldn't even tell him about finances and bills unless it is to get money from him. If you have mutual investments, see what you can do to liquidate them or transfer them into a Roth IRA or something with ONLY your name on it. If there is life insurance, see if you can borrow on it.
He is NOT your friend right now. That man is gone. He left a long time ago, but he wore a mask. You must treat him as if aliens have abducted your boyfriend/partner.
When all of this is done, THEN you can break down. Protect yourself and your children first.
Hugs, prayers, and strength!!!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2336 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

AND HEFTY BAG HIS SHIT!!!! Put at the edge of the front lawn. Do NOT let him see YOU weak. You can cry and breakdown inside your home.
Change the locks and alarm code!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2336 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
MailServer
Member
Member # 40502
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

One more thing to add to StillLivin's advice. Please check your OWN credit report. Make sure he hasn't opened anything in your name and running up large balances.

Keep updating. Am concerned for you. You have a wealth of help here.


BS/Me (58)
WH (58) 3 years behind my back. EA & PA
OW (57) Old high school friend
1 Adult Child
DDay: August 26 2012
5 Ddays since then.
The 5th was a total Nuclear Meltdown
Reconciling. Sort of. It's not him. It's me.

Posts: 87 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: East of the Grape Vine
fay72
New Member
Member # 42496
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Ok so I'm up to my neck in it.I feel so distressed and I'm panicking now.I've had my doubts for two months.For two months I've not slept not eaten and cried everyday.I am starting to get to a more level headed stage but I feel so fragile.This sounds so pathectic but I really do love him and want a future with him.In one of our many. conversations he promised he would never leave me and I believe him.Please don't judge me for being so weak

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Oh honey. I don't judge you. I get it. You love him.

but, it is still over. The future is gone. He will never change. He just won't.

He will not take care of you.

So, YOU have to take care of you. If someone did this to your friend, or sister, or daughter, what would you say? Try to step back and be objective.

You have to protect yourself. You have to take him out of your life.

I don't know any of the rules of common law marriage, but it might protect you depending on how long you've been together. A lawyer can tell you.

We know you are hurting. But HE is hurting you and you are still clinging to him. You know that saying, insanity is doing the same things and expecting a new result? That's where you are right now. You have to get strong.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

conversations he promised he would never leave me and I believe him.

And did he promise to always take care of you? How is taking all the money out of the account take care of you?
I know you want to believe him, but better to be safe than sorry down the road. Your children are depending on you.
Mine promised to never leave me. He even M me under a covenant M so I would believe he would never leave me. We talked for YEARS about how we both could never be with someone else after being M for so long. Then he entered a 3 year LTA. He started emotionally abusing me.
I'm betting the other 40,000+ members here had spouses that told them they would never leave them either. See where this is going. None of us thought we had the strength. None of us believed the person we thought we knew better than anybody else in the world would stab us repeatedly in the back. I would have hit someone in the face if they had tried to tell me my H was going to cheat on me and disrespect me.
You are stronger than you know. Hell it took strength just to find SI.
fay72, your story is NOT unique. Please, peruse the other forums, especially the rest of JFO and S/D. When you see how everyone's story mimics each other, you will see what we see. We all see your boyfriend's behavior and know what he is doing. Stick around this site long enough. You will too.
Read the healing library. Ask the veteran's, Nature_Girl, inconnu, SBB, hell anybody here with a member number smaller than my own.
This sounds so pathectic but I really do love him and want a future with him

I really still do love my cheatinass STBXH, but I'll fuck him over in a heart beat if he tried this crap on me. Hell, I am becoming the queen of NC because he stepped past my line in the sand and now it is just too late. NOT a day goes by that I didn't wish he had done the work on himself and fixed his shit. But I can wish all day long and a nickel...guess where that will get me.
He is going to screw you over if you don't act. You can always R if HE does the work to fix himself. Right now, looks to the rest of us that he is cutting his losses and running.
I and others loved our WSs all the way to the L offices and we loved them when we signed on the dotted lines. I STILL love mine, but I'm not letting anyone do the shit he did to me and just lay down and take it. I am nobody's floor mat.
Repeat that mantra. Stand in front of a mirror and say the magic words about 10X, then wash, rinse, and repeat...
"I am nobody's floor mat!!!"
Then get MOVING and ACTING. You will regret not getting your ducks in a row.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2336 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
StillPositive
New Member
Member # 42321
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Fay72....
I'm so sorry you have to be here... But you can't be weak right now. You have to do you! He doesn't care for or respect you. He wants to control you.
Take control of your life back. We all know it's not easy. Hell, it took me almost 10 months to let it go and do me!!!! But, you don't have to wait that long.
Do a complete 180, like these posts have shown you how to do. He will not see it coming. Just do it! Then you can cry later when you have time.
The fact that you are here shows you have strength. It took some strength to tell your story. Keep getting stronger one day at a time.


Me 41: BS
Her 29: WS
4 children between us
Together 6 yrs: Married 19 months
EA/PA 15 months
OP 51: married with 4 children, close in age to my wife.
D Day#1 3/13/13
D Day#2 9/28/13
NC Letter 2/17/14

Hardship is a pathway to peace...


Posts: 33 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: West Coast
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

fay72,

No judging you for being weak from me. I was the same. It took me months after dday to understand why I felt like I still loved FWW after her betrayal and lies. It was not her I loved, but what I had lost.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4139 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
fay72
New Member
Member # 42496
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

ok so I have given him the ultimatum.I decided to follow sean fla's advice.I've told him to get out.Tried to be very cool and detached about it.
He's sending me messages.I've told him that as long as he's seeing other women I will have no furthur contact with him.
I've told him i will expose him to everyone ,kids,family work colleagues.I will also tell the OW about the OW.
I feel like I'm having a breakdown but at least I didn't cry in front of him.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

fay, you are alot stronger than you think!

Kudos to you for not tolerating his sh*t!

You have taken the first step, please make an appt. with an attorney asap!

Detach, detach, detach. DO NOT respond to his messages! It will be difficult, but you need to show him you are taking control.

((((fay72)))


Posts: 7599 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
kalimata
Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

FAY:

DO NOT WARN HIM ABOUT THE EXPOSURES, JUST DO IT. Warning him will just give him time to damage control.

JUST EXPOSE NOW!!!!!!!!! DON'T WAIT ANY LONGER


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
mainlyinpain
Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Yay Fay! You go girl!
When reading your post yesterday I was thinking of telling you to tell both OW about each other. Just blow his fantasy world right out of the water.
Yes, detach detach detach.
It's all about you now and your girls. You will be your own champion and your own protector. Dig deep. It's there.
Have you seen a lawyer?
Hugs to you.


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Apr 2013
seriouslylostit
Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Did you ask him where the money went??? What are you doing regarding the financial situation?

Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Fay, so glad you found your backbone! Keep ramming it back in if it falls out. And yes figure out the joint account money situation any way you can!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Shutup  Posted: 9:03 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

this marriage is over--find out about the bank account first,without a fight ask him calmy what happened to the $$--then without him knowing go consult a lawyer---it sounds like he has been planning a move--this man does not have to confess ,everything he is doing ,he is doing with your blessings---he does not care about you---men do not have female friends they go out with---they go out with their wives--he is so disrespectful to you and you allow him to do it----that is why he is doing these things because you allow him to walk all over you----you need to be careful,stop the fights or arguments you already know the story----plan your moves---hire a private detective---use his credit card---tell him anything to get the money---go to the bank and find out what happened-----PLAN YOUR EXIT VERY CAREFULLY <YOUR HUSBAND IS VERY DEVIOUS

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

FAY PLEASE LISTEN TO ALL HERE_____DO NOT TELL HIM HOW YOU ARE GOING TO PROTECT YOURSELF_____HE IS LYING TO YOU___TELLLS YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR_______WHERE IS THE MONEY___NEVER MIND ABOUT THE AFFAIRS___DO YOU REALLY THINK HE IS GOING TO STOP___OF COURSE HE IS GOING TO SAY NO____DO NOT SAY ANYMORE UNTIL YOU SEE THE $$$$$ AND YOU CAN USE IT___PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE JUST CONCENTRATE ON THAT____TELL HIM 1-THE MONEY BACK IN THE ACCOUNT-2-I AM LEAVING SINCE YOU DO NOT WANT ME AND YOU WANT YOUR GIRLFRIEND------HE IS GOING TO PROMISE YOU THE STARS AND THAT IS YOUR CARD RIGHT THERE____AFTER YOU HAVE ACCESS TO THE $$$ THEN DO THE REST_____LAWYER<DOCTOR____PLEASE LISTEN YOU ARE IN DANGER FROM THAT DICK HEAD____YOU SAY YOU love him but how can you love a man who has such little respect for you and your well being----not having sex with you should tell you what type of abuser he is-----he likes young girls---be careful you have daughters----BE ALERT AND DO NOT LEAVE YOUR GIRLS ALONE WITH HIM

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I feel like I'm having a breakdown but at least I didn't cry in front of him.

Sounds like you are doing exactly like you should. Do whatever you have to do to hold in your emotions around him. Then when you leave let them go...whether it's in the car, the basement or in a treehouse. Drive out to an empty country road and let it out there if you have to. But NEVER in front of him. You want to go dark on him emotionally. Believe me he will respect you very quickly.

As you can see staying cool and calm is causing him to probably panic more than you know. Sounds like he's sending you texts, but you didn't say what they involved. Continue to act detached, like you are calmly scolding a 7th grader to clean his room or he loses his XBox privleges. But don't raise your voice. Hopefully you will see him begin to emerge from this fog when he becomes the one to see what he's losing.

And keep repeating this to yourself..."I must be willing to lose this in order to save this."


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Topic Posts: 42