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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Where does the WS move to during D proceedings?
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I'm just curious about this. If I told WH I want him to move out while going through the LS/D process...I can't even imagine where he would go that wouldn't cost US $$$$.

My MIL lives right next door, so that isn't a good option for us.

Just wondered how all of that works.

Plus, if he isn't living here, when does he come and pack his stuff?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Where he moves is not your concern. Step away from the codependency, Nekorb!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9687 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

who cares where he goes? I kicked the ex out and it was 2 or three weeks before he found his apartment. To this day I have no idea where he went.

It's up to him to find a place. Not your responsibility.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2589 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Where he moves is not your concern.
This.
Repeat after me:
STBXH is no longer my friend.
STBXH does NOT have my best interests in mind.
STBXH is no longer my problem.

Repeat until it sticks.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6445 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

What Naturegirl said. Not your problem. They are smart enough to hide and facilitate an A. They aren't helpless children. He will figure it out. Your job is to figure out what you are going to do going forward.

Remember concerning your WH, there is no more "US". It's just YOU now.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Not your responsibility! He'll figure it out. As far as his stuff, also not your problem.

In my situation, I did not want him back in the house (for safety reasons) so I put all his things outside in the garage and texted him to pick them up. He was told that anything left would be donated or trashed. It was a lot of sweaty work for me to take all his shit out BUT it felt goooood. I don't think I could have handled watching him take his things out of the home.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2012
movingforward777
Member
Member # 6850
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)

My ex slept on friend's couches after he left....it's really not your problem where he goes, but it is your problem while he stays in the same house making your life miserable.
If the relationship is done, tell him it's time to get out! Why should you continue to provide a home for him, let him come and go as he pleases, doing whatever he pleases, and have your life be in limbo? You don't have to...start the proceedings, tell him it's time to get out, get the lawyer to draw up paperwork to provide for you and your kids, and move on!!!!!


You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.......Louise Smith

Posts: 4841 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Ontario
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I know it isn't my responsibility. But if he stays somewhere that costs money that will come out of our joint accounts. Kwim? He is the sole provider in our household.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

When I kicked him out, he went and stayed with his parents for a while, but then they told him to get out a month later. He rented a dummy apartment, but then stayed with the OW every night. After a few months, he gave up the dummy apartment that he was pretending to live in, and moved in with the OW.

The day I kicked him out, I changed the locks. I was going to be damned if he was going to go "shopping" at my house. I got a storage unit and threw all his shit in that, and when I was ready, I gave him the key to it.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 12:14 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3352 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
roughroadahead
Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

As everyone has said already, not your problem. Do you work at all? Have you filed? Typically, during the support calculation process, the court will assume you can work full time at minimum wage. More if you have education and experience.

If you have not filed, please go now and open your own bank account. You can move whatever you want out of your joint account into your own account if you have not filed, but for the sake of being reasonable, move half. If you have filed, you are likely subject to a financial restraining order, so consult your L about moving money around.

If you haven't filed, file immediately and include a motion for a temporary support order. Local rules vary as to whether this can be filed concurrently or if you have to wait for the divorce to be filed first. You will need to document your expenses and income for that paperwork, so start assembling that information now.

Once you have your own account and a support order, what he does no longer matters even financially. You have your budget to work with, and how he spends his money once your support is paid is irrelevant. He will have to find somewhere to live that is within his post-support means. Spousal support is highly variable by jurisdiction, but if you have children, you will get child support.

One step at a time, you'll get there!


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 737 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

No. I don't work.

Does anyone ever live together during this process?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

If I told WH I want him to move out while going through the LS/D process...

I'm a little confused by this. It's not like you're going to finish up LS/D and then he comes back home. Where is he going to live after the D is over? Wherever that is, he needs to figure it out and start putting it into motion right now.

I know the finances are tricky and it sort of still is "your problem" at the moment, but it won't be once the D is over. Where he lives will be 100% his problem, and both you and he need to start looking at it that way sooner than later.

In my case XWH moved directly from my house to a new place with OW. It took him only eight days from confrontation to move-out, to find a place, secure a lease and rent a moving truck. Believe me, it can be done.

If he is friendless like my ex and can't even find a couch to crash on, then he may have to stay in a temporary place like a hotel etc. Hopefully if it comes to that, the two of you can at least set a limit on the time/expense that are reasonable.

As far as stuff, my XWH packed most of his own things. We sorted through and divided up things together. That was fun... him cold and me sobbing. I don't recommend it. It's hard to give advice on this because it really comes down to how much civility remains in the relationship, and how much stuff you have that is either joint or in dispute (ie- you both want to keep it).


((nekorb))

You are about to go through the toughest part, imo. But after he's gone, it will get easier. Hang in there.



Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 838 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
josie11
Member
Member # 31648
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Does anyone ever live together during this process?

I lived with my XWH for three weeks while he house-hunted. He spent his downtime at home texting, Skyping, and emailing his MOW.

It was agony. We had been unusually close for decades, even for husband and wife. Now I was faced with a dead-eyed stranger setting up dates in my house, in front of me. He even went for a three-day weekend with MOW and came home to our house. When he looked at me, I could tell he didn't care if I lived or died. We didn't speak to each other unless the kids were home.

The kids were on edge from the atmosphere in the house, even though they didn't know exactly what was going on. They knew something was wrong.

The pain was unbelievable. I wouldn't recommend it.


BS: me
XWH: Dead to me, after spending half our lives together
2 teenagers
"I get it now; I didn't get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible... and enjoying everything in between."-Mia Farrow

Posts: 395 | Registered: Mar 2011
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

He wants to leave the furniture here.

He says he wants to be able to tell the kids exactly what's happening.

Nekorb, He's got a plan. Or should I say he and OW have this covered?

Why don't you ask him? I suspect because it's because you don't want to accept that he's moving from your bed into OW's.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
peacelovetea
Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Nekorb, also remember that you can and should get a temporary plan (via the court) to separate finances during the S period leading up to D. So while the pot will be shared, of course, you will each have your own pool of money and he can do what he likes with his to make arrangements he an afford. So it wouldn't be coming out of a joint pot -- part of S is splitting the pot.

Get your attorney to help you draw up on offer on how to split assets, debts, and the monthly income. Talk to the attorney about whether it would be beneficial to get a job now or wait, it may affect spousal support. Get the numbers so you know what you are dealing with and can make your own decisions about what is best financially.

And DONT TELL HIM ANY OF THAT.Once you have a plan drawn up, you can have your attorney submit it to him or his attorney, and you can negotiate then. But wait until you have an offer on the table, and most importantly know what legally you are entitled to. Then he won't be able to talk you in loops.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Plus, if he isn't living here, when does he come and pack his stuff?

You hefty bag his ass. Hell, if I were you I would hefty bag his ass and then carry it next door to MIL's house. Nothing says "Get the fuck out" like all his crap in a hefty bag.

Where he lives is NOT you concern. How he pays for it is NOT your concern. YOUR concern is getting temp orders for SS, CS, and exclusive use of the home. Focus on that.

If you do decide to allow him to stay in the house while working thru the process of D (and notice the wording I used -- if YOU decide to ALLOW him), then hefty bag his ass and put it in the spare room or the basement or the closet in the den where he will sleep on the couch. Then put a lock on your bedroom door because I guarantee he will violate your space and he will enter your room when you are not there and he will walk right in without knocking when you are there. It is his way of exerting control and he will claim it is his "right".


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17632 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I've asked him point black exactly where he intends to live. What he *says* is that he wants to buy something close by so that visitation is easy on the kids.

I've actually not intercepted any communication between them that would indicate they are going to live together. But who knows...

As to hefty bagging his stuff to MIL...I wouldn't do that to her. She's my biggest supporter in all this mess and has already told him if he leaves he isn't coming to her house. I have the best MIL in the world. I hope to be as good as her some day.

This is all really scary and surreal.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

As to hefty bagging his stuff to MIL...I wouldn't do that to her.

You are a good DIL


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17632 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I asked him where he expected the kids to spend time with him if he has no furniture, he doesnt want to rent, wants to buy a house, but says "I wont have room for the kids in the beginning". I asked him where exactly he was moving to if he doesn't want to rent and doesn't think he will have room for the kids to visit. He didn't answer.

Not. Your. Problem.

Focus on Nekorb!!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Also, FYI, there are an unlimited number of places where dads can spend time with their kids. It doesn't need to be in a home setting. Think of all the things good dads do with their kids outside the home. They go places, do things, live life. That shouldn't stop simply because you're S/D. And if it does? That's not your fault. If that does happen then it's an example of what a loser mook your WH is. It's his fault. It's not your fault from lack of planning.

Furthermore, your children are adults/near adults. Dad not having a place of his own isn't going to irreparably damage them. They will not be scarred for life if they have to have dinner with Dad at a restaurant.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9687 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I had to live with XW ( not current WW) for a year and a half while custody was decided. During that time she filed falseDV, had her dates come over to the house to pick her up and took the children to her mother's house as often as she could weather I was home or not.

it was hugely confusing for the kids. I always acted civil towards XWW, when she reciprocated the children's question was why couldn't we stay married if we got along. when she brought her dates over, the question was are you guys still married?

even though your children are older, I highly recommend against this.

I will reiterate what others have said. its not your concern.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2847 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

But how you do you make someone leave a home they own half of?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

That is why you need a lawyer. They can determine if getting you exclusive use of the marital home is feasible.

It is not your concern where he goes. He will figure something out.

My ex pretty much moved directly in with the OW. Their relationship was full of drama right from the start, and she was constantly calling the police on him or kicking him out. When he was not staying with her, he either slept in his car, went to his parents in a neighboring state, or slept on a couch in a basement where this druggie guy that they worked with lives (although I think he stopped staying there one he found the bed bugs in the couch he was sleeping on ).


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2231 | Registered: Feb 2010
woundedwidow
Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Woah - wait a second. On Feb. 5th you said the house was already in YOUR name and that your STBX had no ownership in it even though he was insisting on still paying toward the mortgage. His being on the mortgage only gives him part of the debt; your being on the deed by yourself gives you the sole ownership. So basically, it's your house, and he can just go find himself a nice hidey-hole wherever he can. Given the shenanigans he's pulled that you indicated in your newest post, the heck with where he goes.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 379 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Yeah, the deed is in my name. L says it's still marital property because WH is the only one that had income and has been paying for it.

I'm going to ask about my options on Monday.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
littlefoggy
Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

There is a difference between marital property and marital interest. It sounds like he just has interest in the house


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2013
movingforward777
Member
Member # 6850
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

As to hefty bagging his stuff to MIL...I wouldn't do that to her. She's my biggest supporter in all this mess and has already told him if he leaves he isn't coming to her house. I have the best MIL in the world. I hope to be as good as her some day.

Just bear in mind that blood is thicker than water....my in laws were wonderful to me after exh screwed off, but it wasn't long before they bought his tale of woe.....
Just prepare yourself that it may not always be "wonderfu" with your MIL....I hope that she does continue to support you...but be bear in mind it may not alwyas be so....
You need to make sure that you do secure some monies of your own in an account he can't access...take it from one who learned the hard way...he can and will screw you over where money if concerned if given the chance...be smart and protect yourself and your money NOW!!!


You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.......Louise Smith

Posts: 4841 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Ontario
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Mine lives across the hall! He is in the master bedroom and I'm in my son's room that's off at college bedroom and when son comes home he grabs the couch or guest room. I keep asking when is he moving out- of course he can't because he doesn't have any money and if he moved out it would show that he does have money that he has been hiding-which he has!!! I'm so ready to get him out! Granted he is never here. Not home until 10, gone every weekend, that helps but still he is in my "soon to be just mine" house and I'm inconvenienced!


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
movingforward777
Member
Member # 6850
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

When my exh decided to run off to be with OW I packed all his shit into boxes and when he called me to ask if he could come by to pick something up I told him "sure"...when he got there imagine his surprise when all of it was packed in boxes and bags waiting for him. I don't know if he thought he could just "pop in when he felt like it for something" but I made it very clear that was NOT going to happen!
Perhaps you should talk to a lawyer myown.....start some proceedings and get it down on paper that he has to leave....


You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.......Louise Smith

Posts: 4841 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Ontario
Topic Posts: 29