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User Topic: Question - need reassurance
pastthelies
Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Hello everyone. I already believe I know my answer to this; just need some reassurance. I have been NC with my AP for pretty close to a year. Things have been much better at home and life is turning around. I don't think about AP constantly, only occasionally; after five years it is hard not to. I am hoping I get to indifference and as each week goes by I am moving on and enjoying life and my husband and kids.

Okay - so here is my weakness. Every once in a while I do check AP Facebook page (I know I shouldn't but some days I am just drawn to look). I know he posts strategically - things for me to see - I am not stupid and for a while I did the same. Most of my stuff is now private (besides work related that could help if looking for a job).

We started out as friends first and then EA, the PA which all turned into a lTA for five years.

Here is my question and I know the answer is NC at all. Who cares about his life and what is happening and that NC is the right thing and should be maintained. I do not want to start on that roller coaster again. I don't want to start communication again but his dad had a stroke and is not doing well at all. He is older and may not make it. I feel bad ignoring and not saying I am sorry or hope he gets well. I know I shouldn't and I won't I just need someone to tell me I am right by not acknowledging. I know this is the right thing but am feeling a need for reassurance.


Posts: 65 | Registered: May 2013
nevergiveup10
Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Don't do it, it will open a window for both of you to communicate and really break your NC.

NC is everything, facebook, even googling their name is breaking NC in MHO. You'll never completely let go until it's real NC.

Sounds like things are getting better, don't throw away all the hard work you and your BH have put into this.

How would he feel if he found out?


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Gently, why is offering your condolences to the OM about his father's ill health more important than your BS feelings?

Do NOT contact him. Stop checking his Facebook. In fact, block him on Facebook so that you can't look at his page.

Is the OM an important part of your life now? If not, then why are you giving him head space?

You said you don't want communication with him so listen to yourself. If you contact him you'll find yourself drawn into a conversation you can't get out of.

Please think about your BS.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
JellyGirl84
Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

BS here, no STOP sign....


It seems you already know the answer for what you should do but maybe you're hoping someone will tell you it's alright to break NC. It is not ok to break NC.

Look at it this way, my grandfather is currently in the hospital and will shortly be undergoing his 2nd major open-heart surgery. Upon reading this, I'm sure you want to include in your reply to me how you hope he gets well soon and will be ok. However, up until this moment you didn't know me or my situation.

What you do not know about, you can not worry about. Block your AP from Facebook and burn all ties. After 5 years, any memories of AP should be vague, I'd think. It seems yours are, as described, occasional because you check FB. Stop. Don't ruin a good thing.


Say a prayer, maybe, for AP and leave it alone. It's not your place.


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
pastthelies
Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks all I am right and you are right! I will not break NC. Not worth it to anyone! I will send a silent prayer!

Posts: 65 | Registered: May 2013
WalkinOnEggshelz
Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Every once in a while I do check AP Facebook page (I know I shouldn't but some days I am just drawn to look). I know he posts strategically - things for me to see - I am not stupid and for a while I did the same.

And how does your BH feel about this? Or does he think you have

been NC with my AP for pretty close to a year.

I don't consider looking up the AP on Facebook and "strategically" posting for each other is NC at all. Which would explain why you have a difficult time reaching indifference.

Gently, why is offering your condolences to the OM about his father's ill health more important than your BS feelings?

I wonder the same thing.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 729 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Pastthelies,

You should block him on FB. You will never achieve indifference until you are able to have mental NC. Have you spoken to your BH about your sneak peaks. Finding out WH was taking sneak peaks at his PA was hard to stomach. Him telling me he was struggling with mental NC was easier than discovering his PA searches in our web search history.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

If I found out my WH was strategically posting on Facebook and still looking up AP it would be a deal breaker for me. NC means no contact.

Is your BH aware you are still looking up AP on Facebook? Seems to me that you are not fully being honest with him or yourself.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Thanks all I am right and you are right! I will not break NC. Not worth it to anyone! I will send a silent prayer!

You've already broken nc by checking his Facebook. Does your husband know?

Eta- sorry, I see your husband doesn't know about the affair at all. Nevermind.

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 6:13 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
pastthelies
Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I know i need to not look at facebook. I am doing a ton better with that than I was even a few months ago. Every week is better. I know this is a tough one: this week has been nc (besides occasional facebook lurking) for a year! After five of constant contact. Just a bad date.

I feel bad for him as I would for anyone, jellygirl has a sick grandfather- Sorry and prayers to you and your family! Thats a normal reaction! Best oart of that is i dont know what i dont know. If i didnt lurk I wouldnt have had a clue! Good answer and advice! Next step for me to move forward- blocking!

You are all right asking how would my bh feel? He doesnt know and that is what I have chosen for now. I know most wont agree and thats okay- you dont have to.

We are both working on the bad here and things have been really good. I am hoping it continues and grows.

If i have learned anything here it is everything takes time and you need to go at your own pace! People heal, grow, and get better with time and effort! I lost my focus when I saw that and thanks for helping me to regain it and see what is important! My husband, family, and kids are! My AP and what he feels or is going through is not.

Please ignore my punctuation and all. I am typing on my phone. Thanks for all your insight.

[This message edited by pastthelies at 8:18 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 65 | Registered: May 2013
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

He is older and may not make it. I feel bad ignoring and not saying I am sorry or hope he gets well

Why? Not your dad, not your problem. Worry about your own family.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2012
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Pastthelies,

Telling or not telling your BH is a topic for another thread. Although allowing your BH to fix the bad in your M without addressing your A, could have serious repercussions in the future.

But back to your topic, why not block him? Its an added step to unblock him when you feel the urge to sneak a peek. Since your BH does not know and you are not accountable to him, there is no real consequences - except keeping the flame of your A alive and hurting your chances to heal Just because you are NC, until you are mental NC and can achieve indifference you will always have one foot out the door with your M.

You do realize, the more sneak peeks you take - the more likely it could be for your BH to discover you. Most of us BS knew something was off in our M, just either couldn't put our finger on it, couldn't find the evidence or chose to ignore the waving red flags.

Its your choice, but as long as you are more worried about offending your AP by not acknowledging his pain - your BH and your M will always be second.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I am curious how one posts secret messages on Facebook for someone else to see who has been out of contact for a year. Maybe you are imagining that. Like a secret code? Sounds like the Fog talking

You are all right asking how would my bh feel? He doesnt know and that is what I have chosen for now. I know most wont agree and thats okay- you dont have to.

You are right. I don't agree.
You continue to betray him and then justify and minimize. You are not committed to R.
I truly hope you can turn around.

By the way. I did the same thing. Wasted over a year of "reconciliation" because I wasn't focused on my M.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Block him, and no contact.

Talk to your H about lurking on his FB page -- when my H accidentially clicked on his AP's LinkedIn link, he emailed the OBS just to make sure he knew it was a mistake. Why? It could be considered a subtle form of NC.

And when AP checked out my H's LinkedIn page, I certainly considered it breaking NC, and emailed her OBS. You are playing with fire, and there was eventually going to be a reason to contact if you keep checking. No contact means no mental contact as well.

Hang in there and keep fighting for your marriage.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:15 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
JellyGirl84
Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Pastthelies,

Thanks and I wish you well. Seriously, Facebook is not good for much accept drama...and I felt this way before I found out about my H's affair and Facebook really wasn't even the main source for his connection to the AP. I just have always felt that Facebook became a place for people to air their dirty laundry and it make it a lot easier to have secret conversations with those one should not and to check up on them as you are doing.

I can say that when my STBXWH blocked me from his profile (another story for another day) and I blocked his AP so I couldn't check her page (which I kept doing, hoping for what.....I don't know) it was the best thing to happen.

How many of your FB friends would ever really know what's going on in your life if you didn't post it on FB? Who calls anymore to check up? It's very rare.


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

You have already broken no contact. Checking his FB is contact. Thinking about his emotional needs is contact.

Wishing you luck in truly letting go and investing in your marriage.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1498 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Hosea
Member
Member # 42422
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

I do not say this in judgment, but I feel deeply sad for your uninformed betrayed husband. You are burning a tiny candle for your former AP while you keep your spouse in total darkness.

I hope you will soon have the courage to live up to your username and get past the lies, pastthelies.


John 8:10-11: "Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Did they not condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”


Posts: 106 | Registered: Feb 2014
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Pastthelies, I've spent some time thinking about you this morning.

Firstly, I think it says a lot that you are examining your behaviour and stopping yourself before making actual contact with the OM. From the amount of broken NC posts on the other forums we know that many WS don't get to the point you are at. Well done for coming on here and reaching out for help and support. While I agree with the others that even checking up on him on Facebook is breaking NC you are self aware enough to realise this is an unhealthy behaviour and have come looking for help.

Because tone is hard to convey on a forum, I want to reassure you that I am saying this gently.

I think you need to take this as an opportunity to work on your boundaries. Really examine them and find out why they are not keeping you safe.

I asked earlier in the thread why offering condolences to the OM was more important than your BS feelings. I would also like to ask, why is offering the OM your condolences more important than keeping yourself safe? You know the damage renewed contact with him would do to you, it's been a year and you've come a long way in that time. Why undo all that? Why aren't you precious enough to keep safe? Why steer yourself down a bad path which only leads back to the pain you felt after Dday? Why aren't you protecting yourself?

If you are not in IC, then go. Learn how to construct stronger boundaries and implement them to protect yourself and your BS.

Good luck, sending you strength.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
smez
Member
Member # 41882
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I do not want to start on that roller coaster again.

Repeat this to yourself 12 times. I use to be able to see AP on Skype. I could see when he came online in the mornings, when he was relaxing at home in the evenings. It drove me crazy. I was technically respected my NC but in truth it was just a little piece that I could hold on to. I finally removed him as a contact. I immediately felt better.

I hope by posting here instead of contact him you already feel better. One day at a time.


Me: 36
BS: 37

Married 8 years.
1 Child
DDay: March 2012


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2014
LMYE
New Member
Member # 34561
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

This is a really different NC to enforce as there's really no one holding your feet to the fire so to speak.No real consequences that would make you really want to buckle down.

I read your back story.You think its best that your H doesn't know and that's your choice.No reconciliation as your H doesn't even know about the affair.All the work and connection you're building now in your marriage will be for naught when this comes to light,but I wish you luck.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: canada
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

LMYE - I read your back story.You think its best that your H doesn't know and that's your choice. No reconciliation as your H doesn't even know about the affair. All the work and connection you're building now in your marriage will be for naught when this comes to light,but I wish you luck.

I believe that Lmye is correct in her assertion that your failure to come clean to your H about your LTA is what is allowing you to escape the usual consequences of an affair. While you feel your decision protects you and him from the fall out, in truth, being protected from his anger also protects you from remorse.

You see, I think your failure to maintain NC is due to the fact that you regret the fact that the affair stopped and you regret that your AP turned out to be less than perfect and your happy ever after life never materialized but I also feel that you don't have remorse over the fact that you had the affair. You don't feel pain for your choices and for sure, you aren't feeling the pain and hurt of a BS. The truth of the matter is that if your H is completely unknowing of the A, then he's not really a BS. How can you really be a BS if you don't even know that betrayal has occurred.

Anyhow, I don't want to pound on you again about the righteousness of confessing and of how that choice is the only road to living a authentic life but I would like to take the time to point out something else that I noted as I read your profile.

Quote from Pastthelies Profile - Since then I have been working on my marriage – I have not confessed and at the moment I do not plan to. I know this goes against what most believe here but It is what I feel is best right now. Things have been going very well and I am enjoying time with my husband. We have started to reconnect and things have become a bit more intimate. It will take time and it will never be like with my AP. My husband has stepped up to the plate on many items which first caused us troubles and I have been focusing on seeing him in a new light and working on our communication. I have been working on myself and trying to be a better person.

Please look at your words when you say that "it(intimacy) will never be like with my AP". I think that statement is quite a Freudian slip. If your still holding onto the fantasy that your A was better than your marriage, you may never get out of the fog. You have to stop looking at your affair as a special gift from god and start seeing it as the consequence of your own broken self, trying to cope with life's issues in a very unhealthy manner by seeking something from outside to fix your inside issues.

And I write that with due consideration to a quote that you put forth in Dec, that said, “I have never had a d-day and my A has been over for 10 months- NC whole time! It is so hard. I miss the feelings and intensity/intimacy too!"

This indicates to me that even at the 10 month mark, you are still holding onto the fantasy of the affair. Thinking it was special and magical. This is breaking NC! NC isn't only about physical contact, its about emotional contact. This seems to indicate that your indulging in mental masturbation each time you think about the AP. yeeech! You are now over a year past NC (if you even want to call it that) and IMHO, you're no closer to creating indifference than you were before. Checking out FB, reminiscing about the good old days when you were cosmic lovers, wanting to justify reaching out ... You need to stop lying to yourself, your BS and everyone else, including the SI community about your thoughts, feelings and motives. You haven't moved past the lies at all if you are still living the lie.

Hosea - I do not say this in judgment, but I feel deeply sad for your uninformed betrayed husband. You are burning a tiny candle for your former AP while you keep your spouse in total darkness. I hope you will soon have the courage to live up to your username and get past the lies, pastthelies.

Please, if you really truly love your husband as you claim, then put your big girl panties on, sit him down, confess your affair and deal with the consequences like a adult.

HUFI

Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3279 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I have been NC with my AP for pretty close to a year.
You haven't been NC at all. You still think about him daily and check up on him via social media frequently. That's not NC by any stretch of the imagination.

And I don't think I have to tell you how grossly unfair it is that you have your husband working and fixing a marriage that YOU blew up. You have replaced your AP with your husband. (Physically anyway, cause your mind is still wrapped up with AP)

You're still very much in the A. You never left. You mentally masturbate to your AP, then go home and have your husband attend to the physical aspect.

Your husband not knowing that you cheated gets you off the hook and you don't have to fix yourself. You guys just work on the fluffy marriage stuff and it alllll goes away.

My heart breaks for him. He has no clue what he's married to.

Until you go total and complete NC, you're shooting yourself in the foot.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Awww man. . .Your H doesn't know at all?
How's that working for you? Still lurking around AP's facebook page. . . If you were accountable to someone, you'd have more fire in your belly to come all the way out of the fog. You are living in a hell of your own choosing, I think. So, while it feels bad to face the music, the damage has already been done. Coming clean is the only way to, well, come clean.

My prayers go out to you for strength.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Your BH doesn't know anything at all?! Well, now I feel like a prize idiot.

You owe it to him and to yourself to confess. No marriage can survive on a foundation of lies. Your only hope for true change and true betterment of yourself is to tell him everything.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
pastthelies
Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I have many people who tell me to confess and many who say not to confess. At this point I have made the choice not to do so. You can agree or disagree and that is okay either way. I am sure there are many marriages that have survived and thrived and many that have crumbled with or without confessing.

I may not have mental NC all the time (this was the first year - I don't care what anyone says after dday or it is over you as the WS just don't forget immediately if there were feelings, it takes time. Everything just doesn't shut down and turn off immediately on dday or the end day - it doesn't in a normal relationship either.)but that does takes time after continual and constant contact for five years. I am doing better every week with that. Like I said rough week - it is a year this week and I looked! Oops! I did not reach out and break NC to him personally - I did it to myself by looking.

Broken But Trying - My husband -even though he doesn't know he doesn't deserve me looking. You are also right. I don't need to put myself through any of it again to start over. I have come a long way although I still have a long way to go.

I knew what the answer was that - I should remain NC (personally)and not say anything but I was feeling bad,as I would for anyone who had a sick or dying family member. As Jellygirl pointed out you don't know what you don't know. By looking I found something out that I should not have known and it made me want to react. I didn't react. I posted here instead which is huge because six months ago I probably would have reacted. Now I need to get to the point of not knowing (by not looking) and not caring.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Some of you gave me a lot to think about. I agree with some and don't with others. That is what makes this place so great; everyone has an opinion and is willing to share it.

When I read opinions that I don't agree with at the time or make me a bit angry I have found that if I come back a few weeks or a month later and read them again my perspective has sometimes changed; some click. So while I may not agree with everything that everyone has to say all the time, there are things I learn from or see differently when I come back to revisit as time goes on.
Thanks again.

[This message edited by pastthelies at 10:41 AM, February 20th (Thursday)]


Posts: 65 | Registered: May 2013
jstbreathe
Member
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

“Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it.” -Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Key words here, "Drop it!"


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2013
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Pastthelies,

The truth has away of coming out. My WH earlier As came to light because he never fixed himself. Everytime he needed a quick fix, he either tried to resume contact or find a new drug source. He outer himself to his friends accidently and hid one friend with morals made him confess. It didnt take long for me to figure the rest out.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Topic Posts: 27