My H and I are 6+years into R now and for some reason I felt the need to share here the struggles on both sides about a month or so after DDay. Please note that my FWH confessed to multiple EAs PAs, we decided to R pretty early, and decided not to live separately. A transcript of my online chat with FWH since I worked then far from home...
Mr Simple: not feeling good from the chat
Mr Simple: i didnt like where i felt it was leading
Simple: I thought you didn't
Simple: I didn't either but I need to ask.
Mr Simple: i'd even had a hard time after the melt down. reposting on_______. But never contacting anyone with any intent. The past 2 to 3 weeks i've left everything behind with focus to do better. Now that focus is shattered and i'm wondering why i'm still here after what happened last night
Mr Simple: i feel detached
Mr Simple: i'm trying to keep busy learning new thing or positive things but its hard to fight the urge to do the "reaction"
Mr Simple: i wanted to tell _____ that the marriage is over and i wanna go fuck her. Even though i'm not even attracted to her nor have i wanted to ever do anything with her. But because of last night my instinct is to do that.
Simple: cause she would take you is what you're saying?
Mr Simple: i dont know nor do i really care. i doubt she would to be honest. i just wanted to look for it since you were accusing me of it
Simple: I see
Mr Simple: which i've fought so hard to get over. yet now i feel my focus is all messed up again
Simple: I'm sorry you feel that way. It concerns me how easily that can be broken with one misstep from me.
Mr Simple: i feel as though i've been trying my hardest to truly be focused and that all my efforts are for nothing
Simple: distorted perception. became reality
Mr Simple: i wanted to just just disappear for good. call you on the phone and tell you i give up. then toss my phone so you can't contact me again. but i fought through that and i'm back home and a little more relaxed. not as anxious
Simple: I hope you never do that. I don't want to lose you. hence why it hurts so much every time I think about what happened with everything.
Simple: I can take the next two days off. we can spend time together all day and talk. to re-focus us.
Mr Simple: up to you
Simple: no. this is up to you. I have control, if you feel you have lost control then you're the one who needs it more than me.
Simple: if because of what happened made you go re-sign on a dating website, then something is wrong and the control you have may not be as strong as you first thought.
Mr Simple: i only dont have control when i feel Iím being probed non stop
Simple: probing questions happen after an affair. that's normal. it's a matter of us coping with how we handle questions.
Mr Simple: i understand its normal. But itís the behind the back sneaking that fucked me up. now the questions are tainted to me. i donít feel i can speak without being hurt or judged. which makes me not want to say things
Simple: i understand. Here's my dilemma.
Simple: I feel that you've been sneaking behind my back dating girls, etc. it is fucking me up every day whenever you answer my questions or say some things as to whether you're being true or if you're still lying. It's very hard for me and there are times when I don't even show you the struggle I have about this.
Simple: most of the time, I manage to control myself and stop the thoughts. there are times like last nite when I just can't handle it. I feel I have to thread on egg shells even though I'm the one who was hurt. At least that's my feelings. I know you support me and love me. But the fears cloud my judgement.
Mr Simple: tread, no h.
Simple: you're correcting my English!
Mr Simple: we were both hurt
Mr Simple: you've just done to me what i did to you. Violated trust.
Simple: it sucks eh?
Simple: it's a crappy feeling
Mr Simple: i realized that which is why i've been trying so hard to keep on the straight path
Mr Simple: but it makes me wonder why i even try to keep pushing for it
Mr Simple: i dont see the point right now
Mr Simple: i need to deal with my anxiety first
Simple: you don't see the point because you've given up or because you feel you can do this again?
Mr Simple: being here isn't going to pull me out of the corner
Mr Simple: i have to do that myself
Mr Simple: once i pull myself out of the corner then i think it will be helpful
Looking back at this was very insightful to me. It really made me realize there's very little we can do on the BS side to "help" WS and that FWS, even remorseful ones, are struggling just as hard as we are and they can become better decision-makers once they become self-aware and honest with themselves. I also realized, it's ok to be vulnerable without loosing your self-respect in an R with a remorseful FWS.
Don't know why I felt I need to share this. Just hoping it helps someone who's in R.Love is a choice.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.