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Just Found Out
User Topic: Almost 3 months
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

So it has been almost 3 months since the day my life changed. I am in IC and on anti depressants, but I think I'm getting worse. Has this happened to anyone? I just hate my husband. We are in NC, which he does not agree with, but its the only way I can cope with the horror show that has become my life. I still cry all the time, this can't be normal. I just wish my husband knew what he was throwing away before he cheated on me. The thing that kills me, is why didnt he realize how much he had to lose? My heart aches for my children, as a product of an unfaithful father, it kills me that history is repeating itself. Any advice when this gets better? I feel like I have cracked.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
phoenix2015
Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

(((Andrea)))
You are normal!! I am just past 5 months and still cry most days. The soul wrenching pain did ease up for me between the 3rd and 4th month. Processing all that has changed and what he did still consumes my thoughts....even with 4kids and a full time job. Still having a hard time comprehending that he did this to us and we can never undo it.
I have faith in what others here have said and that is TIME will help. Have to also have hope that we can be even better or else what is all this pain for?


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
Jls0320
Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Completely normal, I wish I could tell you when you will feel better but it just takes time. I'm glad you are least in IC and taking meds to help get you through this


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, too much too list, drowning in his sex addiction
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap
Separated, divorce filed, he loves his whore lol

Posts: 455 | Registered: Nov 2013
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks for all the kind words :) I just am humiliated by all of this, when I know this really isn't my humiliation. I am so ashamed of my husband. I know time is the answer, but I just want to get there already. I'm sick of crying everyday. I feel as if I'm no closer to figuring out if we should D or R. He is so remorseful, but to be honest, that isn't even helping.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

((((hugs and strength))))

I'm so sorry Andrea. I wish your pain could be airlifted away. But while you can't remove the hurt you can fight the shame. When you feel humiliated, stop yourself and think: This is not my fault. This is all about him. I am a valuable, living, caring, good person who did not deserve this and am not responsible for it. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I did not do anything wrong.'

You can set yourself free from the shame even if you are still in pain. Give yourself that gift. You are worth it.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks norabird :) I just hope my husband is feeling the humiliation...I am not proud of this, but I want him to suffer.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Exclaimation  Posted: 9:41 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I stayed with my husband 13 years after D-day---I tried to forgive and forget but I was MISERABLE for those 13 years----always in pain ,mental anguish, triggers all around me, never ,never was I able to trust him again,never was happy again----he killed me that D-day--I was just a zombie----and I could not stand him touching me---not even kissing----yes I was stupid but I thought I loved him when I took him back---it turned into I HATE THIS MAN____I CANNOT STAND HIM _____I HATE HIS GUTS____i divorced him 13 years later-----6 months before the divorce was final ----he hooked up with the other woman again---she also filed for divorce from the loving husband that took her back after D-day---they are married now----yes my ex husband married the woman who terrorized me for 13 years---he said he always loved her,never stopped loving her---she is the only woman for him----and I ,well I wasted 13 years trying to reconcile with the man who cheated on me and lied again to me for 13 years telling me how sorry he was and how he wanted to make me happy ,when in reality he was still in love with the ow he swore to me he did not feel anything for----MEN SUCK BIG TIME

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
CantLoseHope
Member
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

AndreaL
You are not alone..... my 3 months after dday I was still partly in denial (talk about losing it).

I am now almost a year after dday and I still RANDOMLY burst into tears, in the weirdest places at the weirdest times, funny thing is when I do burst into tears now I am usually not consciously thinking about it.

I am sure you have had them too..... but unfortunately the nightmares continue for me... they are the types that seem so real its crazy.....

May I ask why you have not considered R yourself? If you know the reason that is, I know, me, myself, I don't have a reason for a lot of things still so thats why I said that....

I also want you to know even though things like this happen so often nowadays it does not mean the life altering impacts should not be downplayed.... You are going through something VERY difficult. And you are doing all the right things right now..... trying to help yourself first. It takes time unfortunately.

Feel free to PM me.


"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"


Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
Livingalie2014
Member
Member # 42332
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry Andrea. I'm in the same boat as you and found out around 3 months ago. The pain doesn't go away, but I've found that I can smile and laugh again.

I was absolutely humiliated when I found out. I had no idea how my WS could do this to me. A good friend finally said why are you humiliated, you didn't do anything, you didn't ask for this. It absolutely made things easier and allowed me to even think about possibly divorcing my spouse. I still have no idea what to do. I love him, but how could he do this. Maybe it's best to get out while you're still young.

Best wishes to you.


In three words I can sum up everything I learned about life: It goes on - Robert Frost

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Lost
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

We are in NC, which he does not agree with, but its the only way I can cope with the horror show that has become my life. I still cry all the time, this can't be normal. I just wish my husband knew what he was throwing away before he cheated on me. The thing that kills me, is why didnt he realize how much he had to lose?
I just hope my husband is feeling the humiliation...I am not proud of this, but I want him to suffer.
If you have had total NC with your husband do you think that knowing how your husband does feel about it all now could be a help you in any way? If so, could you offer him one chance to write you out a detailed letter explaining everything that he now understands and feels about the situation he chose to create? Why he thinks he did it in the first place, especially knowing your past, how he feels about it now, what he has learned from it, what changes he has made, what he would do differently now with this new knowledge going forward, and a heartfelt apology to you and your kids now that he has total understanding for the extent of the pain and damage he has caused?

Do you think knowing how the him of today views it all could help with the cognotive dissonance between your love for the him of the past and hatred of the him of the present?

If you decided to try it you could even give the letter to your counselor to read first for her opinion on if it would help or hinder you to read it? Would it help you in any way to know that he is suffering for what he's done, that he does belatedly understand it, and more importantly take full responsibility for it?

I know right now this may seem really hard to believe but sometimes our betrayer can help us in our own healing if they are truly remorseful. You may still not want him back - and you don't have to offer him the chance of R either. Nothing will ever change the fact that it happened and that he chose to do it - but when you say

The thing that kills me, is why didnt he realize how much he had to lose?
could hearing that he does understand it all now and an explanation of why he thinks he didn't understand it all before help you any?

Of course, if you did offer him this one chance to be 'heard' to lay it all out (with the emphasis on in depth), and he wasted the opportunity for deep reflection by writing a shallow response then it may also help you again to see even more clearly the right path for you going forward.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1882 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Thanks for all the support. I'm just all over the map, my emotions are like a ping pong.


The reason I have not contemplated R is the emotional aspect of the affair. He MADE love to this woman, he loved her! My heart is broken, if I even have one anymore. Everyday I wake up picturing him with her, and it literally kills me. I feel like a fool, failure. I know this has nothing to do with me but its how I feel. But I'm starting to think he didnt really love her, but it was luvvvveeee.

The most brutal thing, is my husband is remorseful, he wants me back. I just don't think I can ever forgive or trust. How can I be secure in this relationship? He does realize what he did, but it may be to late. Yes, he can acknowledge how horrible his actions were and be remorseful, but that doesnt change the fact he had an affair.

[This message edited by AndreaL at 4:24 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 226 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 11