SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: WS cause BS pain but.....
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

....they can not destroy them.

Reading a very good book right now....Healing is a Choice.

Almost done with it.

Early into my journey I remember our MC, who was also our IC, said to my wife

"See, blakesteele is NOT destroyed by your actions. He is hurt and is in pain, but he can handle this.".

I remember sitting there thinking "No shit!!!" but I let it ride. Mind you I was very angry then.

I thought it a ridiculous statement....as if I was a 9 year old boy. While it is true I have a scared boy inside me....I am way more than that.


Anyway....that was probably 12-16 months ago.

It just clicked what was going on.

My wife falsely assumed that she was the "strong one" at that time. She was so fiercly independent in spirit, so confident in her own abilities and so lacking in confidence with my abilities that she thought the truth of her destructive actions would destroy me.


It hurt like hell...her actions. In more pain than I thought a person could experience. But destroyed? Only thing I that was getting destroyed was our family and M....not blakesteele. I had anxiety over trying to save my M and family...but not about my wifes adultery destroying me.


Now, 19 months out, I see what our original MC was going with that.

It was an effort to dispell some myths, clear some fog within my wifes mind. To show her in black and white terms that her false assumptions of a situation were just that, false.

After $4-6k and 2 weekend retreats I see the pattern this MC was trying to break.


A pattern where my wife denyed her own feelings, falsely assuming what my feelings and capabilities were, and then making those feelings facts by choosing actions based on them.

Feelings are not right or wrong...they just are.

However, when one uses feelings AS facts...and choose accordingly.....the results can, and often are, dreadfully destructive.

I'll stop there....but assure you I have personal examples of my own dreadful decisions based on this same destructive way of coping with life.

My wife and I are aware of how false assumptions can lead to dreadful actions.

This is why we are adopting a radical honesty way of interacting.

My wife and I are aware that feelings need to be felt and expressed before acted on. Need to figure out what the motivation for those feelings are and then make the choice to act (or not to act) on them based on our findings. This is why we are adopting an "intentional marriage" way of doing marriage.


Funny how months and months later....something that seemed so strange can make perfect sense....isn't it?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:17 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

A pattern where my wife denyed her own feelings, falsely assuming what my feelings and capabilities were, and then making those feelings facts by choosing actions based on them.
Yep. I have told my wife that she is "emotionally arrogant". She thinks she knows what everyone is feeling (except herself), and what is best for everyone's feelings.
Feelings are not right or wrong...they just are.
I tend to disagree. Some feelings are wrong, and should never be validated, IMHO.

However, when one uses feelings AS facts...and choose accordingly.....the results can, and often are, dreadfully destructive.
Yup.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2075 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

However, when one uses feelings AS facts...and choose accordingly.....the results can, and often are, dreadfully destructive.

This right here just spoke to me....Its funny. There is a tweeny-bop movied called ATL. In it an uncle is raising his brother's teenagers. One of the boys is going through something and Unc says "what you feel aint always real".

Thank you for the perspective.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I tend to disagree. Some feelings are wrong, and should never be validated, IMHO.

Hear me out.....just because you validate the feeling doesnt mean you automatically assign a "right" value to them. Validate does not equate to having to act on them. Validating means you recognize something is going on that warrants investigation. Investigation does not mean direct-action to the first thing that pops into your mind.

Feelings are like the idiot lights on your dashboard....they tell you something is amiss in the engine, but not specific enough to tell you what exactly. When that light goes on (a feeling is felt) a wise person pulls over and pops the hood....starts to investigate what the heck just triggered that light. Using this scenario, it would be a fool who pulled his engine and replaced it with another engine at the first light on his dash....total waste of money and machinery!

Feelings are indicators...not dictators.

If you ignore feelings, they WILL influence you.

Feelings get buried alive....need daily feeding. The only way to process through and starve out feelings BEFORE they lead to destructive actions is to recognize them.

Feelings are like sin....if you keep them hidden, they will persist and negatively impact you. Even GOOD feelings can impact you negatively if you hide them. Doing this limits the enjoyment of life.....we are meant to enjoy life, not just endure it.

I hope to someday be able to freely and without much work do the following 2, seemingly simple tasks;

1. Feel my feelings.

2. Express my feelings.

Feel them without being scared of them. Express them without justifying them.

I believe this is what was sorely missing in most of my life....most likely got derailed at age 12 when my FOO issues were firmly established....and continued to be masked as I aged but did not mature emotionally in areas I needed to.

To mature emotionally I am having to feel feelings that are not very pleasant....feelings I have, for a lifetime, ignored and denyed having....feelings that I masked with things, such as porn and co-dependent behaviors.

If I continue to ignore them, I will have to continue to feed them for the rest of my life. The pain of doing that is greater than the pain of exposing and feeling them.....so I am doing something different.

I believe this is one of the keys to effectively and maturely bond with others.....a key to getting to that mature intimacy I have only read about.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:53 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

If I continue to ignore them, I will have to continue to feed them for the rest of my life. The pain of doing that is greater than the pain of exposing and feeling them.....so I am doing something different.

I believe this is one of the keys to effectively and maturely bond with others.....a key to getting to that mature intimacy I have only read about.

Yes!!


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 862 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

ITA with what you are saying. Had similar experiences in MC. Especially at the beginning while my SAWH was, as I like to say, "living on another planet."

He would say "I can't live like this, it's a prison!" or "If you're going to constantly be reminding me of this, we aren't going to be able to work this out." I would tell him, "Are you saying you want a divorce? Because if that is what you are saying, let's GO! I already have paperwork at my lawyer's office." It would have been painful, but I don't see how it could have been any worse than it had already gotten by that point. And actually, I think it would have been a relief in many respects. In the end, I think I drove the point home to my husband that I am not taking any more sh*t from him or anyone.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 892 | Registered: Jun 2013
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

What I am learning...kinda surprising....is just by the simple fact of feeling feelings....just "being still" with them....some loose their total power over me WITHOUT further work!

No further action necessary.


What I am also discovering is that when I successfully express my feelings to my wife without justification for them or demands on her to satisfy them......she often times can validate them and offer her own ideas on how to either comfort me or share in the enthusiasm of the moment.

I think many times we focus on surpressing painful feelings ONLY.

I submit that if you become proficient at surpressing painful feelings, you can't help yourself but to temper the joyful feelings too.

Kind of like a wall....it keeps enemys at bay...but also keeps friends out too.


Look.....I am just learning some of this stuff.....lots of reading, plenty of prayer and $$$ spent on therapy.

I use posts like this to gel up ideas that are I think are ready to be gelled up in my head.

Often time this works...sometimes it doesn't.

I believe this one is gelling up to become wisdom for me to own the rest of my life.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Another point worthy of stating here....


I passionately stated THOUGHTS most all of my life. I mistook, as did my wife, this passion as expression of feelings....it was not.

So just because one spouse is very vocal and the other very quiet....don't make the false assumption that the vocal one is the "expressive, feeling" one....it simply was not true in our case. Wife and I were both very good at denying and expressing our feelings.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 8