User Topic: WW B-day soon, need advice
Member # 41912
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

My WW b-day is on Feb,26. I have told her I want a D and that I have seen a lawyer. valentines was simple I was not going to get her anything.

Her B-day is on the 26th I will not buy her anything but have struggle with the thought of atleast getting her a card. I used to get a blank card ever year and write words from my heart in it. obviously this would just say happy b-day.

Things have been pretty civil even after I told my WW I want a D and I do not want things to get nasty.

Any and all advice would and is appreciated.


The saddest thing about betrayal is it never comes from your enemies

If your searching for that one person that will change your life, look in the mirror.

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ontario
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I don't see any harm in getting her a card. You are doing the right thing by trying to keep it civil. My ex and I stayed as civil as we could. But then he left me everything and didn't touch a dime in our savings and asked for no equity in the house.

BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

You don't have to buy her anything. You don't even have to acknowledge her birthday. Your getting a D so best to start that detachment process now.

I will say that if you have kids and I see in your profile you have a young son then going forward you may want to give your son money to buy a gift for Mom on special occasions because your child WILL want to get something for Mom. Better yet have son make something for her.

I don't recognize any "special" days with my STBXWW. My kids are 8 and 6 so I pay for something THEY pick out for their Mother or I let them make something. As for me I don't recognize anything with my STBXWW unless it's about the kids. Finances were settled in the D process. And yes I have a good coparenting relationship with my EX.

ETA: If things are going to get nasty during the D process they are going to get nasty. Whether you recognize her birthday or not won't be the cause of the nastiness. If she wants it to get nasty she will find or make up all kinds of reasons for things to get nasty. If you are still unsure and feel the need to get something then get a card and sign your son's name to it. So your son gave her the birthday card not you.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:44 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Don't you DARE buy her a card! There's "not getting nasty", and then there's "unnecessarily kissing her ass and feeding her ego kibbles". If you have children and would like them to get her a card and gift, then fine, but coming from you? No way.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3416 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I'd pass on getting her a care. Have you son make her one.

"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I'm on the fence, have you started D proceedings? Is there any way you would R? If you are ambivalent, get a general B-day card and sign it from you and have your son sign it also. That way it's not special from you.

Just mho.

Are you doing the 180 fully? If not, please do so. Crickets, crickets, crickets!!

[This message edited by BAB61 at 11:47 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I wouldn't. It will make the rest of detaching easier.

I would say happy birthday if you see her, that's about the most if do.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I am in the "dont do it" crowd.

you made yourself clear on V-day that you would not be getting her things. It's no longer your 'job' to get her cards for her birthday.

If you ahve kids, then help your kids out, but otherwise, nadda.

There's "not getting nasty", and then there's "unnecessarily kissing her ass and feeding her ego kibbles".

I think that this has another point as well. There are now new bounderies with her that you will need to start enforcing within yourself and between the two of you.

Buying her a card right now is going over your boundery.

Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

What wonderpets suggested.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 37089
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I think as parents its important to instill in our kids to think of others, especially doing thoughtful things for their parent. Even if divorced. I would give your son a few dollars and let him get her whatever it is HE chooses from HIM without your input other than a financial limit. I would not get anything from you though. Perhaps just say happy birthday, DS has something he wanted to get for you from him... or whatever. No extra effort on your part. She fired you from that remember?

Me:BW, 34/Him:BH, 34/ 3 boys, 5,8,12
4ddays, now Divorced
We are not in Kansas anymore

Posts: 304 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: NC
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I'd help your kids make her something simple or help them pick out a card from them to her.

Other than that, WS would get nada from me.
Time to detach!

Just because you're skipping giving her a card doesn't mean your being uncivil (or mean). Being less than civil would be getting a card and filling it with dog crap or writing something derogatory about her. Silence, however, is golden.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 4:24 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.

Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I agree I wouldn't get a card.

I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 326 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Come on. Get her a card? Really? Why can't it be civil without getting her a card? Divorce is war. Is war civil? I am sorry but it is time to detach brother. Buy the hot chick at the grocery store a card now. Just my opinion. Sorry.

"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 684 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Member # 41912
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Thank you all for Everything, I think it would be a lot easier if I were not still living in the same house.

I believe I will take my son out and have him choose something for mom and have him make a card.

Once again thank you for all of your wisdom.

The saddest thing about betrayal is it never comes from your enemies

If your searching for that one person that will change your life, look in the mirror.

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ontario
Topic Posts: 14